Trying to understand this girl


#1

I was wondering if you could perhaps help me. Recently I was deeply hurt when someone I thought liked me told me that she did not have the same feelings for me, even though she has happily agreed to still be one of my friends.

I just don’t understand why she doesn’t have any feelings for me. I don’t mean to sound vain, but I’m far from hideous looking. I’m also polite and fairly mature for my age (23). I have a sense of humor, am tall and consider myself to be orthodox in my faith.

So, I’m just wondering why she seems not to like me at all. I know that nobody except her can know for sure, but I am open to suggestions. In a previous thread I posted, the posts seemed to suggest that girls like guys who are mature and nice. In any case, while talking with her, I remember that she once hinted to me about being in the process of discernment, so I wonder if that has anything to do with her reaction. I also wonder if she is looking for someone who is much more outgoing than me (I tend to be somewhat reticent although I like being around people). Maybe I moved too quickly in acting. I knew her for maybe three months at the time. I really thought that she liked me, and since I liked her too, I was somewhat concerned that if I waited too long I would have insulted her by not responding to her.

If people could perhaps help me out, that would be great. She’s a really nice girl and we agreed to continue being friends, although It’s still very hard for me to talk with her without getting somewhat frustrated, since she still smiles at me in a way which I (wrongly) interpret as flirtatious. I don’t know much about girls, and that was the first time I told anyone how I felt about them. So, please excuse me for anything that is out of place. Thanks! :slight_smile:


#2

You poor guy. But that is life and it works both ways. Girls often like guys who don’t return their feelings. Unfortunately, why she doesn’t like you (in a romantic way) is not important. It is probably more about her than it is about you. Don’t be insulted. Just recognize that she is not the right one, at least at this time. And don’t try to change her mind. It won’t work. Just because she isn’t the right one for you, doesn’t mean the right girl is not out there. You just have to keep looking and waiting. Hang in there. When she comes along, you’ll both know it.


#3

Brother,

You sound a lot like I did after I met a girl a few years ago who didn’t want to date me, and I couldn’t figure out why.

Now I call that same girl my wife and looking back she can’t figure out why she didnt want to date at first either.

What I did back then was just chalked it up as her loss and dated several other women. She dated a couple other guys. We stayed friends. When we both became available again, she came to her senses and decided to pursue me. Now we are married and have a great little baby boy.

Moral of the story is that there is probably nothing wrong with you. Sometimes women (and men) don’t always think clearly sometimes when they make dating decisions. She may need some maturing or just might not be ready for a “good” guy in her life. I’d say forget about her and move on…but don’t burn any bridges because she might just pursue you one day. Women are funny like that…


#4

If it doesn’t ‘click,’ it doesn’t click. Move on as soon as possible and avoid this girl until your hurt feelings mend a bit and you won’t feel inadequate around her.


#5

[quote=Madaglan]I was wondering if you could perhaps help me. Recently I was deeply hurt when someone I thought liked me told me that she did not have the same feelings for me, even though she has happily agreed to still be one of my friends.

I just don’t understand why she doesn’t have any feelings for me.
[/quote]

That is not what she said. She said she didn’t have romantic feelings for you. there is a difference between having romantic feelins, and having feelings; if hse is willing to be your firend, she has some feelings _ firendship, compassion, amusement, joy to name a few possiblities.

[quote=Madaglan]I don’t mean to sound vain, but I’m far from hideous looking. I’m also polite and fairly mature for my age (23). I have a sense of humor, am tall and consider myself to be orthodox in my faith.
[/quote]

None of which really has a lot to do with having romantic feelings.

[quote=Madaglan]So, I’m just wondering why she seems not to like me at all.
[/quote]

Again, that is not what she said. you are overreacting, because you had romantic feelings for her, and she didn’t for you. That alwys hurts; some people are more hurt by it than others.

[quote=Madaglan] Maybe I moved too quickly in acting. I knew her for maybe three months at the time. I really thought that she liked me, and since I liked her too, I was somewhat concerned that if I waited too long I would have insulted her by not responding to her.
[/quote]

No, it is not moving too quickly; it is more likely that you mistake friendship for soemthing different.

[quote=Madaglan] I don’t know much about girls, and that was the first time I told anyone how I felt about them. So, please excuse me for anything that is out of place. Thanks! :slight_smile:
[/quote]

Not out of place. I don’t know that I would have bared my soul in a public forum such as this, but perhaps the anonomity of the internet allows such.

