uncommon request

Hello all,

          I could write a book about my situation, my worldview, how I never felt at home, happy and secure in this world (not because Heaven is my home or that there is a God-shaped hole in my heart, but simply because I don't have genes or luck on my side). Life can be awesome depending on what you are born with. I'm an abysmal failure, I'm a nervous wreck, lonely as hell yet afraid to let people near me lest they don't like what they see (what I truly am) and reject me. I have nothin gin the way of self-esteem, self-confidence, I've always seen myself as a joke waiting to be exposed. God allowed me to be born and expereince the bitterness of my life and I'm afraid I strongly resent him for that, and that fact alone rules him out as a credible and worthy ear ("I let such and such happen when I could have easily stopped it, now, dearest friend. tell me how what I let happen detroyed your life").   

What destroyed me as a human being is all located between my ears, ADHD, anxiety, hypersensitivity, being prone to depression, no learning capacity to speak of, fear that people will realize I’m an immature dimwit etc. I always knew that my life was going to be tough, that I’d see the gifted people around get the breaks, that I’d be working boring, physically exhausting minimal wages while others my age would go on luxure cruises and travel the world. Now I had a kid some years ago, I stupidly believed the scripture about being “wonderfully and fearfully made”, I didn’t know that it essentially means having a soul, now my kid is an almost exact replica of myself : nervous, very shy, ADHD, learning capacity of a bird, anxious, has very few frinds, doesn’t connect easily with people, is seen as weird by some etc. In other words, God wanted my misery to extend for many more generations. Living for me is a torment. Forget about having a moderately good looking an decent woman a s a companion, forget about having a menainful and well-paying job thta ( could be proficient in, essentially forget about dreams if my dream isn’t to become a victim soul, in which case, God wouldn’t take years to sit back and think about it but would make it happen before I could take my next breath. My life is a torment because I know what I want yet I’m not equipped to get it. I’m weary of begging God, he favours some people and turns a deaf ear on others who beg him. I don’t want to give up my whole being for God, I want a livable life. God is like this huge possesive black hole that I don’t want to be sucked into. I’m a wordy dork, sorry.

 **My prayer request is this**. I want a speedy and painless death. I'd rather never wake up and sleep for ever but since God doesn't let us off the hook that easily, a zillion years in Purgatory will suit me fine. Depression is what happens when things don't go your way, that you find yourself in a life that you hate, wishing you had never been conceived, and you know from past experiences that you're not adequately equipped to change things for the better. I hate that my life had to be lived under the dominion of tragedy and curse. And God has willed that the curse and tragedy would not stop at me but be passed on to my child. The next person who tells me that God is good and loves me beyond my wildest dreams will get something that they won't see coming.  God cares as much about me as a politician holding a baby for the camera during a campaign cares about the baby, the baby is there for his own benefit. God probably benefits from my misery, he probably gets a kick out of keeping my dreams at a good distance from me and working 24/7 when I get too dangerously close to any of my dreams. I'm near the breaking point, this life without a major, unprecedented break ($) is just not worth the trouble. Eighty-ninety years of unhappiness and torment for a chance at Heaven, if you miss it, you're doomed for ever in Hell, it cannot come from someone who loves me. I want to exit this life, I will exit this life one way or the other. Thank you.

You’re obviously in great despair. You need to talk with a good psychotherapist, social worker, or priest (if you are Catholic), someone who can offer advice on how you can think about your life in a more positive way and maybe change your situation. If you don’t take medication, you may need that too; but medication alone may not be enough. What you need is a meeting of minds to seek at least partial solutions or remedies to some of your problems, which you may not have thought of on your own. Yes, dialogue with the people here, by all means, but also look for a trained professional who can help you live, not die. My prayers are with you.

Thanks, meltzerboy. It always amazes me how many people see this life as this incredible thing that should be kept and treasured at all cost. I’ve tried everything you mention. The sad truth is that some people are just not meant for this life, you have to have something going for you, you have to have minimal self-confidence and self-esteem to make it in this jungle, and you need something concrete to base that self-esteem and self-confidence on. I like to say that I have the same basic human needs as someone who is smart, talented and popular in high school, but guess who will get affirmation and approval left and right? It’s not gonna be me. You’re a smart guy, you probably know the saying “l’homme est le loup de l’homme”, or “l’enfer, c’est les autres”, a shy introvert with a foggy brain and a dull personality is not what attracts people and people will “kindly” let you know. I’m a loser, I have “loser” written all over my genetic code. I’ve survived more than 40 years on sheer will-power, and naively and stupidly believing that 1-God was on my side 2-things would work out and I’d find my niche in life. My mind is made up, I don’t expect anything from God nor from this awesome gift he’s given me (make it “burdened me with”), life.

