Update on my husband - sad - please pray for me


#1

I know I have asked all of you for prayer so many times, and I need to ask again today.

I am so upset over the things that have been going on recently. I am just crying. I can’t believe any of this. My separated husband and I are in the middle of a divorce, as I have talked about before. My husband has been put into the psychiatric hospital twice in the last month, and he is still in now. He attempted suicide (superficially) then was treated and released. A week later at work, he started digging at his wounds and landed back in the mental hospital. He has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, ADD, and gender identity disorder. He is in the air force, and will be medically discharged sometime soon. His career is over. Now the kids will not have insurance, even though it’s his responsibility to provide it.

Today, I found out from his supervisor that he is living with a woman he knew for a couple of days before moving in with her. She’s running around with his credit card while he’s in the hospital. I asked soon-to-be ex-husb and he swears they’re just roommates - she just cooks and cleans and everything, helps pay the bills. I don’t believe it. She does not even have a job. I know this should not bother me, but my feelings are really hurt. I am so upset at how easily I was replaced. I thought I was special to him, but I really was just someone to take care of his basic needs. I put every ounce of myself into this marriage, my entire heart and soul, and I was just nothing to him. Just someone to take care of his needs. I was nothing.

Now he is saying that he is strongly considering having a sex change after he gets out of the military. I can’t believe what a miserable situation this is. What about his sons? I don’t want him to cause me any more pain. They did a strip search of him at the hospital in front of his supervisor because he was on suicide watch, and he had woman’s underwear on. He is ordering breast forms and things from weird Internet stores. He is just so messed up. Now I have to worry about the visitation arrangement.

Please, please, please pray for me. I am hurting so deeply. I just wanted a good marriage, and a nice, happy home. I did all I could. Nothing I did mattered. All he did was take from me. He still does. I am hurting indescribably now. When will this just be over? Please pray for my boys and I. Thank you very much.


#2

Oh my gosh, Becca…I’m so sorry. I will keep you in my prayers. :frowning:


#3

Hang in there! Things will get better after the divorce is final and you are really free to move on. For your children’s protection, I would fight, with everything I’ve got, not to allow your ex to have any contact with them until they are much older and can have a complete, mature understanding of the situation. Hopefully, it will also give him time to pull himself together and get the help he so desparatly needs. None of this is your fault. He was probably having these feelings and urges, and was in denial when he married you, hoping that a wife and family would solve his problems. Don’t worry about the “roommate”. She will leave soon enough when the cash runs out. Please make DOUBLE sure that you will not be held responsible for any credit card debt run up by them. :hug1:


#4

Becca,

I too, am terribly sorry, sister. Our family will pray for you. Fall on Jesus. Fall into Him. He has a plan, though it seems a million light years away right now. You have to go to war for those boys, now, and as hard as it is, for your husband. It may be over, but his life is not over. Still, you need to prepare legally for the worst, and hold fast to the Lord and your parish family as best you can. Be careful. Watch your own vulnerabilties right now and do not be moved from your boys in any way, shape or form.

You are about to begin an entirely new life, a new adventure, filled with terror, tears, danger and somewhere down the path, home. Persevere, my sister. This too shall pass.

What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?Who shall bring any charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies.Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us.Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written,
“For your sake we are being killed all the day long;
we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.”

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers,nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:31-39)

God bless and keep you,

Love in Christ,

EC


#5

Two things:

  1. Get legal protection against the “woman” so that you are not stuck with any bills she runs up. Charge her with credit card fraud if you have to. Don’t worry about “Christian pleasantries”; after all, she is only a homewrecking adulteress.
  2. If your husband is in the military, is not adultery against the UCMJ? Cannot the supervisor do something to force him to stop?

Can you have him declared mentally incompetent so maybe his credit card can be cancelled?


#6

Becca, I’m glad you have received such good advice.
I’ll be thinking of you and your boys and praying for you and them, as you deal with the shock and hurt, and all this confused mess. Fayher, Jesus, Holy Spirit please be with her and her boys, and protect them in every way. Please prepare a wholesome future for Becca and her boys.

:grouphug:


#7

Dear Becca,

Never forget that God loves you SOOOO much more than anybody else does, especially your ex. You seem to care so much for everybody besides yourself, so maybe for a while you should take a break from visiting him, and instead pray for him like crazy (I’m sure you already do. :)) It seems to be making you feel much worse to visit.

Just remember that his breakdown IN NO WAY is your fault WHATSOEVER! It is his fault alone that he had such an amazing wife, and beautiful children and he threw that all away.

