Unbalanced sister/abusive to her kids


#1

Hi,
We really need some good advice!
One of my sisters seems mentally unbalanced. She is 31 & is married with 3 boys-4, 6 & 8. She has always, since childhood, been histrionic and difficult. Since she was a teen, there has been turmoil due to her lies, deceits and sabatoge. This type of manipulation through her rages and attacks have gone on since then.In the last 2 yrs, she has verbally abused my parents terribly on occasions…throwing things and cursing in front of her kids, my kids- I and other siblings have experienced the bizarre behavior and walk on egg-shells.
Last weekend, we had all the siblings together-all nine of us and spouses and kids. One of the brothers recently quit drinking and of course she took badly to that and tried to break him by plying him with alcohol. She always has berated and yelled at her kids, she has gotten very negative and argumentative and frankly paranoid. She is constantly saying we all hate her kids!!! She abused her own body first with food and alcohol, perscription drugs, got a gastric bypass, made them give her a hysterectomy (told them what they needed to hear-LPN training), had her gall-bladder removed…it is like those who do cutting to themselves-she has organs taken out. She is loud, obnoxious and very angry. She tells outrageous lies and tries to pit people against each other. She tells us her husband hates us all and we haven’t seen him since the funeral for Dad and so we assume he hears we hate him.
We love our sister!! She is in deep trouble. She tells her sweet little boys, right in front of us all, that we all hate them!!! We jumped all over her and said, “Why are you lying to them!We love you boys!Don’t listen to your Mom about that!!” She retorts by claiming her 6 yr old told her he overheard us saying we hate them…to which he piped up, “No, I didn’t Mommy” and she got mad at him. She was driven home against her will that night.On Sunday, mom happened to turn on her phone. It was three messages from a little guy who said, “Daddy, I’m sorry for bothering you, don’t be mad, I’m so scared, Mommy won’t wake up and I don’t know what to do, please help me, Daddy.” Right away I knew those three frantic messages were from my sister’s child, the eldest 8. My brother called her and she answered. My Mom was worried it was a child somewhere in trouble…and it didn’t show up who called on her ancient phone. At the station they got the info and it was my sister’s child and the call was made the night before. That obviously my sister had the listing “Dad” on her phone & the boy thought it meant his Dad, not our deceased Dad.
My mom finally decided to confront her on this behavior that is so hurtful to her children: She had her listen to the messages and all she did was laugh about it. Oh, she erased Mom’s messages too after she listed to them. My mother said, “Look and consider what you are doing to your children!” My sister just went the predictable ballistic blaming Mom & raging about Mom making a police report was going to far (Mom assured her it wasn’t the case) and sister went on screaming about how she’d lose her job…that her husband would be calling Mom (thinking to scare Mom, I guess) and vowing: "That’s it, I’m done with this family forever…you will never see or hear from me again!!"
A half an hour later she is calling Mom shouting, "So, how did this police thing happen?!! What time was this? and she gave a bunch of new excuses saying that her husband WAS home at the time and it was him that couldn’t be awakened…She threatened Mom again with, “Hubby” is going to be so mad at you…he’ll probably call you and you won’t like it! You better let this drop!"
Mom calmly said, “Yes, I do want to speak with him. Have him call me.” She abruptly hung up.
What do we do? Had it been just her and husband, I’d leave them to stew in their own disfunction. But, those innocent kids are being verbally & emotionally abused!
I have four kids 10-15yrs at home and they have been party to this psycho behavior when she comes around. We homeschool so she had interrupted us when she comes over in the day. I would actually think the best thing for my family is if she doesn’t come here until she is “better” but my parents live here/now just Mom and I felt it wasn’t right to deprive them of Dad since he was bedridden for months here.Mom is a new widow and is very emotional and she has decided to wash her hands of her disturbed daughter. I do not know if that is a good idea because of these grandkids, who need help.
My sister is so unbalanced I do not trust her. What if she hurts them or kills them drinking and driving? How do we know how they are doing if we don’t see them? If I try to intervene or hotline her she will assume it is us and retaliate…
HELP!!!
Mograce


#2

Can you contact her husband directly?


#3

It is time to contact children’s protective services; do NOT hesitate to do this.


#4

Pray and contact Catholic Social Services. They may be able to help her get counseling. Also, have you tried talking with her husband?


