Trying to do the Christian thing


#1

Hello Everyone!

I am new to this board. I am Catholic and have four children. I am married to a wonderful man who is in the process of becoming Catholic. We have always had a wonderful marriage, but since my husband has started the process of becoming Catholic, we have grown closer than I ever thought possible. This has also lead me to want to learn more about my faith and that has made my life so much more fulfilling. My problem is my in-laws. Long story short, I am step-mother to my husbands oldest son. He lives with us full-time and has since he was two. His biological mother shows no interest to him and calls/visits maybe twice a year (she lives 10 miles from us). My husband and I also have triplets. My husband revealed to me about 2 weeks ago that he wants to have a vasectomy reversal (based on the teachings of the church) and would like more children. We talked about it and both agreed that we want to have the reversal done.

Here is my problem. My in-laws are very critical of my husband becoming Catholic. They themselves have no faith to call their own, and basically think Catholics are weird. If I try to have an adult conversation about Catholics and our beliefs, they become very condescending, so I usually leave it alone. They have said things about our faith that are down right rude, and have a HUGE problem with us bringing my step-son into the church (even thought he loves church). They have said very mean things also about my husbands reversal and think we are selfish to want more children. I consider my husband and I to be very good parents who enjoy their children very much. We are also in a position financially to welcome more children. It has come to the point where I don’t even want to talk to them anymore. This makes me really sad because I really do care about them and love them. I try to be “Christianly” toward them, but they are just so critical of EVERYTHING we do now! How do I keep these people in my life and not go crazy?? My husband just basically tells me to ignore them, as he thinks his parents are the most negative people ever (luckily, he is the complete opposite) but these days I can do nothing right and get critized for everything. I don’t want to shut them out, but they are making it very diffucult to include in our lives…please give me advice :confused:


#2

When they are getting ugly you can smile and let them know you’ll pray for them and then change the topic of discussion.

As for ya’ll having more children, your husbands reversal, etc… that’s between you and your husband. You can let them know “thanks for your opinion, but my husband and I have figured it out, thanks.” This is all assuming you haven’t approached them with the topic to open it up for discussion. If they approach you with it, or they’re asking nosey questions, just ask them really sweetly “Now why do you ask?” while staring them in the eye with a no nonsense look. You don’t have to be ugly but you don’t have to answer their questions or satisfy their curiosity. It often makes me wonder why a mother would want to know about her sons’ sex life anyway… and what could make a woman ask his wife (her DIL) about it???

Praise God to you and your husband becoming closer and it’s great to hear he’s coming into the Church! What great news!!! :thumbsup: :smiley:


#3

This is my opinion as well. There is no need to share such personal info with your ILs. Don’t mention or bring up having a reversal again. The reversal may or may not work. If it doesn’t work, then they won’t even know your dh had it done. If it does work—WOW!!! IT"S A MIRACLE;) !!!
If your ILs bring it up, change the subject or nicely tell them it’s between you and your dh. ILs should have absolutely no input into a decision like this at all.

I’m so happy that your dh is coming back into the Faith. Your family sounds beautiful.


#4

They may have a problem with it, but that is their problem.

The boy is in your custody and not theirs.

If they think the boy will go to hell because he is leaving the faith, then maybe they need to see how strong their own prayers are. Let them pray for Divine Intervention, and if such intervention takes place then we’ll know. :smiley:

As I opined to another poster, if the in-laws are paying your bills, then they have a right to enter the discussion of more children, as NFP is allowed by the Church for financial reasons. Otherwise, sorry but these things are not their concern.

Be gentle, though. Some people were brought up on such evil shows as “Captain Planet” which openly, blatantly, and completely, trashed any large family and was on among other childrens’ cartoons. There are probably millions of pathetic minds that have been touched by such leaven.

Alan


#5

[quote=Giannawannabe]—WOW!!! IT"S A MIRACLE;) !!!
[/quote]

:thumbsup:
:dancing:


#6

My advice:

**Don’t talk about religion, marriage, or children with them. **


If they want to be rude or hatefull, let them talk to alone - you are not obligated to listen to it. My experience has been that people get tired of talking to themselves and eventually either learn to mind their mouths or find a more willing victim elsewhere.


Your dh is right in his perspective and problably from many years of experience. You will find that people who act this way cannot be made happy and the harder you try to do so, the more fuel it will seem you give them.


My .02 from experience…


#7

I’ve been dealing with a similar situation for over a decade. My husband’s family is fairly anti-Catholic (extremely in the beginning of dating and early marriage) It used to really bother me, but I have learned to ignore it. When asked, I give an answer, otherwise I just focus on our family, knowing that any opinion they have doesn’t matter if I dont’ let it matter. Allowing it to upset or destroy my peace allows them far too much power. If they start being rude we just say “Well, this has been a nice visit, but it’s time to go now.” We don’t argue back or allow them to make us angry, we just leave. After a few years it trained them into realizing that it just insn’t worth it

Why do they know about your husband’s reversal? You and your husband should keep that in mind the next time you have something personal, don’t share it with them if you don’t want their opinion. That is definitely something to learn from

I know it’s difficult, but it will get easier with time when they realize that their opinions and rudeness is not going to keep your family from practicing the Catholic Faith.