P.S. Simple advice to God, if you are gonna create a fish, don’t forget to make it able to live under water…

Robert my man, when I needed it … you helped me to soar in the clouds for a bit.
And see God’s beauty and how nice it is when people help one another or just join together with a great attitude to have fun.

So I return this flight in the blue to you to help you get back in touch with your sunny side.

youtube.com/watch?v=EeOQElvfnpE

I didn’t comment on this when you posted it. But I enjoyed it. Thank you. :slight_smile:

Robert, please check your PMs.

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.

Amen.

Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread.

And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

Amen.

Dear Robert, you have many people who care about you on this site. You were the first person who I talked to since joining Catholic Answers. I’m praying for you, my friend.:hug1:

How old is your son? Has he been getting help for his issues?

God Bless!

Hello Robert,

The anger you express is all too familiar to me. My life took a bad turn a few years ago and I ended up on dialysis for six years. I hated God with a passion and thought that He had dumped me. But I came to learn that all those atheistic feelings actually hid something much deeper that in the end strengthened my faith and left me with one absolute certainty in life: there IS a God. For, you see, all atheists are as preoccupied with God as are believers. They are constantly thinking about God. Sure, they may be out to prove He doesn’t exist, but all the same, they don’t ignore Him. No, the people who are threatening the continued existence of parish churches throughout the world are the people who sit in the middle, those who pay lip service to their ‘faith’. They class themselves Christians but only enter a church for Baptisms, Weddings and Funerals: they refuse to receive communion when they are sick in hospital even though their medical records state that they are affiliated to a church or faith.

You say you don’t ‘fit in’ with this life. Well, what’s wrong with that? You refuse to be chewed up by this sad world we live in. So what? This world is all about image and nothing else. Why should we conform to something as one-dimensional as the Las Vegas skyline at sunrise?

Depression is truly an awful illness. I have had lots of physical (and painful) illnesses down the years, but I would take them all instead of Depression. If you really have depression and are not just ‘fed up’, you should try a book called: “Self-Help For Your Nerves” by Dr Claire Weekes. It really helped someone I know.

Best wishes, and good luck,
Padster

All of this. Please see a good psychtherapist/psychiatrist AND talk to a priest. Both are necessary to help your mental and spiritual health. If you need to take medication, don’t be ashamed!! I was vehemenently against taking any psych medication/therapy for a long time but after being faced with too much stress to handle appropriately, I started a low dose anti anxiety med and started seeing a counselor (who I just learned last week is also Catholic! yay!). While I still struggle, my life is SO much better and I’m on the road to recovery from a pretty crippling mindset. Just look into it.

Praying for you.

