This Is Heavy. Only Those Of You Who Can Handle It Should Reply.

OK Friends. For fear of exposing myself, I have not let it all hang loose. Now, because I am so desperate, I will say. My hubby, the last job he had, in a string of lay-offs as I said, was fired from the school district he worked for, as a math teacher, because he wrote a student, a 15 YO, 4, obscene and suggestive letters. I am so ashamed to even mention it to you all, at what a scum I am married to. All our problems began since this, 5 yrs. ago. He did have a good job, with benefits, etc., but this began our downfall unto the H___ we now live in. We thought finally, hubby had some semblance of a job, after 17 years of marriage and his continuing irresponsibility and lay-offs in every job, that he finally had a good situation. Well, the bubble was surely blown by this. Friends, this is a biggie. A suggestive letter to a student, an addiction to porn, since marriage. No wonder I’m a complete nervous wreck. Please friends. My health has suffered, and I have forgiven him for this indescretion. As for most men caught in the web of porn., it leads to worse, as in my case. He had a lawsuit, and it was dismissed, as he never touched the girl. All the same, it has affected me. It makes me utterly sick. The D.A., the first time we appeared in court, said: “You guys have marriage problems”… OK, DUH.

Friends, the only reason I tell all of this to you, is because I am so desperately trying to keep my marriage together for the sake of my kids here. My hubby has such deep problems which is so obvious. I, a catholic, know divorce is not an option. Hubby has never been PHYSICALLY unfaithful. Just this, and his porn addiction for the past 16 years. No wonder I do not respect him, my love is waning for him as well.

Please friends. I need some practical advice here. Our marriage therapist has hardly brought up this issue. But is has not been over for me yet, all the hurt, etc.,

Sorry for this shocker. I need your wise input friends.

Luv,

Hello

Pray for your husband to see his errors and stop what he his doing, this will not come overnight, put your complete trust in Jesus and hopefully and gradually things will alter.

Wonder what made your husband do this, pray to St Micheal the archangel to protect you and your family.

Like I said this will not come overnight, I will say a pray for you after I have sent this email.

God Bless
Saint Andrew.

[quote=Saint Andrew]Hello

Pray for your husband to see his errors and stop what he his doing, this will not come overnight, put your complete trust in Jesus and hopefully and gradually things will alter.

Wonder what made your husband do this, pray to St Micheal the archangel to protect you and your family.

Like I said this will not come overnight, I will say a pray for you after I have sent this email.

God Bless
Saint Andrew.
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Saint Andrew: Bless your heart. Yes, I believe people give up too easily today, especially in the states, because “they are not happy”, etc., you often hear “I am not happy”, therefore I leave, “have a right to be happy”, etc…phooey, many times at the expense of others, like children. How many times I have seen this among my kids’ friends, and their parents. I feel there is much suffering we Catholic Christians have to endure in this life. Don’t know if my hubby was actually sexually unfaithful if I would be saying this, that might be a different case, dunno. But I’m certain he was not. It was merely a whim, an indescretion, a LACK (BIG LACK) OF JUDGEMENT. Period. One that yes, hurt me alot. I have had alot of pain dealing with it all. But I know God is a faithful God, if we seek His promises.

Thank you blessed Andrew. P.S. Do you live in England?

I went to university in Durham. God Bless You~

Ok. Wow. Sorry for your burdens, truly.

First of all, Catholic rules do not say you have to remain under the same roof with your husband while he is in his turmoil, especially when it endangers you and your children…and psychologically this would endanger them…physically, you already are endangered as you’ve stated.

So…you go to your priest and you seek the guidelines for a Catholic separation. I know you don’t want to work because your hands are full, so, again, I suggest your next step (or perhaps you can have your priest guide you to someplace) is to a social services agency in your community.

First and foremost, you have to get him to leave the house. If you and the kids leave you lose out financially in the long run…so the advice you get from social workers/lawyers should be telling you to stay put but get him away from you and the kids until he’s better.

Ideally, you’d have extended family members you could move in with or get support from during the transition. If they are not available then you have to rely on social service resources in your community. You may need to move into temporary shelters until you get logistics worked out for you to live as a single mother while your husband continues to work on his issues. But definitely see a therapist for yourself the entire time.

You cannot continue to enable your husband’s behavior to have no consequences that matter to him. He can’t begin to get better until he loses your support. Reassure him you are not seeking a divorce, now or ever, you are protecting him, yourself and your children, and that you will be waiting for him.

As I advised before, make sure there is a lawyer in the loop to protect your house from foreclosure and to protect your custody rights over your children.

