Update from my "Incompatibility" thread

A little over 2 weeks ago I had posted about some difficulties I have had with my wife and how we have felt we are incompatible with each other.

As of yesterday, of all days to declare it, we have decided to separate from each other after a huge blow out. A verbally abusive spouse who curses at her husband is not someone or something I want in my life anymore, especially one who refused to go to church on Easter.

It’s really a shame and it’s sad as we will be breaking a family of two children. I’m not proud of it, and it has wrecked me. I’d love to say more, but it sort of sticks in my throat and is difficult to write.

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Really sorry to hear that.

I’ve read your past posts and I’m sorry for this update.

Last time you seemed aware of what you needed to work on. You must be aware that given your work schedule you likely are losing your kids, too.

You need professional advice, both psycological and legal.

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I agree with the professional, but my spouse has declined it. I’m not going to point the finger as we are both at fault for this. The reality is the argument wasn’t just verbal but I caught a few swings to the chest and arms before being told to get out followed by repeated ‘f bombs’. I think this has run it’s course and it would be worse if the kids had to see this again, one of them saw everything and I can’t get that out of my head.

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You need to get legal advice, if you haven’t already. It may be worth seeking some psychological help for yourself and your children to talk about the fight you had with your wife, and to reassure them your separation doesn’t mean they are loved any less. It would probably benefit you to get some counselling for yourself as well.

Keep yourself safe, and your children. I answered on your last thread; I’m sorry this is the conclusion.

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YOU need the professional.

Whatever precipitated between the two of you is now past. What she did is unacceptable, however, by your last posts you realized your many and weighty faults. You admit that your feelings of affection lay elsewhere, you have your own psychological issues of depression, you work long hours and you want to force her to go to Mass. This is a hotbed of issues on your side alone. You need to work on yourself. You are both pushed to the edge.

You are right to step away. You should look at what you need to do legally to protect yourself and your children–and yes this may be reporting her to the police. But you need to fix yourself, too, by your own admittance your actions have not been stellar.

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I disagree. I have never ‘forced’ her to go to church. Her father on the other hand insists she should go and as a family. And just because I have had to deal with an exfiancee attempting to gather Intel on my life doesn’t make me aspire to be with her over my wife, no matter the comparison of interests.

After pulling myself together in the last few weeks through family and friends support, I am greeted with this over an Easter weekend? I may be depressed but look at the situation; and a psychiatrist throws pills at these problems. Learning to love one’s self, reestablish a connection to God and Jesus, and becoming healthy again is the way to pull out of this. This is what I will be doing from here on out. Will be looking at attorneys this week.

Good luck with that.

You need to be in an emotionally healthy state. It doesn’t seem you are.

Someone stalking you? Go to a lawyer.

To me, it seemed you did want to force her to go to Mass, at the very least emotionally. The way you stated, “A verbally abusive spouse who curses at her husband is not someone or something I want in my life anymore, especially one who refused to go to church on Easter.” Does concern me.

If you have been prescribed medicine, take it…if you don’t like it, get a second opinion. You wouldn’t mess around with diabetes.

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This. Go to someone asap.

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Listen: for depression, it will benefit you to talk to a therapist. If you want a “talking therapy”, you can find them. But please don’t dismiss all psychological care, your health and your children are too important. No good therapist will just “throw pills” at you without trying to get to the root causes.

Keep getting support from family and friends. Talk to your child about what they saw, and help them come to terms with it.

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Lawyer lawyer lawyer. You need a good one. I’m sorry for this.

I don’t know your history at all, so my advice may or may not be correct. But Retrouvaille has saved many very troubled marriages. I’m not saying that it saves every marriage, but I think it would be worth giving it a try, if you can get your wife to agree. Look up Retrouvaille on the internet; there is probably a weekend session that you can attend near you.

And you mentioned verbal abuse. I have seen the severe damage that verbal abuse can do to a marriage. But the situation can get better. It probably won’t get better tomorrow or next week or even next month. But the way it is now is not necessarily the way it will always be.

It is possible (not easy, not guaranteed by any means, but possible) for a high-stress, high-conflict marriage to turn into a calm and loving marriage. Retrouvaille can be a good first step in gradually making that transition.

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I have been thinking about your post, and I’m going to share a little bit more personal information than I originally intended:

You mentioned that you have two children. My wife and I went through a difficult time in our marriage, and it also happened when we had two children. We didn’t consider divorce, but I certainly felt that we had problems that needed to get better, for my sake, for my wife’s sake, and for the childrens’ sake.

We went to a Retrouvaille weekend, and that experience really set us on a better path. It acted as sort of a “reset” in our marriage, where each of us could begin to see how the other one was hurting, and how we could begin to take steps to make things better. Our marriage did not change overnight. We had ups and downs after that (and still do), and we sought out some additional help along the way. But our marriage started on a better path with that Retrouvaille weekend.

And more than that, our third child was conceived right after we returned from that weekend. All of our children are wonderful blessings, but because of the timing of his conception, I always think of our third child particularly as playing a special role in healing our marriage. (And he is the one who always notices when my wife and I kiss or display affection for each other, and he always tries to be the peacemaker if my wife and I have an argument. God works in mysterious ways.)

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