Very upset and distressed


#1

Do some of you get weary and fustrated with the world around you; even within your own home? Does this fustration hinder your quest for holiness? How do you deal with it and why?

I tell you that this has been an ongoing battle. There are few and far between that share the quest that I have; to be holy and a servant of God. It is difficult enough to have to juggle all the responsibilities of this life. It is very hard to find a balance. My main challenge is rearing my pre-teen girls in this society. It is proving to be very fustrating.

Regardless of my home life or family or job or anything else, the Holy Spirit tells me one thing over and over, "Get up, and continue walking in the path of the Lord; never look behind but always follow His light." Does this mean that I go forward even when my family is not willing to follow? How do I get them to follow other than teaching them the ways and 'trying' to be an example myself? The lure of this world is proving to be stronger at times. Must I just pray and rely on faith alone?

Is this how many true believers feel? Must we always be self-sacrificing even when those closest to you deny you and put you down? Can we truly find peace and happiness in this lifetime?

God Bless:)
MJ


#2

yup that’s what it means, take up your cross daily and follow Christ. No you cannot do it on the strength of your own faith alone, you can only do it in complete submission to all Christ commands, to the will of His Father, and in uniting your struggles with His suffering. your girls are pre-teen, that means they wear what you tell them to wear, watch, read and listen to what you allow, socialize with friends you approve in settings you supervise, participate in Mass and religious education, do chores you assign, and so forth. You don’t have to give a 10 page explanation of every decision, just tell them in love you are their mother and God has given you the task and authority to decide what is best for them at this time.


#3

I think the best thing one can do is to lead by example. Actions always speak louder than words and if people seeing you setting a good example day in and day out, it can and will influence them.


#4

You will not be the only influence in your daughters lives but you should be the best influence! (based on Dr.Phils’advise)

You are right teenagers are not easy to handle;perhaps we forget what we were like at that age? I certainly tested by parents plenty of times–it is hard to put a wise head on young shoulders.I know they are only things that you know already.Do you spend a certain time with each daughter,especially things or activities that interest her.It is your love and friendship that they crave,they might say “Whatever” to your admonitions;but they do take it in.

Free will is a gift from God,hopefully they will use this gift towards God–sometimes people learn the hard way others do not.You need to be a soft place where they can come when they do fall.You do get upset and distressed when teenagers reject your advise,orders and help–it is only natural ;but on ounce of prayer ,is worth a ton of worry.You are there as a parent to bring up your children, as best that you can --not to be their friend or to bow to their every whim! :eek:

So stay firm ,they will love and respect you one day-they will realise that you chastized them for their own good.Teenagers need boundries ,otherwise they will run wild and feel that no one loves them.But hey, it is not easy-perhaps it never has been! As Our Lady said to St.Bernadette at Lourdes “I never promised you hapiness in this life,only the next”

So be of good heart,be calm and have peace of mind–Jesus loves you are cares and loves them even more than you do–so entrust them all to the Lord in prayer!


#5

I understand this all to well. I believe this is my weakness; to relinquish all control to Christ. There is always some part of me that wants to control the outcomes of my life. I feel that if I follow a strict set of commands then I expect a certain outcome ; alas it is not always the case. I have been dealt with many blows, as we all probably have, but I can’t seem to shake this feeling of control off completely. I believe I must pray and meditate more.

As for the my girls, well, I do tell them I love them often, but they get annoyed when I ask them to be more pious and obedient. My eldest is rebelling; what is worse is that my dh doesn’t always agree with me. He chooses to disagree with me in the presence of our girls. They do not respect my authority. In the end if I cannot get through to them I simply tell them, “Wait till your dad comes home.”

Thank you.


#6

[quote="Jay82, post:3, topic:191874"]
I think the best thing one can do is to lead by example. Actions always speak louder than words and if people seeing you setting a good example day in and day out, it can and will influence them.

[/quote]

Very true. However, many do not like the example I set because it requires self-sacrifice. Even I must admit at times I wish I could just do what I want. Is that being selfish? :shrug:


#7

If you need support surrendering control you might consider a 12-step program (Alanon):

Step 11 - Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out


#8

[quote="karoleck, post:4, topic:191874"]
You will not be the only influence in your daughters lives but you should be the best influence! (based on Dr.Phils'advise)

You are right teenagers are not easy to handle;perhaps we forget what we were like at that age? I certainly tested by parents plenty of times--it is hard to put a wise head on young shoulders.I know they are only things that you know already.Do you spend a certain time with each daughter,especially things or activities that interest her.It is your love and friendship that they crave,they might say "Whatever" to your admonitions;but they do take it in.

You are right. My girls are very close in age and have always wanted my undivided attention; of course this was difficult in itself. It was already suggested to me that I develope a relationshiop with each one individually. I have to work on this. It really is important.

Free will is a gift from God,hopefully they will use this gift towards God--sometimes people learn the hard way others do not.You need to be a soft place where they can come when they do fall.You do get upset and distressed when teenagers reject your advise,orders and help--it is only natural ;but on ounce of prayer ,is worth a ton of worry

.You are there as a parent to bring up your children, as best that you can --not to be their friend or to bow to their every whim! :eek:

I have already told them that I am their mother not their bestfriend. I also remind them that the Lord loves them more than I can and that He watches over them. I hope they feel always loved even when I chastise them.

