Traveling with Fiance


#1

Hey guys it's been a while. I'm kind if in a tough situation and need some advice. I'm getting married soon and my fiance is all the way out in the midwest (I'm in New England) and I'm flying out in about a month to move him back this way.

We're driving back here and it's about a 29 hour trip. He booked us a room (we have to stop) and it's non refundable, and I can't afford to book a second one. We're both Catholic and trying to wait till marriage for sex (although it's getting more difficult, we've been pretty successful setting our boundaries). I can see why he didn't think twice about it since we have traveled before or he's visited my family here, and we've ended up sleeping in the same room at times.

I told him I feel a little guilty about it, and he understands but insists we'll be too tired for anything to happen anyway.

I just don't know what to do if anything at all. He spent some hard earned money on it and he was trying to be sweet. I honestly don't think anything will happen. We won't know anyone. I don't know, what do you think? :shrug:

Thanks and God bless.


#2

Well, it's the classic "giving scandal" argument. Even if nothing happens, and we all should have full faith in you and your boyfriend that nothing will-many people will THINK that it could happen.

If there is no other option, then it might be the only choice....


#3

I wouldn't do the same room, but I understand you feel stuck with it. So, ask the hotel for a room with 2 double beds.

And use a lot of willpower as well as keeping Jesus right between yourselves!


#4

He can sleep on the floor or they will give you a cot-type-thing. Its not so bad, I have had to do that in the past, even if it does bring scandal to some all you can do is the best you can do. If someone is that desperate to find scandal they will find it in you sleeping in the same hotel room but on different beds or spending THAT long alone in a car (obviously you wouldnt have the strength of will to restrain yourselves from pulling over and.... you know).

Just do the best you can and allow God to handle the rest.

But whatever you do, DONT sleep in the same bed. My priest once told me that maintaining chastity is not simply not having intercourse. Remember the act of contrition where you pray that you will avoid whatever leads you to sin. By avoiding it as best you can (separate sleeping arrangements) you are doing that. Sleeping in the same bed, when the floor is right there and you have spare blankets and pillows anyway, is not even trying to avoid the near occasion of sin.

But that is just my opinion.


#5

Your fiance doesn't seem too worried about your dignity. :eek:

Your "guilty" feeling might be a red flag...
I would highly suggest that his BEST MAN, do the traveling with him since you can't afford a 2nd room.

I did the same thing once. although we weren't even dating..just a friend and we went snowboarding and were trying to save money... next to our room or close to it was a couple ..IT DOESN'T look good. no matter what.

before the wedding Pink with Pink and Blue with Blue

Purple after the wedding awesome!

His best man should help him out if He can't afford a second room for you.


#6

Thanks. I assumed one of us would sleep on the floor/couch/separate bed or I just would stay up while he slept, since he'll be driving (I don't know why the thought of doing that makes me feel better about it, but it does a little.) I would never say he wasn't worried about my dignity. He's a very sweet, loving, good man, and I don't question his intentions at all. He is fairly new to the faith as well, and we're coming at the situation from totally different backgrounds. I've just had trouble today not obsessing over it. It's a month away and I'm sure we'll figure something out; do you think I'm in mortal sin right now because of this? That may be a dumb question.


#7

It might be worth adding (or not) that no one really knows about this trip, except parents, so it's not like we will have all of our friends and family at home thinking "Wow, those two are sharing a hotel room." I'm going out to see his family and watch him graduate college, and then we were planning to just turn off our phones for the trip and "get there when we get there". (Use the trip for some quality time, you know, since we'll both be working more than full time immediately after.) I don't know if that changes anything in terms of scandal. Totally understand the occasion for sin though. That's what I'm nervous about, not sinning but being in a position to... when I go to confession this weekend will it be invalid or anything if I'm planning on doing this?


#8

[quote="morgandonovan, post:6, topic:234489"]
Thanks. I assumed one of us would sleep on the floor/couch/separate bed or I just would stay up while he slept, since he'll be driving (I don't know why the thought of doing that makes me feel better about it, but it does a little.) I would never say he wasn't worried about my dignity. He's a very sweet, loving, good man, and I don't question his intentions at all. He is fairly new to the faith as well, and we're coming at the situation from totally different backgrounds. I've just had trouble today not obsessing over it. It's a month away and I'm sure we'll figure something out; do you think I'm in mortal sin right now because of this? That may be a dumb question.