#5

Put that in 72-point bold face type!

When I read the first sentence, I knew she was a drinker and probably a drug addict.

I saw my own SIL in her – only she does not have children (thank you, Lord!).

I once consulted a social worker about what my husband and I could do for her, since we are her only family. I was told that there is NOTHING you can do if a person is not endangering herself or others.

This woman IS a danger to others: those three children. Call the cops. Do whatever it takes to get those kids out of there.

Get out the heavy artillery and take charge. This has already gone too far.

No promises she makes, nothing she says about any misunderstandings you may all have about her can be taken seriously. These people are pathological liars.


#6

Along with calling the authorities, I think you and your mom should document everything that has happened with your sister. Possibly see an attorney about filing for custody of these kids.


#7

Do not hesitate in contacting social services. Forget trying to protect your sister. Those children are the ones in need of help.

I have a sister who was very similar. She chose to continue drinking instead of taking her prescribed medications to control her emotional outbursts. Thankkfully her children are older and now out of the house.

There were times they lived with me and I sometimes think that is the only peaceful times they had. They are emotionally scarred from my sisters behavior.

The best way for you all to love your sister is to treat her children well.

Your sister needs to decide for herself what path she will take.

You all will be in my prayers.


#8

In addition to calling CSS, call an exorcist. She sounds possessed.


#9

Thanks for the advice!

As you can imagine, it is difficult to decide what to do.
There is really no proof to all this. It would be her word against ours. Her husband is aloof to us probably due to the lies she has told him. After one “episode” of hers, I did corner him and say things to him so that he would get a better picture of what really happened as opposed to her lies. He contuinued to blow it off, saying “Oh, she is just stressed out. It’ll pass. Everything will be fine.” So, I’m pretty sure he will make any excuses for her he needs to in order to keep them out of trouble. He’ll just claim he was there the whole time when his son made those sad calls.

So, I think we will go ahead and keep a log…and pray…and…

WHERE CAN I FIND AN EXORCIST? Loved that suggestion! My sister doesn’t practice her faith and lies about going to church etc. She has her boys baptized but they don’t go to catholic school or anything…

I was thinking about calling the other grandma, who weilds power over her son, according to my sister, anyway. Maybe let her in on all this. She acts weird around us too, so I’m sure the horrible things we have been told about her mirror the horrible things she’s been told about us, so I don’t know if she would feel comfortable with it.

Seriously, my mother had not been the best mom, and she is now finally admitting and suffering for her mistakes, poor mom! She was very self-focused and now she had been finally healing when all this has to happen!

Prayers, please.


#10

Ask yourself this question: How would you feel if something happened to the kids and you did nothing?

It is your responsibility to contact Children’s Services and tell them what is going on.

Kathy


#11

Mograce, everyone here has given you excellent advice. I just want to add, from the perspective of someone who had a mother just like your sister, please do anything to get those kids out of that environment any time you can.

Even if you cannot gain custody, offer to babysit often, and have other family members do the same. If your sister is anything like my mom, she will claim that she needs to be with her kids and therefore cannot get the help she needs to get clean. Assure her that you are not taking her kids from her, you just want to take them out for a while for some fun… whatever you need to do to get them out of there.

I can still remember how angry I was at our extended family for always staying away and leaving my sister and I to deal with our mom every day for years… I also remember how eternally grateful I was when an older couple from our church offered to let us stay with them on a night when things were particularly bad. Those kids have already suffered incredibly, seeing their mom passed out… probably thinking she was dead… do anything you can to keep it from happening again. Prayers for everyone involved in this situation. :gopray2: :signofcross:


#12

It is not difficult to decide. It is difficult to do.
There is really no proof to all this.You at least have the voice mails from your nephew – when he called “dad” – as evidence.

It would be her word against ours. Her husband is aloof to us probably due to the lies she has told him. After one “episode” of hers, I did corner him and say things to him so that he would get a better picture of what really happened as opposed to her lies. He contuinued to blow it off, saying “Oh, she is just stressed out. It’ll pass. Everything will be fine.” So, I’m pretty sure he will make any excuses for her he needs to in order to keep them out of trouble. He’ll just claim he was there the whole time when his son made those sad calls.