This is a serious matter, you know this. What you’ve done for the past 5 years has not led to any improvement for anyone in your house…so it’s time to get drastic.

During the separation, make sure you and the children pray the rosary together every morning and every night for the recovery of their father. It’s so very, very important that your children get the message from you to continue to love him and wish him well in his healing process so that when he gets better the children do not bear any resentment towards him. He will need their love and yours to remain strong.

God be with you. May you find peace soon.

YYM

Sorry…I should have said ideally, your husband should have extended family he could move in with temporarily…

My instincts are to leave and take care of myself, but legally, that’s not the right move…stay put as long as you can.

It is a hard thing to overcome, but it can be done. The problem is he has to want to get better. Till then pray for him, St. Anthony, St. Jude, St. Joseph, St. Michael, and our blessed mother Mary ever virgin, all interceed for our dear sister in her troubles to our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, protect her and her family, and bring healing where there is pain.

The Lord bless and keep you always

You are in my prayers. What an awful problem to have to suffer! You’re a very strong woman and I commend you on trying to save your marriage and regain some respect for your husband after all he has done. Physical unfaithfulness isn’t the only kind and you have suffered greatly from his. God bless you.

My only suggestion is that you bring this subject up to your marriage counselor again. It obviously isn’t over for you and it needs to be discussed. If you aren’t comfortable bringing it up again in front of your husband, could you meet with the counselor on your own about it?

I pray this situation works out for you. God bless!

I’d suggest that the first thing you do is seek the counsel of a priest as well as that of a Catholic Family Therapist. You definitely need to see the therapist with your husband. I feel it’s a little premature to say that your husband needs to leave. I’d follow the advice of the therapist regarding that.
Also you need to pray with your husband. It’ll be hard at first but it will pay off handsomely in the end.
I tell you this from my own experience with my wife. While we didn’t have the same problem we did face an equally serious one. A good CATHOLIC family therapist helped us to work out our problems. And most importantly be willing to work this thing through. It’s going to take some time before you can start the healing process.

God bles you both.

I’m sorry to hear about all this. I will put you on my prayer list.

Pray for your husband. As other’s have said, your husband has to want to change. If he doesn’t want to change, nothing will happen. Also, if your marriage counselor will not address the issue then maybe it is time to find another counselor. A Catholic counselor would be ideal, but a Christian counselor is almost as good. If not one of those, then at least one who is willing to address the topic and attempt to help.

[quote=mari319]You are in my prayers. What an awful problem to have to suffer! You’re a very strong woman and I commend you on trying to save your marriage and regain some respect for your husband after all he has done. Physical unfaithfulness isn’t the only kind and you have suffered greatly from his. God bless you.

My only suggestion is that you bring this subject up to your marriage counselor again. It obviously isn’t over for you and it needs to be discussed. If you aren’t comfortable bringing it up again in front of your husband, could you meet with the counselor on your own about it?

I pray this situation works out for you. God bless!
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Thank you so much Mari319!!! Your prayers are so greatly appreciated! Yes, I will do as you say! I know alot needs to be addressed here. As I said our marriage counselor seems to me to be nothing more than a closet gay, with eyes for my handsome hubby, as they all have, despite his marriage status. What is the deal? Dunno for sure of course. maybe just my view… After all, I have a gorgeous, most handsome, tall, dark, handsome hubby, who could be a Ralph Lauren model in a second. Sigh. Yes, that’s probably what drew him to me, the fact that I was a model as well, (well in my much younger days of course). Similar. People have always paid him extraordinary attention, staring at him wherever we go. Sigh. :confused: Interesting. Sigh.:confused: We all get older, wiser, hopefully, realize looks do not last. Now I have a bad back, and plantar facititis in my feet and my looks have pretty much gone to pot, 3 kids, stress, etc., etc., But, hubby still turns his head at the teens, (so disgusting)…how I wish I had a less attractive husband, and some more inner qualities. You women reading this don’t know how lucky you are to have a normal husband, who is a good provider, maybe not the cat’s pajamas to look at, but all together so much more. Be glad! I always seem to have to try so hard to live up. I gain 5 pounds or look awful for one day, everyone says “mom you look so ugly”, “mom you;'re getting a belly”, “mom ycch, you’re not wearing any eye makeup”, etc. How I long to be just an ordinary woman who is not judged by my appearance.

[quote=sparkle] Our marriage therapist has hardly brought up this issue.
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I am so sorry for your trial. I don’t really have any advice, there are many more qualified people here who I’m sure will take a turn in here if we’re patient, but this really piqued my interest.

