Dear Brother in Christ,
I am not in a religious community but I have been around the various christian denominations, churches etc. The fact I am a christian is a miracle. I am wondering if you are needing to take a break and spend some time in reflection and prayer.
I joined the Catholic church a few of years ago and after a few years, I had to take a break. (Long story that I will not get into on a public form but if you message me I will explain) I have learned that when we step away, it gives us time rediscover where is God leading, reaffirm some things and also re-energize our spirits, our minds and our bodies. It was just last night when I spoke to the minister from my church who said that it is normal for us to take a break. Breaks are important. It seems as if you have gone through alot and you are needing some time to regroup and reenergize.
I am wondering if it would not be beneficial if you did not renew your vows this summer and took some time off. I get the sense that you have a heavy heart and you are tired of the community dynamics. If you continue without a break, you will become overtired and it will become impossible to serve God to the fullest.
After a while, perhaps a few weeks, months or even a year, God will guide you on the duration, (if it is God’s will), you can always return to your present order or try another place. Sometimes it is absence from a situation when God will do his best work. Who knows, maybe God will open the doors to another vocation or simply a different order or a different diocese. Let’s face it, the world needs people to serve God in their communities and the possibilities are infinite.
I believe God is calling you to something great and although it is normal to face adversity, it is equally important to give our minds and bodies a break from it as well.
If I can help you in anyway, please message me,