Waiting til marriage


#1

Ok a tiny bit of background. I was talking with a guy last year and basically he didn't agree with my ideas of dating, meaning no sex before marriage and no passionate kissing until engagement. The kissing thing was really the issue and it kept coming up so in the end it didn't work because of that.

I have been reading these books on dating and I still have my same beliefs BUT after reading TOB stuff it makes me realize God's plan of sexual intimacy. I guess after reading these I feel that I would want a guy who is a virgin. I feel this way because the marital embrace is something so personal, so intimate and I feel that I would be hurt to share this with someone once I am married and to know my husband had shared this experience with x number of people. I realize finding a guy who is a virgin is extremely rare. Then I thought at least he has to maybe be reviginized, meaning he isn't a virgin but now believes in waiting until marriage.

For those who are virgins has this crossed your mind? Am making it a bigger deal than it is?

I am now talking to someone who has no problem with what I believe in dating and I know his "number" but I also know he doesn't now believe in waiting until marriage.


#2

Jackie, my prayers are with (and for) you.
In today's society, your quest may be a tough but noble one. I wish I were your daddy... I'd be so proud...

Peace of Christ be with you...


#3

You are on the right track,I would say. Sex is a big deal, and it should be left to married people.

Unfortunately you are going to have a hard time finding someone who feels the same. I can absolutely assure you of that. Even the Catholics you see in the Church pews Sunday after Sunday going up for communion are doing it. Because the issue of sex before marriage just isn't dealt with properly by Catholics, and for such a time as this when the secular world is obsessed with sex! Satan really got his way this time around :(

But you shouldn't be too obsessed with your man being a physical virgin, but a spiritual one yes. Guys and girls make mistakes. I myself have made the mistake, with one girl, and wish I could take it back. But I can't so I confessed am forgiven and now have to remain pure for my future wife! And in all ways, I don't masterbate and I avert my eyes at swimsuit magazines and even women who are dressed immodestly (that kinda thing is unattractive to me anyway). Also I personally wouldn't date someone who has had many sexual partners and then claims they have realized it is wrong. Personally, I am not good natured enough to get past it because I do believe a mistake is a mistake and made repeatedly it reveals something more (i.e. how many times can you sincerely call a mistake a mistake).

Anyway, I would say just relax. I am trying myself, too. It is hard, because it seems to me that it is impossible to find a girl with the same values as me. I mean really, I know ALL TYPES of girls and they are all sexually active. And it makes me panic at times. Because you're right, sex takes a part of your soul and gives it to another - whether you like it or not that is what happens and that is what is meant to happen! But people see nothing wrong with it now. My ex girlfriend for example, she told me she doesn't regret sex with her ex's because it was the right thing to do at the time and she will always love them in some way. Now... that kind of thing is STRAIGHT from Hollywood; forever romanticizing it all. But that kind of thing also has no place in marriage or in a relationship, because once again your soul and heart should completely belong to one person and not anybody else.

And the saddest thing is that I have conversations all the time with good girl friends of mine, and I tell them why waiting is the right thing to do and I can speak for 15 minutes and really make them smile and I can see they feel something from it - because they recognize the truth and real love. But they go away that night and still sleep with a random stranger. How can we get through to people... But I have hope. I pray, and focus on my own purity. It is so hard in this secular world. And it is almost expected of you to sleep with people. Personally I'm pretty good looking, so girls do come up to me a lot and they offer me things, some are even straight to the point and I have had a girl tell me I can take her anywhere I want and she will let me do anything to her. I am usually gobsmacked and decline politely, and I have been slapped before because they think its rude to decline being offered because hey, sex just has to be had!

Pray to God and focus on yourself and other virtues, and the right man will come!


#4

I know guys who were and guys who weren't (but they had recommitted themselves to chastity according to their state of life before marriage).

I think the key is for you to decide how important it is to you... if you find a guy who did make mistakes in his past but has recommitted himself, will you be able to move past that (even if you have to work through all those feelings of anger, betrayal, etc)?

If not, then you better just decide that having your future husband be a virgin is that important to you, and don't compromise. It's your perogative, really.

You have the full right to decide what is important for you in a future spouse. I had three non-negotionable issues: must be a serious, faithful Catholic, must be committed to chastity before and after marriage (according to our state in our lives), and must be supportive of my being a stay at home mom should we have kids, unless a dire need for me to work arises.

And yes, my husband is all those things (and many more).

