I know you must have had so many questions before about the ‘unforgivable sin’ but hear me out.
Bit of background - only came back to faith a few months ago. I tried to be proactive concerning reading the Gospels.
I became truly angry with God about something that I perceived in the Gospels and felt rejected by Him. I went fully down this rabbit hole and started actively looking for accusations against God through different sources. I decided that I didn’t want him anymore In my life. Despite full knowledge that He exists, I decided to tell him that I was turning my back on Him and going to live my life and enjoy returning to my sinning ways. I told him that I wanted the Holy Spirit removed from me ( usually I pray every night to fill me with the Holy Spirit) I actively tried to harden my heart to Him. I spoke to others about God in a terribly blasphemous and crude way even though I know the words are true and didn’t want His salvation. I tired to make myself believe that His good works in my life and literal saving from of my life in December were just a worldly coincidence.
I wanted to hurt Him as much as possible. This was beyond yelling ‘I hate you to the sky’. I systematically went through trying to blaspheme against the Holy Spirit over the course of a few days.
Every so often I got this wave of love (from me to Him or Him to me) but I shut it down every time and literally turned away. I never went so far as devil- worship etc but I delighted in the thought of returning to sins and stopping any love for other people.
I felt such emptiness in my chest and despondency but I tried to empower myself that my life was now my own. It took my poor totally - lapsed Catholic husband (who doesn’t agree anymore with Catholic teachings) getting worried and telling me to see a priest to shock me that I was doing something truly terrible. I am planning on going to confession today even though I think it is a silly sin to confess (do I need to confess this? I am definantly not a scrupulous person).
I know Catholics tend to sugar-coat the unforgivable sin as being final unrepentance unto death but to be honest, the amount of effort I took in this phase of my life makes me think I may have signed my own damnation. Jesus, through the gospels, literally say that I’m unforgiven. I more trust that than any Christian Saint or Scholar who came since. I’ve never really worried about Hell to be honest but the thought f he Lord ignoring me, turning away literally and telling me that he doesn’t know me cuts me to pieces inside. Even if I am damned, that was my choice and actions, and I desperately want God to come back to me at least for the short amount of time that I have on Earth.
After literally ticking off each of the 5/6 sins against the unforgiveable sin, will confession allow God to let me go back to Him at least for the time that I’m alive?
Will the priest laugh me off/ tell me not to be stupid or shout at me for it?