I dare to ask this kind of questions here because it is a religious thread since elsewhere it will cause controversy over women’s rights and freedom but hopefully here it won’t because abstinence is preached around here.
Is it unreasonable for a guy who is above thirty and still a virgin to ask that his wife be that too and more importantly how can he approaches her with the topic, at which point in their relationship, at which date and most importantly how since normally his date will be above twenty-five and someone who holds that long should have some solid Christian background.
I ask about that because a person with psychological disorders will obsess over the fact that if she didn’t have problems having premarital sex in the past she could cheat on him and that will be the end of the relationship fully knowing that a girl who remained virgin until the marriage could stray too.
I am also very interested in girls and women input here.
My advice to you is don’t give up an opportunity for relationship with a good God-fearing practicing Catholic woman who has made past mistakes, but now is living a pure and chaste life. The NOW is the important part. Is the woman living chastely now? Is she willing to remain chaste during your time of dating? These are the questions to be asking. You really might pass up a very good Catholic woman if past mistakes are “unforgiveable” to you. We all sin. How would you like a woman to turn you down because you committed past sins that are just “unforgiveable” in her eyes? Get my drift here? :o
You may have any criteria you wish for a spouse. There’s no guaranteeing you won’t hurt or offend somebody who would be very good spouse material by such a question.
Depending on age and other factors, you might consider that it is very possible a lady you would date might not be a virgin without having engaged in premarital sex at all.
Personally speaking, as a married woman (and one who was not free of sexual sin pre-marriage), I would not put virginity status as high as I would numerous other factors. I would be much more interested in commitment to chastity now.
But again, you’re free to whatever criteria you wish.
I would ask once you start talking about dating exclusively. If not being a virgin is a 100% deal breaker for you, then it’s better to let her know early than later. However, like other posters mentioned, I wouldn’t advise that you eliminate a prospective mate just because of her past mistakes. She could very well be living differently now.
Premarital sex does not always mean someone is capable of cheating.
I agree with this. It isn’t unreasonable for you to want your wife to be a virgin, but I would put a much higher focus on someone who is chaste and committed to that.
I would also add that a relationship is built on trust. A woman who is not a virgin is not necessarily less trustable than a girl who is. It would be a good idea to work on your psychological issues (or continuing to work on them if you already are) to help yourself.
Unreasonable is in the eye of the beholder. So you will have people on here tell you it is reasonable and others tell you it is not.
What should matter to YOU is what YOUR list of “must have” and “deal breakers” looks like, not what anyone else has on theirs or what they think about yours.
Will it limit your dating pool? Yes. Will it eliminate some wonderful women from your list? Yes.
So ask yourself **why **this is important to you, and if it is **so **important that you would rather not be married than marry someone who is not a virgin. And why is it “virginity” and not “chastity” that is so important to you?
There are people who have followed the Church’s teaching on marriage and chastity and yet are not virgins-- those who are widowed, those who have received a decree of nullity to name two. There are also those who made mistakes, repented, and are chaste.
If you sincerely cannot date these women or commit to them, then that is FINE. And don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. And, you need not answer “why” this is important to you here on this board, that is a rhetorical question-- it’s something you need to think about seriously and come to terms with.
There isn’t an answer for this. It will depend on the two people involved. I would suggest that when you begin to have feelings for this person, or they for you, that make you want to have a serious/steady relationship dating exclusively or when you begin sharing your thoughts and ideas on the future, such as marriage, it is time to talk about expectations and what is and is not a deal breaker for EACH of you. Do not go into a committed, marriage minded relationship without talking about expectations. But don’t expect intimate sharing when dating casually. It’s not appropriate.
I’m not sure I understand the last part of this. a person with psychological disorders probably shouldn’t be dating at all.
While having that ideal is not wrong, I wouldn’t hold it against a man. As other posters have pointed out, we all sin and make mistakes. I myself fell away from the church for several years and led a less than holy life. If I hadn’t met my husband during that time period and started dating after I returned to the Church, I would feel like trash if someone I dated dumped me because I made mistakes.
I think how she feels now is what matters. Talk about chastity for your relationship and tell her what your expectations are now, but making her feel like she isn’t worthy wouldn’t be very christian imo.
