Tonight I asked my husband to move out


#1

I wanted to sort out our argument (that we had a week ago) and he just went to his ‘friday night with the boys’, with me trying to ask when we were going to talk. He walked off and ignored me. I felt so heartbroken…
I went to Adoration and prayed for guidance and I just felt an overwhelming feeling of wanting the arguing and the pain to stop. I was praying the rosary, and was trying to fight off the thoughts of him not being at home and the peace we could have.
He throws himself into his work. He is everything to everyone… but me. He can be the most wonderful husband, but mostly he’s not. When I feel hurt by him, he doesn’t care. He doesn’t think that when we argue, we should try to sort it out quickly. He lets it linger for days and weeks and just doesn’t talk to me and/or avoids me by staying out. He plays games and punishes me by ignoring me and being nice to everyone else.
I am not saying I’m a saint, but he has always come first for me. (after God) and I come last to him.
I just feel like I’m someone he takes for granted while he lives like a ‘single man’ in a marriage.
I pray as much as I can and don’t know whether I said the right thing… I don’t know if he’ll leave anyway but I just can’t live like this anymore…
Sorry… just had to tell someone


#2

I would sure try counseling, especially Christian counseling. Even if he won’t go, go by yourself. May I also suggest the book by Dr. Laura Schlesinger, Care and Feeding of Husbands. She has lots of stories of people whose marriages were basically over but were turned around after reading the book and applying the principles.

As a person whose husband wanted a divorce four times, I can tell you not to give up. Pray for guidance and help in this. Even the most horrible marriages can be saved.


#3

wow how did he handle it? It sounds like he’s taking you for granted, maybe this might wake him up. The quality i hate most in people is when they handle an argument by ignoring someone. keep praying.


#4

I would urge you to really think about your reasons behind why you asked him to move it. Did you say it because you truly do want him gone? Or did you say it in the hopes that this would “turn a light on” for him? In my experience, saying something merely for “shock value” is generally not a good idea.

I know you are hurting and frustrated and it is not right for him to put everyone and everything else before you. But, I just urge you to try and remain level-headed throughout this and ask for the strength of God to see you through.

I will keep you in prayer.


#5

“Holy Family–pray for us.”


#6

Are there any children involved here? That would make a big difference in this decision.
If all you have said is true, you are the victim of emotional abandonment. You may indeed need a retreat, and healing. Temporary separation may help you but you will have to deal with the long term eventually. For this you will need counseling.
Prayers 2 U ~~~~~~~


#7

In an earlier post, you mentioned how much time your husband devotes to his job. As a thought, for some people – they are giving 110% to the marriage by giving 110% to the job. With that job, they provide for the family – they do not see it as either job or giving to family/spouse. Is there a chance your DH is cut from that cloth?

Good book I’m reading now – by an Australian Catholic – Matthew Kelly’s “The Seven Levels of Intimacy”. You might try giving it a read…

Praying for you.


#8

Hi jules11 ~ keep in mind the prayer of St. Francis of Assisi:

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy;
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

Also, Saint Elizabeth of Portugal may beg the Lord’s assistance for you if you ask her intercession. She is a patron saint of difficult marriages. St. Monica as well.

catholic-forum.com/SAINTS/sainte07.htm
catholic-forum.com/SAINTS/saintm04.htm

May God Bless you and bring you and your husband peace together.


#9

Wow, Jules. I was kind of surprised to read this. Are you sure you are not doing this suddenly as some sort of an emotional weapon? I mean a separation could be a good idea, but it seems like it should be something you think through, not something you propose on an impulse. I hope you didn’t ask him to move out hoping that would make him realize that he really values you, because frequently that backfires.

I do think you have a lot riding on this marriage. It is your second marriage, and you do have a small baby. From your previous post it sounded like you still had more to think about, more strategies to try to save your marriage. I just hope you are doing the right thing, and I pray that this turns out well for you and for your children. Please know that I am just concerned and not judgmental since I am working on figuring out the right way to leave my husband.