Also- you will meet the right person to marry, but you need to put yourself in the right places. Make sure you are spiritually active, don't concentrate on looking for a husband or boyfriend. Just be who God wants you to be as a single woman. Involve yourselves in Catholic circles- Catholic young adult groups, truly Catholic universities (I went to one, and- even though my husband didn't attend the school- there were so many wonderful young men there who were serious and active in their faith).

Oh, and I would look right past this guy you are talking to now. There are people out there you won't have to convince to treat you right.


#5

Hi! I hope you don't mind but I am Greek Orthodox and my Church has alot of great teachings on this matter especially from our own Church Father, St.John Chrysostom. Just to let you know in simpe words, God has a plan for each and every person. That plan is yet hidden from us so as to make us go to Him for it to be realized. You will never and I mean never be disappointed. My favourite verse is this " seek the kingdom of God first His righteousness and all these other things then will be yours " which means fall in love with God first and He will lead you to that person He wills you to be with. We know from the Genesis story when God made Adam these words " it is not good for the man to be alone " and then it says " I will make a helpmate for him ". Notice the words I will make a helpmate for it implies God's work and not our own. Today we seem to be engaged in too much experiments with too many people without realizing that God has a particular person made for us. So why worry? God has already a plan for you. Why rush into reationships when He has one made for you. All you have to do is to be patient for God will either bring him to you or He will bring you to him. God will do this at the right time that He chooses. We interfere with His designs when we decide not to follow Him. Since God has a particular interest in your happiness then it follows that you will be interested hopefully in what God has for your future especially a man who also is interested in his future and what God has planned for him. It goes hand to hand. Hopefully both of you will be led by Him. The way God prepares the woman for her future husband basically is through her upbringing in her own family enviroment. This is where God is preparing you and making you to be the future helpmate of someone else He is also preparing. I will tell you a story of my grandmother which will illustrate the point I am making. My grandfather went to Montreal to visit his uncle and for some reason my grandmother was there. It did not take long for my grandfather to realize that this person in front of him may be for him. My grandmother grew up waiting for the day to meet with her future husband. I asked her once did she have any boyfriends while growing up and she said yes I had 4 . So I ask who were they. And she rseponded with a smile, my father and my 3 brothers. Growing up with this saintly woman and seeing her family I mean my Great Uncles and Aunts were a blessing for me for I receive alot of teaching from her and them that has helped me to wait as well. I too am waiting until the day God decides and like my grandmother who was married 49 years ( could have been longer but you see my grandfather was 14 years older than her ) has taught me that everything is in God's hands and if we let Him we will the happiest for it. Relationships can be good but the relationship you will have with your husband or your wife will be the most important for you. Allow yourself not to be intimidated by the world and allow the standards that God has placed and follow them. God Bless!


#6

I will keep you in my prayers. You are not making a big deal out of it at all. Both my husband and myself made the mistake of having other partners before marriage and sometimes those images, thoughts or feelings of jealousy do arise; was she better than me, better looking, more fun etc. One thing I would suggest is that you allow your future date a little wiggle room though, because we all make mistakes and maybe one that he really regrets too. I think not dating a guy because he isn't a virgin is a tough one. I think that if he recognizes his errors and wants to remain a "born again virgin" until marriage, that is what really matters. Sex and relationships are tough, its best to just keep on waiting till marriage. Good Luck, I only wish I had done the same...


#7

The idea of revirginization is a nice mental construct, but, in truth, the genie cannot be put back in the bottle.

We all start out as virgins. When that line is crossed, though, it is crossed permanently.

More importantly, we should ask ourselves what characteristics really define a suitable mate. The exclusive focus on sexual purity tends to obscure the more salient issues.

If premarital virginity was the prime determinent of successful and enduring marriages, then it would deserve careful investigation. Unfortunately, other factors intervene.

The primary dimensions of compatibility involve much broader questions, that are of greater import than premarital sexual experience.

I do not intend to denigrate others moral decisions about their own lives. Each of us must choose our own path.

I, for one, will never marry. I don’t believe in it. But sexual love is not something I wish to forgo, notwithstanding the church’s teachings.


#8

I’m not a virgin, but I do think you’re making it unnecessarily difficult for yourself to find a spouse. There are benefits to a sexually experienced man too, he’ll be better at sex. It wouldn’t be impossible for you to find a virgin, but it would be difficult. Even more difficult to find a man who’s a virgin by choice rather than because no one would have him.


#9

Um, yes, the Genie can in some sense be put back in the bottle. God forgives us all. Virginity is actually a physical construct, not purely a mental one. Physically it can be gone, as in my case, but mentally it can be regained, as in my case. Jason Evert has some good stuff on this topic.

