Thinking of leaving my husband


#1

Hi all,

Sigh... Well, I have no else to talk to about this other than my husband and he doesn't seem to listen, so oh well.

This is the issue. We've been married for about 2 1/2 years. We were doing very well the first year or so, but after my husband started his doctorate, everything has taken a turn for the worse. The main issue is that because he is a graduate student and doesn't earn enough for us to may mortgage, utilities, etc., I have to work. I work full-time, but work from home, which is great and I feel is a great blessing because we have a 8 month-old. That being said, I don't really want to work. I much rather take care of my little one, but we agreed that because of the fact that I work from home and can be with our baby, that I would keep my job as long as I can. That's fine.

The problem is that my husband doesn't do anything during the day other than go to class. He just sits in front of the computer all day. With his assignments, he waits until the last minute and stays up all night. Naturally, the next day he is too tired to help me out with anything around the house, so he sleeps in. He helps around the house sometimes, but 90% of the time I have to ask him and it takes forever for him to get around it. Working full-time while taking care of a baby and on top of that having to cook, do laundry, clean... you get the idea... I'm burned out and sleep-deprived, so I have become extremely resentful towards him. This has been going on for well over a year now. Even when I was pregnant, he wouldn't help me out: he was on the computer 24/7. I have sat down with him and explained why his behavior bothers me so much, but he doesn't seem to respond. He says "you're absolutely right, I need to change" but nothing happens. The bottom line is that I'm tired. I'm burned out. Our love life has basically disappeared. I don't even want to be around him anymore. Sometimes I just take the baby and leave for hours at a time, because I don't care for being around him if he is in the computer. He just asked me why I was so dry toward him and I just broke down and told him I hated him; that I didn't have an ounce of love toward him. He didn't say anything. After a while, he just said "It is also difficult to live with you and your personality, but that doesn't mean I hate you. I love being around you. The problem is that I don't respond well to complaints and that's all you do: complain." Of course, my concerns have turned into complaints over time, because I saw how he didn't respond to my requests for help or for just turning the computer off. The issue is that for months I have been telling him that I don't feel good in this marriage (I said it in a good way), that I wanted us to go to counseling, that we had to do something before it was too late. But he always replied saying that things were just fine (in his mind, there is nothing wrong). Of course there is nothing wrong: he is living the good life while I am being run to the ground. I am the one who changed her life completely after we had a child, because that is what you are supposed to do (children come first!). While he has the same behaviors as if a child or a marriage didn't exist.

We promised a Christ-filled marriage to each other, but it is far from that. I go to Daily Mass whenever I can and I ask him to come with me and he always comes up with excuses all the time. He doesn't want to pray with me or do anything "faith-related..." It used to be so different when we dated... which is WHY I married him.

I can't STAND being around him. It's awful. I don't know what to do. I never thought it would be like this. I just want a husband who can be a man and the head of the household. He is not that at all. :( I don't see him as an equal. I see him rather as a child that I have to nag and I hate that. I already have a plan to leave him. It's that bad. I guess I have come to accept that he doesn't love me; otherwise, he would have changed his behavior a long time ago... now I just tolerate him :( It is hard for me to continue a marriage in which my concerns are constantly being ignored. You can only fix a marriage in which two parties share some kind of concern and want to work things out. This is not our (or MY I should say) case.

I talked to a priest about this, because I get SO angry and filled with so much hatred, that I find myself going to confession every so often about this. The priest told me flat out, "your husband has to be ready to DIE FOR YOU and he doesn't seem like he wants to do that or is prepared to do that"... *That *hit me and put things in perspective...

Thanks for reading. :(


#2

First of all, :hug1: I am so sorry you are going through this. While I know how difficult pursuing a doctorate can be (my son-in-law completed his in a very difficult field two years ago, after 6 years of grad school) the burden of doing everything shouldn't fall on you. My SIL was very much involved in helping around the house, cooking, etc., as my daughter was in grad school and working, too. It sounds as if your husband is addicted to the computer to the exclusion of everything else.

I'd stop the "nagging" (which, in itself, will likely startle him) and seek out a good Catholic marriage counselor. Tell him that you have made an appointment, and that if he values the marriage he will come with you, but be prepared to go yourself, if he won't go. Don't make any rash decisions; you want to save the marriage for the sake of your child, but you can't do that alone.