He’s a typical denier/facilitator. And if he was there and did not respond to the children, he is a bigger part of the problem than he admits. If you call social services, and they dismiss the case, you will at least have begun a paper trail if anything ever happens again. Some people need a REALLY big wake-up call.

So, I think we will go ahead and keep a log…and pray…and…

DEFINITELY a good idea. And save those phone tapes.

WHERE CAN I FIND AN EXORCIST? Loved that suggestion! My sister doesn’t practice her faith and lies about going to church etc. She has her boys baptized but they don’t go to catholic school or anything…

First protect the children. She’s not going to let an exorcist into the house, even if you can convince the diocese (through your paster) to send one in. Chances are that it would also diminish your credibility with social services. Even the Church requires that all ordinary means be attempted before you get out the heavy spiritual artillery.

[qipte\I was thinking about calling the other grandma, who weilds power over her son, according to my sister, anyway. Maybe let her in on all this. She acts weird around us too, so I’m sure the horrible things we have been told about her mirror the horrible things she’s been told about us, so I don’t know if she would feel comfortable with it.
[/quote]If you do this, don’t put anything in writing. If you have a lawyer, you might want to speak with him or her before launching this crusade. Things have a way of turning on the Samaritan.

Seriously, my mother had not been the best mom, and she is now finally admitting and suffering for her mistakes, poor mom! She was very self-focused and now she had been finally healing when all this has to happen!

Prayers, please.

Prayer ascending. Your compassion for your mother is admirable. But frankly, she is not your problem. Besides, your sister’s behavior probably is not a result of poor mothering. My SIL is exactly the same and my MIL was the BEST mother/MIL/human being who ever lived. Some people just ARE this way.


#13

First Pray.

Then call Child Protective Services, maybe called Child and Youth Services. Whoever answers the phone can direct you to the right people. You can do this anonomously! *All they will do is send somebody to the home after opening a file on this family, and they are professionals who are trained to look for certain things and they will be able to determine if something is not quite right in the family.

If they find something wrong, they can order the mom into AA or NA to deal with an addiction if there is one. If there is just poor parenting, they can order parenting classes. If there is nothing wrong, better to be safe than sorry, right?

But it sounds like the children are in an abusive home and you have to - HAVE TO - be their advocate. They cannot or will not speak for themselves - YOU HAVE TO SPEAK FOR THEM and help to PROTECT THE INNOCENT! Their wellbeing is more important than your relationship with your sister.

In the meantime, are you or your parents in a position to allow the children to live with you until your sister gets the help that she needs? States are very willing to grant temporary custody to family members while biological parents seek treatements that they need.

Also, you should keep very good records of every single little thing - each time you see your sister and hurtful things she does or says. You can also write down things you remember she has done in the past. The court will consider all of this if you decide to try to take custory from her.

On a personal note, I helped my lifelong best friend’s parents get temporary custody of her children when I learned of a drug addiction that she had developed. I thought it might end our friendship. It didn’t. Once she was forced to face the truth, she placed herself in a treatement program. It took 3 attempts but she has been “clean” for 3 years now, and she thanks me now for forcing her to re-evalutate her decisions and change her lifestyle.

Your sister may not have any addiction, but she may have a psychological disorder that medication can help.

God Bless you and your parents as you seek to determine the best action to take to help these innocent children. You are in my prayers as are the children!


#14

Alot of the behaviors you described are typical histrionic pd, but some of them sound more like a drug induced paranoia to me, but I am not a doctor. I would try to get her medical help and take her boys in while she is getting treatment… an imposition yes, but it is family and they need someone to take care of the kids. She can be admitted against her will if the police or authorities believe she is a threat to herself or others for up to 72 hours pending an exam. That may be what it takes. I would prayerfully consider who in your family cn take the boys in while mom gets help. It is so much harder to get your kids back once they are in protective services custody.


#15

My sister is the same way. My niece finally moved in with me when she was eighteen but she is scarred for life. Now she doesn’t even want to talk to her own mom, my sister. My other niece who is nine begged not to go home after this summer but she had to eventually. I take comfort in the thought that she does have a responsible dad at least.
I would call CPS on your sister. It is the best thing you could do for those children who are innocent and who are being subjected to at least verbal and emotional abuse.


#16

Don’t forget that calling CPS can be the start of setting this mother on the road to recovery.


#17

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