I know someone is going to show up on this thread and say something about how it’s a woman’s body, she can do whatever, there’s no need to feel ashamed, etc etc ad nausium. Please don’t. I’m upset and ranting and unhappy and I feel that my feelings are legitimate in light of how I was raised and what I want to be, a good Catholic. I’m upset, and I don’t believe it’s proper to trample on the heart of an unhappy person, so please, don’t try to turn this political. I don’t want it. For those of you tempted to do so anyway, think of it this way - you can show you’re a moral person by respecting the wishes of an OP. Thank you.
Now, back to my rant:
To quote Charlie Brown.
I have behaved myself for almost three full months! Hands off since the end of August! I’ve been working on being patient and thoughtful, trying to pray more, and because I was dumb enough to pick up a book in the “paranormal romance” section of my local Half-Price books, I shattered my no-masturbation record!
Peeved me off to no end! I don’t have the necessary patience to overcome bodily discomfort. I’m a failure, and I so ticked off with myself. AND to add insult to injury, it was midnight Saturday, so I can’t go to confession and help God yell at my stupid self until some time later this week, meaning I have to miss Communion when I go to Mass today!!!
I had a complete and total breakdown between my sensibilities and my intellect and I’m annoyed because my sensibilities are still hyper-charged and my brain wants to take a sledgehammer to the rest of me.
I almost (Thank you Lord that I didn’t) broke down and started visiting the same old websites - Literotica and such. I didn’t, but I did start trolling for blogs that I should’ve stayed away from, that didn’t help and only added fuel to the fire. The only good thing is that I stopped before I did start seeing the wrong websites.
At the gym I go to, one of their mottos is that two steps forward and one step back will still get you there in the long run. Maybe slower. I’m trying to take this to heart, but at the same time I’m upset because until I go to Confession I have this stain, and even though I’ve been praying the Act of Contrition, and I’m angry with myself, I don’t know that if I die before I make to Confession, I’ll be forgiven. I feel like the kid who ate her mom’s bake sale cookies and has left a dozen notes saying it and apologizing for it - not good enough until you talk face to face, but at least the parent has a head’s up.
Okay, so it’s time to start the tripodometer up again and head on out to Church. No Communion. Bah. I’ll survive, I guess, but I’m not happy. :bighanky: