Prayers for you & your wife. Infertility is a very painful journey. I have been dealing with infertility issues for 8+ years now. In that time my husband and I have been fortunate to have two children, but now we have been waiting & praying for #3 for over 2 years. It never gets easier.
I know how your wife feels. I find it very difficult to discuss infertility and the pain I go through directly with others. Luckily, I found an online group many years ago that is for Catholic women going through infertility. It is found through yahoo and the group address health.groups.yahoo.com/group/catholic-fertility/
A few years ago, the group moderators asked me to help moderate the group and it has been a real blessing in my infertility journey to pray with and get the support and knowledge of other women going through infertility. Would your wife be interested in joining our group? Sometimes the anonymity of the internet helps deal with the infertility journey where talking about it in “real life” is too painful.
We also now have a spin-off group specifically for those who feel called to adoption. When/if your wife feels comfortable discussing the process of adoption, she would be welcome to join that group as well!
There are two things that our group has really discerned over the years regarding infertility and adoption. The first is that adoption does not cure infertility. There is no cure for infertility, even for those who eventually go on to have children. The lingering stress and pain from the years of infertility do not go away. This is true for adoption as well, which is what you were saying in your first post. There is, maybe not for everyone a grieving process, but a mindset transformation. It’s not something that you can push or coerce, it has to come in its own time.
The second thing we have discerned is that adoption is a calling, a vocation. It can be so hurtful for infertile couples to hear, “Oh, you can always just adopt”, as if children are just interchangable. Adoption is a special calling from God, not just a next step in the infertility journey. I really think that you have to discern if adoption is right for you and if it is what God is asking of you.
It sounds like your wife is not yet ready to discern that call from God. I know that is frustrating for you. What you need to do is to pray for her and for both of you, ask God to send you His wisdom so you can discern what is the next right step for you.
If it is so painful for your wife to discuss the subject, could you try an email conversation? It may sound silly, but it might be easier for her to type her feelings than discuss them face to face. You might also give her some advanced warning, like: “Honey, I would really like to discuss the subject of adoption with you. This is very important to me. I know it’s hard for you to talk about, so I want you to think about it and I would like to set up a time to talk about it on (this date). We will only talk for about 10 minutes and if it gets too difficult then we can stop and try again the next day.” That way hopefully it won’t be too overwhelming for her.
If she is simply not in the same place that you are regarding adoption, but you are really feeling God’s call, then I would pray for your wife to open her heart to adoption. Invoke St. Joseph and ask for him to pray for your wife. And then have patience. Some of the women on our email list have prayed for years for their husbands to become open to adoption and many hearts have turned thanks to those prayers.
God bless you both. I hope God will help guide you and give you comfort on this journey!