Dear Lord, help Robert. Help him to learn that Him that You do love Him. Teach Him, that his sufferings don’t mean he is unloved or unworthy. Show Him Lord, that you allow his sufferings only so that a greater good will result from them. If you will it Lord, heal Him. Teach him Lord, that NOTHING can separate him from your love. Not trials or tribulation, not the past, present or future. Nothing. Help his son Lord. Lead him to You. Teach them Lord, that they are so priceless, that they have are so worth of value and dignity. Would you teach them Lord, that you suffered everything they suffer and suffered and will suffer, and so much more, and you did it ALL for them. To redeem them. So they could be saved. Jesus, please, help them to believe that they don’t have to have to earn heaven, or earn Your Love or Your Grace. For they are free gifts. We just have to accept them, by believing in You, and following You. For You won’t force us into heaven. If we sin mortally and don’t repent, then we reject You, and will ultimately choose to be away from you for all eternity. That’s hell. Why would we want to be with you for all eternity (that’s heaven), if we rejected You and didn’t love You?
Robert, know that God loves You. Know that you are good enough. God wants you to know, that your anxiety doesn’t define you. He defines you. He sees past your anxiety. He sees who you are. He loves you.
God wants you to know, that your ADHD doesn’t define you. God defines you. He LOVES you. You are good enough. You are worthy. You are worth God Himself dieing for you, and taking your sins upon Himself. He suffered hell. Literally. God the Son allowed Himself to be separated from God the Father, so we wouldn’t have to be. That may not seem like much. But that is the worst kind of pain that exists. This isn’t meant to make you feel bad, but to teach you, how much He loves you, and He wants you to love him back as best you can. He will help you, even when it feels like He’s abandoned you, I can promise you that He hasn’t, and never will.
God wants you to know that your hypersensitivity doesn’t define you. That’s not who you are. Who you are is a beloved creature of God.
God wants you to know that you are capable of learning. He wants you to know that your learning capacity (or apparent lack thereof), doesn’t define you. He does. You are His, and He wants you to let Him love you.
God wants you know that your immaturity doesn’t define you. You aren’t you insecurity. You aren’t your immaturity. You are His. You are loved. You are wanted.
God wants you know that you are not a dimwit. Your intelligence (or apparent lack thereof) doesn’t you. You aren’t how smart you are. You aren’t your sins. You aren’t your faults. You aren’t your failings. You aren’t your wrongdoings, and your wrongdoings don’t define you. You are God’s beloved creature, and He loves you for who you are, not who He wants you to be, not who you want to be, not who anyone else wants you to be, but who you are.
Your fear doesn’t define you. You aren’t your fear. You are loved. You are lavished with love. You are cherished. You are wanted. You are loved.
God doesn’t want you to be miserable. Suffering and misery were not part of God’s original plan. He doesn’t WANT us to suffer. However, because of sin, (not necessarily our own), suffering is necesarry.
It is sometimes a mystery why we have to suffer, and we have to trust God, that He knows best. Scripture sheds some light on why we must suffer.brethrenonline.org/articles/SUFFER.HTM
The title is “Why Do Christians Suffer?” But it applies to everyone Christian or non-Christian.
You say that living is torment for you. I think you might be overlooking the good things in your life. I do this unintentionally myself often. I know how easy it can be to fall into self-pity and only remember about how depressed you feel. Then I remember to think of the good things in life. Sometimes it’s hard to to think of anything good in those moments of depression. But there is always something good to think of. Something that happened only earlier that day often, that had me laughing. Maybe it’s not like that for you, but there must be some good things in your life. If nothing else, think of how God loves you. He does. And don’t think that you have to earn love or grace or heaven. God gives these to us freely. I know for me, that it’s easy to forget that they are free gifts, and fall back into the pattern of trying to earn them.
God wants you to know that you aren’t destroyed. You may be broken, but you aren’t destroyed. It’s not too late for you.
Why is it that your companion must be good-looking? A person’s looks don’t define them, just like none of those other things define you. Why must your job be well-paying? Neither of these can make you happy. You job can having meaning only if you give it meaning. You could have the best job in the world and it would still be meaningless unless someone gives it meaning. I don’t believe that your unhappy and miserable because you don’t have what you want and can’t seem to get it. Nobody can always get what they want in life, (even the big things, like the kind of job or lifestyle they want) but not everyone is unhappy. I think that you are unhappy because you think that you are unloved, and unworthy, and you think that all those aforementioned things define you. It sounds like you think that you have no value. If you really believe those things, then you could have everything else in the entire world that you desire, and you would still be miserable. This is why it’s so important that you realize that these beliefs are lies, told by Satan to trick you. You need to believe that you are loved and worth everything God did for you.

(Continued from last post)
Only trying your best to live for God can make you happy. But you can’t do this, if you think that God hates you. God loves you. I’m not just saying that. God is telling you that He loves you. And He means it. I can testify that God loves you, as can many others. Following God means repenting of any unrepentant sins, and doing your best to do what you believe is right. This means accepting that God loves you. Although this may not make you happy immediately. It takes times for wounds to heal, and it sounds you have a lot of emotional wounds. But you need to do it, and you need to persevere in it. You need to pray. This doesn’t necessarily mean begging God for things. It just means talking to Him. He doesn’t turn a deaf ear on you or anyone. He hears you and listens to you, no matter how much you may feel that He doesn’t. He may say “no” to something you request, but that doesn’t mean that He doesn’t listen. What father says “yes” to everything his son asks for? Not a very good one. But God is Our Father and He is the best Father. So He gives what we ask, only when what we ask is what’s best for us. And He always knows what’s best for us no matter what, even it seems like whats He’s doing can’t possible be best for us, it is. We have to trust Him.
Also, God may say “Yes, but not yet” to something we ask for. Not because He has to think about it, (for He already knows everything, yet is a personal God), but because it’s not best for us to get what we ask right away. We think of God as a Father, and us as small children, it’s easier to accept that God always knows best, even when it seems the opposite. After all, a small child may ask his father to let him play with a knife. The father says “no” because the son could hurt himself. The son doesn’t understand, so he gets mad, and decides that his daddy doesn’t love him, and just gets a kick out of seeing him upset. This saddens the father, but he still loves his son, so he still doesn’t let him play with a knife, because that’s what’s best for him. It’s the same with God, Our Father.
While it may seem to you God is a possessive black hole, when you are tempted to think of Him that way, remember the story about the small child who thinks that his daddy is mean and hates him because the father won’t let him play with a knife because he loves him.
And you do need to get some kind of help with your depression, anxiety, ADHD, hypersensitivity, and lack of self-esteem. You said that you tried that before, but I think that you need to try again. However, be careful who you go to, because psychiatrists and psychologists are often taught erroneous things in college. I was told this by my former youth minister who majored psychology. So, make sure you go to someone who can really help, preferable someone Catholic or at least Christian. You may want to make an appointment to talk to a priest. He should at least be able to help with the spiritual issues, and you almost certainly won’t have to pay anything.
If you contact any Catholic parish, they should be able to to set up an appointment with the one of the priests there, or at least tell you who else to contact. He should at least be able to help with the spiritual issues, and you almost certainly won’t have to pay anything. Fell free to PM me if you want to talk about any of this.

