Unfaithful Husband (Pt 2)... Give Up?


#1

Hi Everyone,

I’m back to the forum, I know its been awhile. Some of you may remember my story. It turned out that my husband was indeed cheating on me.
My H is still in Fl and my kids and I are still in another state with my parents. Last month my H spent a week in jail for domestic battery on that other woman. (I asked H what happened and he said he was too drunk to remember.) Then their boss moved my H to different building to seperate them. The judge had also ordered that H not contact other woman, but then she dropped the charges. Who knows whats going on now.
While H was in jail he said that he just wanted us back home. However, now that he is out of jail and free, its a different story.
I told him that we need to decide what we are going to do. He said right now he has other things to think about. On June 1 I will be able to file for CC and CS cause in state for 6 months.
I was fine for a while, but now it has hit me that these past months have kind of flown by. So this has begun to really stress me out because I don’t know wether to divorce the man.
Let’s see our kids and I have been here for 4 months now. During this time my H has sent no money to support our girls. Nothing. He even changed bank accounts so there is nothing in our joint account accept a bunch of NSFees. He barely calls, ok maybe he calls once a week at most. Umm… oh and next month he is going to Vegas with his friend and yet he can’t come to TX to see us! :mad: Another thing he has stopped paying anything that is in my name (debt that we aquired together,etc) except he does pay the truck cause he drives it. So now I have all these collectors calling at my parents. I just feel overwhelmed at times. I know I was to blame for the debt as well. I think why not just give him the boot.
Then I think well would God really want me to file for divorce. Isn’t marriage for better or for worse. Keep in mind that my H father was bipolar, so I don’t know if H has that or depressed due to his father’s death in November. H has also said he just doesn’t feel any of the spirituality stuff. So would God’s will really be to give up on my marriage? I’m just distraught right now, I keep praying for an answer but I just don’t know what I’m going to do. Please help.

Iris79

PS: Sorry so long…I just had to vent.


#2

Iris, I am glad that you and your child are safe, but have you read back over what you wrote? This man cheated on you, beat up another woman, doesn’t seem interested in you or your child, isn’t financially contributing towards his family’s well being, has a drinking problem… What reason would you have to not want to give up? God values you. He really, really loves you. Please discuss this with your priest, and I am sure he will give you some really good guidance about what a marriage is.

You might also want to take a look at this:

foryourmarriage.org/interior_template.asp?id=20398729

Scroll down and read about domestic violence and the permanence of marriage.

I’m praying for you Iris. Please do what you need to do to protect your rights and your daughter’s rights.


#3

As traumatic as divorce is, it far more traumatic to spend more years on a roller coaster.
Believe me, I did it.
I first joined these forums because of marital problems we had. I went from wanting to work on the marriage because I believed I should, to wanting out many times in the years I have been on here. It was up and down from one day to the next and it was an absolute nightmare. Now I will be going through a divorce,courts and lawyers but the end is in sight.
I feel a certain amount of peace because it is over.
Noone can tell you what to do and when to give up. It is up to you. But with all the things you listed, it will get worse, not better unless he turns to God.
Do you want to go through years of this? Think of the impact on your children.
Do you want them to think that this is normal for a marriage?
I am already worried about the impact all of my husband’s behaviour will have on our children.
He doesn’t seem very repentant or likely to change if he’s taking a trip with her!
Pray and rely on God. He will give you the answers.
God bless


#4

After you talk to your priest, hire an attorney to help you to get financial support for your child.

Do you want to be around your husband if he is now hitting women?

Pray, and ask God for strength and wisdom to get you through this.


#5

You need to protect yourself and your children. Yes, marriage is supposed to be for better or worse, but as a Catholic we are allowed to take steps to protect ourselves emotionally, physically, and financially. As a mother it is more of a requirement.

You are not the one trying to wreck your marriage. You don’t have to seek an annulment if you don’t want to…but I think you should get a divorce. This is how you will take the best care of your children.