Your husband obviously has a severe addiction. Not only is he obviously emotionally afflicted, he’s spirtually afflicted as well. That someone in the mental health field is not addressing this is curious, leads me to believe this person may not be qualified or not really understanding of sexual addiction and its consequences?

catholictherapists.com/

When the situation is making you ill, and it seems it is, and is a terrible example to your children, and it iseems it is, living apart from your husband is certainly justified. Yes, “forgiveness is not an option”, however you do not have to live with this. His choice to act inappropriately WAS /IS NOT your fault. This is something he has to take responsibility for and accept the consequences. Even if your marriage was off-balance, that is not a reason for him to do what he did. DO NOT take responsibility for his actions, protect you and your children.

I am quite upset with those who say, “don’t leave him, it is your duty as his wife to suffer”, etc.etc. BALONEY!! Do you REALLY think God wants you to suffer a life time for your husbands actions? I think God wants you to forgive your husband, if your husband “Wants” to be forgiven. His actions will tell you if he is truly asking for forgiveness. Separate yourself and children from him to get yourselves good couseling, get well yourself. Your husband needs to use this time to get well, then go to marriage counseling and see if it can be resolved. If he won’t do the work he needs to do, then, the Catholic Church does allow divorce, just not re-marriage unless your previous marriage has been annulled.It is sometimes better to live alone than married and in “prison” with an addicted person. Yes, this is an addiction.

Those who tell you to stay and suffer have obviously never been in that situation or anything similar. I suffered for 32 years…living with an alcohol addicted husband. If I had to do it again, I would NOT!! It took me a few years to recover from living with him.

Good luck…I pray for you.

Love and peace

When you said “, as a math teacher, because he wrote a student, a 15 YO, 4, obscene and suggestive letters” - my jaw dropped. Please, get yourself and your kids away from this man. Porn addiction, I beleive that can be worked through. No job, work on it - one obscene letter to a child is reason to get out, but FOUR of them? Please, he needs serious help, and is in no position to be around kids right now. Pray for him, love him from a distance - but, protect your kids!

Praying for you all!

Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative. It’s a hard lesson I had to learn, and will most likely learn again in the future. Let there be peace on Earth, and let it begin with me. The latter part is always the hardest.

You want to know what you can do?

Stop this:

I am so ashamed to even mention it to you all, at what a scum I am married to.

Quit calling him a scum! He is God’s creation. God don’t make junk.

Pray that God will allow you to see your husband through God’s eyes.

Haul out the big guns. Try fasting for your husband, go to Eucharistic Adoration. Decorate your house with images of Jesus, Mary, and the saints. Every room in the house, bathroom, garage, laundry room. Symbolism has a powerful affect. It reminds us that everything we do is under the watchful eye of Christ. It’s a little hard to log on to a porn site with a image of the Sacred Heart posted over the monitor.

Sparkle - Your appearance should have nothing to do with this. Don’t let anyone tell you it does. People change. I sure don’t look like I did when I got married and that was much more recent! Your husband has an addiction. It’s not your fault in any way, shape or form.

I agree with another poster here that if your current marriage counselor isn’t willing to discuss this topic further then you need new counselor. Maybe you could meet with your priest for counseling or for a reference if it would be too embarrassing to discuss it with him personally.

Over all, keep praying. Be strong. And don’t be afraid to take drastic measures (like asking him to leave) if necessary. You’ve been dealing with this a long time. Get some advice from your priest before you do anything drastic just to be sure you aren’t giving up before trying everything. I’m sure we’ll all be praying for you.
:blessyou:

Please, get yourself and your kids away from this man.

I don’t quite understand it. What has he done that is so gravely threatening to his wife and children?

Writing a nasty letter to a student is not necessarily a prelude to incest. Sparkle hasn’t said he is abusive to her. So why must they leave?

Sure it’s not a good example, but I often fail to set a good example for my kids in a number of ways. And so does my wife.

Sometimes, when a person is in total denial and the behavior is destructive a spouse and children may have to leave as a last resort. But I haven’t heard evidence that this has gotten to that point.

Sparkle - you are one of my favorite people on the forum. My heart bleeds for you as you know my ex husband suffered and still does have a heavy addiction to porn.

I suggest also going to a Catholic counselor in addition to your priest. Now I know this may be difficult since he is not Catholic. Do you think he will go with you???

TrueKnights.org is also a great organization to check out for porn addiction and support.

