I’ll try to sum this up pretty quick.
I’ve been a Protestant all my life until this Sunday, when I convert to Catholicism. I used to be very sexually active, unable to resisit the temptations, and simply rationalizing it, and pretending that it’s not a sin.
This warped my entire view of marriage and becoming intimate with a wife in general. Many of the things I enjoyed doing I can’t do anymore once I’m married. I was under the impression my entire life that a wife I would have and I would be able to enjoy each other sexually, and that any sexual act with your spouse is simply uniting the bond. I actually yearned for marriage so I could stop feeling so guilty being trapped in the irresistable carousel of premarital sex. No “oral sex”? No “pulling out”? I can barely keep track of myself, and now I have to basically have children if I ever want to have sex again.
I was talking to a woman who I met online. She was a Catholic, but flirty, seductive, and I’ll be honest, she had every “sexy” feature a guy could ask for. A sure-fire knockout who was into a guy like me (I consider myself a solid 6, but she dug me). I sensed quickly she was very suggestive towards sexual acts, and I probed deeper. She kept showing me pictures and suggesting encounters. An overwhelming feeling of lust came over me. My body was shaking. I couldn’t put my phone down, delete the convo, and walk away. It was like “The ring” for the Lord of the Rings. The temptation to presue this girl, which would certainly lead to my lack of strength and high vulnerability in this area being crushed, and sex occurring, was irresistable and undeniable. I felt hopeless, my flesh had taken complete control.
I thankfully took the conversation towards my stances, BARELY. I told her how I wished we could go out on some dates, and then if things clicked we could do all of the things this bombshell described she enjoyed. But even if we did, and I fell to temptation, I would regret it with all of my heart, and it would tear me apart. I walked her through what would happen, how she would view that as a rejection, and she said it would tick her off and not call me back, and I said “exactly”. I made it clear that in my right state of mind, I want to be celibate, but even if we had a night together that got out of hand, It would crush me, and create conflict.
After this, however, she still teased out the possibility of enjoying each other. To sum things up, with my absolute and uncontrollable lust for this amazingly “sexy” woman by any man’s standards who openly wanted to provide me with pleasure, and my lack of confidence in my ability to, at the end of it all, turn down our impending date on Thursday night, I resorted to Masterbation, a sin in its own, and quickly realized how serious this situation is, how I simply cannot meet this woman. Meanwhile, although she claimed to be a Catholic, she had her own viewpoints (as so many new-agers do) about rationalizing what the church has deemed as sinful to being okay. I told her I wished the “rules” were different, but they aren’t, and this just wouldn’t work. I deleted the messenger I originally contacted her on, and deleted her number from my phone.
So, to sum it up, I did partake in the sin of masterbation, but it assisted me in not actively seeking pre-marital sex, something that had the intensity and power of any drug craving…
I know masterbation is a sin. It’s not something I will ever justify. However, I wonder if, in all of its complexity, this sin used in this circumstance actually helped me.
Certainly, it’d be great if I could be thinking rationally all the time, and simply say no, not interested. I wasn’t in that mental state, and the mental state I was in? I hate it.
I’m just curious to hear some feedback on my sinful evening, but also minor victory in haveing the strenght to cut ties with such an out-going, personable, beautiful woman who wanted to give me physical paradise.