#6

Are you waiting for him to beat you up? Are you waiting for him to hit the kids? Think back over how quickly the months have gone while he’s been away. That’s a sign that you are relaxing and time hasn’t come to a screeching halt and you aren’t living minute to minute.

What you have isn’t a marriage. It’s a man you have a legal agreement with who is sleeping with and beating other women and neglecting his family. Are you waiting for him to give you an STD?

He cut you off from money and has abandoned his kids. Document how little he checks on them. Document the money he owes for his stuff. Write everything down so you can hand it to a lawyer. Then on June 1 find yourself a Texas lawyer and they will happily make sure he sends you part of every paycheck for the upkeep of his children. You have been a single mother for longer than you think. You can do it. Are you waiting for him to move back in so his girlfriend can end up on your front step hammering at the door and screaming while your daughters hide inside? What future do you envision for them? What kind of man in their life do you want to teach them how men behave?

The bills acquired during your marriage can be divided down the line here in Texas. You may only owe half of what you think you do. Get a job. Show you are stable. Move on. He already has. If you have to drag him back on a chain, he’s not worth keeping. Show your daughters that you can survive. They need you to do this. If it was one of them, what would you advise them?

And a judge won’t appreciate his prior domestic battery on his girlfriend. You might find you get more than you think you will. Good luck.


#7

So would God’s will really be to give up on my marriage?

what marriage? it seems your alleged husband never entered into one.

AFTER you wave goodbye as he heads for LasVegas:

[LIST=1]
*]file for divorce to protect your kids-- just like the catechism says in 2383.

*]then, if the credit card debt will eat you alive, file for bankruptcy-- probably chapter 7-- to discharge credit debt.

*]then seek annulment.
[/LIST]


#8

Ok, I am recently new here again, been away for a while. I seem to have a bit of a differant view of this thread.

give up? never, never on youself, your children or this person (I call him person because obviously he has been no father or husband at all)

The reason I say this is while your marraige seems to be over, thats only a part of it. This person is still your childs father and the man that you love(d). Just “cutting and running” sounds very enticing I am sure, but will it be better? maybe, maybe not.

The first thing that comes to my mind is to get legally seperated. As far as I know in most states the legal seperation gives you as many rights to child support and/or alimony as a divorce does. This will be a reality check for him, that you are serious. Just treat it in every way just like a divorce, maybe he will recognize the error of his ways, and you can be reunitied, or he wont, then you take the final step of divorcing.

I am 100% scared of ALL divorce. But I do concede that sometimes it is best. The problem is figuring out whether or not divorce is right for you and family. Maybe this guy is a miracle waiting to happen.


#9

Hi, I thank all of you for your advice. It really all helps a lot. This isn’t what I want my daughters to think men are like. And if it were one of them I would strongly suggest a divorce. It is just easier said than done.

“Maybe this guy is a miracle waiting to happen.” - ccross77

That is beautiful. It will be great if that is what happens. I guess that is why I’m still married. I admit I’m still hoping that all of this is going to work out. That somehow my husband will find the Lord and everything will get better for our family.

Unfortunetly here in Texas there is not legal seperation or I would take that route, there is only child custody & child support or divorce. I guess we will see what happens.

God Bless You All,
Iris79 :slight_smile:


#10

Iris,

I waited 17 years and 4 children for a miracle. I kept trying, kept praying, kept hoping. My priest actually had to give me a deadline waiting. He told me 6 months and no more. This was in confession. I think if it hadn’t been I wouldn’t have felt so obliged to follow his instructions because it really is hard to make such life changing decisions. It was completely the right thing, and years and years prior I should have realized that I the relationship I had with him was anything but a marriage. Change, even when it is for the better and absolutely the right thing to do is very scary. I hope and pray that you have the wisdom and the strength to make the changes that are needed for your children and for yourself.


#11

“Maybe this guy is a miracle waiting to happen.”

That is beautiful

This is not beautiful. It’s an excuse to do nothing.