My grandmother, in her thirties, watched her husband die a horrible death a week after he was perfectly fine. She is my hero because she didn’t cry and she took control of the situation, telling him in his last moments how much they all love him, and how he’s about to go to heaven and how wonderful it will be. Then she was brave for the children, and she was alone, with six fatherless children.

Your children will forever remember how brave you are right now. You will forever be their hero for this. They see that you care so much, and have courage to do what must be done.

But there is a flipside to the story. Three years later my grandmother married the widower down the street, with a similar story and seven motherless children. They are still married today. There always is a happy ending for people like you, no matter what the cynics or your mind’s devil’s advocate say.

I’m praying so much for you! You are never alone. Please do not despair… God is always with you, and your children will always love you, and so will we.
:hug1:Ljubim


#8

Ms. Becca I am so sorry that you are caught in this situation. I cannot understand at all what you are going through, but God does. Take all your sorrows and fears to Him who understands all and has compassion all. God will find a way to bring good out of this, I am certain. I will pray for you.


#9

You and your family are in my prayers. This is an awful situation :frowning:


#10

Thank you so much for your wonderful, kind words and prayers. I honestly do not know how I would ever have gotten through/be getting through any of this without you guys. You have no idea how your prayers and thoughts have sustained me during this time - during the last couple of years. You have always been there for me, and I thank you with all I have! I am praying for you, too. It’s times like this that I thank God for the Internet.

I have been praying for him a lot, but now I think that for a while, I will concentrate my prayers on myself and my boys.

The credit card she is using is his bank card. I have to go into the account to get the amount of money we agreed on. I also checked it to see if he was out of the hospital. That’s when I saw the charges on it. I don’t want to be removed from the account until the divorce is final and the military is in charge of his child support/alimony payment - for as long as he’s in the military, that is.

I will talk to my lawyer about the identity theft aspect of it. I had thought of that. Also, about modifying the visitation. He is not stable. Aside from the gender disorder, the suicide attempts, panic attacks, etc., he tends to run around with scummy people. I don’t know the other woman he’s living with, but anyone who would move in with a guy after knowing him two days - well, you do the math. Not to mention, any guy who would invite a woman to move in, then give her access to his bank card…

Thank you for your prayers. I also wanted to know if anyone could recommend a book to read during times like this - something helpful, but lighthearted? Maybe even a novel? I like to read at the end of the day, and it would be nice to have something to take my mind off of things.


#11

:thumbsup: Wow, Irish. It’s rare I come across someone with a husband who is crazier than my xh. Yours gets the prize!

Therein lies YOUR sanity. None of this is about you. It’s ALL about him. (Wasn’t it always all about him? He will live and die with it being all about him. So you don’t need to worry about him missing you when he’s gone. He has himself. Errr… herself. Whatever.)

You’re Irish. Find a way to laugh at this. And also talk to the base commander about getting family support while the divorce is pending. The courts can mandate family support. Depending on how long you’ve been married, be sure you have your lawyer do the CDRO and include your rights to his pension. See about COBRA benefits for insurance.

Your husband sounds a bit narcissistic. As such, he has filled that woman with lies and charmed her and she probably thinks he’s the greatest thing since sliced bread. She may not even know he has a wife and kids. Trust me on this. They lie. I just found out in a casual conversation with my ex mil that when I met my xh and he didn’t tell me he was living with his mother, she was paying all his bills then and the utilities and the rent and there I was under the delusion that I was dating a man who was 26.5 years and supporting himself. Instead he was still a parasite on his mother and banking his salary and contributing nothing to his own welfare while he misled me to believe he was supporting himself. That secret took 21 years to come out.

Yes, there are men that lie like that. And you want to keep your sons far from him. You can mandate with the medical record to support you that if they see him it is only supervised visitation. Eventually, if he is that disturbing, the children won’t want to visit him.

Remember what Jeremiah said: I know the plans I have for you, says The Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

None of this is your fault. You didn’t fail. You hung in there long past when many women would have given up. You know you tried your best. Yes, you were nothing to him. So are the kids. Unless they can reflect glory back to him. But here’s a happy thought: The woman who is cooking and cleaning up after him now is nothing to him too. She will eventually find that out. He is a parasite. He has found a new host. She is a parasite too. Happy mutual parasites. What a great foundation for a beautiful romance! :thumbsup:

If it’s any consolation, you sound like a shoo-in for an annulment. All you have to do is bring in you ex-husband… er… ex-wife… and point. When will it end? When he dies. I hate to say that. Until then he will find ways to create chaos in your life and the lives of your children. YOUR challenge will be to find a way to laugh at it each day. Or you’ll go mad and the kids will have to visit you two in adjoining cells at the loony farm.

