Trying to Find a Catholic Community



Building a social life can be hard to impossible. My social life died after graduating university and is only starting to come back after having a baby. I tried loads of things to resurrect my social life in the time in between and nothing worked.

Sometimes your face doesn’t fit in a parish or you are the wrong sort of person. In some parishes people stick with their own families or the parents of their kids friends and a single childless person doesn’t fit into this.


It makes me depressed when I’m at home alone at night. What do you mean by a “licit intimate relationship”?
I would like to not eat my meals alone and not have to watch tv alone at night. Really, I wouldn’t mind living with a bunch of monks in a community, but I just need to find something close to that as a lay person. Because, as has been referenced, the Pope said that ANYONE with these tendencies should not be admitted to religious life.

I don’t want to live as an individual. I despise individualism. Living by myself is individualism. Everyone in the Church seems to think that capitalism is the cure for all of our woes. My depression and isolation wasn’t any better when I worked a full time job. All I did was work, then go home. I had no one in my life until I met my boyfriend. I worked there for 2 years, and I made 2 friends at work. And I never hung out with them. So, you know, we’ll see. Hopefully I get a job soon, and if my troubles still persist, what do I get, do I get to say “I told you so”.

A shorter response to that would be, maybe you’re wrong.


There’s a lot of Catholics around me. I assume most of them have families. You can look up county- level census data at


He did not say that. In reference to homosexuality, he said if you can’t be celibate then you shouldn’t be in the priesthood.


““In consecrated and priestly life, there’s no room for that kind of affection. Therefore, the church recommends that people with that kind of ingrained tendency should not be accepted into the ministry or consecrated life.”
“The ministry or the consecrated life is not his place.”

I think you’re referring to this: We “have to urge homosexual priests, and men and women religious, to live celibacy with integrity, and above all, that they be impeccably responsible, trying to never scandalise either their communities or the faithful holy people of God,” the pope said.

“It’s better for them to leave the ministry or the consecrated life rather than to live a double life.”

I just got the impression that he’s like grandfathering-in the existing gay clergy. But the Church doesn’t want any new priests or religious who are gay. Is that wrong?
I CAN be a religious still? Even though I’ve had sex with other men before? Is that what you’re saying?


I’m sayin there is a process of discernment in place for determining whether or not you can become a priest. It’s not a firm yes or no until you’ve at least sat down and talked to someone qualified to discuss your vocation.

All candidates for the priesthood go through several years of screening and interviews.

The important things are that you have completely left this lifestyle behind (to the point that you don’t feel attached to it), you can truly be 100% celibate for the rest of your life, and that you 100% agree with and will authentically preach what the church teaches with regards to sex and sexuality.

You must also have the spiritual and psychological maturity to be able to resist temptation in this regard because you will be tempted. Our priests are under immense spiritual attack from the devil.

If you aren’t absolutely certain you can live up to these difficult standards, then the priesthood is likely not for you. This is what Pope Francis is saying. It is better not to be a priest than to be a priest who leads a double life.


I’m way late in responding, but I meant that because you’re gay, there’s no way for you to have a licit romantic relationship. Which has gotta be hard, and I’m sorry.

But really, what I don’t get about your posts is the idea that you seem to have that the only two options are “complete depressing isolation” or “live in a monastic community.” You can have an active social life without actually living with people. That’s one of the reasons I think you should look for work: not because capitalism is the answer to everything or money is the be all end all, but because it would get you out into the world interacting with people. Plus, yeah, you gotta pay your bills.

Are you getting mental health treatment?


I think even if you aren’t going to serve or help out at your parish… everything starts with mass. Go regularly … if you aren’t working then go daily. God is going to guide you to one of these places and the thing you are missing in all this is that you have to be receptive to him. No offence but even if you find this Catholic community, they have to accept you to… unless I am wrong it is usually a two way street. You dont just walk in the door and live there or join I’d have thought it is much like a Secular or third order in which You discern if it’s what fits you and they discern if you are what fits them. Then if it is so… because it is God’s will in all cases - then you ask to join and they accept you. So there needs to be a lot of prayer and mass is going to be where that begins. You are going to need to trust God to get to through those mental health issues or lead you to where you can be with them in a safe place. I am sorry but I dont see any way to do that without mass. In my parish there are tons of leaflets and letters on the noticeboard about such places and retreats etc. so how would you learn of these or hear of missionary’s without mass from a practical point of view? or from a spiritual point of view have the courage and fortitude to go or learn from people what is good. Also in a parish there are easier things to volunteer for like cleaning or welcoming, you dont have to start with the big guns to become one of the family. You can also just make an appointment with your priest and ask him about such places and/or ask at your college. God bless you. And go to mass


The idea of living alone for the rest of my life makes me depressed. And I don’t want to live by myself, furthermore.
I’ve had a job, and I get home and I’m tired. And I’m still depressed having a job doesn’t mean you make friends. I haven’t made any friends in maybe like 3 years. I worked with coworkers for 2 years and I hung out with one of them like twice.

Yeah, I’m going to counseling. Yeah, I need a job soon for the money. But I’m gonna be back here and say “I told you so” to every one of you. Working at a fast food joint or restaurant doesn’t mean I’ll have a social life. For one thing, most of the ppl who I’ve worked with in the past smoke weed. Or are otherwise very secular, and I don’t associate with such people. Would y’all encourage me to?


Yeah, I’m not far enough removed from it. I have like close to a 15 year porn addiction, and I’m 26. Was that mentioned in this thread? Idk.

Point being, except for a very very small number of people, the vast majority of gay people don’t have to discern. Unlike y’all. Because we’re going to be single. That’s that.


