very scared


#1

Hi everyone, hope you are all well.

My fiance and I have been having some financial issues but now we are both working properly this should resolve itself. I have also been unwell with a mystery illness I have suffered with on and off for nearly ten years. I am finally being reviewed by a specialist consultant.

I need your advice. I am a hard working medical professional as is my fiance. I have been engaged before and my previous fiance’s left me before the wedding day. Usually when I had just gotten used to the idea of being a wife and hopefully a mother :frowning: .

With my fiance now I cant help but feel that I am failing him, all the time no matter what it is I do. He has his moments of moodiness and not wanting affection as I believe we all do. My problem is that when he feels like this my heart automatically hurts and I begin to fear he is going to leave me, or doesn’t want me anymore.

Is God punishing me for not being good enough before? Am I just not meant to share my life with someone else? Am I not meant to feel the joy of becoming a mother? I have never been unfaithful, I have always been honest. My fiance insists he is just tired, or worried about my health or finances. But I am so scared that the problem yet again is me :frowning: so much so last night I cried myself to sleep and am sure to do the same thing again tonight.

How can I be a better wife, to this man who I love so deeply and truly?


#2

Don't beat yourself up on what you think is going on. Find out for sure. Talk to him. Communication goes a long way.

I am going through a bad deal right now. I am married and I am in love with another woman whom I work with. However, it doesn't mean my wife is less of a woman. I just feel I am missing something. Not to say my actions have an excuse, but those are my reasons, valid or not.

I wish my wife would communicate with me better, rather than nagging and yelling at me. I probably would not be looking at other women if she'd open up to me.


#3

Friday_Child,

First off: God is NOT punishing you, hold to your faith and love in and from Him and he will guide you. I am sorry for your health issues and I pray that they are resolved soon. As for being not good enough never think that that, flat out.

When we tells you that he is worried about you health or finances, or just tired try to encourage him to discuss these things further, try to have him open up to you. But do not think that you are the problem, it really could be that he is tried, and in this economy everyone is worried, but as he does love you very much he most likely is worried for you.

If you are still worried, and you both do not mind maybe postpone the wedding if the day has not been set yet. Just to make sure there is no underlining issues that need to be resolved. But again I cannot say this enough – do not think that you are the problem, you are making all the attempts to love and support him and that is all any wife needs to do.

Winter


#4

[quote="GeorgeLopez, post:2, topic:277756"]
Don't beat yourself up on what you think is going on. Find out for sure. Talk to him. Communication goes a long way.

I am going through a bad deal right now. I am married and I am in love with another woman whom I work with. However, it doesn't mean my wife is less of a woman. I just feel I am missing something. Not to say my actions have an excuse, but those are my reasons, valid or not.

I wish my wife would communicate with me better, rather than nagging and yelling at me. I probably would not be looking at other women if she'd open up to me.

[/quote]

This is off topic from what the op put in his message, but I would like to offer you, GeorgeLopez some advice.
Please communicate with your wife and tell her you want better communication in your marriage. Explain how you feel and suggest counseling and/or talking to a priest, maybe even that organization where couples having a not quite so happy marriage can go and learn how to communicate.

Please do not rationalize your attraction to another woman. That is sin, and goes against your vows. Pray much and ask the Lord what you can do to fix this.

May the Lord and our Blessed Mother lead you!


#5

Friday’s child,

I think we tend to ANALYZE everything to the nth degree.

Prayers zinging your way.
:slight_smile:


#6

I think in your situation, you have little helpful to offer others except words of warning “Don’t do what I am doing.” When you actually repent for what you’ve done, go to confession and truly understand what happened, then you might have something useful to give to others. As for now, I’d just pray, and ask God for forgiveness.


