Thread #2 needing a lot of advice today

Heres the background…my sister is nine and a half years older then me. We both had our first child at 19. We both made huge mistakes in the past, many of which are the same mistakes as each other. While we have both learned from those mistakes and made radical changes in our lives we have different views. I tend to be more sympathic to those who are going through the same or similair situations that i went through. She tends to look down on the same people. Shes a very judgemental person. She has a big heart and has many great qualities. Heres the issue as of late. Saturday we were all at a birthday party. My two older sons were going to stay at an aunts house for the night with a cousin. The aunt was not home. Now my sons may not be perfect but they are good boys. The times they have messed up they have come to me and told me what they did wrong. While at this birthday party my sister asked the boys about staying at this aunts house. She asked if the aunt would be home. When my boys said that the aunt was out of state my sister went on to say to my sons that it was stupid of me to allow them to go with no adult there. The house they stayed at is right in the middle of our very small town. We have family and friends who live near by. If anything did happen i would find out about it. If i didnt trust my boys i wouldnt allow them to stay a night some where alone. Do i say something to her or just let it roll off my back?

What ever you or your sister did in the past is just that, in the past and in reality has nothing to do with your basic question. I’m not sure how old are your boys and their cousin so again this is a hard situation to judge from afar. It basically boils down to do you trust your son’s enough with their cousin to spend the night alone? Now maybe your sister thinks that might be wrong but that is her opinion. You stated that they are good boys but have messed up a few times and told you about it but without knowing the details or what you mean by mess up none of us here can judge the situation. If they are in the home alone for the night, do they have access to alcohol in the home? Even though this is in the middle of a small town, your neighbors are not responsible for what they may or may not do in the home. Are these boys able to drive somewhere? Do they have unlimited access to the internet? I think these are the things you need to worry about than what your sister thinks. I guess the fact that there were issues of “mess up” in the past, it might be unwise to leave 3 boys alone in the home for the night without an adult around even though it is their cousin. There are some red flags here and one night could send you and them down the road of a life time a regrets and it sounds like a maybe and not a good idea.

Yeah, I think that situation could easily go bad. If everybody involved was over 18 and they had permission from the absent aunt, it might be different, but it’s not a good situation.

It’s interesting how quickly the information that parents are gone spreads through the teenage grapevine. One of my younger relatives was very surprised to find herself hosting a party when her parents were out of town. Somebody wound up pooping on the lawn and she had to clean it up, but that’s really the least of the things that could have happened.

I don’t think its any of her business. If you trust your boys and the person whose home they will be staying at is aware and consents, unless she lives in the home as well, she needs to stay out of what does not concern her.

My sons are 18 & 16. The cousin is 18. By mess ups in the past i mean…missing assignments at school, one time my oldest had a beer while at his dads house, when they were little they fessed up if they lied to me about some silly thing. Honestly the only on going problem i have with these two is that my 16 yr old has trouble keeping up in school. They arent the party type kids. The oldest boy holds a full time job. We have two daughters who are out on their own…both hold jobs and go to college full time. Our kids are responsible people.
Also…we give our kids only the amount of freedom they show us they deserve. We have taught our kids that if they lie to us the punishment for the act that they lied about will be twice what the offense itself would have warrented. Our kids know that if they drink, ride with some one who has drank, lied about where they were and so forth then their freedom will be stripped from them. My husband and i are big on trust. If we dont trust oir kids and their judgement then they arent allowed out of our sight.

I am sorry that you are going through this, please be assured of my prayers.

The issue with your sister actually has nothing to do with where your boys were staying, the issue is that she criticized your parenting to your sons. This is incredibly damaging. Essentially she told your son’s that you were an irresponsible mother. No matter what her opinion on your actions, your children should not have been the ones to hear her opinion. She is trying to damage their respect for their mother, dangerous territory.

