Since a lot of people are taking my questioning and searching and debating due to my confusion in the wrong light, I thought I’d let you all know about where my situation is now:
You all know that I am having problems with the teachings, especially in the subject masturbation.
Basically it’s because of situations at home with my wife’s drive being so much lower than mine.
I’m not going to try to explain or justify anything here, I’m sure you all know about the specifics. (I may touch on some points later). Please don’t mistake my searching and questioning for trying to deceive others. I’m desperately trying to make sense of this in my mind.
So, here it is:
I’m planning on confession tomorrow morning, not for any specific sin, but more just for my sorrow for questioning the Church. I’m sure that questioning is allowed, but I do want to show the Lord that I love Him and that I’m just trying to understand the teachings that I’m struggling with.
Depending on the prompting of the priest in the confessional, I may explore the issue with him, but that’s not why I’m going.
I’m not actively engaging in masturbation at this time and haven’t (except one stumble) since I kicked the habit when I converted.
My wife is very, very happy with our marriage and profess this to me and various other family members.
I love my wife dearly and I think she is a wonderful person. I want to be with her until the day I die.
The only issue that we have in our marriage, is that she can’t understand our difference in libidos. After many, many discussions, talks, fights, trying different tactics, reasonings, suggestions, etc, she still can’t understand that it’s an issue. She is ignoring it and forgets about it soon after we talk. She is blissfully happy with our marriage.
I am going to stop talking about this issue with her. It leads to confrontation and arguing and any approach have been proven to be ineffective anyway.
I’m just going to go about my business and pray and hope that this gets better with time.
Many of you know that she is pregnant. The elusive Second Trimester “honeymoon phase” has not happened. She is still extremely sick and fatigued most of the time, so the opportunity to mend the libido thing, has not happened either.
I can see this thing staying the same for quite a while to come, we will most probably not be intimate at all until the birth. After the birth, with the new arrival, I cannot see how much intimacy there will be in that time either (this is normal and understandable), and when things are stabilized, we will be practicing NFP again, and the original problem of low libido/lack of intimacy will be back.
This is not about me wanting sex like some starved animal - please understand this. If that was the case I’d be masturbating already. The core of this issue is me wanting to be intimate with my wife. I want to share myself with her sexually, and I want her to share herself with me.
For my wife not to engage in sexual intimacy with me, gives me the feeling that she doesn’t find me attractive (subjective). She doesn’t yearn for me like I do for her. It makes me feel un-loved and unwanted.
This may not be true for all men, but it is certainly how I perceive the situation. I say “perceive”, since I know that she loves me. Intellectually, I know this, but my soul still yearns to become one with her. I married her, I love her and I want to show her that and I want her to show me that too, in the way that I want. I show her that in all her ways.
Anyway, this is where I am. On my way to confession and resigned in my situation.
I can’t say that I have resolved anything since this problem started, all the great advice I received here I have applied and I’m still where I started. You can understand why I started questioning. The tools I was given didn’t work at all…
Anyway, this post is not a debate, it’s just an update on where I am right now and a small justification to why I have been posting the way I have.
I’ll try to be less aggressive in my posts, I really will. Be assured that I’m really trying to get to understand this and I really hope that I can reconcile this teaching in my mind…but frustration sets in from time to time.