[/quote]

Thinking about it is NOT A MORTAL SIN!

And even if it WAS, we wouldn't have the authority to tell you on a message board.


#9

Let's not slam the guy's honor just yet, folks.

My husband and I were many miles from home on our first date (driving back) and slid on some black ice on the interstate, totaling my car (leaving us unhurt, though, thanks to seatbelts). As it was after midnight, we didn't want to call anybody to come get us, so we got a motel room within walking distance of the wreck after the state patrol had my car towed into town. We pooled all them money we had on us and came up with enough for one room and one value meal at the nearby fast food restaurant the next day, which we shared.

We got two beds. I was already in love with him and he with me (we were friends for 5 years before that first date and had worked side-by-side in youth ministry together). The fireworks were ready to go off, but my husband-to-be was the perfect gentleman and did everything he could to protect my modesty.

Scandalous? You bet. That's why we didn't tell anybody! Even when his parents came to pick us up, they didn't ask how many rooms we had rented for the night, and we didn't offer.

I do absolutely love the previously made suggestion that his best man make this trip instead of you. If that's impossible, then keep your mouths shut so that nobody but the motel desk clerk knows that you shared a room. That way, you reduce the scandal and the temptation to gossip that others might face.


#10

[quote="Sparki777, post:9, topic:234489"]
Let's not slam the guy's honor just yet, folks.

My husband and I were many miles from home on our first date (driving back) and slid on some black ice on the interstate, totaling my car (leaving us unhurt, though, thanks to seatbelts). As it was after midnight, we didn't want to call anybody to come get us, so we got a motel room within walking distance of the wreck after the state patrol had my car towed into town. We pooled all them money we had on us and came up with enough for one room and one value meal at the nearby fast food restaurant the next day, which we shared.

We got two beds. I was already in love with him and he with me (we were friends for 5 years before that first date and had worked side-by-side in youth ministry together). The fireworks were ready to go off, but my husband-to-be was the perfect gentleman and did everything he could to protect my modesty.

Scandalous? You bet. That's why we didn't tell anybody! Even when his parents came to pick us up, they didn't ask how many rooms we had rented for the night, and we didn't offer.

I do absolutely love the previously made suggestion that his best man make this trip instead of you. If that's impossible, then keep your mouths shut so that nobody but the motel desk clerk knows that you shared a room. That way, you reduce the scandal and the temptation to gossip that others might face.

[/quote]

Thanks for posting this. So many people seem eager to jump to conclusions and are quick to slam someones honor without even knowingt someone.

Kudos to you ma'am!


#11

MorganDonovon: How well do you know him?Trust him? Trust yourself?I would say if you aren't able to say very well you better either get a separate room or sleep on a mattress on the floor with your clothes on.


#12

[quote="valentino, post:11, topic:234489"]
MorganDonovon: How well do you know him?Trust him? Trust yourself?I would say if you aren't able to say very well you better either get a separate room or sleep on a mattress on the floor with your clothes on.

[/quote]

Well I *am * marrying him, after all.


#13

Watch plenty of action-packed TV and movies on the motel pay-per-view to avoid thinking about "things." Go out to eat, stay busy, play cards, cold shower, you name it! :p:)

I think it's awesome that you have such a strong conscience and that you care what the Lord thinks about this. Your patience, love for Christ, and the mutual respect you and your fiancee have will all pay off. God bless you both! :thumbsup:


#14

It might be worth adding (or not) that no one really knows about this trip, except parents, so it's not like we will have all of our friends and family at home thinking "Wow, those two are sharing a hotel room." I'm going out to see his family and watch him graduate college, and then we were planning to just turn off our phones for the trip and "get there when we get there". (Use the trip for some quality time, you know, since we'll both be working more than full time immediately after.) I don't know if that changes anything in terms of scandal. Totally understand the occasion for sin though. That's what I'm nervous about, not sinning but being in a position to... when I go to confession this weekend will it be invalid or anything if I'm planning on doing this?

Lol, one room or not, it's DEFINATLY going to cause scandal when you turn your phones off.

I would talk to a priest who knows you well. He may offer you some guidance. It is DEFINATLY not idea, but not being ideal and sinning are two different things.