Being a Christian does not mean allowing yourself or your family to be a door mat. Allowing them to act this way without any reprocussions is not doing them any favors. The result of their behavior is that they will naturally be more distant from their son and his family. That is the choice they are making, and you should feel no guilt in taking a break from them until they cool off a bit. Allowing them to face the natural consequences of their actions is healthy and Christian. Just stay kind.


#8

Well, first, stop telling them personal information.

Secondly, you and your husband must establish ground rules for visiting your home. In your home, there will be no ridicule of the Catholic faith. People who ridicule the faith are not welcome and are asked to leave.

Third, tell them flat out that you are raising your son as you see fit and the topic is no longer open for discussion. Period.

I’m serious, people can only do to you what you allow them to do. You must take charge, they are only toxic if you let them be toxic. And, if they continue to disregard your requests and show disrespect to you-- then you have lost nothing by cutting them out of your life (and more importantly your children’s).

Many people have suggested the book Toxic Inlaws. I haven’t read it, but maybe it would help you guys.


#9

We always hope that confiding special, highly personal things with others will notch up the intimacy level in an otherwise cool relationship, but it usually doesn’t work out that way. Critical, shallow people usually remain so, even when Godly things are happening all around them. Don’t even tell the in-laws when the reversal happens. This is absolutely no one’s business. And be prepared to answer the in-laws queries as to the status of the hoped for pregnancy. Now that they know you will be trying to conceive, that just might take emotional advantage of your vulnerable situation by reminding you that in their own esteemed opinion, it was a foolish decision in the first place (Of course, I don’t think so, I pray that you conceive immediately!). You and your husband must have the same neutral, detached, upbeat answer, and I do mean the exact same words given by both of you in identical answers, each time his parents inquire about this situation. They will eventually stop asking. I hope that by this time next year you are carrying the baby who will change their minds about these matters!


#10

Sincerest Congratulations on a great job as mother and wife. You sound very blessed. When someone calls you names for the sake of being a Christian -especially a Catholic Christian-do a dance, for you are chosen by God to be a witness for Him.

I do not want any enemies because the Lord says “I shall make footstools of your enemies!” Be kind and gentle, as not to make your in-laws your enemy. You don’t sound like you need advice, just someone to vent to. You have so much love and graces it makes me want to cry-for joy :crying:

Please keep posting, you made my day


#11

Quote:

Well, first, stop telling them personal information.

Well, this is very good advice…I would never say anything to them about my husband and I wanting a reversal, but they tend to make rude comments about our triplets from time to time. Hubby kinda blurted it out one day to put her in her place. Some people see having triplets as a burden, but my husband and I are a great team and we enjoy very much being the parents of triplets!

Trust me, we are going to be much more careful about what we say from now on.

Thanks for all the other comments and suggestions. I am at a really good place in life right now, and being more active in my faith and church has a lot to do with it. I will not allow these people the chance to bring that down. As some above said, when these comments start coming…we will be out the door!


#12

Quote:

Well, first, stop telling them personal information.

Well, this is very good advice…I would never say anything to them about my husband and I wanting a reversal, but they tend to make rude comments about our triplets from time to time. Hubby kinda blurted it out one day to put her in her place. Some people see having triplets as a burden, but my husband and I are a great team and we have enjoyed very much being the parents of triplets!

Trust me, we are going to be much more careful about what we say from now on.

Thanks for all the other comments and suggestions. I am at a really good place in life right now, and being more active in my faith and church has a lot to do with it. I will not allow these people the chance to bring that down. As some above said, when these comments start coming…we will be out the door!


#13

My husband and I must be you in reverse. We have four children ages 7, 4, 2, and 4 months. We have been practicing NFP Crieghton model and none of our children were surprises they were all conceived in that fertile window and took a chance and/or were open to children. My ML has been pressuring my husband to have a vasectomy for years. My husband has health problems and a disability and money is an issue also. My husband wants a vasectomy because he feels NFP does not work. It does it’s just how you practice it. I do not want him to have a vasectomy. Long story short he pressured me into signing consent form which took a year for him to do. Now he has tried 3x to try and have it done, once at clinic which they foudn out they could not do it, too complicated in his case, then he went to larger faciltiy which could handle his case but there was a blizzard and he could not make it. The next time he tried they stated they could not do it either unless he was put under to have it done which is not a good option in my husbands case because of his health problems. (I think God is laughing right now.) Now husband is pressureing me to have my tubes tied I that is a definite no. Our marriage was good the first three years but after his accident and health problems it has gone down hill and we are struggling. Waht do you do with someone who does not agree with the faith but is catholic himself as well as his mother who is even more enraged with me that my husband is. My ML thinks we should have only had one child. What am I to do in this situation. I have been praying, praying, praying, but still am very stressed as i have four children and a full time job because husband cannot work and i have the insurance. Any one else in this situation?


#14

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