Two steps forward, one freaking ugly step back!

I know someone is going to show up on this thread and say something about how it’s a woman’s body, she can do whatever, there’s no need to feel ashamed, etc etc ad nausium. Please don’t. I’m upset and ranting and unhappy and I feel that my feelings are legitimate in light of how I was raised and what I want to be, a good Catholic. I’m upset, and I don’t believe it’s proper to trample on the heart of an unhappy person, so please, don’t try to turn this political. I don’t want it. For those of you tempted to do so anyway, think of it this way - you can show you’re a moral person by respecting the wishes of an OP. Thank you.

Now, back to my rant:


To quote Charlie Brown.

I have behaved myself for almost three full months! Hands off since the end of August! I’ve been working on being patient and thoughtful, trying to pray more, and because I was dumb enough to pick up a book in the “paranormal romance” section of my local Half-Price books, I shattered my no-masturbation record!

Peeved me off to no end! I don’t have the necessary patience to overcome bodily discomfort. I’m a failure, and I so ticked off with myself. AND to add insult to injury, it was midnight Saturday, so I can’t go to confession and help God yell at my stupid self until some time later this week, meaning I have to miss Communion when I go to Mass today!!!

I had a complete and total breakdown between my sensibilities and my intellect and I’m annoyed because my sensibilities are still hyper-charged and my brain wants to take a sledgehammer to the rest of me.

I almost (Thank you Lord that I didn’t) broke down and started visiting the same old websites - Literotica and such. I didn’t, but I did start trolling for blogs that I should’ve stayed away from, that didn’t help and only added fuel to the fire. The only good thing is that I stopped before I did start seeing the wrong websites.

At the gym I go to, one of their mottos is that two steps forward and one step back will still get you there in the long run. Maybe slower. I’m trying to take this to heart, but at the same time I’m upset because until I go to Confession I have this stain, and even though I’ve been praying the Act of Contrition, and I’m angry with myself, I don’t know that if I die before I make to Confession, I’ll be forgiven. I feel like the kid who ate her mom’s bake sale cookies and has left a dozen notes saying it and apologizing for it - not good enough until you talk face to face, but at least the parent has a head’s up.

Le sigh.

Okay, so it’s time to start the tripodometer up again and head on out to Church. No Communion. Bah. I’ll survive, I guess, but I’m not happy. :bighanky:

If you didn’t sin, you wouldn’t be human.

Just like the rest of us. :thumbsup: Hang in there.

You sweet thing! Not sure how old you are, but your articulate post has me thinking that you’re wise beyond your years.

So you fell. Don’t we all? I can tell by your words that this is really bugging you, so maybe can you give your priest a call for a confession by appointment?

Christ died for all of us who sin even though He knew that we would continue to sin. Know the mercy and love of God. He knows your love and yours is minute compared to His. However sad you are now, His mercy is infinitely greater. God is with you always even in those times of weakness. He doesn’t say, “I’ll pay attention to her and continue to love her only after she goes to confession.” No. He loves you now. Your contrition is known now. Our refraining from the Eucharist when we are in mortal sin (if indeed you are) is for us, not Him. It’s a time of reflection and is not necessarily all that bad when seen in the big picture. If you play music you know that there are rests in a piece of music. Those moments of silence allow you to appreceiate the notes even more. Music with all notes would sound like meshed noise and music with all rests would cease to exist.

The Sacrament of Reconciliation is the ordinary way for our mortal sins to be forgiven. And we must utilize this most healing sacrament as it is an encounter with Christ Himself. But also know that God never stops hearing your prayers or knowing your heart. Give Him the chance to be who He is. He made you with all of your weaknesses and He knows your struggles and the temptations that are out there. He also knows your strengths and your holiness. Satan would love nothing more than to have you feel like God abandoned you. That becomes his playground where he can lure you to be with him.

Be still and know that I am God…

God Bless…teachccd :slight_smile:

Sorry you are going through this Tabsie. Been there. Probably will be again. Hang in there and keep doing what you are doing with the prayer , contrition and resolve to get to confession. I’ll off an intention for you at Mass in an hour.

I’m 31, going on 32 in April. I don’t know if I’m wise so much as I have good comprehension skills and I can learn fast.

It’s not so much that I mind being human, it’s that I want so badly to be in more control of myself. It’s a struggle, and I hate that sometimes physical can override mental.

And I miss Communion. I have a special personal devotion to the Sacred Blood. I am aware that Christ is fully present in both the Body and the Blood, but the mental images I get, well… someone once put it this way. Accepting the Blood at Communion is like standing before the Cross and accepting the blood and water that came from Jesus’ side after death.

That and the image of the Crucifixion itself are what drive me. Not just the nails in His hands and feet, but the torment of slowly dying. The absolute exhaustion that constant pain brings, the sting of flies on the skin and being unable to sweep them away. The feel of your flesh burning under a hot son, the ache in bones stretched too far and wide. The whip of wind streaking across injured skin. And the weight, the weight, the weight of all shame and crime and poverty and pain, hanging around you like a chain on your neck. The utter lonliness of having God turn His back on you in that last moment. And imagine how hard, the weight of the sins of those who don’t get it and who plunge down anyway, in spite of what you’re going through.