The last time I went to Mass, I was of course like 10 minutes early. And I sat so that I wouldn’t be in people’s way so I could sit when people receive communion. Then what happens, 7 people get there late and make me move. So now there’s 7 people to my left and 6 to my right. So I’m like forced to go up. And people here don’t do the cross your arm things here. It makes me very anxious. It’s awful.

And what about like a place to detox at then? What if I had a 15 year heroin addiction? I need a community to help me. Not one to discern at daily Mass like a monk. I used to do that. That doesn’t happen to be where I’m at right now.

Here’s a question: where do all the gay, porn addicted Catholics go? I think I know the answer and so do y’all. They leave the Church. So keep that in perspective. All these answers haven’t kept the majority the vast majority of gay people in the pews. Just saying. In the face of such a mass Exodus you’d think the tone would be a bit more ‘we need to do a lot more on this, we need a lot more resources devoted to this’ and a little less ‘do I have a tried and true answer for you! That’s working really well for the Church’. Just saying.


I have to work, I have to find a job. I have to go to counseling. I have to be on top of everything. I have to go to Mass. I have to not get depressed. I have to fix my 15 year porn addiction.

Is there anything that God’s gonna do? Or the Church? Or some Catholic people? It was always my understanding that the Church doesn’t like individualism. I go on these forums and say "I don’t want to live an individualistic gay lifestyle’. And the response largely seems to be: “get your life together and solve your problems”. Idk, am I wrong?
Is that not what y’all are saying?
I have no one in my life who cares enough to help me with anything. I feel like I’m gonna fall through the cracks.
Maybe I’ll be homeless. Maybe God wants me to be homeless. And I’ll meet some great ppl at the homeless shelter to get my life on track. I’m broke in about 2 months. I have 8 or $900 left


Maybe, if they’re decent, interesting people. It’s not like you have to only socialize with Catholics. I have friends of multiple religions, or no religion at all. It’s fine; it can lead to interesting discussions. And maybe you need to think about getting a real career off the ground, so you’re not working at a fast food restaurant with stoned teenagers. What would you ultimately like to do?

Aside from work, have you tried joining any groups for people with your interests? It’s not like you have to meet people through church or work.

This is easy to misinterpret, so please realize that what I’m about to say is not meant as an attack. You’re putting out a very unappealing vibe. You seem like you’d be incredibly unpleasant to hang out with in your current state. You come off as very self-pitying and don’t seem to think you have any control of or responsibility for your current state. No matter what anyone suggests, you come back with “that won’t work, my life is terrible” or “I’ll come back and say I told you so when this fails.” (Shocking that something wouldn’t work when you go into it thinking it’s doomed to fail. :roll_eyes:) That’s not the energy most people want to hang out with. If that’s what you’re projecting most people are going to be repelled. You seem like you’ve convinced yourself that you’re helpless and need to be taken care of. Guess what? LOTS of Catholics struggle with pornography, gay or straight. LOTS of people struggle with depression. I’m not saying these aren’t real problems; they are. But you’re not a helpless twig being carried along by a river. You’re a grown man and you have moral agency. You can make positive changes. Nothing is going to be a magic fix that works overnight, but you can start moving in the right direction. There are people, Catholic and otherwise, who can help, but ultimately you need to take ownership and accept responsibility for your own life. You’re the captain of your ship, bro.

If you want to make friends, first step is to be the kind of person most people want to be friends with.

Happy advent. I don’t say any of the above to be cruel, but I think your mindset isn’t doing you any favors here.


You aren’t helpless or hopeless. Listen to what Boom Boom says.

If you want things to change, change them. God will help strengthen you and guide you if you truly want him to, but religion is not a license to sit back and wait for a bolt of lightening to come from the sky that will instantly solve your troubles. You must take some action.

God bless.


God has plans for you my friend. Keep going and listen to the advice of those here


Not sure if anyone else has mentioned this earlier in the thread – I’m guessing not – but some say it’s possible to change one’s sexual orientation from gay to straight. I personally can’t say with certainty whether it is or not, but if I had to venture a guess I’d say that with God anything is possible.

Perhaps this notion greatly offends you; I can’t help that. On the other hand, perhaps you should consider it seriously. If necessary, fume about this post of mine for an hour or a day, wait until the anger fades, and then consider it for a while. I mean, really think about it, instead of dismissing it without having given it careful thought. A simple web search for the topic turns up plenty of results.

Anyway, I’m pointing this out because it’s quite obvious from everything you’ve posted in this thread that the prospect of having to be single for the rest of your life bothers you tremendously. If it’s possible to become straight – and that’s for you to consider, not me or anyone to tell you – you’d have eliminated one heck of a problem from your life, wouldn’t you?


Have you considered contacting Catholic Community Services in your area? They may be able to put you in contact with knowledgeable Catholics who, in turn, may be able to help you address these concerns.
Frequent reception of the sacraments will provide avenues for grace.
May God bless you.


Actually, I can compare you with other singles in the church. Any single person is, “single right now” and may die at any moment. No one is assured of matrimony and all are challenged to live in relationship given their present status.
What that relationship entails, is up to you. I hope that you build positive relationships, both with Catholics and with non-Catholics.
May God guide you towards community life in accordance with His most holy will.


Ok, but my point is, those straight people, even if they die while being single, have hope. They have hope that they won’t be. If they’re women theyve probably planned their weddings even. But at the very least, they have that in the back of their mind. “Right now I’m living like a bachelor, but eventually I’ll have a family and kids”. What should I have hope of? I hope I don’t live long, so that I can get to Heaven quickly, because life here sucks as a single person.
Maybe I’ll take up smoking cigarettes. Couldn’t hurt, right? I’ll already die young bc depression takes years off your life.

DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit