I could write a book about my situation, my worldview, how I never felt at home, happy and secure in this world (not because Heaven is my home or that there is a God-shaped hole in my heart, but simply because I don't have genes or luck on my side). Life can be awesome depending on what you are born with. I'm an abysmal failure, I'm a nervous wreck, lonely as hell yet afraid to let people near me lest they don't like what they see (what I truly am) and reject me. I have nothin gin the way of self-esteem, self-confidence, I've always seen myself as a joke waiting to be exposed. God allowed me to be born and expereince the bitterness of my life and I'm afraid I strongly resent him for that, and that fact alone rules him out as a credible and worthy ear ("I let such and such happen when I could have easily stopped it, now, dearest friend. tell me how what I let happen detroyed your life").
What destroyed me as a human being is all located between my ears, ADHD, anxiety, hypersensitivity, being prone to depression, no learning capacity to speak of, fear that people will realize I’m an immature dimwit etc. I always knew that my life was going to be tough, that I’d see the gifted people around get the breaks, that I’d be working boring, physically exhausting minimal wages while others my age would go on luxure cruises and travel the world. Now I had a kid some years ago, I stupidly believed the scripture about being “wonderfully and fearfully made”, I didn’t know that it essentially means having a soul, now my kid is an almost exact replica of myself : nervous, very shy, ADHD, learning capacity of a bird, anxious, has very few frinds, doesn’t connect easily with people, is seen as weird by some etc. In other words, God wanted my misery to extend for many more generations. Living for me is a torment. Forget about having a moderately good looking an decent woman a s a companion, forget about having a menainful and well-paying job thta ( could be proficient in, essentially forget about dreams if my dream isn’t to become a victim soul, in which case, God wouldn’t take years to sit back and think about it but would make it happen before I could take my next breath. My life is a torment because I know what I want yet I’m not equipped to get it. I’m weary of begging God, he favours some people and turns a deaf ear on others who beg him. I don’t want to give up my whole being for God, I want a livable life. God is like this huge possesive black hole that I don’t want to be sucked into. I’m a wordy dork, sorry.
**My prayer request is this**. I want a speedy and painless death. I'd rather never wake up and sleep for ever but since God doesn't let us off the hook that easily, a zillion years in Purgatory will suit me fine. Depression is what happens when things don't go your way, that you find yourself in a life that you hate, wishing you had never been conceived, and you know from past experiences that you're not adequately equipped to change things for the better. I hate that my life had to be lived under the dominion of tragedy and curse. And God has willed that the curse and tragedy would not stop at me but be passed on to my child. The next person who tells me that God is good and loves me beyond my wildest dreams will get something that they won't see coming. God cares as much about me as a politician holding a baby for the camera during a campaign cares about the baby, the baby is there for his own benefit. God probably benefits from my misery, he probably gets a kick out of keeping my dreams at a good distance from me and working 24/7 when I get too dangerously close to any of my dreams. I'm near the breaking point, this life without a major, unprecedented break ($) is just not worth the trouble. Eighty-ninety years of unhappiness and torment for a chance at Heaven, if you miss it, you're doomed for ever in Hell, it cannot come from someone who loves me. I want to exit this life, I will exit this life one way or the other. Thank you.