Too much tension at Baptism


#1

We just had our baby baptized and although it was really nice, it could have turned out better. My MIL came and brought her 80 year old boyfriend with her (he’s not Catholic). That may have been o.k. but since we had never met or even seen the man before my husband and I were very uptight, (she never mentioned he was coming). I know we should not have been but if you have read my other posts you could understand why we were. Then to top it all off, she said she didn’t have a camera and her daughter’s was broke. She didn’t even get the baby a baptism gift or card. I know she is not obligated to do so but she did for our other children. She then proceeded to introduce her boyfriend to our children and not even calling them by their real names. She made up her own names for them. She ignored our oldest son and pretended to “really like” our youngest son. (She pretty much ignores both our sons when she comes to our house to visit). I have been married to my husband for ten years and my MIL just keeps getting worse. No matter how many talks we have or how much we try to ignore her. We don’t know what to do anymore. The things she says and does to my husband is unbelievable! Whenever she does come to visit he gets so irritable and sick to his stomach. It’s like he’s meeting someone for the first time. Please pray that things will soon get better. I know she’s not going to change because we want her to, she has to want to change and so far that hasn’t happened. Bless you. P.S. Sorry, but I needed to get that off my shoulders and I don’t have anybody else to talk to about this. Thanks


#2

Hmmm. Is she in full possession of her faculties? Things like giving your children names she makes up make it sound like she is compensating for a memory deficit?

Does your husband have siblings? How does she relate to them?


#3

[quote=mercygate]Hmmm. Is she in full possession of her faculties? Things like giving your children names she makes up make it sound like she is compensating for a memory deficit?

Does your husband have siblings? How does she relate to them?
[/quote]

Well, we think she does that to make us mad. Cause she asked us what we were going to call them for short and we said we are going to call them their by the name we gave them. My husband has one older sister who lives at home and one younger brother who lives with another person, and she treats them like king and queen. It just seems the more good my husband tries to do the more she puts him down. She does not do this to the other two. My MIL also works at our parish and is very involved, so you would think that she would be setting a good christian example, except she is like jekyl and hyde if you know what I mean.


#4

[quote=mercygate]Hmmm. Is she in full possession of her faculties? Things like giving your children names she makes up make it sound like she is compensating for a memory deficit?

Does your husband have siblings? How does she relate to them?
[/quote]

That is my thoughts too! I really am not sensing maticiousness but a fear she is hiding. Has she forgotten other things?


#5

[quote=Stac4Grace]Well, we think she does that to make us mad. Cause she asked us what we were going to call them for short and we said we are going to call them their by the name we gave them. My husband has one older sister who lives at home and one younger brother who lives with another person, and she treats them like king and queen. It just seems the more good my husband tries to do the more she puts him down. She does not do this to the other two. My MIL also works at our parish and is very involved, so you would think that she would be setting a good christian example, except she is like jekyl and hyde if you know what I mean.
[/quote]

Well, this changes things a little. Maybe she is trying to cover up her anger to your hubby and his choice to move away from her and maybe not follow her authority or advise on matters she finds important.

My MIL is this kind of person. Tells me she sometimes forgets that she has a fourth son because he does not come home very often as she gives me the dagger look. We are a Navy family and she resides in the Mid-west, go figure! During one conversation inwhich my hubby professed his love of his home state, my MIL looked at me and said “So why are you keeping him from moving back to where he loves it so?” My hubby laughed at her and said “Do you see any Submarine bases here? I think we have to live near the ocean on since that is where the boats are!”

I am not saying this to comiserate, but to show my point. I think I now remeber some of your later posts about her, wondering if it was the same MIL. :slight_smile:


#6

[quote=kp1]That is my thoughts too! I really am not sensing maticiousness but a fear she is hiding. Has she forgotten other things?
[/quote]

She hasn’t forgotten other thing that we know of. She remembers to go out to eat and to the movies with her friends and with her boyfriend. I guess what my husband and I really want to know is why is she doing these things to us. We are trying to be decent christian people and she continues to make my husband feel like he doesn’t amount to anything. She makes comments about how many kids we have (5), comments about money. Her other two kids are still partying, having pre-marital relations, and do not attend mass at all. We don’t know if this is a control thing or maybe jealousy. We do appreciate your feedback though! Thanks


#7

[quote=kp1]Well, this changes things a little. Maybe she is trying to cover up her anger to your hubby and his choice to move away from her and maybe not follow her authority or advise on matters she finds important.

My MIL is this kind of person. Tells me she sometimes forgets that she has a fourth son because he does not come home very often as she gives me the dagger look. We are a Navy family and she resides in the Mid-west, go figure! During one conversation inwhich my hubby professed his love of his home state, my MIL looked at me and said “So why are you keeping him from moving back to where he loves it so?” My hubby laughed at her and said “Do you see any Submarine bases here? I think we have to live near the ocean on since that is where the boats are!”

I am not saying this to comiserate, but to show my point. I think I now remeber some of your later posts about her, wondering if it was the same MIL. :slight_smile:
[/quote]

You guessed it, same MIL. We only live about 12 blocks away from her but you would think it was 12 hours. She told us before that she wasn’t going to be like her MIL and that our kids were going to know their grandma. Well, she is just like her MIL and the kids don’t hardly know her. We told her she can see the kids whenever she wants to but she always has other things to do. My husband thinks that something happened when he was younger but he’s not sure what. She told him when he was younger that he was a quitter. He turned out to be the better of her three kids. He doesn’t know why she would want to treat him this way when all he’s ever done is for the good.


