Hey everyone, I could really use some prayers at the moment. I think that I am currently going through an extreme dark night of the soul (even though my entire spiritual life since I’ve become more devout has felt like one). I’m not sure why God is doing what He’s doing right now, and it’s hard to trust Him. After searching farther and farther into it, the heights and ideals of Christian spirituality seem very depressing. Maybe I don’t want great graces. I’ve only been a practicing Catholic for like two years and I’m 17 years old, please don’t tell me this is what it’s going to be like for the rest of my life. I would almost rather not live it. Is that really how someone should live – not wanting to? I’ve always disliked the idea of the dark night of the soul. Why would God make people suffer so much to purge them of worldly attractions that He made and that are “good”? I just want to be happy. I don’t want to be so focused on God that I forget how to live the life that He gave me in a truly human way. Offering my sufferings up feels like a weak plea to make meaning of them. I was so much more happy before I truly started to believe in God. I almost want to just plateau in my growth in faith because progression only seems dreadful and boring. I don’t think I’m made for this. I don’t know how more of this I can do. Lord God, free me from my anxiety. Lord God, give me strength.
I’m sorry if I sound like a lunatic right now, I just have a lot of thoughts that I wanted to get out. I have a history of anxiety, depression, and scrupulosity, and they all seem to be rearing their heads again. I should be seeing a Catholic therapist soon. Hopefully this is not a dark night of the soul and is just a psychological issue.
Please remember me in your intentions tonight. God bless