Turn the Other Cheek or Eye for An Eye?


#1

Well, perhaps the 'eye for an eye' does not make so much sense in regard to family matters but I feel like the people I have come across in my past, in my search for support and answers seemed to lean toward this. Basically, I am a single 'child' (I am 30 years old, so hardly a child) and was raised a Catholic to Polish parents. All of my relatives except for two aunts who I am not close to are all in Europe and have been since I came to Canada when I was 6. My father was an alcoholic for most of my life and not a pleasant one (if there are any pleasant alcoholic parents out there). But as I became an adult I learned that my parents were not the godly 'good' Catholics or Christians that they claimed to be and I thought they were. My mother actually works for a Catholic organization and with children (she has a Masters in Child Psychology) but at home, she treats me like I am a piece of garbage-tells me that all I care about is money, does not like to share, has rejected my love many times, she says the Lord's name in vain, and does many other obscure and cruel things. Right now I am living with her (my father is in Europe and has not been drinking for a year or two) as I am looking for work and am dealing with an injury. A while ago she refused to share her oatmeal with me when I ran out of breakfast food (since I am not earning anything right now). On a few occasions, when I had an interview to go to, she upset me so much that I had an emotional breakdown and could not gather myself together to make it-makes me feel really hopeless. Everyone around her treats her like she is everything and I am sort of invisible but no one treats me badly per say, they just don't really care as they do about her. I have tried to move many times but ended up in unhealthy living situaitons (friends who ended up being party animals and smoking dope...just not something I am interested in) and I ended up moving back with her because I just had no where else. She thinks I am evil and treats me that way and I do try to avoid her as much as possible-I have tried to separate myself as much as possible and feel uncomfortable bringing people over (even though she says it's okay) because if I feel uncomfortable here, then I wouldn't anyone else to feel uncomfortable here but all in all my social life and limited. So I am asking for your prayers...I want to move out, be able to pay my student debts and have a normal , quiet and maybe happy life and I would like to find a church that I can go to where she will not be. Right now I don't go to church because this is the church she goes to and like I said, I don't want to share my life with her or that she knows what I am doing...especially that I go to church. Please pray for me...that is all I ask. Thank you and God bless.


#2

Hi,

I am going to be praying for you In Mass this evening. That is not an easy situtation. Continue to grow closer to God and pray much for you mother. She sounds like she could use a lot of prayer too.

However, if I might encourage you to go to Mass. Does the Church have alternative times for Mass that you could attend that your Mom does not attend? Please do not keep yourself from the Sacraments because of this.

If I also might encourage you getting some good spiritual direction. Confession always helps in these circumstances too. Goodness knows I have had to go to Confession because at times I too struggled with certain people and it helped me greatly during these times.

May God give you the peace that you are in need of and may he strengthen you and bless you in all the ways that His Holy Will wishes for you to be blessed.

If you ever need a prayer request or someone to talk to, feel free to PM me. God Bless.


#3

Thank you so so much and I may just take you up on your offer for PMing you. It means a lot to me...I just really don't have many people to talk to whether through my own fault or just life (I know that I am responsible for that though). Best wishes.


#4

Have you looked for a support group like Al-Anon, for those whose lives have been affected by alcoholism? I think someone you can look in the eye and talk to about your trials, someone with a similar path who is maybe a bit farther down the road, could be a big help.

There are not a lot of 30 year olds who are better off living with parents than without, although many are forced into that situation, for better or for worse. Still, I'd think that finding people who can really get to know you and your situation, people you can talk to in person, might be a good thing for you with regards to that problem, as well.

As for "turn the other cheek", that does not mean being a doormat. That means not letting violence against you make you either violent yourself or make you lie down. It is about what some might call "the third way." An "eye for an eye", while it is better than retaliation out of proportion ot the crime, is usually is not taken as being all that even by the receiving side. Most of the time, the "evening up" never stops. Try not to go there.


#5

You have dealt with a lot of hard things in your life. Please don't turn your back on the Catholic Church though. You should use this time to grow closer to God and make acquaintances at the Church. My wife and I have fostered many great friendships with people from our Church. My family will pray for your situation and through some small changes of your own, I believe you will see that the CC is where you need to be. We are called to be Holy and Authentic. If you practice the Catholic Faith that way, you will begin to see people drawn to you.


#6

Thank you. For some time, I did turn away from the church, though I don't exactly understand how it came to that but I got caught up in fundamentalism and the whole messianic movement but I returned to my original Catholic faith recently. Only thing is that I am tryign to move out so that I have the freedom to practise my faith without anxiety. It's just that I would not be able to handle it psychologically if I did bump into my mother in church-I know that there are lots of kind and nice people there (I don't doubt that) and it may be difficult to understand but that is how I feel. Hopefully, soon I will find a better place and I can stay close to the sacraments...it's just every time I try to move out, I end up back here. Seems like perhaps I should just opt for a shelter but I don't know whether my chances would be any better there for getting my life together once and for all. Plus I have not finished my degree, which makes looking for work that could support a family more challenging but I am not giving up, though my biological clock is...well...ticking as well :(. Much love to everyone.