#10

If all of the changes need to be in his behavoir, really, there is nothing you can do. You can only change your own.

My advice is to get the book **Proper care and feeding of Husbands, by Dr. Laura Schleslinger (not sure if I spelled the last name right).

If you are doing nothing wrong, then you can read the book and realize there is nothing you can change in yourself to save this marriage. But if you read it and start to see yourself in it, your might just be able to change things around, quickly. (I do believe in couseling, but sometimes it can take months to find the deeper issues. This book can help cure some of the surface issues as well as deeper ones too, and give counseling the time to work.)

You can only change yourself. Why don’t you take a look at yourself first before giving up on him.

And to be completely honest, I know you will see yourself in that book. One of the biggest mistakes women make in marriages is “talking things out” and insisting it be done when they want it to be done, usually right away. **Men, as less verbal people, frequently need time to gather their thoughts and find the words to express themselves. **

Whoever said things need to be worked out immediately is wrong, and probably a women. While it works for some, for others, to insist on doing it right away just drives a wedge into the communications. It is asking something of them they are not capable of doing. It is wanting your man to be a woman. Most men do not easily or naturally “talk things out” and some find it completely impossible to do it immediately because they don’t even know *what *they are feeling. If possible, they should be worked out before bed. But for some guys, they want to schedule a time to talk about it so they can think it through better.

Dr. Laura has saved many marriages from the personal testimony of many women who felt that exactly they way you do and there guys were treating them badly, just as yours is doing. What you need to realize, is that usually, women can change their behavoirs that were making things worse, (unkowningly), and get a 100% turn around in their guys behavoir.

You can only change your own behavoir. It is worth the time to take a look at your own behavoir with some outside insight into men, since your actions are really the only thing in your power to change.

God Bless,
Maria


#11

Wow, Jules, it must be very hard. Keep praying your rosary, keeping asking for wisdom. I will pray for you!


#12

Sounds like you’re not getting what you expect from marriage. So suffer!

Profound grace can be gained in suffering. Whoever told you that marriage was going to be a bed of roses in the first place? Marriage is HARD. That is why it is a sacrament in the Church…because only through the Sacraments do we receive the grace we need to stay committed to our vows (with spouse and with God). The Church knows that if it weren’t for grace marriages would be doomed from the get go.

I highly recommend taking the focus off what a lousy husband you have and what he’s not giving you and start focusing on what a better spouse you could be to him. What is something that you can do TODAY to be a more loving spouse (even if you don’t feel love for him today)? This attitude will surely require you to swollow your pride and begin to humbly accept the faults in yourself and in your spouse. This will not be easy. Begin by praying for him.

Stop waiting to BE SERVED and start SERVING. This is the message of Jesus. I’m not saying Jesus wants you to be a doormat, but Jesus does want you to be faithful. One of Mother Teresa’s famous quotes is “We are not called to be successful, we are called to be faithful”. I also like to substitute the word “happy” for “successful”.

So, if you’re not happy right now…so be it. Work on it, pray on it, and start to serve the Lord by loving those around you. You may be amazed what happens when you take the focus off yourself and put it on serving Christ. Happiness and joy will usually follow.


#13

[quote=jules11]…He throws himself into his work. He is everything to everyone… but me. He can be the most wonderful husband, but mostly he’s not. When I feel hurt by him, he doesn’t care. He doesn’t think that when we argue, we should try to sort it out quickly. He lets it linger for days and weeks and just doesn’t talk to me and/or avoids me by staying out. He plays games and punishes me by ignoring me and being nice to everyone else.

[/quote]

These are serious problems. It did sound like you needed to do something drastic. There comes a time to draw a line. To say enough is enough. Some things won’t be tolerated.

How you do that is your call. Having a professional to guide you is even better. Consulting a Priest is important as well. But, it is encouraging that you made this step after Adoration and rosary.

So you must do what you must do. I will tell you what i learned about the same behaviors you describe here. I am not a counselor or professional in human psychology. I just have my own unique experience.

I learned my husband is a Narcissist. When that word kept coming up in relation to my husband and his behaviors, I went learned online about it. I learned most about the disorder from Sam Vaknin’s website. I learned so much. It made so much make sense. All the previous years finaly made sense.

It was painful to read because there is no hope of a relationship with a real Narcissist Personality Disorder (NPD). None. People can have the annoying narcissist traits and tendancies (and actually a bit of narcissim is necessary in ALL of us - without it we cannot get along in society), but if you are a full blown NPD, then there is not *any *hope of normal human relationship.

People married to normal, fallible, annoying people won’t understand this. People married to people with genuine disorders will understand it. You cannot be in a relationship with a NPD. They don’t relate. It is like a paralyzed person walking. Outside of a true miracle, it just won’t happen. When i realized this, I kept hoping for that miracle. Until a good lawyer and a good priest told me it was time to give it up. And I knew the miracle would be as rare as a parylzed person walking.

That was my experience. The symptoms you mention (quoted here) were, for my husband, evidence of his disorder. The reason why everyone else was everything to him, and visa versa, is because my husband did not love himeslf, only his reflection of himself, as mirrored by others. A true Narcissst is majorly addicted to “Narcissist Supply” - that mirror image of himself in others.

But the spouse and children of a Narcissit are merely “Secondary Supply”. They are not intersted in that - and therefore not interested in you. They need “Primary Supply” from the world around him.

This explained why everyone - friends, employers, aquanintences, neighbors and the waitress or shopkeep he just met were far more important then me. The were Primary Supply. They had what he was addicted to. For everyone else, he became animated and alive. For me he deadened, and became angry if i spoke. Ignored me.

Living with a Narcissist is very hard on your self esteem. :frowning:

My telling you this at this time is like you having found a lump in your breast and I am telling you about a similar experience I know of, where the lump rapidly became grapefruit size, and after rigourous rounds of chemo and radiation the person died a tortorous death! :eek:

Only a doctor can validate that bad news! And good news is I am not the kind of doctor you need to diagnose if this disorder is present. I am being bold to say “it could be fatal - this is a symptom”. I hesitasted to say this. But I feel obligated to. It seems the right thing to to do - to say this is a symptom consistent with a big, unsolvable problem.

But like a breast lump that turns out to be solved with merely eliminating caffeine, and nothing more, I hope this is a problem a professional can diagnose and find to be something that can be worked out with just some minor, but consistent change, akin to cutting out caffeine. And I pray that the drastic measure you just took of kicking him out will be a wake-up call, and he stops ignoring you and your valid concerns.

I will pray for you!


#14

Well, the first six years of my marriage I felt several times like asking my dh to move out, he seemed so detached sometimes from our marriage. He didn’t go out with the guys but he worked so much and then came home and just seemed in his own little world. I prayed about it and told him how I felt and I said “things will change and we will start to open up and talk, or we will get help” well, things turned around and March 27 we will have been married 13 yrs. No, my marriage is not perfect and we have had some serious arguments and had to walk away from eachother to calm down, we have even not barely talked for 2 days but I love my husband, I want this marriage to work, I am willing to fight for this marriage, I can’t just give up, I have to fight, if its bad, you get help outside from a Catholic therapist or Christian therapist but please, don’t give up so easily, yes, marriage is hard but this is the father of my 4 kids and they deserve for us to work it out.
Please pray about it and consider getting help for your marriage, insist upon it. Your in my prayers :slight_smile:


