Thread for single people


#1

OK, I don’t want to turn this forum into a dating site, instead, I just thought it might be nice to have a thread for people who are, for whatever reason, not married but also not pursuing a vocation to single life, to post a little about themselves and the problems we encounter, maybe encourage eachother.

My story, I was engaged for 7 months to a wonderful young woman, but things broke down, we just weren’t listening to eachother and we couldn’t help eachother deal with our problems, which meant they just built up until it became too stressful to even talk. About 2-3 months before we were due to marry, she called it off, asking if we could just stay friends. I proved myself unable to be a friend without constantly dwelling on someday becoming more again, so now it’s just over. This has all happened in the last 2 weeks, though looking back I can see that there were unaddressed issues from the start. I’m still a little tender, though I realise I have become a better, more confident, more understanding and trusting person because of this relationship, and also realised that I don’t want to remain single. I may not be ready for marriage yet, but I am ready to become ready.


#2

I feel for you bro, it must really suck to be into a relationship like that and get so close to marrying and then have it all called off and remain ‘friends’. I don’t get how something like that can happen, so close to marriage.

Just a bit of advice, since it was only 2-3 weeks since you guys broke up, it’s best not to go into dating again, give it time, I know sometimes it feels like a game of some sort to prove to her ‘Oh i moved on’ etc. How old are you? Staying away from the dating game for a few months and giving yourself to God completely for a bit longer wouldn’t hurt I reckon, you would still be emotionally in that relationship to start dating again so quickly.

Cheers


#3

Hi DL82! There’s an existing thread for single people, and you can find it here:

Singles Clubhouse II

Hope this helps!


#4

I feel for you. My ex-girlfriend broke up with me on 2nd Feb (Candlemas) and I ended up slacking on my Master’s thesis, as well as lagging behind on a number of other things. I’ve made a couple of threads here and I fear I burdened people too much with my problems. Such things take a long time to heal and for you, it has only just started. I’m sorry to hear about your situation, but one thing is surely good: that it happened now and not after wedding. You can’t know for sure if your ties with that girl are cut. Perhaps it’s not the end of the story - people have come back to each other after such break-ups. You certainly aren’t over her yet, either. Yes, this means it’s not a good idea to go fishing again and neither is getting fished what you really need at the moment.

If you don’t mind TMI and if it’s going to help you anyhow, I still love my ex. And I know I couldn’t marry her unless she made some promises she hasn’t been willing to, even if she were to return to me, but I still can’t help it. Some feelings for her arrived or matured after that break-up - in fact, some memories of shared moments were only just forming. In the beginning, I would try either to get her back or to get over her completely, but later, I became of a different attitude. I doubt she’s the girl I’ll eventually marry (if) after how things have ended, but there is still some unfinished business, so I don’t really want to get involved with other girls. It’ll pass after some time. As with you. You need time at the moment.


#5

Oh boy has this been the story of the past 7 months for me…

I started dating my most recent ex last year (I was a junior, he was a freshman, it turned out that was a big age difference…). For many reasons, it just didn’t work out between us, and I’m very upset about that, because we really had a great relationship when we were together… Good things have come from it though. I started praying the Rosary daily, I started really trusting in God and learning the value of sacrifice, and I started running…all things which have really helped my life so much. In some ways it’s a good thing we broke up; neither one of us were really ready for the direction that our relationship would have gone in had we stayed together. I won’t speak for him, but I know that in the past few months I’ve grown a lot, and I do feel that I’m ready to take the next step in relationships. It still hurts to realize that the best relationship I ever had ended, but I trust in God, and I know it will all work as it’s meant to… I haven’t dated others yet, and honestly I’ve looked, but there just isn’t the same connection that my ex and I had, and I don’t want to be in a relationship with anyone unless we have that connection…


#6

These kind of threads are rather depressing.


#7

Here’s a thread I started awhile back. We don’t have to resurrect the issues, but it definately is a main issue for me…

forums.catholic.com/showthread.php?t=137649


#8

Vocation to single life? Been wondering about that as well. On many levels, I’m more myself when I’m single. If I’m not to be myself while being with someone, I’d rather be alone and true to myself.