Don't listen to the Sex and the City talk about a man being better at sex with you therfor its a benefit. No thanks. It isn't a benefit. By that reasoning it would be great to date adult film stars. No, that treats sex as purely a physical enjoyment, when its meant to be a whole lot of other things too. And anyway, the act itself isn't hard to "learn".

It is difficult, which makes it a cross to bear, and these are things we should welcome in our life as Catholics. Bear that cross! Because God has a plan in store for you, and you will find the perfect man (if it is in his will, and that man may or may not be a virgin remember that too).

If a man is a virgin because no one would have him, so what. And if its by choice, so what too. I would think the former only affects secular people anyway. Good Catholic men don't sit and worry about not being able to 'get laid'.


#10

This is the 21st century, dude, the age of the contraceptive pill, antibiotics, high speed internet, and the sexually liberated woman. Any man that is a virgin today is a virgin by choice. Even if you’re too ugly or socially awkward to go out and date all you need is a credit card, no shame, and access to the internet, and you can have a custom ordered woman sent to your doorstep. I hate how it is assumed that any man who is a virgin has it forced upon him because of his own awkwardness.

It is true that you will not have as many men to choose from, but you will have a better chance of having a successful marriage if you limit your dating to men who follow the Church’s teaching on chastity. And personally, waiting until marriage isn’t nearly as easy as it looks. I found it was always easier to relate to someone who has shared in the struggle rather than somebody who has simply been swimming with the tide.


#11

I am a virgin and I feel the same way you do. I do feel like I would be settling for less especially right now in life to go for a non-virgin. Unless you have no choice, I would continue the search. I am not the only one out there.

The problem I frequently see is that many non-virgin girls I meet play the victim with their sexual past. I have yet to meet a single non-virgin girl that hasnt blamed their man for their sexual past. Part of re-virginization must be the realization that you werent a mere victim and that you were responsible for your own actions. When it happens one time, I might be inclined to believe it but usually it happens more than once and with a number of different men.


#12

It’s not hard to learn if the guy is willing to learn and is adventurous. And it is a benefit to be with a man who is good at sex. It would make you want to have sex with him, and benefit the relationship. A guy who is done in a few minutes and then rolls over and falls asleep would be a chore and unenjoyable. For me that kind of thing would be a deal breaker in a relationship.


#13

I agree. Hence I say what I said about the whole thing… I just wouldn’t get past it if she had multiple partners, because that is more than a mistake. Know what I mean? I am willing to take responsibility for what I did and say I wasn’t a victim, I chose what I did and I had my reasons at the time but in retrospect they were absolutely childish and silly reasons (and what else can you expect). Now, I have learnt.

I also wouldn’t fall for the victim thing, though it may sound harsh. But I also don’t fall for the whole “in the moment it was right we were in love” trash that my ex spewed. It drives me nuts thinking that some man is gonna get that same argument and I will be one of those whom she was speaking about. It’s never right until you are in a sacremental marriage - end of story. Realise that and realise it with good theology and psychology and not only will you regret (…despise…) every sexual sin of the past, but you will WANT to stay pure.


#14

Thanks for the responses. It is good to know that this thought has crossed others minds. As I get older, turning 25 this year I guess it becomes more of an issue. Right now I just want to grow in holiness and if the right guy comes around than he does. In the end it would be nice for the guy to be a virgin but I do understand that people make mistakes and would hope that at least he believes in waiting until marriage from this point on.


#15

There may not be many male virgins, but don't forget, you only need one.


#16

Good for you for waiting! I myself am waiting too :)
I suggest reading Pure Womanhood by Crystalina Evert and Arms of Love by Carmen Marcoux. Both address issues where one person in a relationship waited till marriage for sex and the other didn't.


#17

You don’t believe in the sacrament of marriage???:confused::confused::confused:


#18

There are no benefits to sin…
“For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of life is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord” Romans 6:23


#19

"You don't believe in the sacrament of marriage???:confused"

Best for me to clarify my views.

I think it is fine for other people to get married, if that is what they want.

I do not believe in marriage for myself, though. It is something I have wanted to avoid, since my childhood.


#20

Waiting for marriage rocks. However, if a woman didn't wait till marriage, I wouldn't let her go by me if she was all I was looking for.

Not telling you how to live your life, but just because someone made a mistake, don't put on blinders and act morally superior to them (No, I'm not claiming you will, just adding a warning)


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