Some time ago, I’ve posted threads on the Catholic Answers Forum on the frequency of spiritual direction, spiritual envy for saints and envy for holy and pious priests.
Finally, I met my spiritual director on Tuesday. As I have revealed to him more of my past and spiritual journey, I am even more impressed with his willingness to listen to me. Though he did not give a lot of ‘useful’ advice, his faithfulness inspired deeper awe to Priestly Vocation - this time it is not associated with any jealousy or envy, but it is more of a feeling that being a priest is such a ‘manly’ sacrifice! For mysterious reasons, there seems a unique quality in all these priests. Of course there are always bad pastors, but I do witness a resurgence of Religious Vocation - and the comeback of pious, faithful, humble, sensible priests who ASPIRE to preserve the beauty of orthodox, reverent, solemn liturgy (be it the Ordinary or Extraordinary Form Mass)! In fact it is these young priests who are more willing to put on the Roman cassock (which was also why I decided to reach out to my spiritual director instead of other priests).
I don’t know why, but there is a feeling deep within me that Priestly Vocation is so ‘manly’! So mystical is the genuine love of self-abandonment to live like Christ that, I am very moved by such heroic sacrifice, which does proffer me with encouragement and greater courage to fight against my habitual mortal sin of lacking chastity.
In the past two months, my stumbling spiritual progress in the past two months, which also has an impact on my study, reveals years of hidden problems and burdens deep within my soul in addition to the well-manifested habitual mortal sins, which were once discovered but not well-eradicated, although they might seem trivial compared to others’. It were as if a parvenu who is abound with graces, well-provided for material and social abundance, treading a well-paved path, free of any envisaged paucity, and yet isn’t satiated, nor could he make out why they have come into his hands and how he could use them. Sometimes I wonder why I am so introspective and sensitive to my own self, and why most people, teenagers included, require no frequent Confession or spiritual direction, which made me feel like an over-reacting idiot eager to afflict himself with trouble. Why is it laudable to strive for perfection - and why aren’t all aware of this ingrained desire?
My spiritual director asked if I wished to be a priest, to which I answered, ‘I am still not sure, but if God has called me I will follow, though it does mean a huge sacrifice of all my social and financial prestige as well as a highly revered career and lots of secular enjoyment.’
May you all keep me in prayer.
N.B. Should this thread be moved to ‘Spirituality’ forum?