Trust

Hi. I’m new to this site. I have a dilemma and i am not exactly sure where to post it. I do know i need another catholic’s view.

**How do you earn someone’s trust back? **

I haven’t done anything like adultery, but i did wait too long to tell the truth (which is the same as lying).

I know time heals things, but i’d like another catholic view on this.

Thank you.

apologizing, making restitution for what you’ve done.

Dont know how you’ve gone about repairing the problem but just reminding you of the importance of these.

I agree with divinefaith.

Lying about what? About using the wrong toothbrush? Robbing the family bank?

Not robbing a bank. (i’d get fired lol)

but lying as in, (be prepared for a spew of words that deals with relationships)

my boyfriend and i got into an argument and he decided to ignore me for a couple of days (my boyfriend is catholic as well and we are in our 20s).

While he didn’t speak to me, i was so torn up and irrational, that i confided into a male friend (not an ex) from the past. I explained what was happening and how much I truly do love my boyfriend and want things to work out. This friend wasn’t very nice and didn’t give me the insight i was looking for [which was a guy’s point of view of the situation …obviously this guy wasn’t mature enough to give me that kind of insight, which i’ve learned] so i immediately stopped the conversation and prayed about it.

I never mentioned it to my boyfriend because i was afraid another fight were to break out, but the guilt of confiding in someone else (which was a dumb mistake) ate me up, so a month later i finally fessed up.
He says it doesn’t make sense, but i’ve defiantly learned my lesson and to never confide in anyone other than maybe my family. I’ve apologized and I’m being on my best behavior to earn his trust back and plan on being on my best behavior after (and if) i do earn his trust back.
This is the only thing i’ve held back from him. I literally tell him everything that goes on. I’ve crossed a line that i won’t dare think about crossing again.

This is puzzling to me. From what you have said, I don’t know why you even had to tell him, much less apologize for it. So you confided in a male friend. Did you tell the male friend things that maybe could have sparked his interest in you, or been embarrassing to your boyfriend? Did you have feelings for this male friend that’s leading to your guilty feelings?

I’m curious what it is about your boyfriend’s reaction that it “doesn’t make sense.” To me, it doesn’t make sense that you felt guilty for doing it, or for not telling him. If all you did was confide in him in a brother/sister way then I don’t see the big deal. Was he upset over it, or just puzzled about some aspect of it? When I was in the “dating game” if I had a girlfriend who objected to me talking to other girls for any reason other than romantically, it would turn me off. I don’t need somebody who’s clingy and jealous. If your boyfriend thinks it’s wrong for you to have a platonic discussion with another male, then I’d say he’s insecure and it would be a yellow flag to me, unless of course you have done other things to cause him to be concerned about your fidelity.

The fact that the other guy’s advice was not useful is a different issue, unless maybe he reacted in a romantic way and you thought you triggered it. If you learned the lesson that others’ opinions about things aren’t always going to be useful, then I think that’s great. But unless it was more than what you’ve let on about it so far, if you’ve “learned the lesson” that you should never talk to other men about anything, then I think that’s the wrong lesson.

Now you have me curious as to the nature of your questions and the guy’s response. My male competitiveness is eager to show off that I can give you a more useful answer than his. :smiley:

Of course you should not divulge anything on this public forum that you don’t want to, just because I asked. So if you don’t want to tell us, don’t take any pressure from me to say it. http://bestsmileys.com/mouthzippedshut/2.gif

Alan

Hi Jenilo,
Sounds like you are in deep with this young man. May I make a suggestion.
Don’t tell him everything because that is one sure way of driving him insane in short order.
He dosen’t want to know everything, his ears won’t take it.
I think females tend to think and treat males the way they would want to be treated and thought of. This is a big misunderstanding about males. They want to see you smile and be happy. Your pretty smile can illumin their life more than all the conversation you might manage to come up with. Just keep that smile and sort of down play the conversation.
I know this sounds strange to you because you of course will be thinking like a woman as you should. But men are different. If you want long conversations seek out another woman friend and you will both be very happy. Men are just men and have tiny ears.
They can’t take that much conversation their mind will explode. So you may keep to yourself all the things you want to and make him very happy, just be sure to show him that
pretty smile because he lives to see that.

As for the trust. You are not married, nor engaged, so how is it possible to violate his trust? You may talk to anyone you please at any time you please and in any place you please and about anything that pleases you, and there would not be the slightest hint of violating anything or anyone. It is called the 5th amendment, the right of free speech.
Now once a person is marriied or engaged, that talking to other girls is highly recommended and other boys are very much down played. Until then, use the 5th.

Hey, have a good blessed life and be who you are at all times.