Moving is certinally stressful enough. I've moved many times and I never had enough energy to lift my arms....nevermind anything else...though I didn't have a boyfriend traveling with me, either.

It does "give scandal" however, I've been accused of "giving scandal" when I was at my friend's apt until after midnight. He's 20 years my senior and we were talking and praying, he works second shift so he does better later in the day....he's more like a big brother or even a dad. But many people would deny me that friendship becuase it "looks" scandalous. You can't live your life based on what other people think.

Read the story about the boy, the donkey and the old man.

And talk to a priest who knows you well. If he tells you "no" then be obedient. If he tells you "yes" then do it, even if everone on this board tells you it's a bad idea.


#15

[quote="morgandonovan, post:6, topic:234489"]
do you think I'm in mortal sin right now because of this? That may be a dumb question.

[/quote]

It's never dumb to be concerned about the state of your soul, it shows that you take it seriously, which is a good thing!

I doubt you are in mortal sin as this situation was clearly not brought on by full knowledge / consent on your end.


#16

[quote="purplesunshine, post:14, topic:234489"]
Lol, one room or not, it's DEFINATLY going to cause scandal when you turn your phones off.

[/quote]

Ha, well yeah I get that. But I just mean, no one is even going to know I'm gone let alone traveling across the eastern US with my betrothed. I just meant to say it's kind of a low-key private kind of thing that we decided not to mention to anyone. Break from school/work and wedding craziness. Our parents know about it, and they know us, and that's all.


#17

I wouldn't make it that simple, though, sunshine. One of the priests at our parish regularly tells parishoners that pre-marital sex is not a big deal. I know plenty of people who were told that by him. He told me that contraception is fine. He is also famous for saying that masturbation and pornography are not something someone should come to confession for regularly either. So getting just one priest's advice isn't a guarantee of being told the "right" thing either? I'm not trying to be cynical but it really depends on the priest!

[quote="purplesunshine, post:14, topic:234489"]
Lol, one room or not, it's DEFINATLY going to cause scandal when you turn your phones off.

I would talk to a priest who knows you well. He may offer you some guidance. It is DEFINATLY not idea, but not being ideal and sinning are two different things.

Moving is certinally stressful enough. I've moved many times and I never had enough energy to lift my arms....nevermind anything else...though I didn't have a boyfriend traveling with me, either.

It does "give scandal" however, I've been accused of "giving scandal" when I was at my friend's apt until after midnight. He's 20 years my senior and we were talking and praying, he works second shift so he does better later in the day....he's more like a big brother or even a dad. But many people would deny me that friendship becuase it "looks" scandalous. You can't live your life based on what other people think.

Read the story about the boy, the donkey and the old man.

And talk to a priest who knows you well. If he tells you "no" then be obedient. If he tells you "yes" then do it, even if everone on this board tells you it's a bad idea.

[/quote]


#18

[quote="gurneyhalleck1, post:17, topic:234489"]
I wouldn't make it that simple, though, sunshine. One of the priests at our parish regularly tells parishoners that pre-marital sex is not a big deal. I know plenty of people who were told that by him. He told me that contraception is fine. He is also famous for saying that masturbation and pornography are not something someone should come to confession for regularly either. So getting just one priest's advice isn't a guarantee of being told the "right" thing either? I'm not trying to be cynical but it really depends on the priest!

[/quote]

:bigyikes::bigyikes::bigyikes:

Who reported him to the Bishop????


#19

I have no idea…


#20

[quote="gurneyhalleck1, post:17, topic:234489"]
I wouldn't make it that simple, though, sunshine. One of the priests at our parish regularly tells parishoners that pre-marital sex is not a big deal. I know plenty of people who were told that by him. He told me that contraception is fine. He is also famous for saying that masturbation and pornography are not something someone should come to confession for regularly either. So getting just one priest's advice isn't a guarantee of being told the "right" thing either? I'm not trying to be cynical but it really depends on the priest!

[/quote]

Yes, it does depend on the priest, however, priests are better than random internet strangers. Even if the OP was to go to such a priest she would still SPIRTUALLY be safer than to comming to a forum. (Because the priests are responsible for spirtually giding thier flock, a gift from God we don't posess.)

However, we can certinally pray that the OP is wise enough to seek council from a good priest.


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