The only reason I would question her fidelity for future marriage is if she still felt that sleeping around was acceptable.
You can put whatever requirements you want on marriage. But if you’re over 30, looking for a wife and not finding one who meets your criteria, you have two choices: change your criteria or come to terms with being alone. You can set whatever bar you like, but no one is obligated to meet it and/or be interested in you.
Let’s also be honest here, after a certain age, many men are virgins due more to lack of opportunity than virtue. If you fall into that category, it will be much harder for you to attract someone who did have opportunities but chose to turn them down. I’m not passing judgement here, but it’s something for you to consider to yourself.
Here’s my opinion:
Would it be nice to marry a woman who hasn’t made those mistakes in the past? Yes.
Is it the ideal? Yes.
However, if I’m in love with a woman who has done those things in the past, but is living a pure and holy life now, I would absolutely be willing to be in a relationship with this person.
I think one has to look at the rational behind the man wanting a prospective wife be a virgin before deciding whether such reason is reasonable or not. Man is himself a virgin and doesn’t want any possibility of someone with an STD coming in to the marriage? reasonable. Man wants a “trophy” virgin… unreasonable. Man feels he “deserves” a virgin because he is chaste? Unreasonable. People are not commodities. Man wants a virgin so that they can enjoy conjugal relations together as beginners? Reasonable. Man wants a virgin because he feels entitled? Unreasonable. Man is jealous of previous serious boyfriends? Unreasonable. Man is insecure about whether his prowess will match another’s and doesn’t want a comparison by his bride?
Virginity is ideal but not required for marriage. Marriage requires that the couple practice faithful monogamy from the time of the vows forward.
A person can make up his/her own requirements in a prospective spouse, but those requirements must not be more important than the person. E.G. I can refuse to marry someone with at least a million dollars but I cannot marry someone for the sake of a million dollars.
Lol but isnt this a Catholic site? People attack virgin seekers by stating what the world is like now as if that is a good metric.
By that standard he should seek a quasi athesitc spiritual christianeque girl who likes weed and sex… oh and is prochoice and wants to put her children in boarding school if she doesnt kill them bc they might interfere with her career.
Hey if we are going with “mentality if the time” lets go all out!!!
Everyone I read so far has given really good input. For the most part, I agree with what they’ve said to you. Its solid advice… I also really love Blue Eyed Lady’s response… in her second paragraph, she makes a really great point. (Again, not saying this is you, but I think its something people just don’t think about!)
But I’m more concerned about your original post. I’m still trying to decipher what exactly you are trying to say. I also can understand your wincing to post your question/questions… (even though I’m not sure exactly what the question is) since one can get a lot of emotional responses/feedback from this sort of topic.
So having said that, I’m not being emotional here when I post this- so don’t take it as such. Just that when I read your OP it seems more as if the question is this:
How can I find out if a woman I'm dating is a virgin or not so that I do not have to waste/spend a lot of money or time on her before I find out a truth I don't want to hear?
Is that it? Did I get that right? I mean, don't get me wrong, understandably, as it is in dating in this culture the man pays for everything and does a lot of work courting a woman, but is this what it comes down to? Is this your real question?
Having asked/said that....
I don't believe its unreasonable to ask for anything... just that in reality what we want or ask for is not always what we get. That isn't to say I think people should settle- gosh, no way! (That's rude and unkind to the other person actually!) but just that I'm under the impression that love is a really mysterious thing and that GOD grants it.
Would you rather God gave you the woman that is perfectly made for you (who has a big list of disappointing faults you might not approve of) , or would you rather marry the woman that fits your criteria, your list, your wishes, yours or society’s idea?
As the victim of sexual assault as a teenager, I find some of these responses highly insulting.
OP, you are free, of course, to reject anyone for any reason. But Jesus has forgiven the repentant and it’s my opinion that holding someone’s past against them when they have repented is to put yourself above God. If He has forgiven her, why can’t you? Have you never made a mistake?
“Though your sins are like scarlet,
they shall be as white as snow;
though they are red like crimson,
they shall become like wool.”
I urge you to look for chastity over physical virginity. But if you are unable to do so for whatever reason, then I suppose the woman in question will have dodged a bullet.