UPDATE:Re: Possible Cheating Husband...NEED HELP LOST HOPE


#1

Good Morning Everyone…
I am up because I haven’t been able to sleep in three days…

To catch up on my situation you may want to read my previous post: forums.catholic.com/showthread.php?p=2336711#post2336711

Here’s the update: I brought this situation to his attention, and we moved past it. Or so I thought. He still keeps in contact with the women he was speaking with from training, but they no longer exchange any kind of inuendos (or so I’ve seen). My husband has agreed to begin attending mass with me again, so I’m happy about that, but he still hasn’t opened his heart to God. I’ve kept the passage in Corinthians about how a man who is not a believer is absolved by his wife in the front of my mind, and this has kept me going instead of going crazy. All things were pushed aside, though not forgotten, and I’ve been checking up on him every once in a while. Things seemed to be going great, until he came home from another training trip. He’s been home about 3 weeks now, and we haven’t been making love. His cell phone and his files are full of porn. --And the biggest reason I haven’t been sleeping is because I found about 50 messages in his inbox from a 19 year old girl. He tells her lies in the messages about some sort of meaningless things. One, for example is telling her that he was going to move to California at one point, and that he visits the city she lives in from time to time…which is a total lie. I’ve been with him for 7 years, and not once has he been to that town. The conversation seems harmless enough because, I believe, they haven’t yet had the chance to let the conversation go into greater intimacy. He tried to delete the messages she sent him and his replies, but he is no match for my internet investigating powers :smiley: . He waits until I’m asleep before he sends her messages. Last I read, he told her he had to go because he had “company” (meaning me) and she begged him not to.

I’m going to try and make this as clear as possible…
I’m having a hard time because I’ve lost so much trust in him, yet still love him so much. He doesn’t acknowledge my feelings. I feel like I’m beating this situation to death, but I don’t want to make things worse between us by throwing his mistakes up in his face every time I find something incriminating. Not only that, but the more I talk about it, the more he tries to hide it. I’ve come to the conclusion that he may have a problem with sex addiction, and I don’t know how to get his attention and actually talk about it without doing more damage. Another issue I have is that what really defines adultery? Yes, I know the clear cut version that we find in scripture…but really, what, by law, defines adultery? If I were to take my evidence into a court of law (porn, the conversation between my old friend and him…etc…) would that be deemed adultery? I have no proof he slept with anyone. I did confront the friend, and I cut all contact off between all three of us. She told me that nothing physical had ever happened between them, and I’m certain she’s telling the truth. There is nothing in this world she wants more than to make others’ lives miserable so she would’ve enjoyed telling me if they had.

I am so sorry this is becoming so long. I’ve sought out counseling before regarding these issues to no avail. Everyone seems to think that I am overreacting and that his actions are acceptable…(pornography and masturbation, talking to other women “friends” who refuse to befriend me in return, and now just “chatting” online with a teenager.) He’s putting himself in positions where things could go down the wrong road fast. I’m beginning to lose hope and faith. Please, just pray for me. :frowning:


#2

I’m so sorry this is happening to you.

A couple of things… first, the verse in Corinthians does not say that a wife’s belief “absolves” an unbelieving husband. He isn’t “absolved” of his bad behavior. It says that she “sanctifies” her husband. That mean she brings grace to her family through her prayer, belief, and witness. If he accepts that grace it can lead him to the faith. He is rejecting that grace.

Second, I don’t think there are any states left that have for-cause divorce laws. All of them these days are no-fault. Meaning, adultery wouldn’t have any bearing in the divorce proceedings-- but it’s best to consult an attorney for legal advice. You have children, so the pornography and behavior could definitely have a bearing on custody-- so yes, if you go that route keep a copy of everything in a safety deposit box in your name only. Also, a few states (North Carolina is one) have civil laws that can bring charges against the “other woman”-- but that’s only 1 or 2 states.

Since he’s in the military, I know that there are consequences for adultery within the military. So, don’t rule that out.

I don’t know what to tell you, other than this is a serious character flaw-- possibly a mental disorder-- and I don’t think he will change. From there, only you can decide what to do. I would definitely go see that priest you mention that you feel close to.


#3

Sorry about that quote…I know what it meant, I just remembered it wrong…lol. Thank you though


#4

I’m so sorry for your troubles at this time, and I am praying that God will lead you to do what is best for you.:gopray:


#5

I am praying for you.

I read your other thread that you referenced. I am curious, is your husband making a military career? If he is, then talking to other women, etc and whatever he is doing is not professional and I believe he could loose his status for all of that, I could be wrong…


#6

If this were happening to me I would write back to these women and let them know your husband is married with children and unless they are ready to ruin a marriage and be a step parent to your kids they better back off… your husband is lying to these women, they don’t know he has a wife and kids and that he is not free to date.

You say your family is far away? But, are you close to them? I know my family is only 45 minutes from me but if this was happening to me I can guarantee my older sister, my older brother and my parents would be at my side as fast as they could get there and I would want that, I would want my husband to see that if he doesn’t stop all of this he very well could lose his family, some guys don’t get it until it is in their face, what your husband is doing is NOT o.k. my husband would never speak to or message other women, at his job he has to speak with women who work at his job but he never ever calls them, goes to see them, emails or texts them, in fact he says it is best to keep work at work and not make buddies with the people you work with, cause if you have an argument it can make it really difficult to work with them, so he is kind and respectful and enjoys the people he works with but he doesn’t “Hang” with them outside of work.

I really enjoy a quote from Doctor Phil that really says it all " You teach people how to treat you" it is that simple, you are teaching your husband what is ok and what is not ok, you tell him you won’t stand for this but what do you do when he does it anyways? He has you figured out, he knows your not going anywhere and he knows he only needs to say what you want to hear.
I’m totally against divorce but I am not against making it crystal clear that if things don’t change you and the kids may take a vacation to see your family while your husband decides what he wants… I had a friend who’s husband was a heavy duty par tier and drinker and she tried everything to make him stop but he would promise it would stop and within weeks he was doing it again, so she packed up herself and the kids and told him where he could find her when he was ready to make a change and she left. He called her at her parents almost daily and cried and begged her to come back, she told him that she loved him with all her heart and she wanted their marriage to work but she would not come home until the drinking and running stopped, two weeks later they went into serious couples therapy and her hubby went into AA and then she went to AA for spouses and they got back together, that was six years ago and he hasn’t had a drink since and he doesn’t go out with “the boys” anymore.

Sometimes a person has to have it made very clear to them that the behavior MUST stop NOW… not later, not hiding it from you… but it is up to you, you have told him you don’t like it and that you want him to stop and he hasn’t and yet you stay with him, so in his mind he is thinking “ok, she’ll stay no matter what” so that is a green light to keep doing everything he is doing.

I’m not saying divorce is the answer, but sometimes taking a break and letting a person see what life would be like without you and the kids can be enough to really get them to think of all they could lose.

I am sick with how your husband is acting, but you are NOT a door mat and must not be treated like you are one and if your husband ever does actually have an affair what is to say he won’t get a venereal disease and give it to you? It really sounds like he has a serious problem and he himself doesn’t realize it and doesn’t really want to stop this.

I’ll be praying that God will give you the strength to get through this.


#7

This is terrible. He is not a ‘possible’ cheating husband. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but he is cheating. If he is looking at porn and entertaining the idea of sex with other women, he *is *cheating. There is no place for other women, (that are obviously interested in more than friendship), in a marriage. And if it were friendship, it should involve you too.
I agree with the posters that said you should leave, not with no hope of reconciliation but in the hope it will bring him to his senses. This behaviour is stepping completely over the line.
By staying you are letting him treat you this way. Leave or tell him to, if you don’t want the children to go through upheaval. But you should not put up with this and you should not be together while he is behaving this way.
I would be going out of my mind if this was me. There would be a lot of shouting, I can tell you! (no matter how unhelpful that would be!)
You need to be respected and he will not respect you for putting up with this, I am sure he thinks it’s pretty funny that he’s getting away with all of this and all he gets is you bringing it up once a month!
Please, this is way way over the line… This is totally unacceptable and it will not get better until you take drastic measures. And all the while, pray, fast and offer up all your sufferings for his soul and your marriage. But don’t put up with it for another day. He will not thank you for it.
I am sorry if I sound harsh, but I went through something identical in my first marriage and to put up with it and plead for him to think of my feelings and our four children, for 6 years, got me absolutely nowhere. He just gloated and boasted to his friends about how he could get away with so much and then left me for a 19yo when our youngest was 5 months old.
I will pray for you.