God bless; you are in my prayers.


#3

Have you considered marriage counseling?

I don’t mean to dismiss your troubles or pain, but these are pretty standard marital issues… not something worth breaking up a marriage over. It’s something that triggers a need for counseling… how to improve communication, increase love and devotion, and fundamentally reestablish the marital bond…

But not something worth leaving him over. :o

I sympathize… I really do. I’ve worked full time (outside the home) throughout our ENTIRE marriage. I do not want to be working, but it’s necessary. I’m now pregnant with our 4th child. It’s HARD. There have definitely been times when we were in need of communicating better or not loving each other fully… these things require PRAYER to get through… at the very least.

You’ll be in my prayers…


#4

Thanks all for reading and replying.

But how do you handle counseling when your husband doesn't think it's needed? And secondly, where can I find "Catholic" marriage counselors? I wouldn't want to do it any other way.

Thanks again.


#5

It would be my bet things get much tougher down the road as they do in most marriage's. What if the guy has a stroke in 20 years...you going to bail then???


#6

catholictherapists.com/


#7

Your spouse having a stroke is totally different than your spouse not being considerate toward you or simply talking/paying attention to you.


#8

True; you have the chance to take positive action towards fixing things. The Catholic therapist link is a good start, or speaking with your priest for suggestions.

And, if your husband won’t go with you…start going by yourself.


#9

Mary, I have good news and bad news for you.

First, the bad news. Your husband isn't grown up yet (matured). Hopefully, that will come with time.

Second, the good news. You've only been married 2 1/2 years. It takes at least 10 years for most folks to "meld" together and feel really settled down in a marriage.

Don't give up. Let him get his doctorate so he can get a great job and you can be a stay-at-home mom. There's no better vocation for you than that! (Except in the world's eyes, and we all know who's behind that one!)

If I was a marriage counsellor (I'm a grandpa, so this isn't my first rodeo.), I would give this advice to all married couples (hopefully before they got married!): Always, always come as a servant to your spouse. Your goal is NOT to be served, but to serve. Give completely of yourself as Christ gave of Himself. He gave His life for us. A husband (especially!) should have this mindset!

So, this is the game plan I might recommend for you. He needs spiritual conversion. The problem is that we never know when God has plans for that for him. But we do know how we can help the process. :)

  1. Pray for your husband daily. Rosary is great. Mass is great. Holy Hour is great.

  2. Offer sacrifice and penance for your husband. Fasting, hard work, etc.

  3. Ask others to pray with you for his conversion.

Every soul has a price (in grace). Some souls are cheap (maybe just one Rosary!) and some souls are expensive (St. Monica prayed for St. Augustine for 30 years before he converted!). Our job is just to keep our praying noses to the grindstone, and wait patiently for God. (Easier said than done, but it helps to be humble in our approach.)

Also, remember. When you're doing all this, and carrying more than your fair share of the load, offer each thing up to Jesus. Do it, not as if you are doing it for your husband, but as if you are doing it for Jesus. That makes it a lot easier!

God bless!


#10

Wow. You have a lot on your plate! Just the time for you to go to Our Lord Jesus Christ and His Blessed Mother!!! When times got hard in my marriage, I remember “praying” to God, in a very upset manner, saying “God, I DO NOT want a divorce!” I didn’t know what to do. He heard my rather confrontational prayer. I’m not going to go into details but I stopped what I was doing that was damaging to our marriage, even though I didn’t want to. God changed the situation for the better. My husband & I had nearly 37 years of marriage with some really good times and some not so good. He passed away suddenly about 5 years ago. I sometimes still go through the “woulda, coulda, shoulda scenarios”. BUT I wouldn’t have wanted to miss the good times. So what I’m saying is got to Jesus Christ and say, “God I can’t go through this; I can’t fix this! You will have to do it for me!” He will. It may not seem like it but never give up. Pray, pray, pray! God bless you & your husband & child.


#11

To Scoobyshme: Your advice is wonderful. I wish that I had been given it 40+ years ago. I thank you for your comments. It can be applied to any human relationship!


