I’m referring to Same Sex Attraction.
About a month ago I got confirmed and it was pretty awesome. But increasingly as confirmation came I constantly thought about vocations and I still am, and I read about all these SSA posts saying that they should remain celibate. I do however have trouble understanding what it truly is because I don’t think I have this state of mind, but then my mind switches gears to believing I do. I think its more of a mind playing game. It’s because I’ve really felt a strong call to maybe even a priest and have had many visual signs and I keep praying to God what my vocation could be and i feel still called in the same direction and I have a feeling that I’m just completely overreacting to this situations.
I think it started in 7th grade when I found same sex videos and pictures on the internet. I think that was like only a couple of nights though. I thought that was really weird though now that I think back to it. I actually was talking to this girl I really liked and I almost asked her out but I didn’t because I chickened out because this other guys was talking to her! I think that’s what started the quick sexual thoughts, but I’ll tell you more about that later. Through middle school I never liked guys. I actually really liked 3 or 4 girls through this time. Now skip to freshman year.
I started looking more at regular videos and images and then I started to look at same sex videos and images. The thing is I would be disgusted afterwards. I don’t know what that meant but I really don’t really count on it meaning anything. This lasted on and off til the tenth grade. We went on homecoming with this girl I really liked and I also had my faith retreat which opened my life to less bad things (i.e. drinking). After march I stopped looking at these things because it was like once a month after freshman year and I knew God didn’t want me doing these things. The thing is though, I’m totally fine. Still no attraction at all to men.
The thing that bothers me though is that I keep having to fight off the same sex and regular images from when I did do these things but it’s not because I like them, it’s because of like a compulsive disorder from them. I think, OK let’s not think about this but then I do. Although it’s much less frequent now, its still now and then.
I also thought it was weird that the people were talking about how like they have temptations from resisting these attractions and that’s definitely not me. I have certain weird moments where certain situations remind of these videos I watched but then I just look it as normal and then it goes away, for good basically.
I’m sorry this is kind of long but my question is… Does it seem like that I have SSA? I really can’t tell.