Update - sad outcome


#1

My story is here, though I've changed my name

forums.catholic.com/showthread.php?t=300473

After much much heartbreak and soul-searching, I left my long-term marriage in March of this year. My husband continued to refuse counselling, and we had reached the point of mutual shutdown. Any time I would despair, cry or ask him to help me find a path together, he would tell me there was nothing he could do. It was almost as if he was trying to make me leave. In fact, when I cried he often toldl me I should go and live with my mother. Or he would just walk past me and leave the room without any offer of consolation.

When I told him about the separation and asked if we could talk, he simply put the phone down on me and did not communicate with me for several months. We have had four e-mail conversations since I left, and in each one he is cold and unemotional, dealing only with the practical matters of the separation.

He has never asked me to come back, never asked how I am doing.

I am now at a point where I am prepared to go through with a divorce, even though I deal with much sorrow and guilt over leaving, but after so many years leaving in a sterile marriage, my body and heart gave out and I could not go on.

I wonder now if God is angry with me for leaving. Perhaps staying would have assured my eternal salvation, offering up all my sufferings to God. I just no longer had the strength to do that, although I tried for many many years.

I feel lost and alone -- missing my home of many years and the familiarity of my old life. I even miss my husband, or at least the parts of him that could be nice. I am sad for what he suffers , knowing there is no cure. And that he will not have me to help him. Worst of all, I no longer feel I shold go to church, or belong there.

I wonder why my H chose to squander my love for him -- why my good intentions were never met with a loving heart.

I just wonder why God led me to marry a man who has caused me so much heartache and continues to.


#2

Your in my prayers ma’am.


#3

Oh my dear sister,

I am so sorry for your situation and I hear your pain and sadness. May Jesus help you through this very difficult period. Turn to him--he will hold you up and carry you when you feel you can't go on. I am praying for you.


#4

If I were in your situation, I'd get into a divorce/grief counseling group. People there would be in different stages of acceptance and you'd see light at the end of the tunnel that you're currently in.

You did your best, it's time to pick up and move on with your life. Get the divorce and an annulment and look forward to tomorrow.

Stay busy with work, with volunteering toward needy causes, get involved with others, etc.

God loves you, and my prayers are with you.


#5

[quote="nancymarie, post:1, topic:219364"]
My story is here, though I've changed my name

forums.catholic.com/showthread.php?t=300473

After much much heartbreak and soul-searching, I left my long-term marriage in March of this year. My husband continued to refuse counselling, and we had reached the point of mutual shutdown. Any time I would despair, cry or ask him to help me find a path together, he would tell me there was nothing he could do. It was almost as if he was trying to make me leave. In fact, when I cried he often toldl me I should go and live with my mother. Or he would just walk past me and leave the room without any offer of consolation.

When I told him about the separation and asked if we could talk, he simply put the phone down on me and did not communicate with me for several months. We have had four e-mail conversations since I left, and in each one he is cold and unemotional, dealing only with the practical matters of the separation.

He has never asked me to come back, never asked how I am doing.

I am now at a point where I am prepared to go through with a divorce, even though I deal with much sorrow and guilt over leaving, but after so many years leaving in a sterile marriage, my body and heart gave out and I could not go on.

I wonder now if God is angry with me for leaving. Perhaps staying would have assured my eternal salvation, offering up all my sufferings to God. I just no longer had the strength to do that, although I tried for many many years.

I feel lost and alone -- missing my home of many years and the familiarity of my old life. I even miss my husband, or at least the parts of him that could be nice. I am sad for what he suffers , knowing there is no cure. And that he will not have me to help him. *Worst of all, I no longer feel I should go to church, or belong there. *

I wonder why my H chose to squander my love for him -- why my good intentions were never met with a loving heart.

I just wonder why God led me to marry a man who has caused me so much heartache and continues to.