#7

Dear OP,

I think your confidence is very low. You are taking what your fiance does personally. Actually, his moods probably have very little to do with you, and even if they do, there is nothing you can do about his emotions or moods. There’s a phrase I’ve heard, “Other people’s opinions of me are none of my business.” Even in a marriage, there is such a thing as trying to be in the spouse’s head and figure out every single little thing they do or say. And I tell you this as someone who has done just this, throughout most of my 23 years of marriage (13 in the Church). It is co-dependent to base your own emotions on what you believe another person to be feeling, with no evidence at all to confirm this. It comes from YOUR past, not the other person. Now, even if you figure out that his moods are not directly related to you, I am not saying he has permission to act out. You can have a boundary about his moodiness such as, “When you are grumpy, please do not slam things around, because it frightens me,” or, “If you are sulking, I am afraid that you are angry with me and will leave me, so please let’s talk out our problems calmly.”

If you can’t trust that your fiance loves you and is not going to leave you for no reason, you could end up sabotaging the marriage yourself through insecurity. I’d suggest doing some counseling to help you gain some confidence. Spiritual direction would be another thing to seek, someone who can guide you through the Scriptures so you can concentrate on knowing God and not predicting disaster in your marriage.


#8

If my fiancé is in a bad mood I find telling him that all I want to do is help him feel better, and what can I do for you,helps a lot!


#9

This is off topic…
But did you ever stop and think that maybe your wife would NOT be nagging and yelling at you if she really felt loved and unique for you? Do you think she does not sense on some level what is going on and how ready you are to just go “looking at other women” and blame her for it too?


#10

OP, it sounds like you have many insecurities because of past wounds and that is making you paranoid now. I have the same struggle. Something you have to realize about men is that they are attracted to a woman who is confident, calm, and joyful. If you start to let yourself get weighed down by self doubt and crippling fear, he’s just going to pull farther away from you.

Men really worry a lot (sometimes subconsciously) about being able to take care of the woman they love. If he feels he can never be enough for you then he may start to shut down. You need to fully put your trust in God and let HIM be the one to take care of you. Don’t count on your fiance to be perfect or to heal all your wounds. Please take care of yourself and take advantage of the sacraments and constant prayer. Pray for your fiance. Rather than focusing too hard internally on your feelings of hurt and fear, just try to get at the heart of what’s going on with your fiance. Good luck to you :hug1:


#11

[quote="Friday_child, post:1, topic:277756"]

With my fiance now I cant help but feel that I am failing him, all the time no matter what it is I do. He has his moments of moodiness and not wanting affection as I believe we all do. My problem is that when he feels like this my heart automatically hurts and I begin to fear he is going to leave me, or doesn't want me anymore.

[/quote]

I can't speak for all guys and certainly not your fiancé, but I know it's common for many of us sometimes to need to retreat a little into ourselves, especially if stressed or worried or when there's a lot of things on our minds. So he's not necessarily pulling away from you but just withdrawing into himself sometimes.

Now, if that's the case, the initial instinct of wanting to talk about it isn't always right, because sometimes those of us who feel this way really, really need a little quiet and solitude, as it helps relieve stressful emotions, collect one's thoughts and solve problems, and talking when we're unable to fully engage can make us feel guilty about it. Sometimes it can make us physically uncomfortable and irritable because it feels like talking is a distraction preventing us from gathering our thoughts. From his point of view, he might not yet know what needs to be discussed until he has had time to think about it.

So if that's the case and that's what he's feeling in these situations, then this sort of behaviour is completely benign and just telling him that it looks like's he's worked hard and he needs a little peace to rest and collect his thoughts, and that you're there for him if he needs you, should make him feel like you're one of those rare angels who understands him.


#12

[quote="Friday_child, post:1, topic:277756"]
With my fiance now I cant help but feel that I am failing him, all the time no matter what it is I do. He has his moments of moodiness and not wanting affection as I believe we all do. My problem is that when he feels like this my heart automatically hurts and I begin to fear he is going to leave me, or doesn't want me anymore.

[/quote]

My wife found this couple who gives talks on marriage and the differences between men and women (I can't remember their names at the moment, but I'll be sure to ask her if anyone here would like to know).

(DISCLAIMER: I am about to deal in generalities)

They talked about how men and women literally think differently. Women, they said, are like spaghetti - every strand on the plate touches another strand, which touches another, and so on. To women, everything is connected. (My wife put it to me this way - women, she said, tend to see everything through the filter of relationships.)