#8

I can’t believe this? Can they lose status? Are they punished?
Here in Australia, the Military are renown for being the most immoral of places and most marriages are wrecked through infedelity and them being encouraged to be promiscuous. My sister’s husband was in the Airforce and almost all of the couples they knew had marriage breakdowns… almost all caused by the lack of morality the Forces encouraged. Completely different story here. I wish they were prosecuted. My sister’s ex husband left her and their 6 children for a woman he met in Canada (an Airforce trip) and was having an affair with for 10years of their 22 year marriage.


#9

Officers are expected to be gentlemen, but I doubt anything would happen to a soldier (officer or not) these days. The American military is already stretched too thin. Besides, who would want a husband who is being good only because his boss makes him?


#10

It’s time to get an attorney and take care of your interests. Stop torturing yourself with this man, there is no reason for it.


#11

hmm. addiction is very possible… I know of a book that is difficult to get that explains a lot of this and what to do.

familysafemedia.com/fight_the_porn_addiction.html

Healing Hearts Mending Minds: Understanding and Overcoming an Addiction to the Drug of the New Millennium, Pornography

It appears to be out of print, so good luck.

Anyway. Sending emails to his on-line friends may make him upset but IMO, you are within your rights. Infact, unless there is a business need for the communicaitons, why don’t you just block them? I assume only you have the password to your firewall.

I don’t know what to say aobut the cell phone porn… Yes, it appears he “has it bad”.

Retrouville might be a solution… But like like all adictions and solutions, the person has to want it to be solved.

Certainly “no relations” is not out of the ordinary for a stressed relationship like you have. It implies nothing but you two are having problems.

I wish I knew how you could get him to read and comprehend TOB. It finally enabled me to see the real problem with porn. But then, I already knew that being alone with another woman was big on the “bad for your relationship” list. DUH!

May the Lord’s Peace find you and keep you.


#12

Again, I’m assuming about OP’s hubby…and was just wondering if he was an officer in the military and the women he’s hanging out with are in the military as well…then, yes, I do believe they can be punished…I could be wrong though.


#13

#14

Sticking my nose in this delicate situation… :frowning: I think that to write to these women is not the solution to the problem… Sure it will put a damper on his ‘game’ for a bit… but it is only a temporary solution. This will do nothing to prevent him from doing the same with other women in the future.

I say make copies of all the text messages… don’t mention to him anymore that you have seen this or that… and if the flirting escalates back to where it was before then go straight to a lawyer…

You DO NOT have to put up with this…! and I see that you’ve posted that you went to therapy to no avail… You have done all that you can and if he refuses to see reason then you have to protect yourself.

I doubt his flirting is harmless and is also taking place in the real world as well… If he disregards your feelings even after therapy then you need to take care of yourself first…

With all the sexually transmitted diseases out there who knows what he has been doing…

I’ve been trying to see if there are any support groups that help Christian women who are married to military men that have no place to go…but most of the sites are support groups for military wives whose husbands have been deployed to other countries…

I wish I could be of more help… :frowning:

In my prayers… God bless


#15

It is quite possible that some of these women “know” he is married and don’t really care. As for writing them or talking to them, etc. etc. that is so high school. Start documenting, learn your way around emails, don’t forget to delete the history. Keep the documentation with a “TRUSTED” friend. Is the cell phone in both your names? If so, you can request a call history of the numbers he has called. If you own a home, is your name on the mortgage and/or title to a car? Silly questions to some…but very serious.

I have to wonder how you can sleep next to a man who does this or even have him within speaking distance of you.