Sister, prayer is going to get you through this. Honestly, I have prayed for you daily and for him as well. Please pray that the dark cloud covering his eyes will lifted.

I am always here for you - as a woman who’s been on familiar ground.
Keep the faith, Sparks.

Jen

Your husband is a great sinner.

You called him scum. Do you think you have to tell him that? Don’t you think he is utterly disgusted with himself? Don’t you think he feels he is a failure especially in the eyes of the woman he loves. He knows the following: He let you down. He was unfaithful. His actions resulted in your public humiliation. He failed to provide for you. He failed to protect you.

I doubt that your criticisim and chastisement will result in anything positive. How can you expect something good to result from bad actions on your part?

I will not justify anything he has done. But understand that it is extremely difficult for a man love and serve his wife when she verbally shows him disrespect and disgust. You may think your disrespect is a recent thing but I challenge you to ask him when he believes you began to show disrespect by your words, expressions, and actions. I am guessing he has felt disrespected for a very long time.

When a man is disrespected it cuts him to the core of his being, even if he doesn’t show it. In some cases it makes it easier for him to look for satisfaction outside the marriage.

Does Jesus have contempt for this wretched sinner? Will Jesus forgive him? Would a priest give your husband absolution?

Can you be close to God if you hold contempt in your heart for your husband? Whether you like it or not, he is a part of you and your soul have been united in the covenant of marriage.

He has obviously not earned your respect. He cannot earn it, just as you cannot earn his love. Neither can you demand his love or he demand your respect.

You entered into a covenant with him on the day you were married. You promised to love honor and obey. This includes respect and respect is what a man needs more than anything. Ephesians 5:33 calls for a wife to respect her husband. This does not include any clause about him needing to earn it.

You need to decide what to do. Either leave him or respect him. In either case you need to forgive him.

A man is capable of humbly asking for your forgiveness if he feels you respect him, even in his weakness or vulnerability. You have the ability to heal or destroy your husband.

I do not mean you have to support him, excuse his actions, live with him, or enable him. Those things are not the same as respect. Get the advice of a man you admire as a great example of a father. This is obviously not your marriage counselor. It may be a priest you know or a man in your Church that you have much respect for. Do not take the advice of your women friends on how to deal with your husband. Your women friends can offer sympathy and support but their advice will be counterproductive.

I know that I would not have the ability to forgive this man. Therefore my advice to you is to pray for guidance and the grace to forgive. With the Grace of God and the intercession of our Blessed Mother, you will obtain the assistance you need to forgive.

Your hope of heaven is resting on this because your lack of forgiveness is doing great damage to your soul.

[quote=Black Jaque]I don’t quite understand it. What has he done that is so gravely threatening to his wife and children?

Writing a nasty letter to a student is not necessarily a prelude to incest. Sparkle hasn’t said he is abusive to her. So why must they leave?

Sure it’s not a good example, but I often fail to set a good example for my kids in a number of ways. And so does my wife.

Sometimes, when a person is in total denial and the behavior is destructive a spouse and children may have to leave as a last resort. But I haven’t heard evidence that this has gotten to that point.
[/quote]

There is an undercurrent of sexual addiction or something of that nature going on here…she says this has been over a matter of years, including addiction to porn.

Since this has been a problem for the past 5 years - to the extent that he has not been able to secure and maintain gainful employment, and the scandal which followed - that is a grave psychological risk to the children.

Physically, yes, his addiction is causing his wife to become ill. Her back is in pain and she is not able to work for herself, not to mention the psychological damage there.

This is not the man’s first offense. And it is no small matter. Emotional abuse is so much more damaging, long term to a child’s psyche. It is not good for the kids to be around him while he suffers through this condition.

This site seems to have quite a bit of resources with a Catholic flavor. It might be a starting point.

You and your family are in my prayers.

My hubby, the last job he had, in a string of lay-offs as I said, was fired from the school district he worked for, as a math teacher, because he wrote a student, a 15 YO, 4, obscene and suggestive letters.

If you have daughters with him, make other plans…Your first job is to protect your children, no matter what.

Writing a nasty letter to a student is not necessarily a prelude to incest. Sparkle hasn’t said he is abusive to her. So why must they leave?

If writing sexually suggestive letters to a fifteen year old does not raise red flags to you, I don’t know what to post. Other than most rational people would recognize it as a danger to their children.

When a man is disrespected it cuts him to the core of his being, even if he doesn’t show it. In some cases it makes it easier for him to look for satisfaction outside the marriage.

This person disrespected himself by writing dirty letters to a fifteen year old. He should have more than his core removed.

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