I would suggest a couple of things. There are probably some girls your age you know, and with whom you are friends. Whay are you not romantically inclined to them? The reasons are probably similar to why she is not to you, and they are reasons that are at best difficult to quantify and relate verbally; it is hard to put into words.

I have read several of your comments on other threads, and I get the impression that you have had bouts of mild depression, that you are impressionable and a bit naieve, have fairly strong emotions, and display them fairly easily. another way of saying it is that you have a tendency to wear your heart on your sleeve; as a result, you are hurt easily.

Part of that may come from too easily expecting too much from relationships; in other words you are a romance looking for a place to happen, and you end up trying to happen when the reciprocation is mis-identified.

My boss laughs because I have related a number of stories to him; he is convinced that if I didn’t date someone, I dated their sister’s husband’s second cousin. And the truth is, I did date quite a number of women; dates being going to movies, or dinner, or to a party, etc.

Several of them broke my heart. A couple, I broke their hearts. I had my first date in high school at 16 (football game, my school against hers), and I wasn’t half so interested in her as I was in her older sister, who would have laughed me out of town had I asked her to the game…

And I didn’t get married for another 16 years.

Your emotions seem to run close to the surface, and you are going to get hurt a fair amount if that is true, because that usually leads to getting in over your head emotionally before the other person is, or in spite of the fact that the other person is not.

You either need to learn to throttle down the speed with which you “fall” for someone, or you are going to be on the emotional roller coaster for sure.

so, the long and the short of it is that you are going to fall for some others, and they won’t have the same feeling; and some might fall for you, and it won’t be one you feel that way about.

Maybe it really was easier when marriages were arranged…

Or maybe not…


#6

My son insists he has the ‘curse’ of being girls’ ‘best friend’. He’s beginning to be able to laugh about it, but it still hurts and frustrates him so. It helped when I told him I heard Dr. Ray Guirendi lament about the same thing on his radio program the other day.

I guess that’s just the way things are, and I’m sorry I don’t have any insight or advice to offer. Can’t help my own son get through this, don’t see how I’d be able to help you.

As I assure him though, it’s not always going to be like this, at least not if God has the vocation of marriage in mind for you. But if He has the vocation of the priesthood, perhaps, or if He has in mind for you, a life of single service to Him then it may be the way it’s going to play out.

My son already has a ‘travel bug’ in his personality - wanting to wander the world, explore, experience different cultures, see other lands…it’s quite possible God is going to send him around the world to share his faith through his ordinary life (not the priesthood). That’s not such a bad vocation, in my opinion. It’s also quite possible his mate is in another country and he’s yet to meet her. I encourage him to keep his options open and to follow his heart. If it takes him abroad, so be it. If it keeps him close to home, that’s great, too.

At 23 the world is your oyster. Keep your eyes on the Lord, Trust in His plan for you, and keep opening your eyes, heart to discern His will. You’ll be ok. Trust Him. Only He knows what adventures lie ahead for you.


#7

I hear ya brother. I am 21 and havn’t been on a date in about 3 years…I only have one more year of undergrad to go and I am always stuck as the good-to-be-friends-with-but-don’t-hold-my-hand kinda guy…I don’t know what the problem is. I’m like a blonde version of Zach Braff (about 5 people have told me this). :smiley: I think we just have to be patient and wait for the right girl instead of getting really upset about one girl who doesn’t like us. It will happen eventually or else I am applying for seminary!


#8

[quote=nucatholic]I hear ya brother. I am 21 and havn’t been on a date in about 3 years…I only have one more year of undergrad to go and I am always stuck as the good-to-be-friends-with-but-don’t-hold-my-hand kinda guy…I don’t know what the problem is. I’m like a blonde version of Zach Braff (about 5 people have told me this). :smiley: I think we just have to be patient and wait for the right girl instead of getting really upset about one girl who doesn’t like us. It will happen eventually or else I am applying for seminary!
[/quote]

Perhaps you guys are interested in the type of women who are educated, responsible, goal oriented…if that’s the case, then they have been raised to not allow romance to interfere with their goals.

