Thread for married people dealing with aftermaths of premarital sex


#1

Yeah, the thread title is a bit much, but I didn’t know how else to say it. Plenty of other threads exist for celibate singles, or for those struggling to wait for marriage, but let’s face it, not all of us did. I can’t be the only one who, although happily married now, still feels bad about this. It hurts me that I didn’t wait for my wife, and it hurts me that my wife didn’t wait for me.

I find two common reactions when I talk about still being bothered by premarital sex. The first reaction is, “Are you insane? This is the 21st Century.” That isn’t very helpful for those of us who think sex is more than just recreation, but an intimate bond meant to be shared only by husband and wife. The second reaction is the opposite extreme, basically, “That’s what you get for breaking God’s rules.” Okay, fair enough, but that doesn’t help either. I don’t own a time machine. I can’t go back. I’m here now, married, never able to have my wife and my first time be with each other on our wedding night like God intended, never able to share this wonderful gift with her exclusively, and it hurts.

Tell me that I’m not insane (at least, not for this reason). Doesn’t anybody else feel that premarital sex, especially with someone other than your present spouse, has had a negative effect on you?


#2

Oh, Gamera, this breaks my heart. :crying: As someone who did receive the gift you mourn the loss of, I don’t think I can offer anything of value to you, but know that it makes me so very sad to hear of people who struggle with this. It must be beyond terrible, I just can’t imagine.

Prayer for peace just sent for you. :signofcross: God bless you.


#3

You are not insane. :slight_smile: As my kids get older, I struggle with how to make them understand (without over revealing) how bad it is to “give away” what should have been a wedding night gift; how it changes EVERYTHING, and how it is something that cannot be healed.

Doesn’t anybody else feel that premarital sex, especially with someone other than your present spouse, has had a negative effect on you?

I think that premarital sex with my present spouse had as much of a negative effect, if not worse, than any other. :o


#4

I’m the same - I struggled with guilt and sorrow for years and years. But I went through some stuff and realised that I have to look ahead and not back. Life is too short to live with regrets.


#5

Well, I am not married but I thougt about it. I don’t have experience with primarital-sex, but should God want me to end up married to one who did how should we take the situation?

You may think that I am insane but I think it can be healed. We believe in an all powerful God, why can’t we believe that he can heal us? Few years ago, a friend sent me short meditation entitled “Be who you are”. Who are we? If we have confessed our sins, we should believe that we were forgiven and can be completely healed as well if we unite Christ Cross (Great work of Reparation) to our penance (completing what is lacking in Christ is suffering).

It starts with St. Paul exhortation to Colossians: “Brothers you have been resurrected with Christ”. It proceeds to explain that it does not say that we will be resurrrected with Christ, but that we are resurrected with Him. Of course we are ressurected with him if we believe in him. He said: " I am life and ressurrection".

Our Church is built of people like St. Peter who denied Jesus thrice even though he was warned that he was going to do it. How did Peter manage to find peace in his heart even after he was forgiven? How about St. Paul, St. Augustine, etc? They were resurrected with Christ. When we are forgiven in confession, I think we should believe it fully, and believe that Jesus death destroyed our damages, and his resurrection restored our lives. Now God look at us and say “It is good”.

I think it is the mystery of the Trinity. From all eternity God look at his creation and see it as good. Not because we have not sinned, but because his Son is perpetually offering reparation to the Father. I think this is the wonderful news to tell to the kids. Tell them about the great love of God. They should avoid sin not to avoid being ashamed later, but to avoid offending this wonderfull love. That past hurts because we realize the wonderfull love we offended.

I think that keep recalling the past is like 'beholding the beast which was, is not, and will be". This beast IS NOT because only God IS. We should look at who we are and praise God because we are his new creation. There is no reason to be ashamed because all have sinned. You are not the only ones. Looking at the past can be dangerous to anyone. For some the past can cause shame, for others pride. God does not want any of these. Jesus saved us and sanctified time. We should look everywhere only to find his love full of his mercy and justice and praise the Most Holy Trinity who come to live in us if we keep the commandements.

It is hard but Jesus asked us to stay in Him so that we may have his Peace which is beyond all undestanding. The past should burn in God’s mercy which springs from his love. Forgiven past is not shameful anymore because it has the mark of God’s mercy. It glorifies God.


#6

Exactly. Taking it to the confessional helped immensely as well.


#7

Guilt isn’t the issue. I received the sacrament of reconciliation before the wedding. I know that God has forgiven me. But the effects of sin remain even after the sin is forgiven.

