Trust Issue regarding porn


#1

My husband and I have been married a year now and are very religious. When I moved in with him after we were married, I began finding porn on our computer. I talked to him about it and told him how much it hurt me, how it is a sin, and how it affects our marriage. I explained to him that I even wanted to help him steer away from sin as I believe in marriage, we need to help each other stay on the right path. He told me he agreed and promised not to look at it again as he feels it is wrong as well (saying that now he's married so he will stop). Since then, I keep finding more and more porn. Now it's not only on one computer, but both and even his iPod. It seems that even the quality is more vulgar. I tried to confront him about it and he tells me that he hasn't watched it since our conversation. When I tell him that I saw it in the history, he denies it each time. He even said it hurts him that I don't believe him. I even calmly asked him if he has a porn addiction and offered to help him. But, again he denies and tells me I need to trust him. I feel so lost as I want to believe him, but how else would the porn get there? We live alone and even our brand new laptop has porn in the history now. I also know it is wrong for me to keep looking at history now as I should trust him. It hurts me so bad and I am even starting to mistrust him on other issues. I hate feeling this way as I love him more than anything. He is always so good to me regarding everything else and claims he is happy and satisfied in all areas of our marriage. What should I do? I don't want to get a filter as I think he will feel that I am taking it too far and plus, he shouldn't be making the choice to look at it.
Any good Bible verses either he or I can read? Also, Please pray for us.


#2

You can do the research and learn that porn is as addictive to the human body/brain as is cocaine. A person cannot, on average, without professional help separate themselves from porn, just as any addict requires counseling and reprogramming.

Share the research with him. If he acknowledges his addiction then move to christian counseling. His choice will provide you with the direction and choice you will need to make.


#3

Julian’s response is superb.

Your husband tries to hides his addiction as any addict does.
It’s not unusual for any addict to lie about an addiction.
Until it’s admitted he’s not ready to begin any kind of healing.

If he won’t accept the obvious evidence of porn on a new computer,
that indicates that his brain is very addicted to the chemicals that the porn sets up in his brain and body,
but he also doesn’t want to lose you and your relationship with him, so the conflict means that he lies about it.

I guess you might need to seek advice, or figure, how in practical ways you need to handle this, as well as prayerful means, but as long as he can keep the balancing act of porn and you, he will be happy to continue as things stand.
Not that he feels comfortable about his deception. If he was he wouldn’t feel the need to lie.

God bless you both in every way you need individually and as a couple


#4

He is breaking his marriage vows and committing adultery - a grave sin!!

Here is what Christ said:

Matthew 5:27 NRSA
"You have heard that it was said, "You shall not commit adultery.’

Matthew 5:28 NRSA
But I say to you that*** everyone who looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart***.

Matthew 15:19 NRSA
For out of the heart come evil intentions, murder, adultery, fornication, theft, false witness, slander.

The Church teaches in the CCC:

2336 Jesus came to restore creation to the purity of its origins. In the Sermon on the Mount, he interprets God’s plan strictly: "You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that every one who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart."122 What God has joined together, let not man put asunder.123

**II. THE VOCATION TO CHASTITY **

2337 Chastity means the successful integration of sexuality within the person and thus the inner unity of man in his bodily and spiritual being. Sexuality, in which man’s belonging to the bodily and biological world is expressed, becomes personal and truly human when it is integrated into the relationship of one person to another, in the complete and lifelong mutual gift of a man and a woman.

The virtue of chastity therefore involves the integrity of the person and the integrality of the gift.

**The integrity of the person **

2338 The chaste person maintains the integrity of the powers of life and love placed in him. This integrity ensures the unity of the person; it is opposed to any behavior that would impair it. It tolerates neither a double life nor duplicity in speech.124

2339 Chastity includes an apprenticeship in self-mastery which is a training in human freedom. ***The alternative is clear: either man governs his passions and finds peace, or he lets himself be dominated by them and becomes unhappy.***125 "Man’s dignity therefore requires him to act out of conscious and free choice, as moved and drawn in a personal way from within, and not by blind impulses in himself or by mere external constraint. Man gains such dignity when, ridding himself of all slavery to the passions, he presses forward to his goal by freely choosing what is good and, by his diligence and skill, effectively secures for himself the means suited to this end."126

2340 Whoever wants to remain faithful to his baptismal promises and resist temptations will want to adopt the means for doing so: self-knowledge, practice of an ascesis adapted to the situations that confront him, obedience to God’s commandments, exercise of the moral virtues, and fidelity to prayer. "Indeed it is through chastity that we are gathered together and led back to the unity from which we were fragmented into multiplicity."127

2348 All the baptized are called to chastity. The Christian has "put on Christ,"134 the model for all chastity. All Christ’s faithful are called to lead a chaste life in keeping with their particular states of life. At the moment of his Baptism, the Christian is pledged to lead his affective life in chastity.

