This is kind of a mixed thread part venting part i dont know what....
I realized while in discernment i have to address and work on my anxiety, this after talking with my S.D/ the past month i have done way too much internal discerning, so much so i lost sleep over it and missed out on a few things i had the opprotunity to attend...
but it isnt as if anxiety rules my life, i have spouts of anxiety/panic attacks i guess in certain situations and it really blind sides me.. i can be excited and ready to go to anything for an anology of your choice, and the next i freeze and cant move ....
but this happens so rarely, so how detrimental is it, who knows, am i willing to work on it yes, win, lose or draw i dont want to have an anxiety/panic attack at every major event in my life or even on non events.
So I am moving forward on a bunch of fronts, with my S.D,, just recently sought out for a vocations director, will be participating more at my parish and hopefully find some employment in some form or another soon, be it a paying job or even volunteer work.
and i tend to be some what of an introvert, and that doesn't necessarily mean it is a negative aspect, just as the word propaganda is not confined as a negative.
And I realize everything I need to work on and have accepted a long time ago that I do have things to work on.
It just is what it is ...
What I find odd though I have never felt odd/ anxiety/ out of place/ uncertain / the constant pressures of my life during mass or/ rather especially in adoration.
and "patience" is the only thing that enters mind during the brief moments of real silence in adoration when i am the only one in there.
and im like good grief i need more patience ? I have been praying for more patience with my parents/ with myself in general and now being in discernment instead of some overwhelming calling that i can not deny, the word patience is what struck me the most.
I have had other striking thoughts or phrases enter my mind at times which I cant over think on but merely tuck away to reflect upon at a later time when there is some clarity or reference or a situation i can use to better understand why things pop up in my head.
whispers is more what i can relate it to if anything, how there is some scripture passage of someone trying to hear God, and all these loud events happened around the person yet it was not God trying to speak to the person, but a whisper in the wind came to the person and it was God...
And I can't help but think how much eaiser it is to hear loud things, rather than a whisper where one can only hope that he or she is not going mental.
though to be fair God doesn't whisper to people to do irrational or bad things, so why does he need to say it loudly ..
I will say this though, finding out the process of what it takes to get into a seminary is frustrating, one would think there would be a website from the vatican, your local parish, detailing everything..
how long it is suggested one spends in discernment with a spritual director/vocations director, how there is a process of going through background checks, psychological exams, writting essays, how long it could take to hear back from a seminary to find out if you are accepted or not, that one might go to a formation house before the seminary.
all these kinds of things took me about a month to figure out, and i had to literally pull the information out of people.
The only thing i am happy about is that it is a very long process, and i relate to my time in the army, how it took nothing but a passing score on the asvab test, some generic questions from a recuiter, sign the dotted line and off you go, pending what you want to get into you can be off on your way in a month or if you choose the Navy you could wait up to a year or more before getting in due to the mass amount of applicants.
I am greatful to know that people care in regards to discerning, that there are people to work with.
and that most important, it isn't up to me.. a person can choose how to serve in the military pretty much right up until they sign the dotted line..
but what i am looking at now is out of my hands, all i can do is say i am here, and follow things until the end.
I have had the opprotunity to meet some seminarians in my town, a great group of guys , very kind and welcoming, non judgemental, no pressure or interrogating, it felt like i had been with friends i had known for a long time.
I also like that fact that there is no commitment at this point in time in my life, and that there is no failure if it turns out i am not called.
and how true that is... how can anyone fail for not being called into a religious vocation if that person has at least attempted to step forward and say here i am... versus those who could be called and ignore or dont even try to step forward for what ever reason...
so from now till i hear from this vocational director i am working on making sure i can properly address and handle anxiety/ and what ever degree of introvertness i have, being more sociable and moving forward.
And I am greatful for this forum,,, it is hard to be open about ones faith when there is either no one to talk to about it or the people you know just dont care or just dont want to talk about faith in any form.