To talk or not on husband's driving


#1

How many women have a hard time keeping quiet at their husband’s driving?

Am I the only one, or is there more people like me out there. I seem to correct my husband’s driving and it drives him crazy. Mind you mind goes to a rage of anger because he suffers from an anger problem, but even if I nicely say, “you are too close to that car” he gets angry. We have many fights over this?

I have tried staying quiet, but to be very honest, speaking out has saved us from running at least four red lights in the past year. I don’t know when he will stop for he waits for the last moment to stop when the light is red. Since he almost has run some lights, I tell him when it is read when I see he is going to fast and not slowing down. I would say, “red light” and he would get upset and say he is not stupid.

Maybe, I am wrong, but I don’t feel that I am. The one time I close my eyes so I will keep quiet, he hits the car in front of us. It would have been worse, but I opened my eyes and saw that his head was turned and we were too close as usual to the car ahead of us and he slammed on the brakes, but we hit it anyway.

How many of you wives keep quiet or speak out? Do you have arguements over his driving? And you husbands out there, do you hate it when we say anything? Do you get real angry?


#2

The thing is that this isn’t about driving, it’s about his anger issues (and maybe other issues I don’t know about). The only time it is useful to comment on things like this is when the other person is ignorant but willing to learn. In this case, he is well aware of what he is doing and stubborn.

And–anger problem aside–I don’t think many people like it when others comment on their driving habits. =/ I understand your concern but I really don’t think this strategy is going to get you anywhere. This ball is in his court. :frowning:


#3

Could you drive instead?


#4

No offense, but I would laugh at the day a woman told me how to drive, the ones around Texas don’t have a clue. :wink:


#5

We dont have this issue…we own two cars and one is mine and one is his…since I own the bigger, safer car we use mine when we go somewhere as a family so guess what I am driving not him…so I never have to put up with his driving:D :thumbsup:


#6

If you can afford it, get your own car. If not, have a talk with him when he is not driving. My husband sometimes gets to close to other cars, and when he does, i tell him, your too close, and he eases off. he has never run a red light though, that is good.

usually he is very mindful of other drivers on the road. when the sunlight is really strong and blaring into his vision, i tell him that the light has changed color or whatever if he can’t see it.
we benefit each other.


#7

We have gone through the same senario, sans accident. It was worse before we had children. We had a very close call one time with the girls in the car with us (both under 4) and I told him that he needed to think about the precious cargo we were responsible for. People die when things moving hit them, life is extremely fragile. He’s been better with the driving since then, but he has gone through some major life changes. He still sees a therapist and I think that has helped with everything, including the driving/anger issues.

As for me I try to let him drive and not be so jumpy. If he’s veering to the side of the road because he’s looking at the scenery I calmly say, “Hon . . .” and that seems to get his attention back without making him feel like I’m accusing him of being a bad driver. He does continue to “roll through” stop signs. I keep my mouth shut and watch the other drivers. If I see they are not paying attention then I say something like, 'He doesn’t see you" which puts the “bad driver” emphasis on the other person, not him. Its probably not so much what I say but the tone I use.


#8

My husband has ADD and therefore, a short attention span. As a result, he tends to drift over to the edge of the road when he drives. His response to my comments about this vary. Sometimes he will thank me for letting him know he’s about to run off the road, sometimes he gets angry. My strategy is to say nothing unless I think we are in real danger of having an accident.

Of course when the shoe’s on the other foot, it’s ok for him to criticize my driving every time I drive. My way of dealing with that is to refuse to drive when he’s in the car. He knows this is the reason I won’t drive so when he really wants me to drive he has learned to be less critical.

After five years together we have both mellowed out a little and have learned to compromise so we don’t argue about driving as much as we used to.


#9

THIS is the #1 thing we fight about.

I always comment on his driving because he is a horrid driver. And no, he won’t always let me drive. He doesn’t pay attention - sometimes misses lights turning red - doesn’t notice yeild signs until there’s no place to go. It’s terrible. I love him & my children too much to just let him kill us all so if he’s driving, I’m helping by pointing out the obvious, like “red light” or “yield” or “stop sign.”

Yes, he hates it. Too bad.

Our poor guardian angels! I can’t imagine what THEY must go through??


#10

lol, I’m not even married yet and I drive my fiancee batty commenting on his driving.

Here’s the problem: he’s that slow, pokey, enjoying-the-roadside-flowers- Sunday driver! Agh! And I am the one racing from a to b and locating every vehicle within the vicinity, making little plans for evasive action…

Well, anyways, it’s one of those little trivial things that we laugh off if it gets too tense.

He has never gone in a rage or gotten mad at me about it. I think you have other issues that are coming up through the driving fight.


#11

Some people are terrible drivers. If other people won’t get into the car with your husband, take notice.

If you are disabled and must accept the driving of another, this is difficult. I’d speak up before they blow through a red light (that has been red for a full minute) at a major intersection. You could save a stranger’s life, or even your own. Talk to them away from the car to try to come to an arrangement. The only driver I know who is this bad is aware of the problem and can be spoken with.


#12

:smiley:

:smiley:

here, here!