2349 "People should cultivate [chastity] in the way that is suited to their state of life. Some profess virginity or consecrated celibacy which enables them to give themselves to God alone with an undivided heart in a remarkable manner. Others live in the way prescribed for all by the moral law, whether they are married or single."135 Married people are called to live conjugal chastity; others practice chastity in continence:

There are three forms of the virtue of chastity: the first is that of spouses, the second that of widows, and the third that of virgins. We do not praise any one of them to the exclusion of the others. . . . This is what makes for the richness of the discipline of the Church.136

**Offenses against chastity **

2351 ***Lust is disordered desire for or inordinate enjoyment of sexual pleasure. Sexual pleasure is morally disordered when sought for itself, isolated from its procreative and unitive purposes. ***

2352 By masturbation is to be understood the deliberate stimulation of the genital organs in order to derive sexual pleasure. "Both the Magisterium of the Church, in the course of a constant tradition, and the moral sense of the faithful have been in no doubt and have firmly maintained that masturbation is an intrinsically and gravely disordered action."137 ***“The deliberate use of the sexual faculty, for whatever reason, outside of marriage is essentially contrary to its purpose.” For here sexual pleasure is sought outside of “the sexual relationship which is demanded by the moral order and in which the total meaning of mutual self-giving and human procreation in the context of true love is achieved.”***138

hope you find this of help.

peace of Christ
CEM


#5

I think you may have to stop being so kind. He is addicted, he is lying and he (as wonderful man as he is) is being sinful. I would go Tough Love on him as say:

  1. I know that you are looking at it and you can object all you want and try and turn it around on me and deny it, but I KNOW that you are looking at it.
  2. Doing so is a sin
  3. Doing so can lead to legal trouuble for you or me if you happen to stumble upon something involving anyone even one day underage.

You are putting yourself at risk with commiting mortal sin and destroying trust in our marriage. So…
I am going to put passwords on the computers so that you cannot get on unless I log you on. I am going to find counseling for US to go to and if you continue to deny this than the counseling can be about trust in our marriage. I love you, but I cannot simply igonore this…for your soul and mine. Period.

The above would be my advice. If you intend to have children, especially, you need to help him get this under control. If he were using crack what would you do? Take this just as seriously. He is addicted.

We’ll be praying for you.

Taben


#6

I use K9 web protection. It is very robust and it’s free. Very little porn gets through. Almost nothing. And they keep the password on their server so no hacking can be done on the computer.

Of course, he can look at porn at work or anywhere he can access a computer. This is why he needs to acknowledge his problem and get help.


#7

Thank you very much for your replies. After going to church and praying about it, I know that God wants me to be strong and help him. I also think we both need to grow even stronger in our faith. The priest at mass said that we can all use improvement and grow in faith. I think that this will be part of my new year's resolution...to grow stronger myself as well as to help my husband overcome this. It will be tough, but I have the help of our Lord to overcome our sufferings. Thank you and God Bless you all!


#8

it does sound like he is addicted or at least is heading in that direction. You can put up filters and blocks but if he is addicted, or even if not but is willing to lie, he'll just find it some other way it seems to me . He could buy and hide magazines for example. or go use some other computer away from home. . The lying is hugely damaging to trust as you have discovered. The porn eventually is going to do damage to your sexual relationship. I would suggest you let him know very strongly that he has to stop and this includes doing everything he needs to do to reassure you that he has stopped, or he has to seek joint counseling. Lack of trust will eventually destroy a marriage over time. .


#9

I think there is one option everyone should consider...

I am in the IT field, and I can say definitively that he MAY BE TELLING THE TRUTH about not doing it!!!

Depending on the websites that he visited before. his computer can be infected with targeted adware, spyware, system changes, or viruses that broadcast his connection. Porn websites use this tactic to get men hooked on free material, enticing them to pay money to see more. The idea that this has happened is not that far-fetched.

Your computer may need to be purged by a professional. Security programs are nice, but their features are always a step behind the attackers. That's how they setup defenses. Make sure you have every program update available and the most recent definitions installed.

A tech service like Geek Squad can locate errors on a computer and remove them permanently. If you have the program disks, backup your documents, photos, etc., and format the computer. This will erase everything, and you can start over.

If it shows up again after that, he cannot deny it.


#10

There is also a support group here at CAF called “Women Suffering Because of Unchastity” which deals specifically with this issue in marriages and relationships if you feel it might be of assistance to you.
May Our Lord bless you and your marriage through this, and please know that a prayer is heading your way. Requesting St. Monica’s intercession can also be very beneficial - she went through similar difficulties in her life.


#11

Thank you for the post on the IT issue. I talked to him and he swears he didn’t go on the porn sites. He does go on a lot of other websites that have free game codes (he’s an avid video game player!) as well as watches free tv/music. Not to mention, I am a nurse going for my master’s and sometimes look up various things which does leads me to random sites (even a few porn by accident especially when I was studying STDs). You may be right, I will have our computers checked out. A priest once told me to always be on the lookout for the devil trying to corrupt good things. Maybe (and hopefully) this is what it is and my husband is telling the truth.


