Trouble saying "I love you"


#1

OK, I have trouble saying the 3 magical words, "I love you." In fact, I've never said it to any girl. The last girl I dated, I don't think I even said "I like you" to her. The first time I expressed "feelings" was when she broke up with me. Do women really need to hear those words? I thought my actions spoke for themselves.

Also, what does that say about me, the fact I've never uttered those words to a woman I dated? Does that signal that I'm commitment-phobic? Personally, I don't think so, because I have no problem making a commitment. Maybe it's because I don't want to make myself vulnerable? And before I start giving off the impression again that I sound like a girl, any advice/suggestions would be appreciated. Thank you.


#2

For what little it's worth, I don't say it to someone face-to-face unless I really, really, head over heels love them. I don't even say it to my niece/nephew and family. Yes, I'm sure I've said it before to them, but it's not common on my part. My last girlfriend hated it because I virtually never said it to her.

I openly admit I'm commitmentphobic. You may be as well.

Actions speak louder than words, true-but I think women need to hear it said more then men do.


#3

[quote="BadTurkey, post:1, topic:224707"]
Do women really need to hear those words?

[/quote]

Some do. Some don't.

Ever see "Fiddler on the Roof"?

I am paraphrasing, but there is a scene in which Tevia is asked by Golda, his wife of many years, if he loves her. He said he told her once that he did, and if anything changed, he'd let her know.

I hear my son telling his friends who are girls that he loves them. They, in turn, tell him that they also love him. They post this on each other's Facebook pages, and text it to each other as well. It is very sweet, but they are all just friends - not in a dating relationship.


#4

[quote="Rascalking, post:2, topic:224707"]
For what little it's worth, I don't say it to someone face-to-face unless I really, really, head over heels love them.

[/quote]

Ditto.

[quote="Rascalking, post:2, topic:224707"]
I openly admit I'm commitmentphobic. You may be as well.

[/quote]

Gosh, I hope not.

[quote="Rascalking, post:2, topic:224707"]
Actions speak louder than words, true-but I think women need to hear it said more then men do.

[/quote]

Yea, I think you're right.

Is there a cure?


#5

[quote="BadTurkey, post:4, topic:224707"]

Is there a cure?

[/quote]

Open yourself up. Realize that your going to be hurt in life. It's unavoidable. Don't cheapen the words. Say it only if your really, really into the girl.

And if your afraid of commitment, then either accept it as part of who you are and move on (I did) or spend thousands of dollars in therapy and ask a therapist why your like this.


#6

[quote="Rascalking, post:2, topic:224707"]
I don't say it to someone face-to-face unless I really, really, head over heels love them. .

[/quote]

And that is exactly why I need to hear it. I want to know I am in the categore really really head in over heels in love with.

As for action speaking louder than words. My mom doesn't need to hear it from my dad. Which is good because in over 50 years of marriage she problably hasn't:) And she is always saying, I know he loves me, he drove me to the store today so I could buy what I needed. Personally I think it is so he doesn't have to let her drive his car which she hasn't done in over 45 years and it is for the better of society that my mom does not get behind the wheel. But I digress

I think it all depends on the women but most do want to hear it. And yes, for a lot it is an insecurity thing if they need to hear it all the time

CM


#7

I remember hearing at my grandfather's funeral during the eulogy that my uncle had never in his some 50+ years been told by his father that he loved him. Apparently, he told my dad ONCE that he loved him.

I personally think never hearing that was one of the most damaging things in their lives.

There are easily women that don't need to hear I love you... I suspect they are hurting somehow. They probably wouldn't know what to do with those words. And it makes me wonder what they offer their loved ones.

For example, a man that can't say I love you... Has he ever heard it himself? From his mother? His father? Does he even know what love looks like. Will he be able to teach his sons to love. His daughters to accept love?

There is only one man in my life that can look into my eyes, say I love you and make me melt. JUST ONE. My male friends can say "love you", and I know it means they care. My family, men and women say love you, before we hang up on the phone... we care. my Best friend and i sign off with I love you's in e-mails and letters... well, we're best friends, she has rank next to DH;) DH's best friend always rings off with a Love you guys!

If he never said I love you... there would be a hole in my heart. If he died on the way to work, and we didn't say I love you to each just before, I'd be sick over it. Yes, some women need this. But only if and when it's real. I couldn't care less about an I love you from any other man.

And so perhaps you can't pull yourself to say it... because you don't mean it. And that's fine. It should be genuinely true!


#8

That’s the hard part.


#9

[quote="BadTurkey, post:8, topic:224707"]
That's the hard part.

[/quote]

Yes, it is.


