Waiting to propose: from a MAN's perspective


#21

A value is what you will give your time and money to.
What do you truly value?
What are your core values?
Do you truly value Jesus and his message?
What values will you give up for something else? For example, If you value family and you say, "I will stop having children to have more money.", do you value family.

Does your girlfriend have these same core values?


#22

I don't know how to do the quote thingy but I think that "former Catholics" advice is invaluable!

Best of luck with what you choose to do!

God Bless


#23

[quote="Serap, post:17, topic:197807"]
I am a woman. I felt like my now husband was taking forever to propose and I did end up giving him a ultimatum, but I was almost 33 years old and if he didn't want to marry me and have children, then I needed to move on. We had been dating for 2.5 years at that point.

It wasn't that I was trying to trap him , etc, but my clock was ticking and I had to know what his true intentions were. If I had not done that, it would have taken him forever to propose to me. That's just the way he is :)

So not all women just want to "trap" the guy before he finds someone else...she just wants to make sure that she isn't wasting her time and that the relationship is actually going somewhere.

That being said, a man should never jump into marriage with a woman b/c he feels pressured. A man should be sure that he's ready to make that big step and that he's with the right person for him.

[/quote]

Hey Serap,

Several good points here.

I'll add this in from the more traditional/conservative male perspective. A lot of us men want to make sure we (both male and female) have all their ducks in a row before we get married and start a family. Things such as getting into a career, minimizing debt, discernment, etc. Some of this seems like feet dragging to certain females.


#24

[quote="ComputerGeek25, post:23, topic:197807"]
Hey Serap,

Several good points here.

I'll add this in from the more traditional/conservative male perspective. A lot of us men want to make sure we (both male and female) have all their ducks in a row before we get married and start a family. Things such as getting into a career, minimizing debt, discernment, etc. Some of this seems like feet dragging to certain females.

[/quote]

hey buddie!!!
Yes, you're right; women see it as feet dragging. Comminication is KEY. My now husband, told me when I gave the ultimatim :o that he wanted to marry me in the future. He just wanted to finish his school (master's degree) first. Then I told him that if that was the issue, why not get engaged and set the wedding date after he finished school. He was ok with that and we got engaged 3 months later. Our engagement lasted for 2 years.

We just needed to communicate our concerns to eachother.


#25

[quote="Serap, post:24, topic:197807"]
hey buddie!!!
Yes, you're right; women see it as feet dragging. Comminication is KEY. My now husband, told me when I gave the ultimatim :o that he wanted to marry me in the future. He just wanted to finish his school (master's degree) first. Then I told him that if that was the issue, why not get engaged and set the wedding date after he finished school. He was ok with that and we got engaged 3 months later. Our engagement lasted for 2 years.

We just needed to communicate our concerns to eachother.

[/quote]

:thumbsup:

There ya go.

There are valid reasons for so-called feet dragging ;)


#26

It took me several years to propose to my wife. Here’s why.

(1) I grew up never much thinking of getting married.

(2) I was already dating her on a steady, exclusive basis. . . why marry? I like my privacy and independence.

(3) After we’d been together a couple of years, my finances became bad due to downsizing and unemployment.

(4) I think our society okays these informal dating arrangements/living together, etc. If there was more social disapproval (and familial disapproval), I probably would have felt the situation called for a decision. Since there wasn’t this shared social notion of how long dating relationships last, I had zero external pressure.

(5) The girl loved me and didn’t want to look elsewhere. I suppose most women stick it out with a non-marrying man in such a situation. Some occasional pressure, but really not much from this source.

Some general comments:

(1) Men don’t reflect on their emotions very much, so they find themselves, as I did, not really understanding the situation. They can just plug along unconcernedly. . . even though it can affect men in a negative way by depriving them of a chance to mature.

(2) Because of this emotional minimalism, men feel less pressure to marry, while women apparently feel more pressure. Women can obsess about emotions; men just go on.

(3) No one articulates very well the positive good things about marriage (and about children). No one really, in our society, seems to teach that marriage and family are good things. Instead, we’re trained to be good individualists. So we end up being spoiled and selfish.


#27

[quote="Captain_America, post:26, topic:197807"]
It took me several years to propose to my wife. Here's why.

