Waiting until marriage delimma unresolvable alone, help seriously needed?

I do not know where to begin. I suppose I will tell you my problem.

I am a very loyal 17 year old Roman Catholic boy. I am dedicated to my religion and follow all the commandments and teachings of God to the best of my ability and go to church every week. I am very devoted to practicing my religion, but not to the extreme :D. I do not swear, seldom lie, and respect all people. Many of my friends believe I am the most respectful and kind person they know and I am not bragging; I am just trying to establish my personality. Everything is in order, except on issue which is damaging my mind.

I like a girl, and no this is not the stereotypical teenage boy question. I decided years ago when puberty started what adultery was and decided that I would wait until marriage. My thirteen-year-old self did not know the true magnitude of what my still growing hormones could unleash. Puberty started a few months after I entered high school and it seemed like nothing special. I felt the same and sex was not at all appealing to me. I was not repulsed; I was just like “okay, its a thing”. As the years passed, however, the influence of my hormones increased and now I have an extreme desire to do it. I tried to lock it away deep in my mind, but like a pressure cooker, my desires began to seep in an attempt to root in other areas of my mind. I have never looked at pornography, masturbated, or had sex; I do nothing sexual other than get the unavoidable pleasure from my nocturnal emissions that happen 1-2 times a week. I now let my sexual influence fly free in my mind, and apparently that is much better for it. It does not cause me to think dirty of anything; it just sort of influences my perception. I know when it appears and what it does, but it is in check in its own way. I have respect for my body and the gift of fertility God has given me, and I have not intent on abusing it for pleasure. There is one issue which cannot be resolved, however, no matter what I try.

I have liked this girl for approximately 26 months, starting in November of sophomore year. I have always remained faithful to only her. I have liked no others during my entire time at high school. She seemed great. She is kind, caring, and delightful. She is very attractive and wears no makeup, earrings, jewelry, or nail polish and I especially like this about her. Our relationship has been close, but far because she is relatively shy and I am relatively shy so we have maintained a bit of suspicion towards one another. To afraid to show each other that we actually liked each other, we would simply act as friends and drop one another the occasional hint. It was not enough to convince one that the other like her/him, but enough to keep each other going. I tried three times to come out and get closer to her, but all three failed. The first time I think I surprised her by nervously asking for her email close to the end of school. The second I tried to outright straighten our relationship and just learn what she thinks of me, but I kind of coward away and swirved my question to “Do you like me?”. She answerred “Uh… yeah”. “You mean like a friend right?”. I of course resigned and quietly said yes. Then we both stared at one another for like twenty seconds before I dismissed myself. She seemed happy that I seemed to anxiously want to talk with her, but I think she got really nervous. I asked her at the end of last year if she wanted to talk over the summer. She said she was busy via and email, but said she would talk over email. Things quickly degraded however and she said she could no longer email me. Now things are going much better and I am almost certain she likes me. I am ready to be brave and just ask her if she romantically likes me so we can solidify things before we hopefully date, but there is one issue.

I found out what she thinks of sex and marriage last year during a grade 11 school retreat (Catholic School) during a “step over the line if…” activity. One of the questions was “… if you think sex is only okay if you are married.”. Only about five people stepped over the line including myself and she was not one of them. That ratio seemed really messed up and I thought I just heard the question really wrong as I often do with my language issues. That was not the case however. Another question was “…if you think sex is okay if you love each other”. This time, everyone stepped over the line except myself and another boy (thank goodness I had some support or that would has been terrible for). She stepped over the line and my devotion was shattered. Regardless of how doomed my generation is if only 2/30 students at a CATHOLIC High School actually want to wait until marriage, that is there lives. I do, however care for the girl I like. I swept that aside until I returned home and came down in deep sorrow and confusion. I did not show anything, but I was in deep thought all Saturday about how to proceed. I knew that the only thing God would want is for me to cut off my advances with her. With his sometimes harsh attitude, he would have probably wanted me to immediately end it. I did not, however. Unsure of what to do, I continued to like her inside as I slowly put out my blaze. Every time I would see her, I would immediately perk back up and show her my affection again; I am too attached to let her go. With my hormones in full swing, lust has entered and cemented me to her in my weakness.

t took nine months, but my fire has been reasonably quenched the point where I can control my actions, still not around her, but I no longer dream of dating her. I am still locked onto her however, unable to proceed and unable to back up. With my old passion dying “weedy desire” has entered my mind in the form of other girls at my school. None compare to her in the least and I know that my mind is trying to expel her in a last resort pattern, but I always feel attraction towards two girls more than any other. I do not like them but I am interested in them. I should not even have interest in them and of course I show them nothing, but it appears I am broken in my paradox. So this would be lust and greed.