#7

Thank you. For some time, I did turn away from the church, though I don't exactly understand how it came to that but I got caught up in fundamentalism and the whole messianic movement but I returned to my original Catholic faith recently. Only thing is that I am tryign to move out so that I have the freedom to practise my faith without anxiety. It's just that I would not be able to handle it psychologically if I did bump into my mother in church-I know that there are lots of kind and nice people there (I don't doubt that) and it may be difficult to understand but that is how I feel. Hopefully, soon I will find a better place and I can stay close to the sacraments...it's just every time I try to move out, I end up back here. Seems like perhaps I should just opt for a shelter but I don't know whether my chances would be any better there for getting my life together once and for all. Plus I have not finished my degree, which makes looking for work that could support a family more challenging but I am not giving up, though my biological clock is...well...ticking as well :(. Much love to everyone.


#8

It sounds like you may have some anxiety problems that keep you from doing the things that you would like to do. ( I'm not judging but your post says things about being anxious) Do you drive? If so than join another parish separate from your mother. If you aren't working can you do some charity work at least until you find employment. It might help you connect with a better set of friends and lead to new opportunities.

Parents, even catholic ones, aren't perfect. Sometimes it's difficult for two adults to live in the same household, especially a parent and grown child. A little separation time may help you both see each other in a better light.

Best wishes and God bless. You are in my prayers.


#9

Hi,
Thank you. I don’t drive and would not want to take the bus to a church as that would defeat the purpose of keeping the day holy. In terms of my relationship with my mother…I know that no one is perfect ( I know that I am not for sure ) and that no parent is perfect but after moving out many times my relationship with my mother has never improved. She is not a positive person and although I am not perfect I don’t think that I am negative although sometimes I feel like I am dark (it’s what she has told me also). Everything is always about her and my suffering (no matter how menial it may be or how silly I may be) means nothing and I don’t get that geniune heartfelt apology when she upsets me…I honestly hope that if I do get to heaven that I don’t see her there…too much pain and darkness. Thank you so much for your prayers…I do need them. I also keep everyone in my prayers…lots of needy people out there or I should say people in need…suffering much more than I but nevertheless, I think I am feeling stronger since being on this forum and I truly appreciate the support.


#10

[quote="aniavictoria, post:9, topic:242087"]
Hi,
Thank you. I don't drive and would not want to take the bus to a church as that would defeat the purpose of keeping the day holy. In terms of my relationship with my mother...I know that no one is perfect ( I know that I am not for sure ) and that no parent is perfect but after moving out many times my relationship with my mother has never improved. She is not a positive person and although I am not perfect I don't think that I am negative although sometimes I feel like I am dark (it's what she has told me also). Everything is always about her and my suffering (no matter how menial it may be or how silly I may be) means nothing and I don't get that geniune heartfelt apology when she upsets me...too much pain and darkness. Thank you so much for your prayers... I think I am feeling stronger since being on this forum and I truly appreciate the support.

[/quote]


#11

Dear Aniavictoria, I am so sorry for your pain. No one should be treated as you are. I will definitely pray for you. You sound like a very special and precious girl. God bless you!
Believe me most mothers would not treat a sweet daughter like you this way. My heart is broken for you. Pray to Our Blessed Mother for she is always with you, even though your mother is not. It seems to me that she suffers from a form of misery brought on my her alcoholic husband. I will keep you in my prayers from this day!:signofcross:


#12

Its nice to read your words of comfort…every day is tough. I am trying to take small steps day by day to be independent. Most of the time I feel disappointed with many relatives and people…I don’t want to blame anyone for my failures or circumstance but other people also have a choice if they want to be my friend or enemy. It’s too bad when someone chooses to be an enemy. It turns out that when it comes to my mothers problems, I am always the one to blame. I don’t even think that she would recognize if I had a brain tumor (like if my personality changed or something) because she just doesn’t know me. She does not appear to be suffering on the outside though. Believe me, she has a social life and appears outgoing and friendly BUT not to me :(. She thinks that I am too old to be nice to and that I am a drama queen when I am being emotional or angry (not agressive, more upset by her) just because I once worked in movies and was pursuing an acting career. Am so sick of this. I have some money that I am supposed to be paying back to the government (it was a student loan) but I am tempted to use it to rent out a room in the city and look for work intensively…at least I’d have the peace of mind when doing so. The fear I have is that it won’t work out and I will end up coming back to my mother’s place…unless I just go to shelter. I am not sure what to do :S. God Bless.


#13

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