I keep saying I want to change. I prayer journal but it is mostly me just venting and pouring out my thoughts to the Lord. I’m afraid of connecting to God or hearing what he has to say. Here are the reasons why:
- If I draw nearer to Christ, I will be held more responsible for my sins and God will chastise me. I’m afraid of failing and disappointing God, if I grow closer I will see how much I fall short.
“Even a righteous man falls seven times a day.”
“Whoever wants to be first, shall make himself last and a servant to all.”
- God provides rain for the wicked and the good. Why change? Job was a righteous man and tragedy befell him.
I also think of the parable of the vineyard.
If God will accept people at their last dying breath, perhaps I can wait. I know this is foolish.
- I have wasted so much time doing the wrong things. Doing right would make me feel even more sad about the past. I feel like well what is the point?
- At times I honestly don’t want to be healed or forgive another person, I want to be right.
- Fear of the future, suffering and surrendering to the Lord’s will. Saints like St. Rita of Cascia truly suffered. Jesus himself was crucified.
I want to be at peace and happy. I would to be like Jesus but the cost is high. I don’t know what God will demand of me. I have great difficulty accepting things when they don’t go my way.
Ultimately NO ONE can force me to follow God. It is a personal choice. Pray for me, I’ve been stuck in this rut for five years now.