Another thing which keeps me attached to her. One of my guy friends who I hang out with likes her a lot as well, but I think she is way too good for him. She shows no interest in him and tries to look neutral when they are talking around me. They could probably date, but I do not want her too. I would desire my crush to date whomever she chooses freely. I do not like “claims” or all that; it is up to both parties to decide. I would not restrict her if she freely liked him; in fact, it would be great to be free of her. This will only happen, however, if I drive her away with a lack of interest, but they are close friends; I realize that one of the reasons I still like her if because I am jealous of another guy liking her. Envy is now seeded deep within my mind and is one of the most powerful of my seven mortal sins. The most dangerous also lurks in the future.

My guy friend has the standard sexual expression of my other guy friends. He does look at porn and make dirty remarks. I have heard my guy friends talk about the girls they “bang”. If they were to date and her were to talk about how he had sex with my crush’s beautifully immacualte and dare I say physically attractive body, wrath would surely enter my mind and burn strong for days on end. It would be the most catastrophic of my mortal sins because I seldom get angry, and when it does it consumes me the one to two times a year I truly do become annoyed. Combined with my care for her wellbeing, my desires to be the only one to have sex with her, and my jealously, my wrath would burn white-hot. I would do nothing, but it would seriously mess me up for at least a few days before retreating among its compatriotes. Wrath haunts me for the will may become.

I am locked into her with no means of escape on my own. I may not be doing anything, but I consider such things grave sins. I can quash any venial sins, but these mortal sins will remain until I end it. My plan is to simply remain at my current level and move neither back nor forward until we graduate in June. Then I will be “forced” to cut it off and I will be free. I know her well enough to know she WILL NEVER make an advance unless she seriously steps up her courage, so my plan has a 99% chance of success. This is not what God wants, however. He wants me to storm the fortress and end it, not starve it out and scavenge the castle. I need to end this, but I do not know what I should do.

I care for her as with all my friend, so I do not want to hurt her; this means I cannot back away. I love God more than anyone, however, so I shall not advance. Also, one of my girl friends likes me and has been trying to hint to me for a long while. Today she tried to go out to lunch with me and OF COURSRE my crush see’s us. I was with my usual guy friends, but I was talking to her and we a bit behind. Never have I felt worse, but showed my greatest affection in my hello to her. After lunch, however, she seemed less open to me. I saw as we were walking to our class, and said hello and smiled. She responded back and resumed course. I asked her how she was and responded, but did not ask me and I took that as an end to the conversation. I even looked at her for a few seconds for anything, but there was nothing on her face, but what I believe was deeply hidden sorrow. I DO NOT like my girl friend, nor will I ever, but I feel so bad now (why did my girl who is a friend try to follow me and my friends to lunch!!!). I want to give he some encouragement that she means nothing to me, but why would I. I have no intention of ever going out with her. I am torn more than ever today. I am lost.

If I ever freely had sex with her outside of marriage, and intended to do it over and over, I would denounce my faith in shame for willingly disobeying what he VERY clearly stated was correct and incorrect behavior. If I only want my own pleasure with some girl, if I am that impatient where we have to use birth control and abortions to alleviate the “side effects” of sex, I have no reason to go to heaven. I will never do this however, ever. I will only have sex with one person, my wife. And if she dies I will never remarry. I will never divorce with her and she would never divorce with me because we would need to know one another VERY well me to marry her. I will only devote myself to one woman.

How do I return our relationship to a friend-level one where I do not like her and she is fine with it. I do not want to hurt anyone and simply destroying it all is too much. I know that she is just another crush and college will offer far more suitable girls, but it is just like I do not want to break it. She likes even with my language disorders and I do not want to throw that out the window. How do I back away where I am fine with the outcome?

I am a very damaging spot with lust, greed, envy, and wrath rooted in this. Also she can be a bit lazy, so sloth is in there as well to some degree. I want to just clever this diseased flower of my stem, but I cannot. I have rooted to deeply to turn away it appears and I need a way in which I can back away without inciting envy, sorrow, and confusion into her. I want to show her that I simply do not like her and that I like no one else? How do I proceed for the rest of the year; this is not worth sinning over but for whatever reason I cannot come to my senses. Someone please help me.

I doubt anyone will answer because it is so long; I doubt anyone is reading this hoplessness. Confirm in your answer whether you read the whole post. I pray for answers.

just focus on something else. its awesome that you are committed to staying chaste,but writing a novel about a girl you know is no way to get over her. in fact, it’s a bit creepy. i dont see why you think that not dong anything about your relationship is a bad idea, its possible that she just sees you as a friend.

