To ask or not to ask....


#1

I was wondering, in the past it was typically considering good form to ask the parents before proposing, is this still considered a good idea? I would think yes because first of all, on just a purely practical level, it will at least get you in good with the in-laws perhaps. 2nd of all I think that even though the parents do not have legal jurisdiction of their child after 18, they still have moral jurisdiction becasue they do not cease to be parents when the child turns 18 so they do have a right to at least know before hand if not be asked. Well thats just my opinion.


#2

I asked because my wife of today because she wanted me too… if he had said no, then the next step would have been hers… i was 22 she was 21, lucky he said yes… lucky??? … he was smiling right after he said yes… i wonder who won here… hmm… i got to think about this one… :cool:


#3

It depends on the in-laws and the situation.


#4

I am a wife, so I’ve been-there-done-that on the other side of the equation. My dh is 22 years older than me. My dad was REALLY upset when my dh made it clear that he intended to marry me. I was 25 and he was 47. So when the time came, I told him he had to ask. Well he did it, in front of my mother and me … and I would not really categorize it as asking … it was more like "and I plan to marry your daughter … " and the whole thing was just horrible. Very uncomfortable. I think he didn’t phrase it as a question b/c it would have been a “no.” Maybe we could have worked on my dad; my dh chose not to bother.

The sad end of the story is that my dad was diagnosed w/ a brain tumor shortly thereafter and only lived 10 days after the diagnosis … so he did not get to see my happy ending.

I had moved away so my parents didn’t get to know my dh as we courted. They had only met him a few times before the engagement. It would have been different if they had seen for themselves that his age did not make him a predator. wink


#5

I didn’t ask but if I had to do it all over again I would phrase it like I was asking for his blessing rather than his permission. By asking for permission you are acknowledging his authority which would then be insulting if you then rejected it. By asking for his blessing you are basically asking if he’s supportive of the marriage.


#6

I asked my boyfriend to do it. (he has not done it yet, but soon.) I think its a polite gesture and its traditional. And I am all about tradition. If you know the parents are going to say yes anyway, then whats the harm? It will earn major brownie points. If they say no then maybe they have a good reason. Older people know what’s up and we should heed their advice because they’ve been there, done that. Wow, I cant believe I just said that. My mother would have a heart attack if she saw this!


#7

[quote=StratusRose]I asked my boyfriend to do it. (he has not done it yet, but soon.) I think its a polite gesture and its traditional. And I am all about tradition. If you know the parents are going to say yes anyway, then whats the harm? It will earn major brownie points. If they say no then maybe they have a good reason. Older people know what’s up and we should heed their advice because they’ve been there, done that. Wow, I cant believe I just said that. My mother would have a heart attack if she saw this!
[/quote]

never hurts to suck-up every now and then… :thumbsup:
:smiley: :smiley: :smiley: :smiley: :smiley:


#8

Other (please specify)

You ask, they say no, and you find out why.


#9

We’re teaching our son’s to court, then date. Courting involves hanging around the whole family so that the parents get to know what type of man you are.

Dating is when you progress to being alone, going to movies and such.

We are teaching them that they are to ask, out of deference for the man who has raised their future wife.

Familial support is very important in a marriage.


#10

I agree with TA STobie…it depends on the inlaws and the situation

I think generally it is a respectful thing but I chose not to because I felt like my in-laws were being very controlling and they didn’t need to have one more thing to feel like they had control over…we had to assert our independence


#11

I chose other…

Having just finished reading I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Josh Harris, I now think that the in-laws should be involved, even before engagement. Of course, if the in-laws are unbelievers or don’t have a close relationship with their daughter that is another story. Personally, I would like my future spouse to ask my parents for my hand before asking me and before that to ask to court/date me.
Also…
Remember-the in-laws are going to be a part of your life if you do marry. I wouldn’t want to start off with a bad beginning. If the parents say no, find out why and ask for a chance to redeem yourself if needed.

I wish I had time to write more but…

On a sidenote, I would recommend Joshua Harris’ books to singles. It definitely changed my outlook on dating!


#12

My fiance nevr asked my parents, but they would’ve said no anyway since they hate him. My mother would rather die then see my name change to his family name (small town politics, she only hates him for who his family is). It’s funny because 2 years ago is Dad started calling me his daughter-in-law, he even says 'i love you" to me!! My own parents have never said that to me, ever!!


#13

Never, ever, ever.

Assuming you’re marrying an adult, her parents have no say in the matter. It’s her decision, and her decision alone.

Of course you should be nice to them, and of course you should tell them at once and thank them for raising such a wonderful person and welcoming you to the family, but they don’t get a vote on this.


#14

I didn’t ask my father in law (my wife’s mother was deceased when we met) because: 1) she was out living on her own and had been for many years (she was 33 and I was 29) 2) His answered wouldn’t have mattered 3) I wasn’t marrying him 4) I simply don’t like the implication that we needed his approval.


#15

never ask a girl to marry you unless you KNOW the answer will be yes, same with asking the folks for her hand…
in my case i went to her mom and dad’s house one night when she was at school mainly because i HAD to show someone the ring… i was so excited… - my advice would be you should have a pretty good idea if they’ll say yes or no well in advance of asking the question - after i talked to the future in-laws, my fiancee actually called me after her class while she was going back to her apartment… i had to fib to her about what i did that night, I couldn’t tell her i’d been BSing and laughing with her mom for the last 3 hours. my fiance was surprised when she called home to tell her mom we had just gotten engaged (i told her mom the exact moment i would do it - my gal was shocked when she called home to tell her mom about the engagement and the whole family was waiting by the phone clapping and hooting - i had it planned to the minute, i’m precise like that)


#16

I would hope it’s just a formality because we will be in love with the guy when it comes time for that (my 15 year old hasn’t even had a boyfriend yet). But, she has definitely been told that her future fiance better know he needs to have “the talk” before “the ring”.

I don’t know what plan B is if we don’t think it’s a match made in heaven.

Kris


#17

My husband asked for my hand in marriage and he brought his father along with him, that was really nice. I wouldn’t have had it any other way.


#18

i chose the “obligatory other” because if they say no, that doesn’t mean you go ahead and do it but it also doesn’t mean you just give up. it means you have to convince them you are the one for their daughter and don’t do it until they say yes or realize (and this should take at least a year i think) they are being irrational (the process for this realization is taking your “case” to others such as your priest, family, friends and mentors and seeing what they say. if they agree for the most part with the parents than try to mend the things they feel reserved about. if they disagree with the parents, you now have supporters who can go to the parents on your behalf)

i asked my in-laws for my wife’s hand and my father-in-law actually asked my what my price was to take her off their hands…lol.


#19

Such a tricky question! If I’M the one you want to marry then I’m thinking so long as I’m an adult I’ll decide for myself and my parents don’t get a say. However, if it’s MY DAUGHTER you want to marry then by all means ask me first and if I say no, then NO it is. :slight_smile:


#20

I didn’t ask her parents, but then we were both adults past 30 and living on our own (not together), so there didn’t seem to be any need.


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