I agree. I was also against taking medication at first, but now I am on an anti-depressant, and it helps me a lot. I still struggle a lot as well, but my life too is so much better, although all the credit goes to God. The medication is simply a means that God uses for my benefit. What helps me more though, is the knowledge that God loves me so much unconditionally, and that I am worthy and worth it and good enough and priceless, and that trying is good enough to please the Lord, and that His love defines me.
I recommend to anyone who need to see a psychiatrist, Dr. Richard Fitzgibbons. He works in NJ/PA but you can talk to him on the phone on webcam, which is what I do, because his office is an hour or so from where I live.

Robert, there’s another French saying: “Les gens heureux n’ont pas d’histoire” (“Happy people have no story”), which means they are uninteresting and boring. And I would add: how many people in this life are truly happy and do not suffer from a Cross (or Star) they must bear even if they appear cheerful and put on a happy face? I would venture to say that most of us have some pain in our lives. BUT we go on anyhow and try to make the best of it; we search for ways not only to survive and cope but to thrive and succeed. Some of us trust in G-d, believing we cannot see the whole tapestry of our lives from our limited human vantage point in the same way G-d can. Others look toward friends or family for comfort and solace. Sometimes work or hobbies can help us temporarily forget our problems. Not least of all, refocusing our concerns toward OTHERS who are suffering rather than ourselves can be a blessing for them and for us. Talk to a mental health practitioner, counselor, or priest to find out ways you can find to make your life more meaningful to you. (Your life is already meaningful in the eyes of G-d.)

Good Saint Dymphna, great wonder-worker in every affliction of mind and body, I humbly implore your powerful intercession with Jesus through Mary, the Health of the Sick, in my present need. For Robert and all his needs as only God understands. Saint Dymphna, martyr of purity, patroness of those who suffer with nervous and mental afflictions, beloved child of Jesus and Mary, pray to Them for me and obtain my request.

(Prayed one Our Father, one Hail Mary and one Glory Be.)

Saint Dymphna, Virgin and Martyr, pray for us.

Amen.

You should desire to live by God’s will for your sanctification.

Well I khow it feels sir… I even feel so right now. It is easy to see things from the opposite perspective (God loves you etc.) when you are feeling cheery…but when you feel depressed, it doesn’t make sense anymore. The only thing that could make sense is that Jesus suffered a ton… so why don’t we? Although why it had to be this way to begin with is another question.

I will pray the prayer of Job for you.

"Why is light given to him who is in misery, and life to the bitter in soul,
who long for death, but it comes not, and dig for it more than for hidden treasures,
who rejoice exceedingly and are glad when they find the grave?
Why is light given to a man whose way is hidden, whom God has hedged in?

“Oh that I might have my request, and that God would fulfill my hope,
that it would please God to crush me, that he would let loose his hand and cut me off!”

Job 3:20-23; 6:8-9

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee; blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen.

I know how you feel (really), and it’s hard to always get knocked down. I don’t understand it either but I do still believe that God loves us all despite the burdens we have to bear, genetic and otherwise (especially my least favorite one: repeatedly receiving hatred for love). Please do not feel insulted, but there are others who have it worse than you; you do have people who love you, please thank God for that. I have a friend who is being stalked by church members, has no bonafide family, and is being vilified, mocked, discriminated against by these “Christians” and their friends and her mental impairment is pillaged by them; she also prays for a good death in the very near future. And from receiving some of the same treatment I have wondered what God means when sometimes our only purpose in life is to be spat on for the triumph of evil doers; it’s too big for me. You are in my prayers to overcome your afflictions and to be a good father. God bless you.

Prayer to Our Lady
Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to your protection, implored your help, or sought your intercession, was left unaided.
Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto you, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother. To you do I come, before you I stand, sinful and sorrowful.
O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in your mercy, hear and answer me. Amen.

Loving Jesus, I place Robert in your most sacred heart.
Most holy, I ask that you may grant Robert the hope needed to see the beauty in his family.
Please guide, protect and comfort him from this pain

Our Father, Who art in Heaven
hallowed be Thy name;
Thy Kingdom come,
Thy will be done on earth as it is in Heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread;
and forgive us our trespasses
as we forgive those who trespass against us;
and lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil. Amen

:crossrc:

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.

Amen.

Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread.

And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

Amen.

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