The problem now isn’t feeling guilty. The problem is feeling robbed. Robbed of the way marriage is supposed to be. Robbed of the experience of giving myself ONLY to my wife. Robbed of giving myself to her and to nobody else. Robbed of the honor of being her “first time.” Robbed of being the only guy she ever shared herself with. And even robbed of having our first time with each other be pure and loving on our wedding night instead of being a sin.

It isn’t “guilt.” I understand that God has forgiven us. But we can’t un-ring a bell. We can never get back what we were supposed to have. We bought into society’s lies and we got ripped off! :mad:


#8

I’m disgusted when I think about what I’ve done and where I’ve been. I don’t know if my husband had any real “girlfriends” prior to his first wife (who passed away) and I don’t want to know. I’m sure it’s safe to assume there was at least some activity.
He wasn’t Catholic and I wasn’t taught squat by my parents, so while disgusted, I can forgive myself for simply not knowing.
Earlier in my marriage was much harder, as I struggled with feeling used. We’ve gotten past that, and I am so grateful to the Church for it’s teachings on NFP and marriage. Artificial contraception probably would have solidified to me that idea of being used, and my marriage could well have fallen apart.
Work together toward that holy union that was meant to be. I think you can achieve it eventually, through prayer and by the grace of God.


#9

it took me a long time to realise that some things you just have to accept. It was so hard and I felt robbed too but then I didn’t choose to be robbed initially. But I’ve been through illness and have decided that I can put it behind me now. I no longer feel robbed - that’s just how Satan wanted me to feel and I won’t give him the satisfaction!


#10

I think everyone is too hard on themselves. I guess I must be a horrible pagan sinner still because I don’t have the overwhelming guilt that some of you seem to have. We are forgiven through the sacrament of reconciliation. It might have been wrong but the love you shared before marriage and now is not. It is a gift from God. This should be the focus. We make mistakes. You loved your “to be spouse” so much that you lost control and by wanting to share this love, fell into sin. I really think there are worse things we should worry about. I don’t mean to diminish the importance of a chaste life. Please don’t read my post this way.

Obviously we should always strive for a chaste life before marriage but if this does not happen, go to confession and know that God does not want us spending our marriage with regret or in shame. This would taint the love you share and the beautiful sacrament of marriage.

Your not insane Gamera, you have a great deal of respect for the teachings of our faith, I think this is a wonderful blessing but please don’t feel so bad. You shouldn’t let this have a negative effect on you. You sound like you have a pure heart.


#11

I know exactly how you feel! Your posts sound just like many things I have written and spoken on the subject. You are NOT insane, but your ARE called to do something with your knowledge and experience.

My husband and I were called to promote NFP and all forms of chastity. God did not participate with us in our sin, but he did allow us to freely commit those sins. Now He has taken our bad and used it for good. I have a lot of credibility with people because I can explain precisely why I bought into those lies and exactly how much we were ripped off. We speak at Catholic Engaged Encounter weekends. We have been told time and again how our talk is the most authentic because we admit to going wrong. We don’t present ourselves as anything other than who we are.

I am not saying that life-long chaste people don’t have a voice in this. I am saying that God will take all of us in our individual experiences and put us where He wants us, but only if we let him. Yes, we were ripped off. God now has us on an “anti-scam” tour so others can learn from our mistakes.

God bless you. I look forward to hearing where God has called you in this situation.


#12

God bless you for your honesty and witness. I love the phrase “anti-scam tour.” That’s great!

Didn’t Pope John Paul II say that he believed the best pro-life advocates would be women who had abortions? It’s so true that God can use our negative experiences and even our sin for His glory.


#13

Confession and getting God’s forgiveness was a start for me, but the thing that helped the most with the guilt of it was going to my wife and asking for forgiveness from her since my sin harmed her also. This also prompted her to come back and ask me for forgiveness too. The simple act of forgiving her has calmed a lot of my jealous anger towards her since I was not her first but she was my first(and only(i didn’t want to confuse protestants by leaving it at first so they won’t think there was others like some of them think Mary had other children because Jesus was called her first born:thumbsup: )).

We’ll see how I feel at her 10 year reunion that is this fall where some of those guys might be there.:mad:


#14

When we regret past sin, despite repentance and forgiveness and our sure knowledge of God’s mercy, we can always remember that even after the Resurrection, Christ carried the wounds of the cross in his hands and feet and sides. When I am tempted to dwell on regret for past sins I remind myself that Jesus carried his wounds and mine with him when he ascended into Heaven…


#15

Excellent post:thumbsup:


#16

We can never get back what we were supposed to have. We bought into society’s lies and we got ripped off!

