I’m not sure how to write all this out but I’ll ramble to the best of my ability.
Starting sometime last week I noticed a desire, a pull if you will, to pray the Rosary. I finally surrendered to it Monday night and have decided to continue until I feel pulled towards another prayer or style of prayer. Last night, after I had nearly finished praying the last decade I remembered that my mother kept a rosary on the one end table in our living room on top of a book of prayers and Ligouri magazine when I still lived with my parents. Now, I always felt and saw that my mother’s understanding and living of her faith (she’s a cradle Catholic by the way) was pretty much limited to going to Mass and living her way the rest of the week. Now, I have no idea if she prayed the Rosary or not.
This memory also brings up a lot of bad memories of my mother. Now I won’t go into detail here but sufficent to say there are not many pleasant ones. I’m working on forgiving her but with the memory of the rosary last night all of sudden I felt that somehow I would have to have a relationship that I don’t want with her, that I would have to connect with her in a way that she would manipulate to hurt me, that I would have to love her in a way that I don’t and don’t feel compelled to, that I would forgive her and she would take it as a liscence to continue to hurt me, that I would have to give up everything that I accomplished since I left home and start listening and doing what she wants. In short, I would have to sacrifice me to make her happy, to make others happy, to make God happy, and that whatever I decided would be wrong no matter what and that I would lose.
My thoughts wandered to the point that she would some how find out that I was praying the Rosary and that she would make me pray with her(if she prayed it) and that I would be forced into a relationship with her. And be forced to move back home though I have made it pretty clear that won’t happen. My mother won’t listen to me and constantly brings the subject up (I ignore it) and constantly belittles any choices and accomplishments I’ve made.
Now I don’t talk to my parents except through email, the occasional phone call, and that’s it. I have also read Children of the Self-Absorbed by Nina Brown since I kept coming across it on these forums.
Now I guess, I’m trying to figure where this all came from. Unfortunately, I’m pretty financially dependent on them currently. I am working or trying to work and looking to find a new job and feel so guiltly and worthless having to ask for money and not being able to support myself. So I’m wandering if this all coming from worrying about money or if it’s more than that.
Now I know that I am not a horrible person but sometimes I still feel that way and this situation isn’t help.
Thanks for letting me vent. I’m not sure how much help this has been except that now other people will read it which really doesn’t bother me. And I’m not sure what I’m looking for by posting here.