When I chose a university, Catholic and expensive (no scholarships, but a student loan), there was no way I was going to waste a penny. I focused on my classes, my grades, my job (which I needed in order to pay for gas, insurance, books, clothes, fees, and try to have something set aside to save up for when the loans came due). I was very focused on getting in and out with a degree, after which, the next objective was to get a job, which I did. Once I was in my job, I was able to relax and begin enjoying the prospect of finding a companion. Until then, no way. I was nice to all guys, hung out when I could, attended social events in group settings, but other than that I was just too busy for anything else. When we’re in that mode, it’s great to have people to go to movies with, dances, games - without having to deal with the emotional rollercoaster of a committed relationship. Those are just way too much work to maintain.

Maybe this is what you’re up against as well. These women are focused. Perhaps that’s what makes them so attractive as prospects. But finish your degrees and get job security. Smart girls are looking to see if you’re motivated, goal oriented, and have a bright future ahead. They don’t mind sharing those goals with you but they are leery of guys who want to ride their coat tails. Watch out for the girls who are looking for a free ride, though, too. Once you have the job those will be coming out of the woodworks too.


#9

Girls will never be looking for a free ride with me…I tell them I’m a philosophy major and they turn and run! :wink:


#10

[quote=YinYangMom]Perhaps you guys are interested in the type of women who are educated, responsible, goal oriented…if that’s the case, then they have been raised to not allow romance to interfere with their goals.
[/quote]

This is very true. The love of my life is this way. :slight_smile:

The girls from my college voted me “the person that anyone could talk to about anything”. You could say that I have had the “friend that just happens to be a boy” curse. I never thought about it that way though. I wasn’t really interested in finding a companion. Now though, I am realizing that the friendships that form can become much more with time and self-sacrifice. My girlfriend was the best friend I had for six years before we acknowledged having romantic feelings for each other. Now we are discerning a call to the married state. Life is good.

OP, be patient and don’t rush into anything. Let friendships form naturally. Friendships make a good base for romantic relationships and marriage I’m told.

God bless,

Agricola


#11

[quote=Madaglan] someone I thought liked me told me that she did not have the same feelings for me.

I just don’t understand why she doesn’t have any feelings for me.

So, I’m just wondering why she seems not to like me at all.
[/quote]

She clearly does like you as a person (she wants to be your friend), she is not romantically interested. There is a difference. You are focused on the romantic interest and see her lack of romantic interest as a rejection of you personally. This is not so.

[quote=Madaglan] I know that nobody except her can know for sure, but I am open to suggestions. In a previous thread I posted, the posts seemed to suggest that girls like guys who are mature and nice. In any case, while talking with her, I remember that she once hinted to me about being in the process of discernment, so I wonder if that has anything to do with her reaction. I also wonder if she is looking for someone who is much more outgoing than me (I tend to be somewhat reticent although I like being around people). Maybe I moved too quickly in acting. I knew her for maybe three months at the time. I really thought that she liked me, and since I liked her too, I was somewhat concerned that if I waited too long I would have insulted her by not responding to her.

If people could perhaps help me out, that would be great. She’s a really nice girl and we agreed to continue being friends, although It’s still very hard for me to talk with her without getting somewhat frustrated, since she still smiles at me in a way which I (wrongly) interpret as flirtatious. I don’t know much about girls, and that was the first time I told anyone how I felt about them. So, please excuse me for anything that is out of place. Thanks! :slight_smile:
[/quote]

I think the main thing is that you are trying to focus on why she’s not romantically interested-- as if in finding the source you can change that one thing and then she will like you. I will suggest this is 100% the wrong approach. It could be any of the things you named, or it could be something else entirely.

But, it really doesn’t matter. Your focus should be on being the best **YOU ** possible. The right person **FOR YOU ** will eventually come along. You cannot change you who are, nor should you want to. Your traits, interests, and personality are unique to you. If she didn’t respond to that, then she is simply not the right one FOR YOU, nor are you the right one FOR HER.

It’s hard to see that when you had hopes of a relationship. But, when you do find the one you are naturally compatible to, who has a reciprocal interest, you will see how wrong that girl actually was for you.

I have met many men who I liked just fine, but for whatever reason either they were not for me, or I was not for them. Trying to figure out why is a waste of effort. My husband and I are right for each other and both of us were able to just be ourselves and didn’t have to change anything. We didn’t have to “try”… because each responded to the unique qualities of the other. Things that had been liabilities in other relationships were assets in this one-- that’s how you discern the right person. They are right in every way, and you are right in every way, and no change is necessary (well, except for that picking the clothes up off the floor thing…).


