ok hope im doing this right. need advice and need it fast. my daughter is 24 been dating this guy seriously for 5 months. now she with him all the time.if shes not working shes at his house. i told her this is going to change she comes home at all hours in the morning. she can see him a couple times a week if he picks her up and is home at a reasonable time. no more everyday. if so then maybe she should get married shes living like it anyway. so she didnt talk to me for 2 days. i told her my rules or out. she knows how i feel about living together. well yesterday she left and is with him. how should i react to her now. if i talk to her she will think all is well. do i just ignore her for awhile.
If she’s 24, I don’t know if you really have much say in this… :shrug:
You gave her an ultimatum and she called you on it. If you weren’t prepared to live with the consequences, you shouldn’t have given it to her. She’s 24 and needs to live her own life. She’s no longer a child.
And just because she isn’t living the life you wished, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t talk to her. We all have people in our family that do wrong, but that doesn’t mean we should just toss them over because they’re not living the life we wished they were. Everyone deserves grace and support.
She knows how you feel about the situation, so repeating yourself will do no good and will only further alienate the two of you. Let her know you love her and then let it go.
Reflect on the Gospel from Sunday - in all cases, the person lost something of value.
Praying for you!
I think you can set rules since she is living at your house about what you expect as far as contributing to the household such as helping with housework, contibuting financially to the bills etc. Even expecting her home by a reasonable hour (or a phone call) out of respect wouldn’t be an unreasonable request since it is your home. But she is 24 and I don’t think it is at all reasonable to tell your daughter who or how often she can see her boyfriend as long as she is not neglecting her responsiblities to the household. If this is causing too much distress for your family life then should set a deadline by which she needs to find her own apartment. She is 24, which is not a child by any stretch.
i guess what im asking more than anything did i do the right thing. guess it doesnt matter the same result. i guess i will have to live with what i did but i guess its better than turning a blind eye anymore. and i guess you are right too shes 24 and if she doesnt know right from wrong now she will never will. i guess sometimes you have to choose Gods way or the highway. guess she will have to find her way back to God on her own. please pray for us both. thanx for listening
You set the rules-it’s your house. If she doesn’t want to live by those rules, she can move out.
And she did.
But nevertheless, she is still your daughter and you are still her mother. You just don’t share moral beliefs with her. You should talk to her, ask her to come over for a cup of coffee or dinner or something.
If and when she decides to live by your rules, let her move back in.
well it’s your business if you still have adult child living at home, but adults living in your home, children or not, should abide by house rules and respect the owner of the house. This applies whether or not they are paying rent. By know she should know where the screen door is and how to use it.
I am so very sorry this happened. I am sure it is quite painful for you in many different ways.
Could you have handled it better? Who knows. Is there anything else you might have doe to alter the outcome? Again, no one can know.
But do not write your daughter off. Stay in touch with her and tell her that you love her. You do not have to say much more than that, just let her know you love her. Approving her actions is a very different thing.
May God give you strength and peace.
How come you were telling your 24 year old daughter that she could only see her boyfriend twice a week and that’s if he picked her up and dropped her off at a reasonable time? Seems like you treated her like a 17 year old…? Did I misunderstand something?
I can understand you asking her not to come home late at night because it could disturb you and others living in the house, but come on, she’s 24.
By giving her that ultimatum you pushed her closer to her boyfriend and away from you. Did you try to reason with her before all this happened?
I am well past 40, married with my own kid.
I visit my mom and dad, who live hundreds of miles away. During these visits, I like to see old friends - and we would love to sit up and chat all night. Since I am staying with my parents, out of respect, I do not stay out til all hours. They have an average sized home, and coming in late will wake some of those in the house.
Adults who live at home with parents should set abide by the house rules.
yea my husband and i told her she is not on the right path. that if she keeps doing what she is doing why should he marry her. if our parents comdoned it why would we have gotten married. at first we gave her all the freedom and trusted her but its gotten out of hand. whats the differemce of going there every night and comming home at 3 or 4 in the morning. if shes going to be there anyway then why not be married whats the difference. was hoping that if they slowed down and were apart a little they would appreciate eachother more. then be more willing to make a commitment. i guess the only difference is at least now im not fooling myself anymore. guess i kinda knew it was getting deeper and deeper out of hand at least now maybe i can sleep better without it eating me up inside night and day anymore. she knows its wrong and except for seeing her before work nothings changed. it just hurts so bad to see someone you love so much mess up so bad.
Your house, your rules…
Start charging rent and treat her as a tenant… with clauses that accomodate your wishes - again it’s your house.
I hope you aren’t offended, but I think you went a bit too far and she reacted…
For what it is worth… before my ds (20) moved out last year, the rules he had were:
*]Mass is mandatory
*]No Drinking No Drugs
*]If you are going to be late…after 12 midnight, you better call so I don’t worry
*]Family dinners, Holidays and birthdays are mandatory unless you are working.
*]I would like you to be in by midnight to set a good example to your siblings. (Notice this is a request)
*]Always set a good example for your brother and sister.[/LIST]When ds moved out, it was to be closer to school and work and so he could help out some friends… I am actually proud of how he handled it with one exception… he quit school to work more when 2 of the 4 roomates started ripping off the other 2 over the bills…thankfully they are gone now.
I am sorry for the pain that your daughter has caused you. Do NOT stop talking to her. She is your daughter, and you must always show her love. It seems that her relationship with Jesus Christ is not very strong. Attacking her other sins, like cohabitating won’t help that, in fact, it is more likely to be counterproductive. Your top concern should be to bring her into a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, to the point that SHE will then choose to abandon her sinful lifestyle. I know that it is easier said than done, but I also feel that saying this is sinful or that is sinful will only push a poorly catechised “Catholic” who has not personally accepted Christ further away from Him, and from you. Well, that’s my advice.
i thank everyone for their opinions and can see that keeping my distance isnt really going to help much. and i know in my heart it will be her religion and faith in Christ that will bring her back on the right road. i guess we all have our crosses to bare. But i can say one thing i never heard of a poorly cathechised catholic. I believe no matter how much we love Christ we all sin against him at one time or another in our lives. i also believe that he is with us all always no matter how bad we fail. i can say she has gone to church every sunday since the day she was born and i know she will find her answers in church. i can see i should have maybe done things different but i guess i still have to stand by what i did. if it was a mistake time will tell. but i will keep talking to her. but as much as i love her i cant turn my back on right and wrong and i cant let her. and it is her life now and she will have to live it. i guess if i did one thing right in my life she knows who GOD is and i know she is hurting too. its so hard to live right in a world so wrong. but i believe in miracles and i know i will get one. God Bless all of you and thankx for your time and prayers;