#8

If you read some of my threads, you would know that I have (or make that HAD) a bad relationship with my IL. That is over now, because my husband has told them if they can’t respect us as adults in our home he wants no part of a life with them. We really couldn’t be happier now. He made his final decision after MIL sent us a 56 page letter telling us what she thought of us!! My advice to you…live your life, ignore the woman, and do what you have to do with your children. She had her turn to be mama…now is yours!!! :thumbsup:

P.S - All of our drama started because …there was too much tension at our son’s baptism in May! Go figure. Must be something about baptisms!! :o


#9

Well, I’m really glad that we decided *not * to invite my in-laws to our son’s baptism! Stac4grace, sounds like you got lucky–you wouldn’t want a person like that hanging around all the time, would you? Your kids are much better off not knowing a grandma than truly knowing one like her, from the sounds of things. I know it’s hard, but “offer it up” and look at it as an opportunity to practice the virtues of patience, charity, and probably quite a few others :smiley:


#10

Thanks to all of you for your replies. We would rather she just leave us alone but we tried that about five years ago and she threatened to take us to court for granparents rights. We really don’t want our children to be around the kinds of things that go on with them. As of right now if she wants to see the kids she can call us when she’s not busy and come to our house. It’s amazing how many people don’t see her for what she really is. We will continue to pray and hopefully my husband will get the strength he needs to be able to tell her what she has done to his self esteem, confidence, and his emotional state. What a shame!


#11

[quote=stayathomemom]MIL sent us a 56 page letter telling us what she thought of us!!
[/quote]

:bigyikes:


#12

Unless things have changed fairly recently, grandparents cannot sue for visition unless the parents are not married or one is deceased. I fairly certain that is still the law in Ohio


#13

[/quote]

I know, she’s NUTS!!! And her family doesn’t see it…(with the exception of my husband :slight_smile: )


#14

I have a friend who is 78 years old. I’ve known her for about 6 years. In this past year or so I’ve seen her undergo a personality change that I believe is due to her age. It’s not that she’s forgetful, it’s that she’s just kind of nasty to people. I’m wondering if your MIL isn’t the same way.

I don’t think she can sue for grandparent’s rights. I’m sorry you had to go through what you did. I hope you can find a resolution you’re comfortable with.


#15

[quote=Stac4Grace]Thanks to all of you for your replies. We would rather she just leave us alone but we tried that about five years ago and she threatened to take us to court for granparents rights. We really don’t want our children to be around the kinds of things that go on with them. As of right now if she wants to see the kids she can call us when she’s not busy and come to our house. It’s amazing how many people don’t see her for what she really is. We will continue to pray and hopefully my husband will get the strength he needs to be able to tell her what she has done to his self esteem, confidence, and his emotional state. What a shame!
[/quote]

:eek: I can’t believe that she would threaten to take you to court!!! I’d check into what other posters have said—that she couldn’t sue you for grandparent rights. Stac, you know I have a similar situation. In fact, I just had to spend a gut wrenching evening with my mother recently. Same type of stuff—she didn’t bring her boyfriend this time, though. Do your children enjoy seeing your MIL? To me, that’s a make or break deal right there. If the kids don’t enjoy being with her, or some of the older ones are starting to get hurt feelings, etc., I think to just ignore her and not invite her to things may be the answer. If she finds out about an event and inquires as to whether she may come—sure, invite her. I wouldn’t go out of your way, though. If the kids like her to come, and ask her to come to special functions, then I would invite her and try to put up with her garbage–as someone else said “offer it up”. Certainly do not call her and invite her to dinner or out shopping with you. Only to special functions that most people would bring a gma to. BTW, is there any other family in your area that you could also invite to things—just to take the heat off? I find that if I’m alone with mother, it’s so much worse. If another sibling or family member is around, it’s better.


#16

My daughter is currently dealing with the same stuff you are with your MIL. Her MIL, made a big fuss over a Baptism Party (although she doesn’t believe in God) to show off to her friends and dictated who from our family she “permitted” to attend both the party and get this one…she tried to say who can come to the Baptism, even though it’s my Parish. (we ignored her and attended) anyway, each time my daughter became pregnant, she would “demand” an abortion. Call her a "Little (crude word for Hispanics) Catholic Breeding machine. The woman is cruel. How she can even look these 3 children in the eye and wanted all of them killed at one time is beyond words. Her only child, my son-in-law is like a beaten rag when it comes to mommy dearest. He is a strong man of 30 years old otherwise, but the mental abuse he suffered at her hands lingers to today. I told my daughter and she is finally listening;) and now you, you have to stand your ground, take that risk, otherwise you will have to become a doormat for her as long as you both live. Another point, My grandson seeing his mommy not standing up for herself and allowing MIL to talk to her and about her, he would hear this stuff and started to treat my DD with disrespect, It was a wake up call for her and her husband. When my grandson call his mommy a “Spic whore” she knew where it came from, lashed into her, she denied it:rolleyes: of course.


#17

Be thankful that she brought a boyfriend instead of a girlfriend like my MIL!


#18

[quote=Stac4Grace]She hasn’t forgotten other thing that we know of. She remembers to go out to eat and to the movies with her friends and with her boyfriend. I guess what my husband and I really want to know is why is she doing these things to us. We are trying to be decent christian people and she continues to make my husband feel like he doesn’t amount to anything. She makes comments about how many kids we have (5), comments about money. Her other two kids are still partying, having pre-marital relations, and do not attend mass at all. We don’t know if this is a control thing or maybe jealousy. We do appreciate your feedback though! Thanks
[/quote]

You answered your own question.

She feels better about herself, that she’s an “ok” christian, b/c she is “better” than her other kids. You guys make her feel “bad” about her brand of christianity, and so she resents you, and lashes out.

Have some of this going on in my own extended family.


#19

DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.