I’ve had the same dream about this, since I was very very young, the result is always the same. I end up screwed.
My dream always starts off the same, its been the same since I was 6. in the dream, I’m on a hill, its sandy, it could be a desert. next to me, is who I understand to be satan, down below is a chain gang and on this chain gang are my brothers, the entity speaks to me and offers to allow me to take their place, as a kid, I do and I take there place sometimes… the dream ends with me taking there place and my siblings going free. usually it ends with me walking into the cave. nothing big… nothing horrible…
When I don’t I get to see how they suffer… often more terrifying…
Now here’s where it gets weird, I’ve gone down some very dark paths and made it out the other side, but during those times I’ve had people that have met me along the way and given me a very consistent message… the first when I was a teenager. he gave me a ride home, then talked with me and told me I was only going to be given 3 chances. what happens after this, the person has never said. but , when I went to college I met another person, he was my second chance, this was a different guy and nearly a thousand miles away.
I’ve been clean, sober and healthy for almost a decade and guess what… the lights are turning off and on by themselves, fans are turning on by themselves, tea pots are turning themselves on and off and other people are noting that its weird (trust me if it was just me, I’d be up for a declaration of crazy) yesterday a colleague looked at my screen while I worked and noted that its weird that the buttons seem to pressing themselves on the screen. honestly wtf?
When I was trying to get clean/sober, I tried faith and it failed me and this is where I heard about this catholic victim soul crap. so, I’ve done all the right things, fought the internal battles and survived circumstances that are two numerous to mention. when I go to AA meetings, I don’t have others, I’ve never heard my story told in an AA meeting and I suspect I never will, it was that bad and I made it to the other side.
It may be selfish, but if God requires suffering perhaps he should find someone who hasn’t suffered, who is willing to endure this, I’ve had enough and what he asks is too much. I fight daily to turn away from the darkness, I know I’m sentenced to hell (and I know this is my unforgivable sin) . why? because I’ve taken life. but I live in peace and have paid for my sins with the courts of man. I work daily to let others know that there is a way out of the trap of addiction, that there is a better way. I’ve done this for a long time… is this not enough? sentence me yes, but its enough already.