#9

I feel like I’ve been more myself around my fiancee than I’ve ever been on my own. Though lately I’ve reverted to having my public persona mask up even when talking to her.

If there’s one thing I’ve gained, it’s the knowledge that I can be the real me for me, not just for another person. There was too much pressure on my fiancee to be my whole world, which I now realise was unfair. Nonetheless, the circumstances dictated that (I was winding down my life in the UK and preparing to emigrate to marry her, going through RCIA to marry her as a Catholic having been Anglican, and pretty much turning my whole life upside down) and I think I was actually making myself ill. That she could leave me in those circumstances rather than trying to work through it says something about the strength of any love we might still have.

It will take time, one way or another.


#10

I’ll join the club here. Haven’t found anyone yet at 43, and I don’t see any prospects in sight. Very discouraging when you don’t have an immediate family of your own and you don’t know how long the extended family will stay together.

There was one 20 years ago that I thought was a “the one”, but that didn’t work out. There were few others, but the latest one didn’t seem to know what she wanted out of life (she didn’t even know what age group she wanted to date).

People always say to make yourself a better single, but there’s only so far you can take that. After a while it gets old, and when you see people in your own age group with families, you know that there is something missing that just eats at you. Every activity one does, no matter how fun, becomes permeated with the thought “If only I could share this moment with someone” (that someone being a wife and kids).

I did spend time in a HS seminary (the same one Chicago went to), so yes, I have discerned priesthood, before anyone asks. If I could handle being single and without a family for the rest of my life, I’d probably be wearing a collar by now.

Considering the dating world today, I find it hard to give encouraging words, except to say that I will never criticize someone who is eligible to be married for pursuing that , but instead I will fight by their side against anyone who criticizes them.


#11

Norseman, sometimes I wonder if it isn’t a certain personality trait which prevents some people from finding a mate. One idea is that some people don’t want to compromise. There’s so much to give up that one doesn’t want to, especially when one has become picky. Perhaps it’s unwillingness to invest time in friendships and other relations with people - in that case one shoots himself in the foot as far as finding a spouse material goes. What else? Some people are difficult to match. This may simply return to #1, but perhaps there’s more to it than unwillingness to compromise.

In my own case, I freely admit to being unable or unwilling to compromise on certain things. I can be open-minded, but some things I won’t compromise on. If I’d take a bullet rather than agreeing with those, I won’t do it for a person, either. There are some things which are allowed, such as having sex with a spouse using artificial birth control, that I’d rather remain unmarried than have to do (if there’s a chance of abortion, I’m not having sex, period). As far as the collar goes, however, I’m afraid I’d be too much of a rebel - not like I’m not lawful, but I don’t see myself shutting up to a bishop. Besides, I’d probably be trying to become a cardinal or nuncio somewhere. :stuck_out_tongue: Perhaps I’ll become a judge and start preaching long sermons along with sentences instead. :stuck_out_tongue: …Although the plan at the moment is to finish PhD and see what happens, most likely getting attorney rights of practice at some point. If no woman winds up, well, I can learn another language or push up the the academic ladder or something like that. And there’s always family to spend cash on. Better than being stuck in a relationship that won’t work, something based on convenience or feer of “singledom”. I admit, however, this may be coming from some dysfunction of mine.


#12

I was widowed 20 years ago. I fully expected, at some point, to marry again. I have met some interesting men but none that shared my faith. The ones I met who are Catholic think I am a wonderful woman but have not been interested in me in any way other than as a sister in Christ.

At some point I realized that what I want (family of my own, children of my own, etc) may not be what God wanted for me. Because of my widowed status I have been in a position to do things for people that I would not have been available to do if I had had the responsibility of raising my own children, or caring for a husband. It’s interesting - because while I would have always said that I was called to the vocation of marriage, practical experience has proven otherwise!

Today I realize that I may never, ever get the life I want - but I sure have a life that is second to none, and now it is my responsibility to live it in accordance with God’s Will, and the teachings of the Holy Mother Church, to the best of my ability one day at a time…not perfect, of course - but that’s why I am a practicing Catholic…I have to practice practice practice every day 'cos I am not perfect!


