I feel like I’ve been slapped in the face. I am totally bewildered.
I went to confession today with my usual confessor. I was trembling at the thought of having to confess my sexual sins to him, and when I entered the confessional it was really hard to confess and I felt so unsure about everything. I confessed my sexual sin, my failure to pray, or to live as a Christian.
And so, in response, my confessor said that “some people are addicted not so much to the sin, but to the drama of it.” He then pointed out how these “some people” have heavy breathing, crying, etc. During my confession I was breathing heavily, because it was a hard confession. And then it’s like he just tore me apart. He implied I was “putting on a show” that God could see through. He said that I am playing with God by my actions, and that God sees through that. He noted my failure to seek God, and he said that the obvious result of that is sin…and per his words “wallowing in sin.”
His main point was that I need to get off the fence. If I wanted to leave Christianity…fine, so be it. But if I wanted to be a Christian it meant total dedication “to the shedding of blood.” IOW, get off the fence.
I was submissive and just said: “Yes, Father.”
I think I was still in a state of semi-shock as I received absolution. And when I got back to my pew I just sat there. I did my penance, and I promised Christ I would serve Him totally…but right now, I feel truly dead inside, like my whole world just got shattered (again).
There is an aspect of the drama of sin that compels me. I will admit that. I did enjoy that moment when Christ came to get me after my apostasy. I share my struggles on the forums, and I can admit this is probably out of a desire for attention or a cry for help.
But my confessor’s words made totally doubt everything in my Christian life. I mean, it makes me wonder if all of the past two years were just a drama I was playing. All the emotional moments, first Communion, Confirmation, all the burden-lifting confessions, etc. what if they were all just me playing with God?
I admit to you that I feel stiring of anger against my confessor, but I try to beat those down or put them out of my mind. I feel sick and ashamed.
As I left the pew (which I sat in for about an hour just in shock), when I bowed to genuflect, I felt no desire whatsoever to honor God. I just half-hazardly made the Signum Crucis and genuflected and started my way out. When I got home, I saw the Rosary tied around my hand, and with a feeling of disgust, I tore it from my wrist and stuffed it in my pocket.
I don’t think I have said but two words audibly since today’s confession.
Honestly, I feel like just saying: “Well, if it was all just a ‘game’, why not just go somewhere else.” I actually thought about just giving up (again) and going East into Orthodoxy.
I feel stiring of actual hate towards my confessor, and that scares me becuase hate is a mortal sin…that knowledge leads me into a feeling of hopelessness.
You know, it’s almost funny, I kept telling myself “It is Jesus to whom you are confessing” in order to calm myself down, and I feel like my Merciful Heavenly Father just slapped me in the face saying: “Shape up, or ship out!”
I don’t know whether to think that my confessor really was relating to me the words of Jesus, or what. I must admit, there is a part of me that does delight in the emotional drama of sin, but…well, I really don’t know.
I mean, was what I experienced today the real Jesus? Were the past powerful incidents of my “encounters” with Him nothing more than an emotional drama role-playing?
Honestly, brethren, if the Jesus I faced today in the Liturgy of Confession is the real Jesus, then I am not as certain that I want to serve Him. I know that sound stupid and childish, but I do feel it.
I just want to drug myself and sleep away the rest of the day. I know that’s self-abuse, but that’s how I feel. I just want to run away and hide like a little embarrased kid.
And you know, if what I am doing now is “wallowing in sin and self-pity”, well then maybe I like self-pity.
I used to think that I might be destined to become another Tertullian, now it looks pretty close, IMO.
God Help me! God Forgive Me!