#12

What does your husband DO on the computer all day? And how long is this degree supposed to take? What is the plan for afterward? Is he making progress toward the degree? Why not try communicating with him one more time, instead of just leaving him? Sit down with him and discuss the way things are, tell him what you have told us, that you are burned out and TIRED and that you need more help. If he really refuses after that, I would take the baby and go to your parents if you can. If he is not ready to be a real partner to you and a real daddy to his child, maybe separating for a time will help him realize what he is possibly going to lose if he doesn't get his act together.

Computers can be almost addictive, it's a really bad habit at least (and I know because I spend far too much time on mine!). I started getting into the internet because my husband would come home from work, eat, play with the kids for a little while, and then work in his home office until bed time. Since I wasn't interacting with him, I started futzing around with the internet and kind of developed this pseudo social life. He sometimes gets bugged about it, when I'm not available to him, but he still works at night, so...it's how I deal. But I doubt if that is your situation.

Tell your husband you need help. See what he does or doesn't do. I'm sorry that he is neglecting you and his child.


#13

[quote="Scoobyshme, post:9, topic:240800"]
Mary, I have good news and bad news for you.

First, the bad news. Your husband isn't grown up yet (matured). Hopefully, that will come with time.

Second, the good news. You've only been married 2 1/2 years. It takes at least 10 years for most folks to "meld" together and feel really settled down in a marriage.

Don't give up. Let him get his doctorate so he can get a great job and you can be a stay-at-home mom. There's no better vocation for you than that! (Except in the world's eyes, and we all know who's behind that one!)

If I was a marriage counsellor (I'm a grandpa, so this isn't my first rodeo.), I would give this advice to all married couples (hopefully before they got married!): Always, always come as a servant to your spouse. Your goal is NOT to be served, but to serve. Give completely of yourself as Christ gave of Himself. He gave His life for us. A husband (especially!) should have this mindset!

So, this is the game plan I might recommend for you. He needs spiritual conversion. The problem is that we never know when God has plans for that for him. But we do know how we can help the process. :)

  1. Pray for your husband daily. Rosary is great. Mass is great. Holy Hour is great.

  2. Offer sacrifice and penance for your husband. Fasting, hard work, etc.

  3. Ask others to pray with you for his conversion.

Every soul has a price (in grace). Some souls are cheap (maybe just one Rosary!) and some souls are expensive (St. Monica prayed for St. Augustine for 30 years before he converted!). Our job is just to keep our praying noses to the grindstone, and wait patiently for God. (Easier said than done, but it helps to be humble in our approach.)

Also, remember. When you're doing all this, and carrying more than your fair share of the load, offer each thing up to Jesus. Do it, not as if you are doing it for your husband, but as if you are doing it for Jesus. That makes it a lot easier!

God bless!

[/quote]

Nicely put, Scooby!


#14

maryourhope,

I feel terrible for your situation. I will pray for you and your husband. And based on your post, your husband does sound lazy and immature.

However, please do not give up on your marriage. People can mature over time, and marriages that seem impossible now truly can get better, even much better.

I would recommend that you go to a good Catholic counselor, preferably with your husband, but by yourself if need be. (Going to counseling by yourself can give you positive ways to interact with your husband in order to promote healing in your marriage, even if he doesn't go with you to the counseling.)

Someone already mentioned www.catholictherapists.com. You could also check out www.exceptionalmarriages.com, which offers counseling via telephone. Or if you can convince your husband to go with you, then the two of you could go to a Retrouvaille weekend (www.retrouvaille.org). Or at least get advice from a good, orthodox, sympathetic priest or nun or other spirtual director, if nothing else.

Also, can you get some help with child care or housework other than asking your husband? Perhaps your parents or another relative lives nearby, and could give you a break from time to time? Or perhaps a local church offers a "mothers day out" child care program, where you could drop off your little one for a couple of hours from time to time?

Please take heart, and know that your marriage can get better over time. Obviously I can't promise that it will get better, but it is not a hopeless situation.


#15

I also have a husband addicted to the computer. I'm a stay-at-home mom to 3 boys and all my husband does (as far as helping with the house) is take the trash out once a week. And I still have to do that one sometimes!

It is so frustrating when you have no more of yourself to give at the end of the day, between kids, chores, running errands, etc...I totally feel ya on that!!! But complaining and griping hasn't ever worked for me (not sayin that's what you do). It's all about how I word things. Instead of "can't you help me for 5 minutes!!" I say, "sweetie, would you mind taking a break for a few minutes just so I can _____.". You get the idea.