[/quote]

Please do not punish yourself further by keeping yourself from worship. I hope you have friends at church and people who can stand beside you as you go through this. I would urge you to keep your familiar routine and go to confession as often as possible too.


#6

Please don’t punish yourself - you cannot blame yourself - nor can you force someone else into counseling if they do not want it. Please at this point work on your own healing and know that God loves you unconditionally.


#7

God knows all you've been through and how hard you've tried.
Most certainly you belong with your Church community.

Before God, Your marriage was a travesty of what God wishes marriage to be for you.

This is what a husband's love should be.
“H*usbands, love your wives and treat them with gentleness.”* [Colossians 3:19]
Husbands should love their wives just as Christ loved the Church...each one of you must love his wife as he loves himself; [Ephesians 5:21, 25, 33]

Let yourself begin to recover, and to live a fully human and fully alive life with God.


#8

Thanks everyone for the support and prayers.

I did try for so long to have a good marriage. My husband would go from being nice to inexplicable rages. This went on for years. Also the issue of him not wanting children or wanting to have sex with me (for over 25 years). It seems I have spent my whole life trying to win his TRUE LOVE only to be met with lukewarm feelings or indifference.

Our whole marriage has felt to me like a business relationship. I know he would say differently, but if one feels like the constant giver and the other gives very little, sooner or later the giver is going to give up.

To me, a real marriage includes physical and emotional intimacy and wanting to have children by the woman you love. I never felt that at all with my husband.

I once even asked him if he was gay or had been molested as a child. He would deny these things so I believed him.

When he got ms, I vowed to stay and take care of him, but he got even more abusive (as I explained in my earlier posts of a few years back). Hid did eventually stop that after I left for awhile, and when I returned I thought things might improve.

But in my heart I keenly felt the sexual and emotional rejection, and his continued refusal to talk about anything of importance. Our lives were being turned upside down by the ms, but he refused to address it and fought me tooth and nail over things that would make both of our lives alittle easier.

I fell into a deep depression and had to go on medication and seek counselling. What I really wanted, was some sign of real love and concern from him. His main response, was to get angry.

I left only because I felt my own health draining away and because my H wouldn't go to counselling or help me address our problems.

So why do I mourn and still worry about him? Because I can't help it. With me gone, he will need to rely on friends or paid help. It devastates me and I feel great guilt. I suppose I always will. How will I know that God is not displeased with me for leaving a spouse with a chronic illness (ms)? He will be in wheelchair permanently someday, and perhaps even worse.

Please pray that I can deal with all these conflicting feelings, and move on to some sort of acceptance. My husband has not communicated with me except for a few unemotional e-mails. I can't go back to the life I had with him and survive. And yet, leaving my M feels worth than a death.


#9

You are suffering because you have a kind heart.

A valid Catholic marriage requires that the couple is open to having children.
It would seem from what you have said that your husband wasn't open to having children. If this was his intention from the beginning, then it isn't a valid Catholic marriage, and so unless you intended to validate the marriage then you aren't bound by it and could see your priest about seeking an annulment.

Heavenly Father please give Your guidance and consolation to nancymarie

Canon 1096.1 For matrimonial consent to exist, it is necessary that the contracting parties be at least not ignorant of the fact that marriage is a permanent partnership between a man and a woman, ordered to the procreation of children through some form of sexual cooperation.

  1. What is the difference between a valid and an invalid Catholic marriage?

Just as individual states have certain requirements for civil marriage (e.g., a marriage license, blood tests), the Catholic Church also has requirements before Catholics can be considered validly married in the eyes of the Church.** A valid Catholic marriage results from four elements*: (1) the spouses are free to marry; (2) they freely exchange their consent; (3) in consenting to marry, they have the intention to marry for life, to be faithful to one another **and be open to children*; and (4) their consent is given in the presence of two witnesses and before a properly authorized Church minister. Exceptions to the last requirement must be approved by church authority.

nccbuscc.org/laity/marriage/marriagefaqs.shtml


#10

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