Call your parents…tell them what is going on. And ask if they will help you out if push comes to shove. If you don’t work outside the home, now is the time to find a way to make some money…you are going to need it. If you do work outside the home, start squirreling money away in “your own” bank account. If you are working with an attorney, get a PO box under your name have correspondence sent there. Don’t email anyone about what you think is going on. If you have auto-log on to this forum, disable it, so he can’t see what you have been typing here. Clear the history every time you go on the computer.

It doesn’t matter if he is an officer or not. If you have children and he is still in the military, they will be taken care of with health benefits, etc. You, however, will need to get some health insurance. If you get a savvy attorney, you may get some of his retirement benefits.

It’s time to put on your big girl panties and start looking out for yourself. It is obvious the man you married is not looking out for you. Going to mass doesn’t make him any more a Christian (or better behaved). He is pacifying you, until he figures out how to get himself out of a mess of his own making. You need to be one step ahead…and don’t let him know that you have any inkling to what is going on. When he gets the blue folded paper…he’ll know and by then his goose will be cooked. It’s time to throw this one back in the polluted pond.

A few recommendations. “Ten Stupid Things Women do to Mess up their Lives” by Dr. Laura Schlessinger
and “The Feminine Mistake”…not Mystique (that is another good one, although a bit dated)

My tag line speaks volumes. You deserve better than what you are dealing with…don’t settle.
Think to yourself, are you better off with him, or without him? (Dear Abby quote)
Right now, "how is it working for you? (Dr. Phil quote)


#16

I don’t think it’s juvenille to call these women. They need to know that that are to keep their paws off of another woman’s husband! Now, making them bald for messing with a married man would be juvenile…

Kim


#17

**First of all, if he won’t voluntarily get help then he is having a problem with admitting he has a problem. Admitting he has a problem w/ addiction at all is the first step and until then, counseling probably won’t even work if he is in denial throughout it.

Secondly, you stated that you “love him so much.” That’s nice however love is a 2 way street. And in my opinion if he can’t show you that love in return then there is a huge problem there.

Also, you could contact those girls that he talks to, however I think that if he is any sort of a REAL man he should face up to them and be honest. Obviously he thinks this whole ‘game’ he is playing is fun and doesn’t realize that he is being dishonest w/ these girls. By the way, what girl in her right mind would want a guy that cheated on his wife and family? I know, I know, there are girls like that out there but that is just plain messed up!!
You contacting them may make them just pursue him more just to be hateful towards you for contacting them, who knows?

I would leave the ball in his court. You should not need to babysit your husband. It sounds as if he needs to grow-up, cut off all contact w/ other women, and get some help but then again he won’t do that until he can admit he has a problem. I would truly consider leaving him, but that’s just me. I would have a hard time trusting him, but then again my dad cheated on my mom and she took him back and he went ahead and did it again and she finally left after the second time. So I don’t think I would put up with it. Just my :twocents: **


#18

The women/girls are NOT the problem, HE is, you can write to these women/girls call them do whatever. He will just find others, YOU are the one that you have to deal with not anyone else.

Do you want to continue living the way you are living? Do you want to continue to be treated the way you are be treated? Do you want your children to continue to live the way they are living? Because they are being affected by this, whether you believe it or not? You have to stop worrying about changing your husband and start changing yourself and what you will accept in your life.

Your husband sounds like a sick man who has several addictions and needs help. You however are enabling him you need to stop accepting his behaviour! you deserve better so do your children. Talk to your Priest you are in my prayers!


#19

Ann Landers or maybe it was Dear Abby, used to say you should ask yourelf “Are you better off with him or without him?” Or, would you be happier with him or without him.

Another post said to document. However, there is no point in documenting unless you intend to divorce him. It doesn’t sound as if he’s being very discreet, which probably means he doesn’t care if you know. If that is the case, you know you need to move on. Spending your days agonizing over: who he is calling/who is calling him, who he is with, what he is doing, etc really isn’t living a life God planned for anyone. Prayer is wonderful, but God also gave us a mind to use and reason to figure out things logically. It’s probably best to pray for the strength to do what you know you must. I’ve just said a prayer for you also.:gopray2: .


#20

DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.