Many "feminist" (my younger sister being one of them) always tell me I'm too sweet and I should be raising "you know what" because of his lack of participation in this family. But I dont want a divorce, so I do what I have to.

I think it's important to remember little things (much like St. Therese, the Little Flower). Something as simple as when my husband grabs a gallon of milk on his way home from work and he buys me a candy bar. I always make a big deal about it. Not because it's that big of a deal, but because he thought of me and tried to do something nice. It's important to be thankful everyday for one teeny tiny thing about him (I.e. He had a tender moment with your baby, he put his socks in the hamper, etc...). I know these seem silly and trivial and you could be thinking "how in the world does this make a good/better marriage???" I'm telling you, once you start to focus in tiny good things instead of huge bad things, it will change you whole outlook.

I encourage you to continue to pray (St. Rita is AWESOME in situations like this!) and I will pray for you as well. I may even pray that his computer breaks (lol!).

Chin up, sweetheart! Hang in there, the last thing Satan wants is a happy holy family. Families are on the attack these days. Stay strong...things WILL work out :)
Praying for you!!!!!!


#16

Encourage your husband to get a job or at least get a part time job while he does his Doctorate? Women by nature normally feel safe and secure when the husband provides for them and the family. For centuries, men have always been the breadwinner of the family and although times have change, this sort of thing still remains the samebecause women are normally inclined to nurture and raise a family while men are normally inclined to provide food for the family.

Below are some bible verses which I copied from a website:

=============================================================
In regard to the division of responsibilities in the home, the Bible instructs husbands to provide for their families. This means he works and makes enough money to sufficiently provide all the necessities of life for his wife and children. To fail to do so has definite spiritual consequences. “If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever” (1 Timothy 5:8). **So, a man who makes no effort to provide** for his family cannot rightly call himself a Christian. This does not mean that the wife cannot assist in supporting the family—Proverbs 31 demonstrates that a godly wife may surely do so—but providing for the family is not primarily her responsibility; it is her husband’s. While a husband should help with the children and with household chores (thereby fulfilling his duty to love his wife), Proverbs 31 also makes it clear that the home is to be the woman’s primary area of influence and responsibility. Even if she must stay up late and rise up early, her family is well cared for. This is not an easy lifestyle for many women—especially in affluent Western nations. However, far too many women are stressed out and stretched to the breaking point. To prevent such stress, both husband and wife should prayerfully reorder their priorities and follow the Bible’s instructions on their roles.


#17

[quote="greenmoira, post:10, topic:240800"]
Wow. You have a lot on your plate! Just the time for you to go to Our Lord Jesus Christ and His Blessed Mother!!! When times got hard in my marriage, I remember "praying" to God, in a very upset manner, saying "God, I DO NOT want a divorce!" I didn't know what to do. He heard my rather confrontational prayer. I'm not going to go into details but I stopped what I was doing that was damaging to our marriage, even though I didn't want to. God changed the situation for the better. My husband & I had nearly 37 years of marriage with some really good times and some not so good. He passed away suddenly about 5 years ago. I sometimes still go through the "woulda, coulda, shoulda scenarios". BUT I wouldn't have wanted to miss the good times. So what I'm saying is got to Jesus Christ and say, "God I can't go through this; I can't fix this! You will have to do it for me!" He will. It may not seem like it but never give up. Pray, pray, pray! God bless you & your husband & child.

[/quote]

Can you give us a hint of what you gave up to save your marriage? It sounds like maybe a little resentment set in? I say to this young married woman is hang in there and offer it all up. This is a sure way to get into heaven. PRay Pray Pray... He will hear and anwer you.


#18

I kinda think OP’s problems are normal in marriage. It’s not a reason to leave. It’s a reason to learn to be assertive without blaming and fighting.

Sometimes we make short-term sacrifices for long-term gains. When my first DD was a baby, my husband was spending his free time fixing our house. I just looked after the house and the baby. I didn’t get upset with DH about it.

Then I had my colicy son and I found it very difficult to do everything with my 2 children. I got very tired. So I let the house slack. I stopped doing it all and for dinner, sometimes I’d buy a frozen pizza or dinner and heat it up.

The house was messy and I couldnt’ always cook b/c I couldnt’ do it all.

Just normal marriage stuff really.


#19

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