Venting!So angry!


#1

Just need to vent have not done that for a very long time. Not sure if anybody remembers me as I have not posted in a while.

Have you ever felt that you think you are moving baby steps forward but giant steps backwards. My ex drivers me insane. He does such funny things and does not realise what he is doing in front of the kids. We have been separated for 2 years and divorced 1 year (he divorced me) anyway he is living with his mistress who was 19 year old when they met she is about 21years old now and they have a 2 year old child together.

He is such a liar he saw a old school friend and told her that we were not together becoz we were not getting along which is not true the reason we were not together is becoz he cheated on our 13 year marriage with a 19 year old drug addict. So proud to talk about the 2 year old that he has but not about his legal/legitimate 2 kids from marriage. He pays maintenance when he feels like it and takes the kids for weekends when he feels like it. I cannot stop him from taking the kids becoz they want to go and see him. But him and Madam don’t think about what they are talking about in front the kids. He forgets that he is a 36 year old man he carries on like a 19 year old and even dresses like one.

His sister got married this weekend that went past my 7 year old daughter went becoz she was a flowergirl in the wedding but he 10 year old boy stayed becoz he was writing tests at school so he could not go. And this wedding is in our hometown which is 6 hours away. He took this girl to meet his family and guess what she was so welcomed in the family. It was as if nothing happened it was if this girl never caused the breakup of a marriage they even slept in a room together and they are not married. At first the family was saying before they met her that the child does not look like him all of a sudden the child looks like one of his sisters kids. The mother never spoke to him and asked him why is he not a part of his kids life. It was as if I never existed like I was never a part of this family.

Now this girl was talking on the phone in front of my 7 year old daughter telling her sister on the phone that she is now a part of the family. And that she will be getting married. Now my child is looking so hurt and confused. My ex never wanted to me to wear makeup for this young girl he buys all that. He had money to buy this girl and the child expensive outfits but not enough money to pay the maintenance for the month. He did not buy anything for the kids knowing that it is cold. To top it all off my daughters luggage was left behind and he, girlfriend and child’ luggage was not left behind. He brings the child back without her bag.

I felt that, that was so irresponsible that my childs luggage was not important to him and that it was so irresponsible of him to do that. It was if it was not important to him. And his mother should have checked to make sure that they child had all her stuff. And my ex mother-in-law has a nerve to say that her son is not irresponsible forgetting that for months and months he has not paid child support (maintenance). Is that not irresponsible.

Am I correct in not wanting my kids to be a part of my ex family. Am I wrong in thinking that they are backstabbers.


#2

You certainly have a right to be very angry!! I too would be upset if my in-laws welcomed a little chippie into the family that had broken up my family.
However, you should not keep your children from your ex’s family. That would be merely for vengeance and would be wrong.
Remember to pray for help in combating this terrible feeling of being out there alone. And see a lawyer about making sure that your ex pays child support! Judges are now very harsh on this, so follow up on this. Go to Legal Aid if you have to, but do keep on top of it, your children deserve to be financially supported.
I’ll keep you in my prayers, dear…:frowning:


#3

I will keep you in my prayers…I’m so sorry this is going on in your and your kids’ lives.:frowning:

I would seek legal counsel to take him back to court, to get the child support your kids deserve. They will even garnish wages in most states. I don’t think that he should be allowed to pay ‘whatever he likes.’ It hurts I’m sure to know that he had a child with another woman, but he sounds very lost. Like a lost and depraved soul, right now. I pray he comes back to God, because then and only then, will he be able to start behaving in a responsible manner to his children.

I will keep you and everyone involved in my prayers.


#4

I agree with this post, completely. Time to get the lawyers involved. It is unfortunate that two adults cannot work this out and need to get the legal system involved, but we are talking about your children and that is what is most important here. I, too am sorry to hear that you are going through this and that your ex has chosen this lifestyle, but we have to play with the hand that we have been dealt. From your post, Robaynne, you sound like you know what you are up against and are ready to do whatever it takes to provide for yourself and your children.

You need to get this straightened out, legally, so that he knows what the limitations are and put yourself back in the driver’s seat. I agree with WG, you need to get the maintenance agreement adjusted and I am pretty sure that most all states will garnish wages now. For the sake of your kids, you need to get this taken care of.

God bless you!!


#5

You need to get a lawyer involved. However you have no control over how he or his mistress of his family behave. The only thng you have control over is how you react to it. Ask yourself this question"why should I give these people the power to hurt me so much?" You do need to watch out for your Daughter but as far as the rest of them go let them wallow in their sin and celebration of sin and leave the outrage for God.


#6

Robaynne,

If I am not mistaken, you live in South Africa.

Does South Africa have a similar enforcement of maintenance (“Child Support” is the term used in the USA) that we have in the USA. In the USA, if the father fails to pay the court ordered ordered child support, the mother of the children can have the court garnish his wages. That is the child support, including any unpaid support, would be withheld from his paycheck and paid directly to you. In addition, in the USA, a petition can be filed with the national tax agency, the IRS, and if the father owes any back child support, that amount can be deducted from any tax refund and paid to the mother directly.