#10

[quote="faithfully, post:7, topic:224707"]

If he never said I love you... there would be a hole in my heart. If he died on the way to work, and we didn't say I love you to each just before, I'd be sick over it. Yes, some women need this. But only if and when it's real. I couldn't care less about an I love you from any other man.

And so perhaps you can't pull yourself to say it... because you don't mean it. And that's fine. It should be genuinely true!

[/quote]

This is exactly how I feel. I make sure to tell my boyfriend I love him as much as I can. Everytime I leave to go somewhere or do something. The world is so unpredictable, that you never know when it's your time to leave it. If I lost him while he was on his way to work and I didn't get a text from him as I do every morning, I'm not sure I could stand it. It would be so hard knowing I didn't get one last I love you from him.


#11

I’m curious. Who usually says “I love you” first, the guy or the girl?


#12

[quote="BadTurkey, post:11, topic:224707"]
I'm curious. Who usually says "I love you" first, the guy or the girl?

[/quote]

I've had two serious relationships. In the first, he said it first. In my current relationship, I said it first, but ONLY after he made it clear that he wanted to hear it. Otherwise I wouldn't have. Also, I waited over a year to say it.


#13

I don’t blame you. I avoid saying “I love you” as much as possible because I rarely ever mean it to the people who tend to say it to me. When I say it it never truly sounds right because I guess I don’t have any friends I can say that I love. I even have trouble saying it to my father. (I don’t mean it because I don’t care, sadly)

My advice to you is don’t bother saying I love you if you don’t mean it. It doesn’t help much.

Sorry, I’m kind of useless on this topic.


#14

[quote="BadTurkey, post:11, topic:224707"]
I'm curious. Who usually says "I love you" first, the guy or the girl?

[/quote]

My boyfriend didn't say the actual words first, but he told me that he felt very strongly about me. He was afraid that telling me he loved me so quickly into our relationship would run me off. I told him that I wasn't quite ready to say it, but the fact that he felt that way made me very happy. It didn't take me long to realise that I felt the same way about him. I told him and he was worried he was rushing me into it. I told him he couldn't make me do anything I didn't want to do, I just don't have that type of personality. In the end, I was leaving his house one night and as we stood outside (both really nervous) we told eachother we loved the other. I felt so amazing afterward, and I get the same feeling everytime I say it or he says it to me.


#15

It’s been almost 25 years. I couldn’t remember. DH quickly answers that I said it first!


#16

Only say it if you feel it, brother.


#17

I'm hoping he says it first.

I'm close to saying it, because it keeps trying to pop out, and I've said it often enough to his back when he's leaving and can't hear it.

If I do tell him, it will be accompanied by "don't say it back unless you mean it". The only time previous that a guy told me, I couldn't lie and say it back, and I'd rather no one ever lied to me.

It's a scary place to go if we do mean it though. Wonderful, but scary.

Originally Posted by Rascalking

I don't say it to someone face-to-face unless I really, really, head over heels love them. .

I like this.


#18

[quote="Rascalking, post:2, topic:224707"]
For what little it's worth, I don't say it to someone face-to-face unless I really, really, head over heels love them. I don't even say it to my niece/nephew and family. Yes, I'm sure I've said it before to them, but it's not common on my part. My last girlfriend hated it because I virtually never said it to her.

I openly admit I'm commitmentphobic. You may be as well.

Actions speak louder than words, true-but I think women need to hear it said more then men do.

[/quote]

These words are not used anyway frequently enough. Every call with my family ends with these words, they do mean something. Now of course you can't use them lightly with you SO or Wife/Husband, but if appropriate should be used.

Bottom line use them when you mean them.


#19

[quote="Onedayatatime, post:18, topic:224707"]
These words are not used anyway frequently enough. Every call with my family ends with these words, they do mean something. Now of course you can't use them lightly with you SO or Wife/Husband, but if appropriate should be used.

Bottom line use them when you mean them.

[/quote]

But the more you say it, doesn't it cheapen it?


#20

I am going to address a number of posts here but not going to quote them because it would get messy and my comments would overlap.

To the OP, I was the same way until the right woman came along. She is the only woman I have really said “I love you” to and I am marrying her in less than a month. I tell her every time I see her and talk to her and sometimes at random when we are hanging out or driving somewhere. Saying it all the time does not cheapen it. I was worried that it would, but I mean it every bit as much as the first time I said it.

Even after I knew I loved her I had a hard time saying it. After I actually said it the first time, it became easy. She had wanted to say it for a while before I did, but felt that it was the guy’s responsibility to make the first move (we are pretty traditional). In the end, I am glad she waited for me to go first… though at the time I would have loved for her to go first.


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