Oh yeah, I know the feeling of being robbed, Gamera. My wife and I were robbed of this and so very much more. Only through the grace of God did we realize how far we had fallen. But we also realized we both had chosen our sinful ways mostly as a response to years of pain, cruelty and rejection in our earlier lives. I myself chose to be ignorant of the Church, as I felt it was partly responsible for my chaotic life.

You could say “society” was responsible, but society is only a pawn in the game. I know who is really responsible. I don’t feel bad having been duped by the king of liars. I will never be smart enough to win without the constant help of God, Mary, His angels and saints.

When I’m having this “robbed” feeling, though, I have to remind myself that my conversion and great thankfulness for God’s mercy is in proportion to how He has forgiven my terrible sins. I would rather feel the gratitude of the prodigal son, and feel the forgiveness of his father, than risk being like his brother.

-Tim


#17

I think that we have a forgiving Father. Not that i think what you did was right…no but I do believe that because you have felt badly about it and I assume you went to confession and gave a sincere confession then you must let it go. Concentrate on the good that you can do by being a good role model for those around you. We all sin. Do good to make up for your past by being happy and friendly to those around you and show God’s love. Pray and go to Church and make the mass meaningful to you. He is present around you and wants you to love and enjoy your spouse. Married couples should not have their past come in their way but share their love for each other as God intends. I don’t think God wants you to be burden by past mistakes but strive to do better by being a good spouse and showing your love for your spouse. Yes, the past mistakes were wrong but don’t dwell on them. Make others see you be the good that they should be and this will be the wittness we are supposed to be for others. Help pray for kids today that think it is normal to have sex before marriage. :blessyou:


#18

This is beautifully put :slight_smile:

I don’t understand all this talk of “being robbed” married love is very different from what we experience with people in our past. I don’t feel robbed nor do have I ever felt jealousy about my spouses past. That would be a sign of an insecure marriage at least in my mind. :shrug:


#19

I agree. We can allow the devil to win over us a second time with the same sin by dwelling on it, not letting it go. He laughs when we don’t believe God’s Mercy is enough to heal and restore us beyond our past. :frowning:


#20

what I can share is the collective experience of my generation, the first fruits of the sexual revolution and radical feminism, first to have easy cheap ABC, the Pill, to enter college with the expectation (if not the goal) of losing one’s virginity. For many of us Catholics to hear and react against Humanae Vitae was a more defining event than even V2 and the new Mass. When I was in high school living together openly before marriage simply was not done, except by those deliberately flouting convention. By the time I married it was fast becoming the cultural expectation it is today.

When I went to my first feminist consciousness raising session it was about sisterhood, supporting other women, equal pay for equal work, and recognising the dignity and economic contribution of housework. When I went to my last and gave up feminism forever it was about proving your credentials by having an abortion, either hating men and becoming lesbian, or making yourself available sexually to any man who came down the pike (esp. one of another race) to prove your liberations.

When I was in HS the only people who had sex before marriage were those who “hadda” get married. By the time I married if you had not anticipated your wedding night several months previously to “prove compatibility” even your doctor assumed there was something seriously wrong with you. When I was a young married Masters and Johnson and their ilk were promoting open marriage, swinging, masturbation, viewing porn together and other disgusting habits as secrets to marital success.

What are the fruits? More and more research is coming out, which bears out my personal experience of couples in my generation (coming up on 40 yrs of marriage) about the unhappiness and fragility of unions that began with premarital sex. IMO the early sexual intimacy forestalled growth of true intimacy which is supposed to be the hallmark of the engagement period. These couples never talked, just had sex, and learned to measure the health of their relationship solely on the basis of personal satisfaction with their sex life.

Those marriages who have not broken up earlier because of infidelity promoted by the self-satisfaction priority of this mindset, are breaking up now because once children are gone, financial goals have been met, and sex no longer has the urgency or frequency it did when they were younger, and there is simply no other basis for the relationship. There is simply an epidemic, even among “good Catholics” of long term marriages dissolving because these couples never learned to communicate and share on an intimate level of mind, heart, intellect and spirit because they never learned to go beyond the physical, and because the physical union was driven by self-satisfaction and self-fulfillment and “meeting MY needs.” Sad and tragic.

solution I suppose would be emergency therapy on establishing true communication and intimacy, but don’t know where one would go to find it, other than Marriage Encounter or Retrouville in a Catholic mindset. Every retreat I go to with other older married women seems to revolve around issues such as those raised by OP. There is a sea of hurt out there, but for spiritual health we have to learn to confess, express contrition, accept absolution, do penance and move on. We have to grieve and heal by the same slow process as is required by other forms of grieving and healing. This includes, for many women in my generation, grieving for unborn children lost through aggressive contraception.


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