I don’t know if I agree about just being the “pretty smile”, I mean - I don’t think you meant it that way but women also have emotions, a mind, a soul… my friends I know who have good relationships, they do talk to their boyfriend/girlfriend about important stuff, I think. But not excessively. I would also say to the OP, don’t tell your boyfriend absolutely everything, it doesn’t mean lying or being secretive at all, but not everything is meant to be shared. Some things are just you and God… or you and your confessor… or you and your best friend… maybe if your boyfriend was your husband, then you could tell him much more. But - remember that there’s a difference, if you’re not married.

God bless

It’s interesting that I just got this email today, from a spiritual director whose daily emails I subscribe to. (I won’t mention him here because he’s controversial and doing so could hijack the thread.)

He’s currently on a series about “spirituality and the 12 steps.” Here is an excerpt from today’s email, which may relate to this situation:

We made direct amends to such people wherever possible,
except when to do so would injure them or others.
    ~ Step Nine of the Twelve Steps

The Twelve Steps are about two things: making amends and keeping us from
wounding one another further. Too much earnest zeal here, “spilling
the beans” on everybody’s lap, will usually create a whole new set
of problems. Many people simply do not have the proper “filters” to
know how to process ideas or information; they often misuse it without
intending to misuse it. Even sincere people can do a lot of damage with
information that they are not prepared to handle, and often make rash
judgments that are not true or helpful.

I’m thinking this may apply to either the boyfriend or the wannabe confidant. :wink:

Alan

Thank you all.
Every one of you has given me great insight on the situation. I know my boyfriend and I aren’t married or engaged, but I do think it’s safe to say we (if we can get past this situation…ha…which i believe we will ) are on our way to something more than just ‘boyfriend/girlfriend’ (it’s been brought up before by both of us but we don’t want to jinx anything before it happens). I can say though we are advanced in our relationship to the point of behaving in that manner with some aspects but not all. (i really hope that made sense to someone)

My mother’s suggestion was to not always tell everything, as a few of you have said. Which after hearing it a few times, does make sense now.

Everyone’s suggestions and insight has made me feel more at ease about the situation; i just hope that both my boyfriend and i can learn and grow from what has happened. I never meant any harm to him and I know i’ve crossed a line and i won’t dare think to cross it again. I do apologize if I sound a little daft. I’ve been emotionally mixed up about this because i just want things to get better like I know they should. Thank you for everyone’s help! :slight_smile:

OH! maybe y’all can help me with this. I haven’t been to confession in a while and when i get my next saturday off, i plan on going. I am ashamed to say how long it’s been, but I am clueless on how to exactly start the whole reconciliation. Do i just go in and state “Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I have not been to confession in insert time here?” and go from there? Or is there a better way going about that? I go to church regularly, pray regularly and such. I’ve just had a hard time with the whole confession thing and i’ve come to the point where I need to go and I want to go and I shouldn’t fear it anymore.
Thank you again.

If you know how long it’s been, then why not just blurt it out and let your confessor deal with it? If you don’t know, then you might say, “I don’t know how long, but it was at least two years” or whatever. Honestly I have some difficulty with the confession thing, but once I go I don’t think it is any time to be shy or to pull punches. I’d rather “lay it on the line” and “get my cards on the table” and whatever other cliches might apply. Fact is, if we go in there too scared to say anything that will shock the priest, then we might as well not bother. Technically I don’t know if that is Church teachings, but if you can go in and say your deepest darkest secrets and believe me after the first three months of being a confessor they’ve already heard it all, I think the priest would welcome you back. Remind you of the importance of regular confession, maybe, but is as glad you are back as if he were the father of the prodigal son. :dancing:

Don’t sweat it. You’re doing great. I still wonder if it’s healthy to make a promise to yourself or others that you will never talk about anything personal with anybody except X and/or Y, but that’s for you to decide as you grow going forward. You come across as seeking the truth and trying to do what’s right. Give yourself some credit and don’t think you’re too unworthy of God’s love for Him to be able to give it to you, because you have it already whether you are worthy or not, just like the rest of us. :slight_smile:

Alan

… my dear friend ,

… trust is something you earn and get more of as you earn more , perhaps empathise and put yourself in the others shoes and do what you think they expect in order to trust you again and more , usually you are entitled to forgiveness if you sincerely ask but must work to increase the trust , some violations of trust go too far for some people , it is subjective in this regard so get inside the others head and work on getting it as they want it , i’ll pray for you , but remember everyone makes mistakes and this is normal human learning and you must be allowed to make mistakes so you can learn , so long as you did not cross the line too far , some people are like nazis that will not accept or tolerate any mistakes others are not , you must judge how to go about this and be extra good whilst trying to regain trust dear friend , hope this helps you both ,

… may god bless , love and grant peace and reconciliation to you both :thumbsup::slight_smile: ,

… john …

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