#12

It takes a lot for a man to admit this and to admit it regularly. Its very important to be supportive rather than being a nag. Nagging will not stop it and may make him more resistant to being honest with you. Being supportive means acknowledging the steps he’s taking to overcome the problem rather than berating him or assuming he’s making no effort because he slips up. He simply doesn’t want you focusing on all his flaws and weaknesses. He wants you to see his good qualities, he wants to feel encouraged in his struggles against his sins, and he wants your mercy and assurance of your love.

There is a program called covenant eyes which simply sends their accountability partner an email pointing out what sites they visited. Anyone who has ever been an accountability partner will know that the emails and website all say that the emails are to encourage discussion. You do actually work against the program if you utilize the emails to berate and merely express your disappointment. So if you want to encourage honesty and truly show him that you’ll be supportive of him, your approach is important. If he begins to see that you do trust that he is making some effort, he may be more willing to admit his problem and to ask you to be an accountability partner. He may progress later beyond that. He may realize he needs a filter and he may actually begin to inform you of his slip ups before you get an email.


#13

[quote="bmaj, post:10, topic:224566"]
There is also a support group here at CAF called "Women Suffering Because of Unchastity" which deals specifically with this issue in marriages and relationships if you feel it might be of assistance to you.
May Our Lord bless you and your marriage through this, and please know that a prayer is heading your way. Requesting St. Monica's intercession can also be very beneficial - she went through similar difficulties in her life.

[/quote]

When your husband is ready for it, there is also a support group here for people wanting to walk the road toward purity. (link in my sig)

Praying for us all,
- curl


#14

I know porn is addictive, but "as addictive as cocaine"? I doubt it. Some people are for whatever reason, more prone to addictions in general, but certainly not everyone that views porn will automatically be addicted to it. Seriously, the percentage of men in the 21st century that have never seen any porn must be less than one tenth of one percent, and I highly doubt that all those men are addicted to it like cocaine!

I'm not trying to say that it's no big deal or not a sin, or that to many people it's highly addictive. But there is no need to have a panic attack and make your husband feel like he is the scum of the earth because the devil won a small victory over him. You may inadvertently be creating a situation where he feels that you think you are better than him/holier than him and judging him. You may fail to see the ways in which YOU are being tempted, even if it has nothing to do with sex.

Absolutely don't give up because if you give up on him, then really all women should give up on all men and that is a very depressing thought.


#15

[quote="AnaTurin, post:14, topic:224566"]
I know porn is addictive, but "as addictive as cocaine"? I doubt it. Some people are for whatever reason, more prone to addictions in general, but certainly not everyone that views porn will automatically be addicted to it. Seriously, the percentage of men in the 21st century that have never seen any porn must be less than one tenth of one percent, and I highly doubt that all those men are addicted to it like cocaine!

[/quote]

Whatever the number is the number of "addicted" males is well into the double digits. For this purpose for lack of a better word, buy addicted I mean use porn regularly.

[quote="AnaTurin, post:14, topic:224566"]
I'm not trying to say that it's no big deal or not a sin, or that to many people it's highly addictive. But there is no need to have a panic attack and make your husband feel like he is the scum of the earth because the devil won a small victory over him. You may inadvertently be creating a situation where he feels that you think you are better than him/holier than him and judging him. You may fail to see the ways in which YOU are being tempted, even if it has nothing to do with sex.

[/quote]

You are right it is not an instant addiction like cocaine can be, it takes some time. It can become very addictive it is used to cope with stress or depression. It also has a similar addictive pattern to drugs in that over time the person needs more (worse) porn to get the same reaction. They are never satisfied but still come back for more. They will never be satisfied because it is not the "cure" for what they are seeking.

"Addicts" who are or were otherwise "good" people seem to come in a couple of different types(usually a combination):

  1. Those who were exposed (in my mind raped) as a young child (10-14) and developed an addiction. They may overcome it as they mature, but it can resurface later in life when life gets tough, or their morals slowly start to slip.

  2. Marriages were relations are denied either unjustly or due to illness AND where there is poor communication. Folks in this situation can counter temptations by stepping up their spiritual life as a couple.

  3. The other class are those who engaged in premarital sex and/or use artificial birth control in their marriage. For them, the marital act has already been distorted and it is easy for on or both to fall into other forms of impurity.

  4. Those who as a couple are not walking the walk. If couple watches shows and movies that do not portray sex in an authentic way that will weaken their resolve and they can more easily fall in to a sinful pattern. These shows make heros out of charters like Sam in Cheers, or Hawkeye in MASH, or a mockery of sexual morality like the "contest" in Seinfeld etc (sorry for older references since I avoid most sitcoms now)


#16

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