I am super confused right now over my vocation. I discerned a vocation to religious life for 4 years. However, those were crazy times and it wasn’t until 2 years ago that I made a good confession and experienced Christ’s incredible mercy in the sacrament of reconciliation. After I made that confession, I began to have a growing desire to have a family of my own some day. That desire continued to grow and after I got out of an unhealthy/ unofficial relationship with a guy friend of mine, I had an intense dream of having a daughter. This dream came the very night after I was “dumped/deserted” by my friend. At the time, I thought that it was God’s way of letting me know that I have a hope and a future and it wasn’t the end of the world. Its been almost a year since that happened and I’m still recovering from the emotional wounds from it. However, I am wondering if a desire to have a family is enough to constitute it as your vocation.
Recently I have started to think that God may be trying to get me to discern religious life again. However, the thought of not having a family (Husband + Children) devastates me. Quite literally, I began to cry a few months ago when I started thinking about it. I feel like I am going crazy sometimes. Sometimes I wonder if living in sin earlier in life damaged my conscience permanently. Why is it so hard for me to figure this out? I have begun to get deeply depressed/ anxious thinking that God might not want me to get married. I even went through a phase where I was angry at God for destroying all of my relationships with guy friends of mine. Is there anything I can read/ watch that will help me? Or, any advice someone can offer?