Maybe he is a miracle waiting to happen. That’s God’s business, not yours. Your business is to determine whether or not you’re in an unsacramental marriage. Your business is to ensure the safety of your children.

This is going to sound caustic, but maybe you’re the miracle waiting to happen-- a miracle of acceptance; a miracle of trusting God to take care of you and your kids; a miracle of giving up the fairy tales and stepping into the tough reality of doing what’s best here and now.

You don’t want your kid to think men are like this-- addicted, unfaithful. So you’re willing for them to think women are like this–paralyzed by fear and illusions?


#12

Lots of people will disagree with me I am sure and I admittedly have not read many responses, I can offer a little advice for you to think about, I was in a Marriage for 18 yrs where all love was lost before the first anniversary, I stuck it out for my children,until her cheating/drug abuse got to drastic levels its a long story and one I dont think others want to hear about, to me there is almost nothing worse than a spouse that cheats on you as far as how it hits you in the face, like i said there was no love for us but it still cut extremely deep.that being said from reading your OP I am sensing you still have tons of love for your spouse and would actually like to see things back to normal again.
things do not miraculously cure with a divorce and what others may not tell you about divorce is you will question yourself for quite a while “did i do the right thing?,is this in the childrens best interest,etc” my kids were mid to late teens and seen everything she waas doing I was forced to go basically because she was so blatent about it all in front of the kids,and I knew i would be leaving within 2 yrs at that point anyways.
to me it seems you have something worth hanging onto a bit longer,you never know things could drastically turn back around as fast as they went the other way, if you have love and can forgive the cheating wait longer, you will know when its time to move on, you wont have to second guess yourself trust me…

I found out what true love was finally a few years ago,there is nothing like it on this earth, however I shot that down the tubes
and its been over a year since we parted,everyone will tell you with time things get easier,I cant agree with that, I miss her more now than yesterday,the day before etc.she is trying to move on herself and I honestly hope she finds someone that treats her great and loves her as much as i do or more ( if that is possible)
everyday gets worse and worse for me.

I am picking up you may have this same love for your husband whom has been lead astray,if this is the case wait it out a bit longer,because the always present what if’s,memories,etc seem to hurt more with each passing day.

although I think i have used up all my prayers I will send some anyways for you and your family…

May God Bless you

                        John

#13

For me personally, this is a no brainer. This isn’t just about you and him, this is about your children. You need to keep them AND you safe. He already hit and was punished for hitting one woman. Don’t give him an opportunity to go 2 for 2. And guaranteed, it will happen. So do yourself and your children a favor, send this guy packing and tell your children that you love them and want them safe.
Kathy


#14

John, you seem like a nice guy, but this is dangerous and ridiculous:

to me it seems you have something worth hanging onto a bit longer,you never know things could drastically turn back around as fast as they went the other way

you never know when something might change? things did change. he became a domestic abuser. grown ups are supposed to live in reality and give the unknown to God. we’re supposed to adjust, respond, make decisions about what we do know. and what OP knows is the man to which she’s married has been an obstinate adulterer, drug user and violent abuser. he doesn’t even want to go home. he ***wants ***to go to Vegas.

hang on a little longer for what?

grow-up time is a tough one. but stay-stupid time is tougher by far.


#15

Normally I do not advocate divorce as I believe the Church teaches against it. However there are exceptions… and THIS is one of them.

As the first reply said, go back and read what you wrote. I believe if you talk with your Priest, which I would recommend doing, he would say the same thing.

You must protect your children. Bi-polar or not some of his decisions are not a result of being depressed nor manic.

Iris, you and your family are in my prayers.

Joe


#16

Hello, Dear.

  Listen, I'm here as a woman who has been unfaithful, and I can tell you this:  Being unfaithful to my husband is ALL that I have done wrong.  I cheated because he was very mean and verbally abusive to me and he also was telling me that he had thoughts of divorce.  I lost it and found other guys to spend time with.  I still took care of our daughter; I still went to work; I got drunk maybe once or twice in a year's time.  My point is, your husband is doing a lot more wrong than just cheating on you.  For him not to support your kids is horrible.  My husband, as hurt as he is, still works.  Please talk to a priest about this situation.  I read a few months ago in our Catholic newspaper that domestic violence is now a valid excuse for divorce.  You would still have to get an annullment, but under the circumstances, I think you could get one pretty easily.  (I really don't see why not!)  

