UnHoly Fear of the Lord

I keep saying I want to change. I prayer journal but it is mostly me just venting and pouring out my thoughts to the Lord. I’m afraid of connecting to God or hearing what he has to say. Here are the reasons why:

  1. If I draw nearer to Christ, I will be held more responsible for my sins and God will chastise me. I’m afraid of failing and disappointing God, if I grow closer I will see how much I fall short.
    “Even a righteous man falls seven times a day.”
    “Whoever wants to be first, shall make himself last and a servant to all.”
  2. God provides rain for the wicked and the good. Why change? Job was a righteous man and tragedy befell him.
    I also think of the parable of the vineyard.
    If God will accept people at their last dying breath, perhaps I can wait. I know this is foolish.
  3. I have wasted so much time doing the wrong things. Doing right would make me feel even more sad about the past. I feel like well what is the point?
  4. At times I honestly don’t want to be healed or forgive another person, I want to be right.
  5. Fear of the future, suffering and surrendering to the Lord’s will. Saints like St. Rita of Cascia truly suffered. Jesus himself was crucified.

I want to be at peace and happy. I would to be like Jesus but the cost is high. I don’t know what God will demand of me. I have great difficulty accepting things when they don’t go my way.
Ultimately NO ONE can force me to follow God. It is a personal choice. Pray for me, I’ve been stuck in this rut for five years now.

This is pride - it irritates me I cannot be perfect. I would love to be Christ-like. I’m scared of confronting my sins - truly owning up to them (NO EXCUSES) and letting go. It is hurting me holding on to people, things and ideas that God does not want in my life. I’m so strong-willed in a foolish way.

I can relate a LOT to what you are saying, OP, including the years long rut. What I can advise is to seek help directly by praying to the Trinity, to Mary, to the saints and to your guardian angel and seek intercessory prayer from people on earth ; this forums prayer intentions forum would be a good place.

Express your helplessness even to desire to do good to God. Tell him the truth. He already knows it. Ask for his aid for your conversion.

I want to be a Christlike, now how to get there is the source of anxiety. The thing I love the most about this website is realizing I’m not alone. I don’t want to become too dependent on feedback from here though. A personal relationship with Jesus is just that. I apologize for the times I chafed and lashed out when I received answers I didn’t want to accept.

The sacraments are our best source of grace. How often do you go to confession and Mass?

Regularly I attend mass. Confession, I don’t know - I do more than once a year.

To start, you should go to confession more often, at least once a month. This will give you the comfort that God has forgiven your sins. Yes, there is still temporal punishment, but you will at some point have your place in heaven with God if your sins have been forgiven. Now after confession you might have a habit of committing more sins, but at least for a short time you are “right with God”. In those moments, you can pray knowing God has nothing against you. Do this for many months, and I think you will have a little more peace in your life.

It also might be a great help to you to pray with a friend. The Rosary is a great prayer for this. Mary has helped countless people over the years to become closer to God our father and Jesus the son. In addition, by praying with someone else, you can see there are others with you battling for holiness, giving you a little community. Remember that God allows some of his work to happen through his children on earth. Sometimes you need other people to help.

Whatever you do, try to be patient. I have found that the power of prayer comes in persistence day in and day out. Sometimes I feel like I get something out of it, but many days it feels like a waste of time. Jesus said in the Bible how the master of the house may not answer the door at the first knock, but if the person continues, the master will eventually get out of bed. Don’t become obsessive with prayer, but try to have a time each day that you pray. Praying in the morning and evening is common.

It seems like you might have a fear of change or its consequences, so that might be a good focus for your prayers. Really think a long time about the person you wish you were. What would be the ideal ‘you’? Then when you have a good idea what that is, you can take very small baby steps towards change. I know in my own life that trying to change all at once always leads to failure. It has taken years for me to make some changes. Start with the easy stuff that you know you can do. Your success in the easy things will help you believe change is possible. Then very slowly add harder changes. Assuming you are healthy, you have many years left in your life to work on this, so try not to worry about running out of time.

Is the only way to become holy to seclude yourself from the world? I’m afraid of failure.

I personally always work on change on my own first and only later add help from others, but if you desire the help of others from the start I would suggest finding a good counselor or spiritual director. These people are required to be confidential with anything you tell them (unless the person is suicidal or violent). As I recommended above, your confessor would also be very good to start with. You can take risks by telling them things you would never tell anyone else. They in turn can encourage to take those first baby steps towards improvement. They won’t make fun of you or take advantage of you. I’m sorry there is nothing else I can do for you. Please seek out someone trustworthy, so you can talk about feelings in a safe environment.

That is SO SCARY to tell the priest the truth.

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