#13

Wow Norse, good advice mate. :slight_smile:


#14

I love this post especially the part bolded. It’s very true words that you have written.

Personal i feel that i don’t deny myself from doing something because i am single but i could enjoy it better/differently if i had someone to share it with.


#15

I agree with a lot that’s been posted already. Dating these days can seem like a mind field at times especially if you have certain standards…maybe beliefs is a better word…that you’re not willing to compromise on. In my case finding guys who aren’t players, haven’t been divorced and have some moral values seems to be the problem. I’m not saying that I don’t run into nice guys but for some reason they don’t seem that interested in me. I just take it as Gods way of telling me they aren’t “the right one”. I’ve pretty much known since I was a kid that I wanted to be a mom and have a family so I feel no doubt of my calling there but I’m beging to wonder if God plans for me just to adopt and be a single parent. Right now adoption isn’t an option for me (financially) but maybe in 5 or 10 years. I leave it to him to show me the path but sometimes I do get really discouraged especially when I see other people with their kids and I want to tell them not to take their families for granted. I have a great family and don’t have any complaints but I would like to make my dad a grandfather someday…I know he would like to be one. :rolleyes:


#16

AMEN to that!


#17

I’m single at 23.
Its pretty hard to meet guys that are Catholic. I’m a shy introverted person as well.

When guys approach me & try some pick up line i either laugh at them or don’t know what to say.

I am, however, trying to get out of my shell more & be more outgoing.


#18

Dear Dad…
You see these children of yours and their longings…
you have created us in Your Image and Likeness with the wishes of giving ourselves and loving … Lord You Yourself are a married man… you married the Church and created us all because you knew it was no good being alone.
Lord God we just lay our hearts out infront of you and ask that You’d just give us your peace that surpasses all understanding, and send us that person that we will love and who will love us… Lord have mercy on us…
In the name of Yeshua, for whatever we ask in His Name will be given to us…

And everyone said …


#19

Hello Everyone,

I just thought I would drop in and say hello and let you know I “share your pain!” I am 31 and still single. I broke up with my last boyfriend over a year and a half ago over our religious differences. Since then, I decided I only wanted to date practicing Catholics because I was tired of wasting my time. I learned a lot from all of the people I have dated, and dont regret it, but I finally learned that if I wanted to marry a practicing Catholic, I shouldnt bother dating non-Catholic men. It feels impossible to find any practicing Catholic guys out there. I met a lot of “posers” who were culturally Catholic but nothing more.

I am very happy with myself and where I am in life and get so tired of hearing the old clique " you will meet someone when you stop looking." Most of my friends are married and now starting families, so I really do feel like I am missing something. God has blessed me so much, but I feel like I could appreciate and enjoy those blessing more fully if I had someone to share them with.

It is also challenging from a professional standpoint to still be single. Most of my coworkers are married and they always invite other couples over for dinner but rarely single people. I`ve tried inviting other couples over, but it seems like the married folks naturally migrate toward each other!

I try to keep an open mind, but have stopped looking for the time being. Work keeps me too busy as it is but I try to volunteer as much as possible in my spare time etc. That way I still feel “needed.”

I know most people eventually get married so the statistics are in our favor! But sometimes I worry it is “too much” to hope to marry a practicing Catholic guy!

Hang in there everyone! And for our OP, I definitely recommend taking a long break from dating. It takes a long time to heal after a intimate relationship ends. I am very sorry your relationship ended in such a painful way. I will keep you in my prayers.

Sincerely,

Maria1212


#20

They probably use pick up lines because they don’t know what else to say. :wink: Sometimes this means they’re as shy as you, maybe even more insecure but it’s theirs to make the move. :wink: And there are some types who think a pick up line is enough to impress a girl and she should fall over her head for him. Don’t feel obliged to be impressed by a pick-up line that doesn’t impress you at all. If it’s a bit cheesy but the guy is nice, you may want to try and help him strike the conversation… although he won’t likely turn into a William the Conqueror afterwards, so you need to be sort of sure you like the quieter guys. :wink:


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