:smiley: Karin, have I told you lately that i love you?!?! :smiley:


#13

I agree totally!! It is an anger issue and not really about driving, even though his driving is terrible. We have spoken to counselors about this and they recommend that I drive, but he hates that for he says he is the MAN! He wants to drive his family he says. I can understand that, but sometimes I do like to drive. To be honest though, I would prefer the husband to drive, but when I say anything, he gets angry. He has this one bad habit that is dangerous and that is to slam on the brakes on the road. He says he looks back first to see if anyone is coming, but on a major highway, he does slow down considerably and I see there is cars behind us. I did not let him drive my daughter or I for a long time after his last episode of doing this and it worked for he really hasn’t done it since. He did slow down just two weeks ago, but pulled to the side of the road and told me to “shut up!” I got angry and opened my door and my daughters. I got her out and told him, I would call a family member to pick us up and he could leave. This made him angrier, but this advice was by a psychologist who told me I did not have to put up with his yelling at me. He also said in front of our daughter, “God Damn you!”

He did let me drive and we got back into the car when I had the keys and he moved out of the drivers seat. He proceeded to continue to yell and scream. Yes, this is a control issue and an anger problem. I don’t think some of you that said you have this problem also has it this bad. Or do you?


#14

Shucks…thanks paulah:o :wink:


#15

Does this only happen in the car? This problem sounds like it could be one of many. I grew up in a house where everyone yelled and screamed, but it doesn’t have to be this way, truly!

Do you have your own set of keys for the car?


#16

Yes, I do have my own set. I usually carry it with me also, but this day I did not and even if I did, he would not get out of the driver seat. Mind you it is my car, but sense it is the car we go out as a family, he wants to drive. I hate the way he brakes and turn, it does wear out the tires more faster. But I can’t mention that also.

We use to yell and scream a lot at home when we were first married. I did not know my dh had some mental health issues, but he has been in counseling and on medication and things got better. Overall, he is better and we don’t argue that much at home. At home, if we do get into it, which is not a daily event as it use to be, it will be on raising our daughter. He is to strict and I am not. It has to do with his upbringing. He grew up in a dysfunctional home and abusive parents. But our biggest fights are over his driving. That is our #1 problem and his anger doesn’t help at all for I correct him at all.

Someone suggested saying, “hon,” and it was enough for her husband to get back on track, but if I did that, it would get him angry as well. It doesn’t help that he also has Parkinson’s Disease and low blood sugar to go with the anger problem. I just hate his anger. I can’t say anything about his driving, even if it will help protect our lives, but I do for that is too bad, my daughter and myself are in the car.


#17

You are not alone in this!!! OMG…My husband and I have ongoing debates of who is a better driver. He is a crazy driver…a fast driver…as if the world is coming to an end if he doesn’t push the speed limit to the edge. :o It is truly at times, scary. He of course always points out that he has never had an accident in his life…I tell him that he has probably caused many, though. He doesn’t get overly angry, but over time he has learned…that our kids as well, do not enjoy driving with him…so, he has made some changes. I don’t think that you should have to walk on egg shells if your husband’s driving is reckless or just makes you really uncomfortable…but, he may not like to be criticized, which my husband points out that I do a lot. So, we have learned to compromise…BEFORE we get into the car, we discuss the trip…and for him to be considerate that there are others in the car truly bothered by his driving…and it seems to be working for us, now.

He thinks I drive like a snail…slower than one, actually…I guess we are just different.:rolleyes: :slight_smile:


#18

You know what? I don’t think he should drive any more. Just tell him that you’re sorry, but you’ll be doing the driving. No need to hash over why or make a big production of it. Just get to the driver’s side first and get in. What you describe sounds very scary and unsafe.

I just went back and read your earlier post. I’m positive that he shouldn’t drive. His problem is anger. And, you know what? He’d be angry about something else if it weren’t the driving.

My husband goes a bit faster than I’d like, but we live in a remote, mountainous area with very twisty roads. Sometimes I just say, “Honey, this road is scaring me.” I’ll say it in a scared little voice and that generally slows him down. But, he’s not a terrible driver or anything - just a bit faster than I’m comfortable with (not even speeding.)


#19

My husband is the worst driver in the world. The only thing that shuts him up is when I remind him of the price of our auto insurance policy and how much lower it would be if he would drive more carefully. It works.


#20

You are correct about the control issues! I wish I had the perfect answer for you. What does your daughter make of this? I grew up too passive in all sorts of situations. I regret that.

If it were me, I’d refuse to get in the car with him driving. If he always yelled while I was driving, I’d furthemore refuse to drive with him in the car, and we’d always take two cars to go anywhere, and I’d never comment on how he drove the vehicle he was in. Of course that would make him mad, but after several months of that, where we did not argue over the driving thing and things were calm, with more peace between us, then I would try to talk to him at home or somewhere comfortable about what to do about the driving problem. Maybe the two car solution could be permanent.

Would you feel safe doing that? I totally understand if you say you wouldn’t, btw. But, you know, it could be that if you stopped the car problem, that the yelling would switch to some other area of your lives.:frowning:

Someone suggested saying, “hon,” and it was enough for her husband to get back on track, but if I did that, it would get him angry as well.

I know what you mean.


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