My story is here, though I've changed my name
After much much heartbreak and soul-searching, I left my long-term marriage in March of this year. My husband continued to refuse counselling, and we had reached the point of mutual shutdown. Any time I would despair, cry or ask him to help me find a path together, he would tell me there was nothing he could do. It was almost as if he was trying to make me leave. In fact, when I cried he often toldl me I should go and live with my mother. Or he would just walk past me and leave the room without any offer of consolation.
When I told him about the separation and asked if we could talk, he simply put the phone down on me and did not communicate with me for several months. We have had four e-mail conversations since I left, and in each one he is cold and unemotional, dealing only with the practical matters of the separation.
He has never asked me to come back, never asked how I am doing.
I am now at a point where I am prepared to go through with a divorce, even though I deal with much sorrow and guilt over leaving, but after so many years leaving in a sterile marriage, my body and heart gave out and I could not go on.
I wonder now if God is angry with me for leaving. Perhaps staying would have assured my eternal salvation, offering up all my sufferings to God. I just no longer had the strength to do that, although I tried for many many years.
I feel lost and alone -- missing my home of many years and the familiarity of my old life. I even miss my husband, or at least the parts of him that could be nice. I am sad for what he suffers , knowing there is no cure. And that he will not have me to help him. Worst of all, I no longer feel I shold go to church, or belong there.
I wonder why my H chose to squander my love for him -- why my good intentions were never met with a loving heart.
I just wonder why God led me to marry a man who has caused me so much heartache and continues to.