So stay firm ,they will love and respect you one day

-they will realise that you chastized them for their own good.Teenagers need boundries ,otherwise they will run wild and feel that no one loves them.But hey, it is not easy-perhaps it never has been! As Our Lady said to St.Bernadette at Lourdes "I never promised you hapiness in this life,only the next"

I thought this was a cruel admission from our Mother to St. Bernadette, but now I understand that this life may not be always what we want it to be.

*So be of good heart,be calm and have peace of mind--Jesus loves *

you are cares and loves them even more than you do--so entrust them all to the Lord in prayer!

[/quote]

Thank you for reminding me again what it means to be a mother; I will take to heart your good advice and encouragement. God bless you all.:)


#9

humble maid - your obedience in Christ will reap rewards you cannot yet even begin to imagine. As far as your teens being rebellious - even God could not prevent Adam & Eve from rebelling so what earth bound parent can expect to be able to accomplish it? And that was just over a single piece of fruit...think of all the shiny candy in today's world that tempt.

Allow yourself some room for God's will. You are giving your kids good guidance and example, the benefits of this might not be seen right now, but they are still in development.
Think of St. Monica, and how rebellious St. Augustine was, living a life of sin and indulgence. Yet God converted his heart, with the prayers of Monica, and he went on to save the Church from the brink of heresy. God knows when to use His people. Your kids are going to slip on their journey, that is just a fact. Sometimes it is only after we fall away from God that we can truly understand how much He is needed by us - sometimes God strengthens us by letting us leave Him so we can realize how weak we are. God has a plan for them, God has relationship with them that is apart from you even though you are there mother. If you see them struggling now, don't think all is lost and they have turned their backs on God forever. The teen years are a hard time but you may notice that as they get older they will start falling back on their faith and depending on God without you even giving them a nudge, it will be like an instinct.

Now, if people in your family are denying you and putting you down as you say - that may be a parental authority issue that certainly needs to be nipped in the bud. Children should always speak and act respectfully to their parents, to let them do otherwise feeds into the spoiled, entitlement culture many teens are living in. There is a balance between being firm and being reasonable as a parent. If someone in your house is insulting God, you need to make it clear that blasphemy is not allowed. Discussion and questioning yes, blasphemy no.


#10

Interesting enough is that this program you have suggested is for alcoholics but with a religious therapy.

Step number 7
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.:wink:


#11

You should definitely get your husband on your side about the respect to you issue. His words will carry a great deal of weight with them, and he should be enforcing respect to you because you are his wife and the mother of his children.

I know this from experience; if my husband tells our children that they are being disrespectful to me and he won’t put up with it, they stop. And this is a very important part of raising children. Your husband has to back you up in this.

Also, if you could have conversations with him about the other stuff, so you two can be on the same page, that would also help a lot, even if you two end up going his way. But he definitely should not allow the girls to see him overriding you.

it doesn’t always work perfectly, but that would be a goal I’d try to work towards.


#12

this is the first lesson parents of teens learn: you cannot control every aspect and influence of their life. Even strict controls earlier in childhood as we mentioned control only a limited parameter. We can follow all the child rearing manuals and it is just not going to go our way. you can spend hours with clorox and lysol and get all their immunizations but you cannot protect against a flu pandemic, biological warfare, a new plague, meningitis, hepatitis or TB at their school for example. you can ban TV and the internet but those images are all around everywhere–they will see it, but in an environment where you cannot filter, discuss, answer questions and mediate the effects of what they see. You can vote for a good school board but you will not know what individual teachers present in the classroom unless–and until–you get feedback from your kids.

The values have to already be in place long before the teen years, and survey after survey shows the lived example of what parents do, even more than what they say, is still the no. 1 factor in attitudes and behaviors of teens. you are not in control, but God is. the more you are able to model submission to Christ and reliance on Divine Providence in your own life the more you children will grow up adhering to that model.

where is their father in all this? if parents don’t present a united front the battle is that much harder. I can attest from my own experience especially with boys, if the father is not practicing the faith it is almost guaranteed the boy will not be observant at the time he leaves high school. If they are preteens you have only a year or 2 at most to teach respect that should have been inbred since toddlerhood. You are still the parent. They are still the children. The battles with 12 yr olds are nothing compared to the battles with 16yr olds so duke it out now.


#13

Thank you MercyMia. This is where the ‘control’ issue falls in. I let them fall and get up on their own but there are certain traits in their character that cause me to worry. I don’t want them to make the same mistakes I did so I tend to want to control these areas or at least take hold of the direction it is going.

Both my children love God but the lax example of their father is proving to be competitive with my serious devotion to prayer and community work. Perhaps it is too much for them; in essence they are good; but I strive for better yet I fall harder than most. Each time, I learn to get up again and try harder. This is part of the battle.

As for others putting me down; I speak of extended family, some are converted to other religions, others are more concerned with worldly affairs. All I could do is be an enthusiastic example of my faith. To them I show no reticence but joy in following God.


