Two questions from post-vasectomy husband


#1

Quick background: I had a vasectomy several years ago after having three wonderful kids. My wife and I both decided we did not want more kids and agreed that this was the best option for us. We were both born/raised Catholic but while did not understand/follow the Catholic church's teachings on everything (obviously). I heard "Catholic Answers Live" on the radio a few times and have since been reading a lot more on what the Church teaches and why.

I've learned from these forums in the "Ask an apologist" section that I am not required to get my vasectomy reversed but simply confess that I had it and it is forgiven.

With that understanding, my first question is, Since I am no longer able to have "open to life" sex, do I still have to "finish" in my wife if she and I don't want to sometimes. I ask because no matter how/where it ends, I am unable to have open to life intercourse.

Sorry for the "adult" topic, I tried to word it as best I could as to not offend anyone.

Second question: Knowing now what the church teaches and why concerning contraceptives/vasectomy I know I should not have gotten one. I never understood the reasoning behind the rule and at the time I did not look into it. My issue is now that the vasectomy is done AND my knowledge of the Church teachings is more complete I still do not regret having it. I think given the choice again I would not have such an easy decision. I would pray on it a lot more and I think I would choose not to have it but bottom line is I'm still glad I can't have more kids. I recognize the selfishness in this and that it is not right. I feel like I'm doing something wrong because of this. I'm not sure that there is really an answer to this but I'm just looking for some other people's insight or opinions, especially if someone else has gone through this and felt similarly.


#2

[quote="limabeanerson, post:1, topic:200814"]
Quick background: I had a vasectomy several years ago after having three wonderful kids. My wife and I both decided we did not want more kids and agreed that this was the best option for us. We were both born/raised Catholic but while did not understand/follow the Catholic church's teachings on everything (obviously). I heard "Catholic Answers Live" on the radio a few times and have since been reading a lot more on what the Church teaches and why.

I've learned from these forums in the "Ask an apologist" section that I am not required to get my vasectomy reversed but simply confess that I had it and it is forgiven.

With that understanding, my first question is, Since I am no longer able to have "open to life" sex, do I still have to "finish" in my wife if she and I don't want to sometimes. I ask because no matter how/where it ends, I am unable to have open to life intercourse.

Sorry for the "adult" topic, I tried to word it as best I could as to not offend anyone.

Second question: Knowing now what the church teaches and why concerning contraceptives/vasectomy I know I should not have gotten one. I never understood the reasoning behind the rule and at the time I did not look into it. My issue is now that the vasectomy is done AND my knowledge of the Church teachings is more complete I still do not regret having it. I think given the choice again I would not have such an easy decision. I would pray on it a lot more and I think I would choose not to have it but bottom line is I'm still glad I can't have more kids. I recognize the selfishness in this and that it is not right. I feel like I'm doing something wrong because of this. I'm not sure that there is really an answer to this but I'm just looking for some other people's insight or opinions, especially if someone else has gone through this and felt similarly.

[/quote]

Yes, you are still required to "finish inside your wife". Your bodies must speak the sacramental meaning of your union even if there is infertility.

Keep working on your contrition. You are a work in progress.


#3

Yes, you must still ‘finish’ in your wife. And this would be an act open to life, even though the possibility is remote. There are quite a few women in my due date community on another board whose pregnancies were a surprise gift after a sterilization procedure (some of them, years after the fact). Short of a complete hysterectomy, these things are not 100%. Just something to consider.


#4

Hi OP,

Regarding "finishing properly"....in doing so, you would still be giving yourself completely to your wife to the best of your ability, even though you have been sterilized.

God bless you!


#5

I think you are making a lot of progress in just recognizing what you did was wrong even if you don’t feel 100% remorse for it. I know there is a lot of sacrifice involved in raising children and tons of financial stress and time constraints. But don’t focus on these things; offer them up as a sacrifice to God. Focus on how much love your children have brought into your life and maybe how you are missing out on even more love by limiting the number of children you have. Once you start to change your way of thinking from the practical side of raising children to the spiritual side of raising children, you may start to feel some remorse for your sin. Thank God every day for the children you do have and the love they bring you. Even if it something small like them hugging you when you get home from work; thank God for that!

P.S. I would like to echo the OP. I have known several couples who got pregnant after sterilization procedures (tubal litigations and vasectomies) so it is not completely out of the realm to get pregant again. Highly unlikely, but not impossible.


#6

[quote="limabeanerson, post:1, topic:200814"]
With that understanding, my first question is, Since I am no longer able to have "open to life" sex, do I still have to "finish" in my wife if she and I don't want to sometimes. I ask because no matter how/where it ends, I am unable to have open to life intercourse.

[/quote]

Yes, you do. To do otherwise is to purposely disorder the marital embrace, which is a sin against God.

[quote="limabeanerson, post:1, topic:200814"]

Second question: Knowing now what the church teaches and why concerning contraceptives/vasectomy I know I should not have gotten one. I never understood the reasoning behind the rule and at the time I did not look into it. My issue is now that the vasectomy is done AND my knowledge of the Church teachings is more complete I still do not regret having it. I think given the choice again I would not have such an easy decision. I would pray on it a lot more and I think I would choose not to have it but bottom line is I'm still glad I can't have more kids. I recognize the selfishness in this and that it is not right. I feel like I'm doing something wrong because of this. I'm not sure that there is really an answer to this but I'm just looking for some other people's insight or opinions, especially if someone else has gone through this and felt similarly.

[/quote]

Keep praying and studying. God is calling you to grow in holiness. It's not the easy path, but it is the right path.


#7

Thanks to everyone who responded.

I was quite worried that my wife would be upset with my desire to follow the Churches teachings on this subject all the time. I talked to her about both the Open to life completion and what would happen if for some reason we discovered I was once again fertile.

I was pleasantly surprised to find she was very supportive of both the Open to life finishing, and to accept whatever God throws our way in regard to my fertility (not that I expect to become fertile again). What a blessing to have such a great and understanding wife! She is following my lead in learning more about the Church and wanting to grow our families devotion to God and the Church!!

Its amazing how God is blessing me in ways I did not even realize I wanted to be blessed!!

Thanks again to everyone!


#8

I just joined this site and was contemplating the asking of several questions when I came across this post by limabeanerson. The answers pertained to the same basic questions that I was going to ask. Thank you all.


#9

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