I read your entire post.

tl;dr: just breathe this is not a big a deal as you think. it is all hormones.

your school must have a chaplain, have you tried talking to him? he probably has great advice.

It is actually not that creepy that this is long. I am always very detailed oriented and this is not odd for me. I could fill an encyclopedia with information about all my other friends some of whom would have entries longer than this.

I just wanted to give all possible relevant information on the topic to seek out the most helpful answers.

First of all, there’s too much self-pity on here with this semi-unrequited love story and “I don’t think anyone will answer”.

I need to clear the air here and say you’re going to have a tough time landing any girl for a date if you get into this self-pity routine.

Any time I see a guy writing a long essay about a girl, eh, it’s not a great sign either.

For one thing, regarding the girl you are talking about, I think you’re splitting hairs with some of the interaction (following you to lunch) and blowing it out of proportion.

I, personally, like the plan of waiting for better girls in college, because your not that far from having more and probably better options that won’t confuse you so much.

As far as these deadly and mortal sins are concerned, I would strongly suggest talking to a priest about those being mortal for your situation, namely age. It’s good you recognize their seriousness, but to say on here that a 17 year old kid is in mortal sin over lust/wrath because of hormones and romance, that sounds a little harsh.

I guess I will just let it die and feel nothing. I am just hesitant because I am pretty bad socially and ruin things accidentally all the time. I do not want to do the same on purpose especially when she is so accepting of my language issues. THAT is the delimma here.

This was a bad idea, do not respond. I am not self-loathing. I just want help with a serious problem I have, but I added too much detail and it seems whiny. This is why I stay away from typing thing; there is always some issue with my communication >:(. If I talk to people, it would go even worse, and not like writing turns out any better, so I will just deal with it myself. Waiting it out seems like the most viable solution. I prefer to deal with my own problems anyways as I always have done; I can compensate for my own internal issues, but I just wanted opinions. No more though, seriously; doing this was a mistake. I added too much detail and the entire mood of this post is tainted. Let it die or tell me how to kill it.


You can PM the moderator for this thread and ask for it to be deleted. You can’t delete your account.

The very best advice you have been given is this:

From your subsequent comments, I would suggest that you should be in regular contact with either your school chaplain or some other Catholic counsellor to provide spiritual and life direction.

Sorry I did not read all of your four initial posts - not just yours, I seldom read any exceptionally long posts. Lengthy posts on the internet are seldom a good idea.

First off, I am not hear to judge, condemn, or voice any negative opinions at all. I am quite sorry for the replies of other people.

You sound like a serious kid, and you sound like you need some serious help. I get what the other folks are saying about self-pity, but I feel like a lot of that might be because you’re 17 years old and seem to be taking things far more seriously that most people your age. Hormones do a lot more to your head than lustful thoughts; they alter the brain chemicals, and make everything seem so darn real, so darn crazy, so…important, impending…everything. I’m a teenager. I know how it feels.

Sorry for breaking your no-reply rule, but maybe we can talk teenager to teenager.

I know what it’s like to feel extremely passionate towards somebody who is not Catholic. I’ve been there. For a time, I told myself the same thing: I cANNOT LiKe hIM OR DEATH. Didn’t happen. As far as I can tell, love is something that is literally uncontrollable, and I think that may be why you’re writing so much: because you’re trying to stifle this huge thing is your mind and it ain’t working.

Most importantly, I think you’re writing so much because you feel so terribly guilty of yourself, that you feel like others will find you guilty too, and you want to make sure they understand you completely and don’t point that shame. Then, of course, they did point shame simply for that reason. And that’s hard.

So, chill out. Don’t act on anything. But don’t intentionally supress the flame. If you seek to extinguishe your love, it will get stronger. I know this too. The more I tried to stop loving him, the more fiercly I did so. It’s not really a voluntary reaction. Sooner or later, you’ll likely forget completely naturally, and then you can chillax. Keep being friends. Let yourself like her romantically, but, you know, don’t go farther if it makes you this uncomfortable. You’re right, of course; the purpose of dating is to marry, and it’s a bad idea to go down that path with a non-Catholic. Sigh. But romantic inclinations are not at all your fault, especially without any thought of advancement.