Does South Africa have similar laws? Do you know your legal options?

As for the bad and hurtful behavior of your ex-husband, I am very sorry. You are certainly in my prayers.

May God grant you His peace.


#7

Well, I’ll just say it: your exhusband is not in his right mind. I can’t understand how people can live like this and have no shame. Including my husband, so I understand how you feel.

If your kids are being mistreated, not just ignored, you have an excuse to try to change the visitation arrangement. You have every right to ask the courts to give you enough child support.

I know how it feels when you realize that you have been replaced in the inlaws’ family. When I first realized it, I also realized that the inlaws and I really didn’t share many morals or value, but the OW was more like them than I ever was, and that they all belonged together. When your ex acts like he does, try to consider the source and don’t let it get to you so much.

You have so much stability to offer your kids. Focus on them.


#8

Hi All

Thanx for you advice. RPP yes I am from South Africa. The laws are strict but here was I giving this man grace as the father of my child. They will arrest him and put him in jail for 2 weeks without bail. But I have decided that I am sick and tired of feeling sorry for him when he is not feeling sorry for his own flesh and blood.

The worst part of it, is that he grew up with a mother only his father died when he was still young and it hurt him so much to see his mother battle and struggle to support them. And there he goes and does the same thing to his own kids. But I have been praying to God for a break through. I have come so far in the past two years. And it has been by God’s grace that I am where I am today.

I was such a mess when I found out about the affair. The worst part is that I used to feel so sorry for this girl. My ex was a store manager and this girl was a casual worker. She was so young at that time 19years old and her parents sent her here to get away from a drug called (Tik) it is a very cheap drug and they use light globes to smoke out of it. Then she started doing other drugs. I never expected there to be an affair she was just to young. But I guess we were having so many problems he was physically and emotionally abusive. He was very posessive and jealous of me. I was the strong one and he tried to break me many times. We tried councelling we even went to Retrouvaille but things never worked out. He did not want to change when he met me I was not slim and trim. But he wanted to make me into something I was not. I tried to diet but gave up. But he was also addicted to porn. It really affected our marriage. There was a time when I was ready to leave him and he begged and pleaded with me to not leave and give it one last try and when I did a couple of months later he did this. The problem with him is that he thinks he is 19 instead of the 36 year old man he is. He looks young and dresses young. So with this girl he feels young. He is the man where as with me he was never the man. She does not work so he is the that pays for everything. With a result after paying for everything there is no money left for the kids. And he knows that I will not standby and let my children suffer.

When I found out about the affair I fell to pieces I took a overdose I did not want to live. I landed up in hospital. But out of the 15 years together 11 of those years I was seen by a Psychiatrist and was on Anti-depressants. After getting discharge from hospital from the suicide attempt I was back in hospital had a nervous breakdown when I found out she had gotten herself pregnant. I had to undergo shock treatment to get me out of the depression.

Then God gave me the shock of my life making me realise that I need to stop doing this to myself I have two kids to support and look after. I just had to be strong for them. It is not easy I have two jobs the one I do from 7am to 5pm and these other people that I know have a busy and I do extra typing for them. I just wish that I could be totally and completely not dependant on him for anything. Why should I beg a 36 year old man to support his own kids. It is as if he only has a 2 year old and the amazing part is it his child. But by his actions he is showing me that he just does not care about the kids that he will not go out of his way for them.

I am so tired of this battle and struggle I pray to God every day to give me the strength to just walk away and not remind this man to take care of his kids. Remind him about winter clothes etc. He does nothing and I mean nothing the little money he pays does not cover half the stuff that I pay. I pay for the house, medical aid (for me and the kids), transport to school, groceries, nanny to look after them, electricity, school fees. He tells the court that he can only afford a certain amount everymonth. That was two years ago and I do not have the energy and strength to take off work and go and sit and apply for the garnishing order as you sit there the whole day becoz there are so many other women waiting there to do the same thing.

It is sad to think how many people out there are going through the same thing some are even worse than me. When you hear other womens stories you want to cry. And thank God that you got out of the marriage when you did. I have met so many women the past year or so who have found out that they husbands cheated but the worst part is that they have affected them the HIV Virus or AIDS. And here are they dying and the husband is still alive. Then there are those who have 3 kids and the man has awol and they don’t know where he is. Or those who are in a abusive relationships but are scared to get out becoz they are not working.


#9

Sorry that it was so long. But I am tired of keeping these feelings inside. I feel that if I do not let it out I am going to end up down the same road I was at 2 years ago. God has blessed me in so many ways after that last breakdown and the shock treatment I have been fine. I have not seen the Psychiatrist for 2 years or been on medication. I do not get that bad as I used to.