(1) I grew up never much thinking of getting married.

(2) I was already dating her on a steady, exclusive basis. . . why marry? I like my privacy and independence.

(3) After we'd been together a couple of years, my finances became bad due to downsizing and unemployment.

(4) I think our society okays these informal dating arrangements/living together, etc. If there was more social disapproval (and familial disapproval), I probably would have felt the situation called for a decision. Since there wasn't this shared social notion of how long dating relationships last, I had zero external pressure.

(5) The girl loved me and didn't want to look elsewhere. I suppose most women stick it out with a non-marrying man in such a situation. Some occasional pressure, but really not much from this source.

Some general comments:

(1) Men don't reflect on their emotions very much, so they find themselves, as I did, not really understanding the situation. They can just plug along unconcernedly. . . even though it can affect men in a negative way by depriving them of a chance to mature.

(2) Because of this emotional minimalism, men feel less pressure to marry, while women apparently feel more pressure. Women can obsess about emotions; men just go on.

(3) No one articulates very well the positive good things about marriage (and about children). No one really, in our society, seems to teach that marriage and family are good things. Instead, we're trained to be good individualists. So we end up being spoiled and selfish.

[/quote]

This is so so true!!!! I hate to say this, but this is why women, who have a man who seems to be "dragging his heels", have to take charge and say, "No marriage, no relationship!"

Unfortunately, this is just the way it is and I wish it were different too.


#28

[quote="Serap, post:27, topic:197807"]
This is so so true!!!! I hate to say this, but this is why women, who have a man who seems to be "dragging his heels", have to take charge and say, "No marriage, no relationship!"

Unfortunately, this is just the way it is and I wish it were different too.

[/quote]

Not only would I agree with a lot of this, but even for men who are very purposeful in discerning, "the world" can get in the way of being decisive. Thankfully, if you are Catholic (or Christian of any kind) one thing that should help things along is not living together or being sexually involved. That keeps you from getting "settled into" a pseudo-marriage. It was very frustrating to have two lives for over two years (separate homes, separate beds, etc), but it gave us that more motivation to resolve the marriage question.


#29

nonsense. maybe some men don’t think about things very much, some do. I’m a guy who sometimes obsesses about stuff a lot.


#30

[quote="phil8888, post:29, topic:197807"]
nonsense. maybe some men don't think about things very much, some do. I'm a guy who sometimes obsesses about stuff a lot.

[/quote]

I definitely agree that men are different and some can struggle with the opposite end of things. The part I do think is true is that our culture confuses the issue for many "types" of people. My bf was not careless or thoughtless in discerning... very thoughtful... to the point where we both over-thought everything. And thanks to the surrounding culture "encouraging" you not to commit, it was easy to think up a million a reasons to be scared of commitment.


#31

this is exactly my point and my husband was in this “circle” of thought. That’s why I had to press the issue to make him realize the importance of having me in his life without all the interruptions from outside and his introspective deep thinking which can make him go in circles in his mind.


#32

I don't know about all this.

My DH is one of those painfully slow decision makers, and had those looooong term relationships before he met me. About year later, we were married. We both knew it was right, and it was. :shrug:


#33

Can any guy please give his perspective on proposing? Did you take a while to do it? Did you have any fears? How did they make you feel? Etc. Anything you can add.

I dated my wife for 8 1/2 years before proposing. I have always felt good about it too. In general I was very open with her about things with her and she was pretty understanding about how important a decision I felt it was. It can be scary, just pray all the time. Keeping God in control means you can't go wrong. Easier said than done but still true.

First of all we started dating in high school and I felt too young to make large decisions.

Secondly my wife at that time had no concept of religion at all really. It was something that I needed to know where she stood on before I could take that step. Thanks to a talented and intelligent young priest named Father Cyza, most of her questions were answered and she is now Catholic:thumbsup:
Thirdly I wanted to finish my college education first. That was just a personal decision on my part.
Lastly I thought that God was calling me to it at that time and I prayed A LOT! I am usually pretty unsure what God is calling me to do but I certainly felt at that time I was understanding. This, obviously, is the most important reason to move forward.

