VERY COMPLICATED SITUATION - Please Help (Relationship Advice)


#1

Hi,
I have a very complicated situation that I’m seeking advice for, biblically speaking.
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years.
We met online over 3 years ago, and are from different countries (Ireland and US).
Yes before anyone asks, We are both young ADULTS, and we have carried our relationship on to “real life” (lol).

We had plans for us to start our lives together fully in June 2009 and move out together, and possibly even get married. We almost got Married a few weeks ago actually but that’s another story.
His Mother is an issue. His Mother has never been accepting of our relationship and since she’s known about us, she’s played countless mind games trying to manipulate my boyfriend, and has put him in many situations of where he’s made to feel bad etc because of her selfishness.
In a nutshell, She doesn’t ever want him leaving Ireland.
She’s went as far to say that if he leaves and comes to me then she will consider their relationship dead.
She’s never even met me, and she’s hated me since she’s known about me.

Well, like I said we were suppose to move out together in June, but she had other plans.
She duped my boyfriend into believing that there was no way he could come here and work, because of citizenship issues, and because he needed a college degree to get any kind of a decent job etc.
So she basically forced him to go to College, and now he’s enrolled in School for 3 years.

I realize that Citizenship is an issue, but he knows that I would NEVER expect him to come to me unless he were able to work and be considered a permanent resident and could apply for Citizenship.

This whole situation has me extremely stressed, and depressed at times.
I’m constantly Jealous because of Females attempting to get his Attention at College, and I’m here unable to do anything about it. I trust him, but I can’t help but be jealous.
I’m sure anyone would be Jealous in my situation.

I’m not sure what to do.
I really love him, we love each other more than anything and both want to be together but thanks mainly to his family, we’re stuck apart for at least 3 years.
We visit each other, and talk every day, but that’s not the point.
I want to be with him now, and he wants to be with me too.
But once again, he feels that he needs to get a College Degree in order to get any kind of a job here. Anytime we argue and I mention him coming here he says “Dont you want me to do anything with my life” or “I don’t want to work at McDonalds for my entire life”.

He never wanted to go to School until his Mother started her mind games.
I realize he loves her, and I’m glad her does. To me what would be perfect would be if all of our families lived close to each other, and got along.

I’m just not sure what to do.
Religiously speaking what is the right thing for us both to do?
Should I present him with an option to choose either be with me or take a path without me?

Thanks for taking the time to read this
God bless


#2

Well im not exactly sure how often you guys visit each other, but I’m sure that can get pricey.
Personally, I would go visit him in Ireland, and meet his mom. Even though some people do not think you are marrying the other persons parents, I think it matter sense a lot of what he does seems to be influenced by his mother. Is it possible for you to go to Ireland? Why dont you want to move to Ireland?
I dont know what religion you are, but you are technically not supposed to live together prior to marriage, especially since this will cause a big temptation for you.
I know you have known him for 3 yrs, but it may be completly different if you are with him for an extended period of time.
How old are you? If you are still young, 3 years really isnt “that” long.
How does your family feel about this situation?


#3

Yes, your parents should get together and become interested in each other. You are taking a chance on getting between and son and his mother, especially an Irish mother.
Perhaps you both should wait until he does have a good job and a working permit to work in America, and apply for citizenship. Yo didn’t mention your means of support or the income he is capable of earning, the family he is able to support.
Sweetheart, if you don’t have a beautiful engagement ring, he is free to travel.
Remember: so many girls so little time !
Spend the next three years preparing yourself for marriage, perhaps he will come around with a great education and a great job and want you to be his wife for ever.
Let his mother know what a great Catholic Girl you are.
Remember : so many guys so little time.
Use your time well
God Bless your efforts, good hunting.:):):):):):):):slight_smile:


#4

I would give your boyfriend a really hard second look. He has let his mother manipulate him in staying with her instead of being with you. That doesn’t sound like a good way to begin a life together, to me. I know you have invested 3 years in this realationship, but maybe this would be a good time to think about letting it go. :shrug:


#5

I think the suggestion of maybe you moving there is a good idea ??? and, maybe you should meet his mother, and than she can see the great girl you are… and might be open to him moving. Because, she doesn’t know what kind of girl you are unless she meets you, so of course she is going to be protective of her son. You and your families should all meet, at least once and see what happens from there.


#6

As a Catholic mother, I also would try to influence my son not to jump into a sinful “living together” relationship. It is my job to help my son get to heaven, and living a life of sexual immorality will not help that goal one bit.

Find God, get your life on track, then pray for God to help you find a young man who shares your faith. A young man who will marry you and help you get to heaven.