I know my sins aren’t huge in the long run and that I’m sorry for committing them, but nothing churns the stomach like that image.

If I didn’t have the Resurrection to look forward to, the Cross would sink me. As it is, at least I have the Cross to look at to understand why the universe doesn’t revolve around me. When I do something willfully wrong, it hurts someone else. I don’t have the humility I should but I want it. I want to be humble enough to always remember the Cross.

Sometimes I feel like I’m such a failure, because I don’t always remember. I get caught up in the world and yes, it’s fun and exciting and I’m glad to be here, but I ought to think about my actions and be responsible for them.

And I want to be contrite. Sometimes I’m not but I want to be, because I want the same thing from others - to have someone own up to his actions if he hurts me, pay restitution, and try to do better in the future. If I can’t be like that, no one else will be, either. Even if I don’t succeed, I have to make the effort.


I once read an explanation of the difference between a saint and a sinner. They both fall into the mud hole of sin from time to time. The sinner lies there moaning “Why me”. The saint picks himself up, dusts himself off [in confession] and goes on with his journey.

I think there is some truth there.

Yes, you can focus on the crucifixion to remind yourself of what Christ went through for us but you must also know that the crucifixion was where God exhibits infinite mercy and infinite justice.

Jesus does not want you to remain in your sins and beat yourself up. He did that for you already, as you explained.

We are ALL sinners and we all fall. Yes, I visit the confessional quite regularly and it’s not to just receive the sacramental graces but to confess those ugly sins that I fall back into.

Yes, my friend, we all wish to be in full control of our every thought, word and deed. But, in fact, we are not because we are human and temptation will win sometimes.

Don’t be so hard on yourself. I hope that you read my post above. God loves you with all of your faults and failures. You love God and want to please Him. He knows that. Let Him be God. Let Him be Love. Know that Jesus died that horrendous death so that you can have eternal life without having to go through what He did. Turn to Him and place your struggles in His hands. Keep praying for strength and never, ever give up.

God Bless you and you are in my prayers as I hope that I am in yours…teachccd :slight_smile:

So now you know to stay away from those books…:wink:

The utter lonliness of having God turn His back on you in that last moment.

God never turned His back on Jesus, and He won’t turn His back on you. Jesus was quoting the first line of Psalm 22, knowing that every Jew there would “get it.”

Go read it, and take hope! Check out Psalm 51, too. My “carry” Bible opens to it; I always read it before Confession.

God bless you,


Jesus does NOT want you to feel this way Tab.
He said: Go in PEACE and sin no more.
Get up… act like it did not happen.


Firstly, let me say that I struggle with the same sin as you. Secondly, It that I feel the exact same way you do friend! I fell too, and boy was I angry at myself! I seriously just felt like hitting everything in my way(and I did hit a few things actually). I was Incredibly angry. Let me say that I had never been so angry in my life at anyone as I was that day.And just like you, I too had a breakdown, except I’m sorry to say that I did look at “impure Images”. It only added fuel to the fire and It further angered me.
Then, it saddened me…
I’m also sorry to say that I haven’t had as good of a track record as you either… But then I realized that I should be more patient with myself. It seems I am way to harsh with myself. I am very kind and patient when it come to treating others. But when it comes to myself, I’m way too harsh. I don’t know why, but you know, how can we love through hate right? So I’ve decided to be more patient with myself. If I fall, I pray that I may be forgiven(and go to confession of course). And I should pray more also.

So just hang in there, as I am desperately trying too do, and pray and go to confession as soon as possible.

May God Bless you so you may overcome your struggle. Amen.

May I ask, do you realy ask for forgivness ( I think you do) then is our God not a God of “Mercy” who wishes for those sheep who fall to come back to Him and will He not accept them with open armes? Of corse He will, after all He is Love Him self

I feel like the kid who ate her mom’s bake sale cookies and has left a dozen notes saying it and apologizing for it - not good enough until you talk face to face, but at least the parent has a head’s up.
You say you are going to Mass then at mass at the begining don’t you ask for forgivness and is that not what you wish for.
I believe that you have come to community ( CAF) and spoken of your sin and am now asking for forgivness. Then it is up to the community to forgive. And so I for one tell you I forgive but firstly I ask Jesus to forgive me for my sins before asking for forgivness for others. ( I take the log from my own eye before looking at the splinter in yours).

Le sigh.

Okay, so it’s time to start the tripodometer up again and head on out to Church. No Communion. Bah. I’ll survive, I guess, but I’m not happy. :bighanky:

Be at peace, you are a daughter of God most High.

Anger at oneself for sin and admitting one’s fault is the beginning of conversion :slight_smile: (I read that in the Bible somewhere)

Hmmm, so you like books. How about reading spiritual books, like the works of the Church Fathers?

There’s also the Diary of Saint Faustina.

If you’re into video games, there’s a great site I know of where you can play some classic games:!

A devotion to the Virgin Mary - such as praying the rosary or wearing the Miraculous Medal - is an excellent way to combat impurity.

A devotion to the Virgin Mary - such as praying the rosary or wearing the Miraculous Medal - is an excellent way to combat impurity

What is a miraculous medal, and where can I get one? While I know there is no magic guarentee against sin, there are some things - sacramentals, scapulars, etc. that can help as (some of us) battle with habitual sin. I will take whatever help I can get.


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