  Our marriage is in rough shape, too.  I think neither one of us wants to go to the hassle of a divorce, but we don't know how to fix what's broken, either.  I'm pregnant now and the baby may not be my husband's.  I am considering adoption for this reason.  This cheating problem has taken on a life of its own, it appears.  My point is, I may be messing up, but at least I know I'm messing up and just don't know how to deal with the temptation.  Your husband doesn't seem to care whether what he does is right, wrong, or indifferent.  This type of person can be hard to deal with - to say the LEAST.  

 Look at it this way - you and your kids are already living separately from the man.  That's a PLUS.  At least you're not stuck in a house with a mortgage or something like this.  I think in your situation, it would be possible to get a divorce and get things right with God, too.  God is concerned about your safety and the safety of your children.  Remember, he's the one that decides when you "go," nobody else.  (Laugh at my silly joke.)  Anyway, just talk to your parish priest.  Show him this post if you like.  I'll pray for you as you make your decision.

Tracy


#17

Your husband clearly has mentally health problems. Unfortunately along with this usually comes the inability to recognize, seek or maintain treatment that allows one to function in any sort of reasonable or predictable way. In the meantime, the real world responsibilities of caring for your children, paying bills, etc. is crushing in on you. You desperately need to consult an attorney to legally separate your financial situation from that of your husband’s. I would also not want this man to have any unsupervised contact with minor children. Custody can be a very powerful weapon when finances become contested.

I’m not sure how you imagine repairing or rebuilding a life with this man. If it is mental illness or simply lapsed morals, his behaviour is completely incompatible with any notion of married life. He has abandoned you, the children and the marriage. At this point no matter what you think you want, he’s gone, uninterested in returning and seemingly incapable of being a partner. Take care of yourself and kids~get the legalities concerning finances and custody ironed out. Your marriage exists in name only. Perhaps in time clarity over a final divorce/annulment will be something you can consider.


#18

I agree somewhat with your response BUT they are not in the same house at this point in time so there is not any danger there,
obviously this man has some issues to iron out NO DOUBT abou tthat at all, But this lady also needs to keep her mental stability up as well,for many the best way to do that is NOT jump into something they are not ready to do,right or wrong,good or bad
by her message she is not ready and not real willing to take the plunge into divorce. If you actually stop and think about that for a second, that is what marriage is all about and the basis for a sacramental marriage, too many of us are ready to cut and run at the first,second or even third signs of trouble… another thing that noone has hit on and I know many of them know about is with her feelings the way they are she may not get an anullment. an anullment is not based at all what happens during the marriage its all about what happens before, the Church wont hold it against her to divorce for safety reasons or abuse but they may still consider her married afterwards and that is something to keep in mind. on that note I do know several people who were not granted anullments and at least one was very similar to this situation as we are reading it.
My little bits of advice was for her and no way suggests she jump into any situation where safety for her or the children are concerned.

I actually applaud her for her attitude at this time,if more people held on to how she believes divorces wouldnt be so high in this country.I wish not only myself but others had her sense of forgiveness towards the person you walked from the alter with after making vows with our lord as a witness.
“for better or for worse” they are not just words to say to get it over with,the OP relizes this and should be proud of herself…

My normally useless 2 cents worth

                                     John

#19

John,

It’s a dangerous suggestion because without seeking legal help, her kids are in danger of him having access to them.

You’ve been praying your own death for these last 15 months. please see a therapist and a priest.


#20

Best thing you said. Annulment or no, what this woman needs is to take herself out of a volatile siuation and seek legal means to end her marriage. That’s what she should be applauded for. Not for sticking it out. What’s to " stick out"? A nice pine box with silk lining??

Kathy


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