#12

[quote=nucatholic]I hear ya brother. I am 21 and havn’t been on a date in about 3 years…I only have one more year of undergrad to go and I am always stuck as the good-to-be-friends-with-but-don’t-hold-my-hand kinda guy…I don’t know what the problem is. I’m like a blonde version of Zach Braff (about 5 people have told me this). :smiley: I think we just have to be patient and wait for the right girl instead of getting really upset about one girl who doesn’t like us. It will happen eventually or else I am applying for seminary!
[/quote]

DH and I are proof it eventually happens. I am 39, he is 44. We were married in August. First marriage for us both. Neither of us were willing to compromise our faith or values. Both of us wanted to be married but not for the wrong reasons or to the wrong person. And, both of us felt like you-- always the friend, always the one people want to hang out with but not date or marry. When we did date it did not go anywhere… many years of wondering “why”…

Of course, we lived across the country from each other and had to wait until God invented the internet to find each other… but it was worth the years of wondering if it would ever happen.

I certainly hope your wait is not a long one… at least not as long as ours… but the wait is definitely worth it… we are so happy & so perfect for each other. God does give the best to those who serve him faithfully.


#13

[quote=1ke]DH and I are proof it eventually happens. I am 39, he is 44. We were married in August. First marriage for us both. Neither of us were willing to compromise our faith or values. Both of us wanted to be married but not for the wrong reasons or to the wrong person. And, both of us felt like you-- always the friend, always the one people want to hang out with but not date or marry. When we did date it did not go anywhere… many years of wondering “why”…

[/quote]

:thumbsup: Now that is inspirational! Congratulations on finding the love of your life. May you have a long, loving Catholic marriage! :clapping:


#14

Speaking from my own experience as a woman:

Sometimes I’d meet a guy who was just so wonderful for me. A guy who made it clear he was interested in me romantically. But it just wasn’t there for me. It just wasn’t. I can remember thinking to myself, “What is the matter with you? This guy is perfect! Why aren’t you in love with him?” Once I even tried to convince myself I was in love with the guy, but of course this didn’t work and wasn’t fair to either one of us.

Looking back now, I can see that those guys were not what God had in mind for me. He had in mind someone so much better! I had to wait an awfully long time for the right guy (met him when I was 32), but he was worth every second of the wait. We have been married 16 wonderful years and have two terrific daughters that I would have never had if I had forced myself to marry someone else.

What I am saying is that maybe this girl is not the one God has chosen for you. I say leave it in God’s hands. He always wants what’s best for us, and He knows which girl is perfect for you.


#15

It’s kinda like banana cream pie…

a beautiful, fluffy, creamy, delicious, fulfilling delight…unless, of course, your not a fan of bananas. It doesn’t make the pie any less appealing, enticing, delicious or satisfying in and of itself–it’s all a matter of taste to the consumer.

It sounds like your gal is not a fan of bananas, so to speak. Patch your ego and take your wounded heart out into the world, because there is surely some special woman out there who will find you to be the most amazing, exciting and desireable person she has ever encountered. And THAT is the kind of reaction and feeling you want and deserve from someone with whom you share your heart and life!!


#16

Thanks everyone for your advice. :slight_smile:


#17

You go to Steubenville, right? I’ve spent a lot of time at Steubenville because several of my friends go there, and I’ve noticed that many of the girls there are very flirtatous in a superficial sort of way (at least when compared to the girls at my school). So, maybe you’re confusing the “Steubenville girl” personality for romantic attraction…


#18

I totally get your frustration…I am always the best friend/sister to my guy friends. It does suck sometimes.

And here’s something that should make you feel better: I am eighteen years old and never been kissed. The guys that ask me out are mostly way too old for me, in their 30s-50s, since at 6’2 I look older than my age, and the rest just don’t fit my personal standards.

So I’m holding out for that one nice Catholic guy, and I trust God to point me towards him when I meet him.

Try to have patience. I know how hard that is, believe me, but it’s all the advice I have.


#19

[quote=nucatholic]Girls will never be looking for a free ride with me…I tell them I’m a philosophy major and they turn and run! :wink:
[/quote]

:rotfl:

Well, at least you are honest!


closed #20

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