#15

Well, to shed some light on the situation for all who posted…
I have four children, 16, 15, 13 and 11 to my first husband. My husband has an 11yo son and now we have an almost 5mo baby together.
I was in a terrible marriage the first time (and Eliza, I’m sure what you described of your husband… was my first… to a tee) I spent 6 years being quiet, putting up, offering up, praying for a miracle and crying myself to sleep for years. I actually realised about 3 years after he left me that I hadn’t laughed in about 10 years (thats how long we were together).
I spent 6 years just bringing up my children before I met my husband.
He had a terrible childhood and a very bad experience with his ex also. So I suppose we’re both damaged goods.
He became a catholic just before we were married but has never really ‘owned’ it as such… he says he follows my lead.
We fight a lot… but we can never just have an argument and get over it… it’s always really bad or really good… no inbetween.
I do not want to give up on the marriage but I just want a little bit of peace and time away from the constant turmoil.
I just want him to re-evaluate the situation and decide that the marriage needs work from BOTH sides.
I guess after 10 years of misery, my tolerance is low and I just don’t want to spend ALL of my life in misery.
I am a person that gives my all to someone and I know that I expect the same back. He does give… but only when he feels like it… other times he shuts me out completely. Throws himself into his work and ignores his role as a husband. He is verbally abusive and calls me the most horrible things. He shows me utter comtempt and no respect and I have a 13yo boy that sees how his step-father treats women and I fear will do the same.
He absolutely adores our son but has little to do with him when we are fighting.
We live on a roller coaster and I can see this going on for the rest of our lives if we don’t do something about it now.
At the moment he thinks I’m bluffing, when I’m saying I want him to move out, (he just says he doesn’t care over and over) but I just want us to both step back from the situation and look at it rationally.
I know he can be a good husband but at the moment the bad outweighs the good and it’s not fair for anyone, especially my children to witness this dysfunctional marriage. They’ve had enough to contend with over the years.
I am not wanting the marriage to end… but so many bad things have happened and I’m at the end of my tether. This isn’t over one argument, it’s over 2 1/2 years of pain, mistrust, accusations, his leaving constantly and ignoring me for weeks. I just can’t live like this, especially when I have a little baby to look after.
I am going to confession this afternoon and I hope and pray that I can be a better person and a better wife to him, but at the moment I am just trying to get by.God knows how much I want this marriage… but I’ve learnt from experience, ONE person cannot keep a marriage together.


#16

I am really sorry to hear of your pain. I don’t expect you will like what I have to say here, but here goes anyway…

There is no such thin as a marriage where one spouse is really happy with the marriage and the other is not. Though you say that you give 100% to the marriage and he does not, I fully expect that he feels the same way. The problem is, that the ways you are giving to the marriage are not the ways he feels meet his needs - just as the ways he gives are not what meet your needs.

Bag the separation idea. They simply don’t work. They will put your children through more hell, and will, at best, do nothing to resolve any of your problems. The “peace” you think you will find by being away from the rpoblems and fighting will come at the expense of your children, and will likely be the fatal blow for your marriage.

Here is what I would suggest. First, you tell your husband that you were wrong to ask him to move out, and that though you do not fully see it yet, that you are sorry that you are not making him happy. Tell him you really want to learn how to do that - AND MEAN IT! Then - Retrouvaille, Retrouvaille, Retrouvaille!!! You can try other Catholic counselors, there are some good ones. But generally I have read that traditional marriage counseling works only in about 20% of all cases. Retrouvaille is effective in something like 80% of all cases. AVOID scam artists “marraige recovery” type organizations that are out to suck the last few dollars you have before the divorce attorneys get the rest (If the counselling group is run by an attorney, avoid it like the plague!!!)

Retrouvaille is amazingly effective. And, they will not turn down anyone because of finances, so there is no excuse to not try it. But, both of you need to go in wanting to change for the sake of the other and the family, NOT seeeking to change the other for the sake of yourself!

God bless!


#17

olemammy]I am really sorry to hear of your pain. I don’t expect you will like what I have to say here, but here goes anyway…

There is no such thin as a marriage where one spouse is really happy with the marriage and the other is not. Though you say that you give 100% to the marriage and he does not, I fully expect that he feels the same way. The problem is, that the ways you are giving to the marriage are not the ways he feels meet his needs - just as the ways he gives are not what meet your needs.

Bag the separation idea. They simply don’t work. They will put your children through more hell, and will, at best, do nothing to resolve any of your problems. The “peace” you think you will find by being away from the rpoblems and fighting will come at the expense of your children, and will likely be the fatal blow for your marriage.

Here is what I would suggest. First, you tell your husband that you were wrong to ask him to move out, and that though you do not fully see it yet, that you are sorry that you are not making him happy. Tell him you really want to learn how to do that - AND MEAN IT! Then - Retrouvaille, Retrouvaille, Retrouvaille!!! You can try other Catholic counselors, there are some good ones. But generally I have read that traditional marriage counseling works only in about 20% of all cases. Retrouvaille is effective in something like 80% of all cases. AVOID scam artists “marraige recovery” type organizations that are out to suck the last few dollars you have before the divorce attorneys get the rest (If the counselling group is run by an attorney, avoid it like the plague!!!)

Retrouvaille is amazingly effective. And, they will not turn down anyone because of finances, so there is no excuse to not try it. But, both of you need to go in wanting to change for the sake of the other and the family, NOT seeeking to change the other for the sake of yourself!

God bless!

I appreciate every bit of advice that people have given here. There is nothing that ‘i don’t want to hear’. I’m open to all suggestions and yes, I did as you suggested. I told him I was wrong to ask him to move out. Separation isn’t the answer. The priest I went to confession to that afternoon said that too. At the time it seemed like the only option but days later I realised it was a stupid thing to say. I need to pray for him, this marriage and especially myself… that I can be a better wife. I know that won’t solve all our problems but it will help me, at least I can not feel so many regrets for my own behaviour.
Thankyou to all… it’s great to know that there are people, even those over the other side of the world, who care!!!


#18

I will pray for you. I can’t imagine how difficult this must be for you.
We all have our crosses and I pray that Christ may aleviate your suffering if only for a moment so you can catch your breath.

We are hear if you need to vent.


#19

Hello jules…

I too will be praying for you! I know the pain of divorce, and marrital problems!

I have a question…when you and your husband fight, does it feel familiar…the same as with your first husband? Are you finding yourself reacting and reliving the emotions that you felt in your first marriage? Do you set yourself up to chase your husband(s) trying to get your needs met…is it similar at all?

[quote=jules]I guess after 10 years of misery, my tolerance is low and I just don’t want to spend ALL of my life in misery.
[/quote]

This might be the reason for 60% of second marriages failing…
I think your tolerance is probably low…but I don’t think that ending this marriage would fix anything…because you would eventually meet another person that would relate to you in exactly the same fashion. I see similarities in your first and second marriages…

What I am getting at is this…when we go out into the world and look for a person to start a family with
we look for familiar…folks that remind us of the family that we grew up in. I think that is the reason that we feel so comfortable with certain people. Take me as an example. My mother was an alchoholic as I was gowing up and unobtainable emotionally. I met my first husband, not so coincidently he was unobtainable emotionally…In this way I was trying to “fix” my childhood trauma…it is unconscious…personally…I think it has merit.

Try to remember that it is not up to our spouses to make us happy…that is our own responsibility. I wouldn’t allow him to call you names…especially in front of the children…you need ground rules and that would be the first. But mainly…look at your own patterns of behavior…'cause you can’t fix him…only yourself. You can have peace in your house without kicking him to the curb…when things have gotten heated between me and my H, and arguments are unresolved…I have been known to say…“Hey…let’s put this on the backburner for now…I’m not forgetting…just quiting that for tonight…let’s have a good night with no arguing”…Usually my H is game for that…

Also…you have a fairly new baby…has that messed you up a little in the emotional arena? I had post partum …not fun…and I felt very emotionally needy…I felt unattractive, lonely and tired. Something to think about…

These are all things to ponder over…there might be no merit in it for you…just my own life experiences here


#20

Love and Respect Website

Love and Respect Book

He will read it.

http://loveandrespect.com/images/crazycycle.gif


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