Oddly though, I agree with your sister that it seems like a very unwise move even if your son’s are wonderful children. Unfortunately these days there is so much to get into that would be awful for young men of that age, the first thing that comes into my mind is internet pornography. With no watchful eye of a parent I can only imagine what websites would be tempting for them to access. Naturally beer drinking and parties come to mind too but even quiet activities can be damaging. Please take care and I hope all is well with your children.

My two older sons were going to stay at an aunts house for the night with a cousin. The aunt was not home. Now my sons may not be perfect but they are good boys. The times they have messed up they have come to me and told me what they did wrong.

Why the need to stay with the cousin the one time all adult supervision has left the state? The fact you’ll find out what they do after the fact is kind of a lead from behind tactic that doesn’t work so well under any circumstance. Kids don’t think ahead - where do you think all these teen moms come from?

SamH said:

“Why the need to stay with the cousin the one time all adult supervision has left the state?”

That’s a good point. If cousin is feeling lonely, maybe he could come spend the night at your house?

Thank you for the clear reminder as to why i dont ask for advice. Every one got completely off topic…no answer to the question i had. I guess in the future i will keep my young men under wraps out of fear of them using the internet wrong, drinking and having babies…feels great to be judged when i was looking for advice. Thanks all, im happy to have learned that my sons are going to be teen parents who get drunk and look at porn, also glad to have it confirmed that im a bad parent. Way to go caf

You asked for advice, the fact it isn’t what you wanted might be an indicator of the problem.

Judgement and advice are very far apart. Look at the thing ive been told by strangers that my sons are likely doing…

Good judgement is how you arrive at good advice.

And now i have bad judgement? How the heck do i delete my profile??? Wait dont answer that i will figure it out for myself…nice way to show support to others. Very charitable thanks for the lesson

Shelly5254: “Judgement and advice are very far apart. Look at the thing ive been told by strangers that my sons are likely doing…”

Even there was even a 10% chance of them using their freedom irresponsibly (which means a 90% chance of them being responsible), it wouldn’t be worth taking the risk. Also, I wonder about your legal culpability if, for instance, your 16-year-old drinks and drives and injures or kills somebody.

I particularly am concerned about the presence of a 16-year-old on this overnight thing. If he weren’t there, it would be just two legal adults.

But you don’t want advice, so whatever.

You are all absolutly right. From this point on i will not allow my children to leave my home with out an adult present. I am a terrible mother with even worse judgement. You have all helped me to see the error of my ways. That said…kiss my a. S. S.

On the surface of it, how is there anything wrong in allowing 2 18 year old boys + 1 16 yr old boy to be in a house overnight “alone”? Two of the three are pretty much old enough to be out on their own anyway…

If the children have a bad track record, that may be another matter. But if they have a good record of earning trust, what’s the problem?

As to whether you should say something to your sister, I suppose that depends on the quality of relationship you have with her. I could certainly see me saying to a sibling that their remarks should have been directed to me, and that it was inappropriate to direct them to my kids.

Bur Shelly, I’m perplexed at the venom in your response to other posters here. They are expressing their opinions from their perspective and life experiences, which differ from yours. Isn’t it reasonable to expect some people will disagree with you? I don’t see a reason to be personally offended.

Honestly, some of us were not trying to judge anyone at all and at least for me, I was going by the information you gave and presented which didn’t include the ages of the boys involved. Likewise, in describing your sons, you said they have sometimes “messed up”. That again is not clear and in the context of the question and the way it was presented, school work was the last thing that would have been interpreted. Ultimately, the decision to have 2 18 years with a 16 year old is yours. If you know them and the cousin and feel comfortable with that, then that is up to you and the other mom. I am wondering what the boys father thinks, if so concerned, I would think that consulting him is a good idea. Even the best kids can fall into temptation, and even if 2 are legally adults, I think the concern about unlimited internet use still stands. Every parents wants to believe their child is above temptation but with all the garbage out there, it is unrealistic.

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