Hope it helps
JJ


#34

[quote="phil8888, post:1, topic:197807"]
Hi, I'm a guy. I am thinking of proposing to my gf who I've been with for several years now. But whenever I look up information about proposing, specifically on taking too long to propose, it's ALWAYS in the woman's perspective. "Why is he taking so long?" "How to get your guy to propose", etc. but I want to see if from guy's perspective.

I have my own reasons for hesitating, but I want to see those addressed. Always on these websites and stuff, it comes from the angle of the poor innocent girl wanting for this "lazy" guy to commit, and he's "stringing her along" and doing all this other bad stuff. Never do they even consider that he may be experiencing emotional issues as well. It always just sounds like a guy taking advantage of a girl or not showing any concern.

But I'm a guy and I definitely show concern. I love my gf, and we get along really well.

Can any guy please give his perspective on proposing? Did you take a while to do it? Did you have any fears? How did they make you feel? Etc. Anything you can add.

Thanks.

[/quote]

The married folks I know who get along really well had short courtships and short engagements.

I'd suggest you approach marriage more like a woman does. Either she'll do or she won't.


#35

"I hate to say this, but this is why women, who have a man who seems to be “dragging his heels”, have to take charge and say, “No marriage, no relationship!” "

Women have done that to me, and each time we split up shortly thereafter.


#36

But you’ve also said previously on this forum that you don’t want to marry. Is that a result of these women breaking up with you? Or…?


#37

What’s this about?


#38

I am curious how many chastely living (and consistently chaste) couples date for anything more than a few years before engagement. It seems that if the two have a natural desire for each other, they would want to be together sooner rather than later; but perhaps I underestimate the self-control and priorities of many couples.


#39

[quote="zaramarie81, post:15, topic:197807"]
I have a couple thoughts here the issues and hesitations need to be dealt with and worked on in a purposeful manner, so that things are moving forward. One of the best things my fiance did for me was allow me to date for awhile when he was still pondering. He didn't keep me to himself. I did date some good Catholic men, and honestly I almost ended up with one of them instead of my fiance. But ultimately, after spiritual direction from a good priest, my fiance became convicted that he wanted to marry me and wooed me back to him.

It was one of the most mature things a man has ever done for me. His honesty and sacrificial love - allowing me to live my life and not just proposing out of pressure - demonstrated real character to me. Ultimately it made it easier for me to feel through-the-roof excited when he did propose!

[/quote]

Zara, you have offered a real life story that presents a dignified solution for the problems that arise when one person (or maybe in some cases both people) are not sure about making the commitment to marry after a reasonable period of dating. The person who is ready to marry, has to accept that the bf or gf is not and that exclusive dating is no longer a wise choice What your bf did is exactly what a smart, noble, unselfish person should do in this situation.
You are a wise lady. God bless you both in your future nuptials.


#40

This is probably of no help to anyone. I hesitated to post it for that reason, but here goes.

It's hard for me to picture having a lot of difficulty with this. I dated a lot of women and it wasn't hard to know I didn't want to marry any of them; all but one.

We didn't have any money. But we both wanted to be married people, and we both knew that. When we started dating, it wasn't "exclusive", but it got that way fairly quickly. After a time, and not all that long a time, we started talking about "when some people get married", then "if we were to marry", then "when we marry", and it was pretty much a given very early on; maybe in two months; perhaps three. It was just obvious.

But i didn't formally "propose" until after we had already done a number of things in preparation for marriage. I couldn't afford a ring, for one thing. Astonishingly, though, I got the jeweler to sell it to me on time even though I lived in another town and had no credit at all. She helped me pick it out. She's kind of particular about such things, and I was glad to have her help. I didn't want to formally propose until I had formally asked her father for his permission. I told her that. (He knew anyway, but they, and I are sort of traditional people) So I did, then, with the ring, I formally proposed. I even got down on one knee. She knew it was coming, of course, and when. Not too hard to figure that out.

My wife was amused by all that ritual, but there was nothing tense or uncertain about any of it. I think she actually appreciated it. I know her father did. He told her so, and she told me.

Maybe I was just lucky, but I think if a person is the right person, both people know it fairly soon. If you do, the rest is easy.


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