#7

Seems to me his mother gave him some very sound advice. A minimum education and moving to the US of A without a decent job possibility would result in a very poor family situation. His mother may be a classic example of the clinging Irish mother, but someone in the family needs some common sense and she appears to have it. Maybe you could move to Ireland and go to University there too. In three years you both might be candidates for a super job in any country and much better equipped to marry and raise a family.:slight_smile:


#8

Hi there-
I’m going to take a guess here that the 89 might be the year you were born and not the year you graduated high school which would make you 20 - or am I completely off and this is something else?
You’ve come to a Catholic website asking for advice, so I’m going to for go what I expect lots on here would say about living together before marriage, etc.etc. -
One question I do have is is he from the North or South of Ireland - and therefore is is mum Catholic? If not you may have just uncovered a HUGE reason why she wants to get between the two of you. I have been involved with a son who had a very Catholic mum and you really need to ask yourself - is this something I want to put up with until she dies (and consequently, how long do people in his family live - because you may think that she’ll kick the bucket sooner than later and she may live longer than either of you)
If your fellow is listening to his mum before you, you may want to ask him if the two of you marry if this is something he’s planning to do constantly in your marriage. I get that he’s supposed to leave his family and “cling” to you like the Bible says, but some of those ties, especially in and Irish family are REALLY deep - if you seriously KNOW you want this man, which it seems you do - you need to get yourself over to meeting his mum and get her on YOUR side - if the two of you do finally get married in a few years, then you’re going to need it. There are good things that can come from having a mother like that on your side - and even worse thing can come of her NOT being on your side, which I think you’ve already learned. I really hope this guy is the GREATEST in the world to you - because you’re putting off a lot of other possibilities and fun if you are 20. I hate to say it, but what one fellow said on here was correct - no ring, he’s able to do as he will - there’s also the out of state out of mind saying, which unfortunately is true more often then not. Do all you can to keep in touch with him - but for goodness sakes, DON"T suffocate him with you constantly calling, bugging, etc - figure out a way over there - you seem serious - but until then - seriously let him come to you - it is SUCH A HARD THING TO DO -I know - but the results, if this is truly meant to be are wonderful. Make him wonder what you’re up to - I must agree about how both of your lives will be changed after he finishes university. It will be so much better and easier to make money - and I know money isn’t everything but in this world, it’s a lot - and it is sooo much easier to be happy with some money than without. Many relationships/marriages end because of financial problems. Please, give him some time - he may begin to think - wow if I don’t hurry this up and get her, she may go get someone else. Let him think of you WITHOUT his mother in mind - there is nothing that spoils romance like thinking about one’s mother or mother in law. Also, have the two of you thought about if you even want kids or how many? Have you thought about where you’ll live? There are a million things to discuss before marriage that really need to be decided prior to it occuring. And I bet your mum would love to give you a huge wedding - also, how does your family feel about the relationship? Are you in college or going to go? Sorry to throw out so many questions but they are ones the two of you need to discuss. I don’t know if this helped at all, but I hope you won’t mind answering some of the questions as it may help us better advise you.
Sincerely
Ryecroft aka Annie


#9

Just a few thoughts AmericanGirl -

His mum is probably very ‘old school’, and I know some generations find it hard to accept the whole online relationship situation, not because of you but without seeing you or witnessing your ‘courtship’ so to speak, she can’t get a ‘feel’ for you and who you are, so she can’t be sure of your sincerity. What are you giving up for him?

"She’s went as far to say that if he leaves and comes to me then she will consider their relationship dead"

  • Yeah, she’s Irish. :stuck_out_tongue: The drama is always that severe, believe me - that probably sounds to you like a harsh thing for her to say to her son, it sounds like a normal conversation in my family!

You might be a little blinkered about your boyfriend - you can’t really be ‘duped’ into college, and unless he joined the Armed Forces over there, he is under no obligation to stay at college, he can leaves when he likes.
His mum in all likelihood did guilt trip him into going, but honestly, higher education is only going to help you - she was right in saying you need a college degree to get a decent job. If you can put aside your thoughts that his mother made him go to spite you, you might be able to appreciate and support his effort to secure a brighter future for you both.

Now, why are you jealous? What girls are trying to get his attention? Did he tell you there are girls doing this or are you assuming this is the case?
If he told you girls are doing this, it’s a bit mean and unnecessary…
If you are assuming this, you are creating drama where there need not be, causing yourself stress over nothing and hurting your boyfriend by causing him stress.

It has been mentioned by other posters about you moving to Ireland, is that a possibility? You could move there to be with him while he studies and then return together once he has his degree. To honour the Catholic faith and avoid the temptation you shouldn’t live together until you get married, so unless you intend on getting married right away you would need to prepare to live alone or with other girls once you got there. Having a couple of years marriage under your belt would probably help him to get residency/citizenship too I would think.
It’s probably worth a discussion at least - work out the pros and cons of each together to work out what would be best for you as a couple. (Ireland is very beautiful by the way!)

Try to find a way to understand his mother and where she is coming from, it is much better for you to really try to make this compromise before asking him to choose between the two women he loves the most. You need to put yourself in your boyfriends shoes as well, this must be really hard for him to be so torn. :slight_smile:

Best of luck x x


#10

Hold out for an expensive wedding here in the States. Your parents will pay for the wedding.
He can apply for a student visa, or perhaps a work permit if he can fingd a job before he comes here. Get married in the Roman Catholic Church and live happlly ever after.
God Bless you and your man:):):):slight_smile:


#11

I agree, don’t pressure him, don’t push. He must come to you freely and sincerely and eagarly. Have you ever baked a cake without all of the ingrediences or baked the cake for half of the time suggested? Something beautiful before its time is awful:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:


#12

His poor, poor mother! She is facing what she sees as never seeing again a super important person to her if he moves from the country! She needs prayer.

As far as getting the college degree, from the perspective of unemployment, a college degree is awfully important these days. Yes, it is possible (with God anything is possible) to get a good job without one, however the likelihood is awfully small!

If college girls are going to take his mind from you, then the same thing is likely to happen (in a different setting) 10 years from now - while married. You are lucky to be able to have your love tested now.


#13

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