Men, on the other hand, are like waffles. We're in one square...then we move to a different square...and then to another. If we're in a square, that's all we're thinking about. We may be able to switch squares quickly (thus giving the clever illusion of multi-tasking), but we're never actually focusing on more than one thing at a time. And sometimes we shift squares slowly (often manifested in the dreaded "I'm sorry, honey...what was that you just said?"). Sometimes (and this shocked my wife and made me laugh) we can think about nothing at all.

The point? Women connect; men compartmentalize. A man is moody because he had a rough day at work, or he's thinking about having to mow the lawn later, or any of a million other reasons. Or maybe he looks moody but is really just zoned out. A woman sees this and thinks "He's upset," and almost immediately the follow-on thought is "Was it something I did (or didn't do)?"

If the couple is good at communicating with each other, this generally isn't a problem. They talk it out, she realizes he's not mad at her about anything and he gets the warm fuzzy feeling because she's shown concern for him. But if they're not, this can degenerate into a passive-aggressive time bomb.

The moral of the story? Communication is key.


#13

[staring blankly]
“What are you thinking about?”
“Huh? Nothing.”
“No. Really.”
“Yeah, really.” or [makes something up because he doesn’t expect “nothing” to be a credible answer, when in fact it really was nothing.]


#14

Give him plenty of space, and don’t make your life solely about him. Make sure you have other interests and hobbies that you enjoy so that you aren’t smothering him.
Also, don’t be that weepy nagging chick who needs her man to validate her every hour on the hour. That gets old fast for dudes.


#15

Hi Everyone

thank you so much for your very supportive replies. I managed to read them the other day but have only just had chance to reply.

I have taken your advice on board and have at least started to put it into action. I am offering him the chance to talk and leaving the room to give him space if he seems to need it. I am trying not to nag him :lol:

I attended church today for palm sunday and prayed for yet another family friend who has become seriously ill (the fifth person now :frowning: )

My fiance has begun discussing the wedding a lot more positively recently. His family have recently stayed with us and he seems happy to make the most of the time we have alone together :slight_smile:

I am praying this positivity continues and that I will be a good enough wife to my wonderful husband to be. I am very insecure at the moment but I am trying to change this.

Thank you again for your lovely replies. And George Im sorry but I fail to see how your situation is linked to mine at all but I wish you well, and more importantly your poor wife well x


#16

I am sorry you not been well with a mystery illness. I have only had a cold on and off for 7 month as it keeps coming back due to rituximab in the summer and no spleen. Since september I have caught every cold going in time and was most disgruntled on wednesday when a cold was clearing up to GP satisfaction. Earlier that day I been sat outside with him ‘carefully’ not looking at me too much as such and it was a cold I just had as I recongised its noises:D and by friday was ill again enough to visit A&E for immediate medicine. I am learning slowly but you be feeling quite run down of ten years finding out what it is and working hard.

Sadly I cannot offer any relationship guidence being single and mostly happy with being single. I am 43 and 99% of the time I am content enough. I am not the marital type and am far to selfish I think for anyone to want to bother with me for long :smiley: That 1% does wonder but when I see all around me I think I am just as happy single as many couples are around. I couldn’t cope with all the uncertainity. One thing about being happily single is that there are no rows with a partner and no children to hurt as they are growing up.

It might be wise to say, just go with the flow? Just be. What happens today is your life and what happens tomorrow is your life. Don’t try to think about a relationship in terms of marriage and the future but just hold onto what you have now. Appreciate it and if it fails, then I think you lucky you haven’t had failed marriages because am certain thats far messier all round. Just take each day, by day and learn to live for now in your relationships. Enjoy what you have and live for that. If next day comes along and he is no longer there, then that has saved you from another potential divorce at least. People are affraid of commitment. Not just guys. But people. Some get cold feet. Its why to take it really steady and gentle day by day. If it takes five years to build that relationship then thats even better because you will know each other better. I personally really don’t like couples when they get married within months of meeting. No wonder the divorce rate is high because they haven’t really given themselves chance to really know if their relationship is working etc.

Don’t worry. Offer you concern to God and let him be in control of where its all going. Peace be with you and God is loving. God does not punish. You are most definately not being punished by God or by anyone.


#17

:rotfl: sigh… too true


#18

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