The marriage was killing me day by day. I had to pull myself up from the ground so much. I feel sometimes instead of moving forward I keep moving backwards. The worst part about this whole drama is that the parish I used to go to I stopped going to I tried so hard to get an appointment with the priest there. Without any luck. The area I live in is very Portuguese and they take care of the priest they buy him car, send him on holidays etc. So it was not easy and I was at a point whereby I needed to speak to somebody. And while in hospital this couple prayed for me I do not know them but they came and prayed for me. There after they introduced me to another group of Christian people and I tell you if it was not for this people I would not be where I am right now. I pray more than I ever used to, I read the bible more than I used but I made peace with God. I did not blame me for the situation I was in or asked him why had he forsaken me I did feel like that. The part about Christian people that is so different about Catholic people is that you can talk to them and they will never judge you. They are so supportive and are there for you no matter what. I was ver disappointed in the Catholic Church as I needed so badly to see the priest but that never happened. The other parishes in the other area were to far for me to go. But I needed to go through this to get me to where I am right now.

Yes I am angry but I am realising that I will get over it. I was very angry and I was shouting and screaming asking God why is this happening to me. I have changed so much I do not party or drink anymore. I read my bible I pray I have done the right things. Why am I suffering and he is not. Here am I all alone and there is he with a new family already. He does not seem to be suffering. When I was with my ex we had to have 2 salaries his money was not enough for us to survive. How is she able to stay at home and look after the baby where as I had to go to work 3 months after my kids were born. How come we were struggling so much but he does not seem to be struggling at all. He is living in sin, does not go to church, making plans to get married. When we got married my family paid for everything he family just could not afford to contribute towards the wedding. He did not want me wearing makeup he is buying her makeup. She wears these stilleto high heals shows and I was not allowed to. He dresses her up they he wants her to look. And from what I heard she dresses like the women in the porn movies.

But I feel sorry for her. I know that I should not but. He was very abusive physically and emotionally. But maybe he will never hit her the way he used to hit me. He did not want me to have friends. He wanted to control me but could not where she he controls. She is still so young what does she know about life. Their 2 year old child lived with her mother more than with them. The child only came to stay with them 3 months ago before he went to the sisters wedding now on the 31st May. He started taking the children for weekends 3 months before he went to see his family. Now that the wedding is over he could not be bothered with the kids. As far as his mother is concerned her son is not irresponsible he is a good father to his kids. In front of the family he carries on like that. It looks like I am a liar when I say that he pays child support only when he feels like it. But a mother will always stay up for her son.

That is why I want my kids from away from him and his family. He can marry her and move on with his life. But I was married to him for 13 years and he treated me so badly those 13 years. Maybe this girl is the one maybe they were meant to be together.

The hardest part about everything is that I am 33 years old and I know that I will never meet another man ever. No man want to marry a divorced mother of two. And a overweight women either. And I never go to places whereby I can meet anybody anyway. And another thing I will not be able to get an anulment. So I just have to except that I am going to be alone and that there is nothing that I can do about it. I also do not have the energy to start dating or meet anyone.


#10

Sweetie, you don’t have time to play the romance game anyway. I was 33 when the xh left for the second time. I’ve spent so much time raising my kids, I don’t miss the dating and the drama. My kids need ME because I’m the only parent who pays attention.

We have lots in common. I’m further down the road than you. I can predict your future. :wink: Ignore him. Don’t focus on him or his mother or his family. Don’t worry they don’t care about you. Let them watch him fall on his face again. Eventually they will figure out that he is the fool. They will. It will just take a few more years. The same flaws that led him to walk away from you will lead him to leave the new girl and that child eventually. Mine is already on his second fiancee after the divorce. That won’t last either. They all get younger and younger. Eventually they will be younger than our oldest daughter I bet.

Get the child support through the courts. Ignore him. Let the kids see his family if THEY want. Don’t talk about them in front of the kids. Eventually, they will all have the relationship with your kids they deserve. If your kids go there and see favoritism, they won’t want to go back. Kids figure things out very quickly. You just be constant, loving, and put their needs first.

And don’t be too hard on the Catholic Church. It is the ONE church that teaches that leaving your spouse is seriously wrong. So many other Christian churches kind of look the other way and wink at divorce and remarriage. The Catholic Church has always viewed what your ex husband is doing as horrible and a complete sin.

I’m sorry one priest wasn’t good, but don’t let that keep you from all the rest of it.

Just keep loving your children. And apply for an annulment. You won’t know unless you try. Don’t worry about being alone. Right now you need that to heal. The kind of man you’d attract now with all your sadness and anger would not necessarily be the kind you’d want. Wait until you are happier, older, more settled and more confident. The kind of man who would be attracted to that would be a better man than the one who left his family.

Good luck!


#11

Great post, Liberanosamalo!


#12

From what I have read Robaynne, you are not losing much.

Kathy


#13

Kids are smarter than you think. Although they don’t discuss it at their age, they really can see through this. When they are older they will let both you and your ex know of the flaws they have identified in both of you.

Forget about your anger and focus on showing only love for your kids. Don’t discuss the flaws of your spouse with anyone including the kids. This is a personal matter between you and your husband and the more you talk about the flaws in him, the more they will recognize flaws in you.

Anger is like cancer. It eats away the beholder until it eventually consumes the beholder entirely. If you love your kids, teach them the joys of love versus the terrible inner turmoil and upset created by anger. The latter creates not only misery but also terrible disease and even death in some cases.

Until you free yourself from the terrible grip of anger, both you and your children will remain forever under its cold, cruel, severe and unrelenting control of you.


#14

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