Please help me to trust in God. I say I do, but honestly, I don’t truly think I really do. I mean, I think having severe OCD plays a big part, but still…it’s depressing. Especially in Confession, thinking “am I really absolved?”
Part of me wants to confess every single thought, detail, all the reasons for if I really did commit it, then also all the reasons for thinking I didn’t commit it, explain graphic detail, which can be sickening, dark and bad, etc. And when I feel like this, I don’t feel absolved from ANYTHING! I feel worse, frustrated, confused, and sin EVEN MORE!!
I had my whole confession spelled out in my head not too long ago, confessed my sins, then when I left I thought “oh I didn’t mention that one, or did I? I think I did. What if I didn’t?” and blah, blah blah! I don’t want to be bothered with it any longer, because everytime I dwell on it it destroys me and I fall away from God–EVERYTIME! Last time I had fallen away for almost a year, missing Mass all because of frustration, drifting further from the Church.
I just want to go into the Confessional, pour my heart out to the Lord, simply confess my sins, be absolved and return home, eagerly waiting for the Eucharist the following day, instead of dwelling on “what ifs” all the time.
Interestingly, today, when I was feeling this way, that I didn’t go into precise detail, but at the same time, held nothing back, I worried again, but…the priest said to be relieved from having such grace from God for my sins, and raised his voice louder when saying “I absolve you from your sins” during the end. I turned on the radio driving away and one of the first things I heard on some station (I think) was some guy that said “apology accepted.” And a prayer card the priest gave me, on it’s opening lines spoke of God’s forgiveness and to trust Him with confidence. Was He speaking to me? Telling me everything’s ok?
Yesterday my dogs got lose, were gone for 3 hours, my mother-in-law called from work. I went home to look for them, praying to God while driving. I was scared, worried, thinking I’m going to be one of those poor, poor people putting up lost dog signs.
Honestly, after I got home and went looking for them back in the forest trails, with my golden retriever helping me (it was the pure breed shepards that got loose and ran off), I never thought they would be found. I thought “God isn’t going to listen, care, or help. It’s my problem, not His. And your dogs are gone, forever! Probably stolen, lost, or…killed!”
I was in desparity! But low and behold, after debating to drive up a certain way (once I got into my car), I found them in some man’s yard, just sitting in the shade, taking a breather! Lol! Their tongues were lolling and they looked tired, must have been roaming around forever. But they were there. I thanked God, and felt ashamed. I wasn’t trusting Him, not a bit, and He delivered. (Though there was paint on the shepards, someone shot them with a paintball gun, there’s a factory down there, and I imagine they were scared seeing two 110 pound german shepards going haywire But they would never hurt a fly, they’re big babies and I wrestle with them all the time.)
So please, help me to trust in God, please.