Keep up your prayer life. Find the funniest person you know and hang around them lots more. You’re about to be set free from the daily chore of being the emotional punching bag of a lunatic. That will be replaced with other challenges.

I’ll lend you my t-shirt. It says: Name the 7 Deadly Sins??? I was MARRIED to them!

I’m interested in how his mom and dad are taking this and if he has brothers and sisters and your relationship with that part of the family. Are they in denial?


#12

Becca, I’ll be praying for you and your boys. :gopray2: :hug1:


#13

Ma’am-we will all be praying for you! We love you!


#14

Thank you! Sometimes, I just need to get it all out there. Thank you for your prayers!!


#15

Wow, be strong for your kids, IrishBecca. I know what a nightmare this can be. Just take things one day at a time, and pray hard. God really gave me the strength to get through the shattering, devastating end of my marriage because I followed that advice. It’s okay to grieve, to be angry, so let it out when you need to (but try not to in front of the kids because that would scare them).

Your husband has major mental issues that you cannot help him with, so do not try to take responsibility for them. He probably was always this way, but hid it.

My prayers are with you.


#16

I spoke with my husband’s social-worker today, and now he is claiming to be hearing voices. He is up to 6 diagnoses now, as my husband proudly told me. The social worker told me that they are doubting several of the diagnoses and wonder how much is mental illness versus personality disorder. I was actually relieved to hear this about the personality disorder because it’s something I have suspected for a long time. He has the symptoms for pretty much all the “cluster B” personality disorders.

Please continue to pray for me, and for him. I talked to him today, and in just those few minutes I was feeling guilty and sick to my stomach. I know he is manipulating me, but my goodness, he does sound so sincere. :frowning:


#17

He knows exactly which buttons to push. You are a mirror. He plays to his reflection in your face/voice. Do not fall for it.

That’s how they keep you reeled in and they destroy you.

Do not feel guilty.

Why doesn’t HE feel guilty for making you cry and destroying his children’s home?

Don’t do all his guilty feeling for him.

That sick feeling in your stomach is your whole body telling you to get away from this madness.

His sincerity is all an act. Once he has you where he wants you and he drops the act, don’t you feel stupid?

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.

The next time he starts doing this, instead of talking back to him, laugh. Just laugh. Watch how quickly the veil drops. Watch the real him come back. When you react in your same predictable manner he knows he has you.

What are you feeling guilty for? That he’s a mess? You didn’t do that. That he wants to wear dresses and have a woman’s body? You didn’t do that. That he wants out of the marriage? You didn’t do that. That he lies to you? Why do you feel guilty that he lies to you?

You are feeling guilty for reacting in anger to his bad behavior. He’s trained you and conditioned you well.

You are reacting sanely to bad behavior. You are going into self-preservation mode and you are trying to protect your children. THAT is normal maternal behavior.

He is trying to manipulate you out of your most basic natural human reactions. Don’t give him that power over you. Please. He knows you have a conscience, so he cynically uses it against you, even while he has no conscience whatsoever and does what he wants.

That is a sociopath.

The sick feeling in your stomach is what the cops talk about when they are in a bad situation and in danger and know to “listen to their gut.”

Listen to your gut. PLEASE!


#18

Oh, by the way, normal people don’t brag about how many personality disorders they have.

If they have them, many keep them secret.

Sounds like he found a great way to get out of his military obligation.

Is he playing the whole system?

I hope he doesn’t expect to use tax dollars to turn himself into a woman.

If my xh had told me he was hearing voices I would have said, “I hope they’re telling you to go far away from me and never come back.” “Do they tell you you’re a bastard or am I the only one who tells you that?”

Yeah, he didn’t like me much. I’d get smacked for it, but it was fun to say it. All I had to do was say something once. He’d then replay it in his head 400 times for me.

:wink:

Life is too short to have malevolent people in it. Your kids need to be freed from the insanity.


#19

I like to read old issues of This Rock when I’m feeling confused, and although the situations don’t nearly compare, it’s comforting to just read and think about the church in general; it always makes me feel stronger.
As for lighthearted, it’s not a book but there’s a radio show called The Catholic Guy on Sirius’s Catholic channel, which will make you smile no matter what :). They have a bunch of older clips on Youtube and on fan sites too.
Hopefully somebody else will come along with some nice books in mind! May God bless you.


#20

Well I just got done reading a really engrossing novel called The Lilac Bus by Maeve Binchy. She’s Irish, and this is a book of stories about modern-day life and fammilies in Ireland, so it might be right up your ally. :wink:

I bought this book as a paperback from the $1 table at my local library. Maybe you could find a used copy somewhere?


DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.