#14

[quote="puzzleannie, post:12, topic:191874"]
The values have to already be in place long before the teen years, and survey after survey shows the lived example of what parents do, even more than what they say, is still the no. 1 factor in attitudes and behaviors of teens. you are not in control, but God is. the more you are able to model submission to Christ and reliance on Divine Providence in your own life the more you children will grow up adhering to that model.

where is their father in all this? if parents don't present a united front the battle is that much harder. I can attest from my own experience especially with boys, if the father is not practicing the faith it is almost guaranteed the boy will not be observant at the time he leaves high school. If they are preteens you have only a year or 2 at most to teach respect that should have been inbred since toddlerhood. You are still the parent. They are still the children. The battles with 12 yr olds are nothing compared to the battles with 16yr olds so duke it out now.

[/quote]

Their father is very present in their lives now, but he set the example that his authority is greater than mine. In our earlier years, he mistreated me. The girls were little and witnessed all of it. I carry a great amount of guilt for this. Most of my stress and worry lies here. All I could do is show them that we have progressed and that God's Love is the greatest of all which can heal anything. I just hope they learn to truly believe it.


#15

[quote="St_Francis, post:11, topic:191874"]
You should definitely get your husband on your side about the respect to you issue. His words will carry a great deal of weight with them, and he should be enforcing respect to you because you are his wife and the mother of his children.

I know this from experience; if my husband tells our children that they are being disrespectful to me and he won't put up with it, they stop. And this is a very important part of raising children. Your husband has to back you up in this.

Also, if you could have conversations with him about the other stuff, so you two can be on the same page, that would also help a lot, even if you two end up going his way. But he definitely should not allow the girls to see him overriding you.

it doesn't always work perfectly, but that would be a goal I'd try to work towards.

[/quote]

I am working on it. I think he thinks that I am not holding out on my end; for whatever reason he shouldn't override what I teach unless he has serious issues with it. My dh tends to be more liberal on certain issues that I am not. Sometimes he's right and sometimes I am, but only if he could admit as much. Thank you and God Bless.


#16

[quote="humble_maid, post:1, topic:191874"]
Do some of you get weary and fustrated with the world around you; even within your own home? Does this fustration hinder your quest for holiness? How do you deal with it and why?

I tell you that this has been an ongoing battle. There are few and far between that share the quest that I have; to be holy and a servant of God. It is difficult enough to have to juggle all the responsibilities of this life. It is very hard to find a balance. My main challenge is rearing my pre-teen girls in this society. It is proving to be very fustrating.

Regardless of my home life or family or job or anything else, the Holy Spirit tells me one thing over and over, "Get up, and continue walking in the path of the Lord; never look behind but always follow His light." Does this mean that I go forward even when my family is not willing to follow? How do I get them to follow other than teaching them the ways and 'trying' to be an example myself? The lure of this world is proving to be stronger at times. Must I just pray and rely on faith alone?

Is this how many true believers feel? Must we always be self-sacrificing even when those closest to you deny you and put you down? Can we truly find peace and happiness in this lifetime?

God Bless:)
MJ

[/quote]

I think some good practical advice may be found in Chapter 6 of the Didache:

Chapter 6. Against False Teachers, and Food Offered to Idols. See that no one causes you to err from this way of the Teaching, since apart from God it teaches you. For if you are able to bear the entire yoke of the Lord, you will be perfect; but if you are not able to do this, do what you are able. And concerning food, bear what you are able; but against that which is sacrificed to idols be exceedingly careful; for it is the service of dead gods.

i.e. Strive always to be perfect, but if you find perfection impossible in your current situation in life, then do the very most you can to get as close as possible.


#17

[quote="humble_maid, post:10, topic:191874"]
Interesting enough is that this program you have suggested is for alcoholics but with a religious therapy.

Step number 7
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.;)

[/quote]

Alanon is recovery for anyone that struggles with addictions or control issues. It is not only for families of Alcoholics. Alanon is true spirituality in practice and is based on the Serenity Prayer...parenthesis are my additions, always reminding me that the only thing I can change is myself!

God Grant me the Serenity
To accept the things I cannot change (in me)
Courage to change the things I can (in me)
and the Wisdom to know the difference.


#18

MJ, does your family do any faith-building programs/exercises together (besides sunday mass) ? (Whole family, where your Husband and daughters ALL participate?)


#19

You and your husband must get on the same page. Dad has more influence than we can imagine in the raising up of good holy girls.


#20

Not really. We have prayer sessions before going to bed; that is me and my girls. Sometimes we watch movies of saints and bible stories. Even this is being cut down: their father once or twice said that I expect much and since then the girls are losing interest. My little one will still listen to me but the eldest is doing what she wants. At times I force her to pray with us but then I realize it must come from her. I must emphasize that my eldest is very committed to Jesus and her faith; she is rebelling against me.

As for the church, I try to involve them little by little. There are no services for the young expect catechism. There are no services for families either. The community is new and I have spoken to the priest to get the community more involved by initiating activities.

If you have any suggestions on faith-building program/exercises please post it on this thread. Thank you and God Bless.:slight_smile:


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