I do not know where to begin. I suppose I will tell you my problem.
I am a very loyal 17 year old Roman Catholic boy. I am dedicated to my religion and follow all the commandments and teachings of God to the best of my ability and go to church every week. I am very devoted to practicing my religion, but not to the extreme :D. I do not swear, seldom lie, and respect all people. Many of my friends believe I am the most respectful and kind person they know and I am not bragging; I am just trying to establish my personality. Everything is in order, except on issue which is damaging my mind.
I like a girl, and no this is not the stereotypical teenage boy question. I decided years ago when puberty started what adultery was and decided that I would wait until marriage. My thirteen-year-old self did not know the true magnitude of what my still growing hormones could unleash. Puberty started a few months after I entered high school and it seemed like nothing special. I felt the same and sex was not at all appealing to me. I was not repulsed; I was just like “okay, its a thing”. As the years passed, however, the influence of my hormones increased and now I have an extreme desire to do it. I tried to lock it away deep in my mind, but like a pressure cooker, my desires began to seep in an attempt to root in other areas of my mind. I have never looked at pornography, masturbated, or had sex; I do nothing sexual other than get the unavoidable pleasure from my nocturnal emissions that happen 1-2 times a week. I now let my sexual influence fly free in my mind, and apparently that is much better for it. It does not cause me to think dirty of anything; it just sort of influences my perception. I know when it appears and what it does, but it is in check in its own way. I have respect for my body and the gift of fertility God has given me, and I have not intent on abusing it for pleasure. There is one issue which cannot be resolved, however, no matter what I try.
I have liked this girl for approximately 26 months, starting in November of sophomore year. I have always remained faithful to only her. I have liked no others during my entire time at high school. She seemed great. She is kind, caring, and delightful. She is very attractive and wears no makeup, earrings, jewelry, or nail polish and I especially like this about her. Our relationship has been close, but far because she is relatively shy and I am relatively shy so we have maintained a bit of suspicion towards one another. To afraid to show each other that we actually liked each other, we would simply act as friends and drop one another the occasional hint. It was not enough to convince one that the other like her/him, but enough to keep each other going. I tried three times to come out and get closer to her, but all three failed. The first time I think I surprised her by nervously asking for her email close to the end of school. The second I tried to outright straighten our relationship and just learn what she thinks of me, but I kind of coward away and swirved my question to “Do you like me?”. She answerred “Uh… yeah”. “You mean like a friend right?”. I of course resigned and quietly said yes. Then we both stared at one another for like twenty seconds before I dismissed myself. She seemed happy that I seemed to anxiously want to talk with her, but I think she got really nervous. I asked her at the end of last year if she wanted to talk over the summer. She said she was busy via and email, but said she would talk over email. Things quickly degraded however and she said she could no longer email me. Now things are going much better and I am almost certain she likes me. I am ready to be brave and just ask her if she romantically likes me so we can solidify things before we hopefully date, but there is one issue.
I found out what she thinks of sex and marriage last year during a grade 11 school retreat (Catholic School) during a “step over the line if…” activity. One of the questions was “… if you think sex is only okay if you are married.”. Only about five people stepped over the line including myself and she was not one of them. That ratio seemed really messed up and I thought I just heard the question really wrong as I often do with my language issues. That was not the case however. Another question was “…if you think sex is okay if you love each other”. This time, everyone stepped over the line except myself and another boy (thank goodness I had some support or that would has been terrible for). She stepped over the line and my devotion was shattered. Regardless of how doomed my generation is if only 2/30 students at a CATHOLIC High School actually want to wait until marriage, that is there lives. I do, however care for the girl I like. I swept that aside until I returned home and came down in deep sorrow and confusion. I did not show anything, but I was in deep thought all Saturday about how to proceed. I knew that the only thing God would want is for me to cut off my advances with her. With his sometimes harsh attitude, he would have probably wanted me to immediately end it. I did not, however. Unsure of what to do, I continued to like her inside as I slowly put out my blaze. Every time I would see her, I would immediately perk back up and show her my affection again; I am too attached to let her go. With my hormones in full swing, lust has entered and cemented me to her in my weakness.