Finally, you need to talk to a priest. Really badly. Maybe print this thread out and take it with you. He can help explain to you exactly why the situation isn’t so bad. You seem to be taking a lot of theology very literally and very seriously. I know you pride yourself on being devout, but I of all people can tell you: Taking it too seriously is a very very bad idea. if you mental health is damaged, your spiritual health is damaged, and that isn’t what you want, yeah? I’ve suffered from similar problems as you, and I can relate entirely. I’m no theologist, and I can’t give you all the answers, but I can give you one: Seek a priests help I will not judge you. I will not condomn you. I don’t think you are doing anything wrong, except misleading yourself into a dark spot. When I realized I was taking things too literally and took steps to change it, the world opened up like a bright yellow flower. It will for you too, I am sure of it. Please, seak the help of somebody who can explain to you the truth, and help relieve the massive burden you are piling onto your shoulders.

I do not need to see a priest; seriously DO NOT listen to this thing. It is just that I strive to improve myself, and I want to find ways to remove any of the mortal sins no matter how trivial (which these are). It is not an unhealthy level of anything; these are TECHNICALLY mortal sins and I am like “let’s see if I can get these removed”.

I am perfectly content with starving it away, but I was wondering is there was a BETTER way that I am not thinking of.

Seriously, I made this post way to serious. I am bad with words and I messed this up. I do not need to see any religious figures about this. This is like 1 drop in a lake; it is not THAT serious.

This was a mistake though; I always mess these things up. I do not know what is up with me (aw… like that. I know precisely what I had to go to the resource room for and get speech therapy for. Do not take that literally.). I am done her, this is not that serious.

When I gave a little information on some general forum I occasionally use, all I got was a bunch of idiots yelling at me for “missing a chance with her” so I tried to go to somewhere where I was sure to get some good answers, but I made this thing way to serious.



This one time, when I was talking to some friends I felt all the answers were really weird and thought I was just way off with my thinking. Like four hours later, however “the cookies finally finished baking” and I realized that I described what I was trying to describe wrong. Language is so complicated.

This was my mistake everyone, sorry.

“Burn it! Burn it! Burn it with fire! Flee everyone, flee!” :smiley:

Seriously my fault, I should know by know what I am and am not capable of doing. I did not hurt to try again, however. I am sure I improved a least a little typing this. Bye.

I am so embarressed because now I seem crazy. sweat This is why I never talk about my feeling to people I actually know. They always come out so messed up that I have not even made my main point

“And that kids is why it sometimes better to NOT try :D”

(Do I seem bipolar now because I am so happy in contrast to this post; I am not. Sheesh; and people wonder why I am so self conscious. I look like I am crazy because I did not pay enough attention to what I wanted to convey.)

Do not try to suggest any help for me; I have dealt with my own mental inadequacies since grade 5, so I am serious when I say I am fine. I can generally get my point across, but for a number of reasons, this has not been my best day socially. Another day will come tomorrow and I know it will be better.

Don’t be embarrassed. Just take a step back for a moment and look at the situation.

First off: This is an anonymous forum and no one knows who you really are. So there’s no need to worry about discussing your feelings.

Second: You don’t seem crazy. You seem like a teenager with a crush. We’ve all been there and it hurts like hell. But you are going to get over it eventually. It just takes time. I know it seems like some people can be harsh on here. But I really think most of them are just trying to help. I know it doesn’t seem like it now but you’re going to be fine.

And P.S. I know you said you have language problems, but you’re writing seems pretty understandable to me. Good luck to you.

I think you are being a little too hard on yourself. We all had these feelings, we all had to deal with them. So far, I think you have done quite well. You are still saving yourself, that is something to be proud of. If I were your Dad, I would be proud of you for showing such restraint when all those around you are in mortal sin.

Perhaps, you can lead by example here. You can downshift to friend mode, and then show her that she [and you] are worth waiting for, and YOU are worth waiting for right? Despite the 2 out of 30 ratio you are in that 2, and you both attend Catholic school, so there should not have to be much explaining.

GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK! Keep up the good work. You know there might be another calling waiting in the wings for you… 2 out of 30 remember?

In any case, that is my suggestion. About the length of your post, I think you were using this thread partially as a sounding board for yourself. Nothing wrong with that, at least not for you, not right now. God has always been your inspiration. Focus some more on that and turn the burner down to low for a while on this relationship. I think right now based on everything I read, you need to give yourself a mental break ok?

No one on here thinks you are crazy, and newsflash: you’re not the only on here who has a disability. :slight_smile:

When I talk about seeing a priest, I mean asking him “Gee, Father, when and IF is lust, greed or wrath a mortal sin for me”.

This is a Catholic site and spiritual direction and referrals are here to help!

Listen, you can’t just latch onto someone because they “understand” your disability. I have a disability, and I just didn’t go out with someone just because they understood. That’s how you can end up with the wrong person.

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